Bo Knows There’s A Season Happening

Bo Bichette (2-for-5, 1 RBI) was activated from the IL. He only missed two and a half months with a calf strain. His season-long numbers are four homers and five steals, while hitting .220. Bo knows garbage. Bo knows how to be the biggest bust in history. Bo knows stats that most players put up in two weeks that he put up over the course of a full season. Bo knows how to convince a team to trade him while also making himself unattractive to every other team. Bo knows how to turn one of his biggest fans into his biggest hater. Only thing Boba Chette about Bo Bichette is when a boba gets stuck in your throat. I hate him so much. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Davis Schneider – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. There is no hitter hotter. No hitter hotter? Who am I, Grey Seuss?

Chris Bassitt – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.16, and six unearned runs. Holy ticker shock! Nearly gave me a heart attack. Phew, luckily I started Eovaldi too. Wait, what? Nathan Eovaldi went 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.96, and three new ulcers? Oh God! WHY?!?!

Leody Taveras – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (11) and legs (20), hitting .229, 2nd homer in three games. Leody may not just be a name of a person in the Heaven’s Gate Cult, but may be a hot schmotato.

Wyatt Langford – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .254. Sure, but he had a historic Spring Training!

Albert Suarez – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.60. I’m sorry for the time I went up to the balcony of a movie, made barfing sounds and chucked mushroom soup onto the people below. Is that what this is about? Why else am I being punished? I will amend for whatever the reason is. Just tell me what to say sorry for!

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.31. Who’s better, 2nd half Blake Snell or Walter “Big Train” Johnson? By the way, Walter Johnson’s nickname was from a sex tape. Choo-choo, ladies! That’s what he said. Not me. I’ve never said that.

Hunter Greene – Threw three simulated innings. No one wants to hear about simulated baseball! We want to hear about fantasy baseball.

Brandon Williamson – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.77. In fairness to my Suarez stream, this was my other one I was choosing from. Welp, back to the Streamonator.

Spencer Steer – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Will be going over all the positions at the end of the year, and Steer is easily in the top 20 for three positions. ACKSUALLY, top ten for two.

Jorge Soler – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 19th homer. JRod has been stinky, but he at least steals. That Soler not even has 20 homers might be the biggest power bust, since power is the only reason to roster him.

Matt Olson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. Speaking of power busts! Soler was what, a 35-homer guy? Olson is what, a 40 homer guy? Soler’s still a bigger bust with those agreed on projections, but barely.

Michael Harris II – 2-for-6 and his 12th homer. Okay, every Braves’ hitter is a bust, except Ozuna, who also disappeared about a month ago.

Shane Baz – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.21. Stretched out nicely for the playoffs! The H2H playoffs, obviously.

Jose Siri – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer. Also, in this game, Brandon Lowe (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) hit his 19th; Josh Lowe (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 10th and Junior Caminero (2-for-4) hit his 4th. Member that old commercial “Thank you, Easter Bunny?” Okay, say, “Thank you, Nick Pivetta,” sing-songy like that.

Triston Casas – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. I don’t know PT. I am not a physical therapist. But all I want to hear is Casas is resting all winter.

Steven Kwan – Placed on the IL with body fatigue. Fatigue is pronounced fay-tee-gay. It’s Italian.

Gavin Williams – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.12. Yesterday was a tough day to stream, but Gavin Williams was the little guy in the canoe flapping away in the stream. [intern whispers in ear] What’s that? No, that doesn’t mean that! Gross! What, are you a sex ed teacher now?

Lane Thomas – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. Lane either steals bases or hit homers, and never shall the twLane meet.

Willi Castro – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (14), hitting .250. You ever have a guy on your team so long and forget why you have him? That’s been me with Castro. Seeing his stats now, and I’m very confused why I’ve held him for months.

Cole Sands – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.82, and his 9th win yesterday in relief. Only one win behind Paul Skenes. Now excuse me while I commit hari-kari.

James McArthur – Hit the IL with an elbow sprain. Not sure if McArthur is the guy you want to go to war with. It’s true, man. It’s also Hoover, FDR and Woodrow Wilson.

Cole Ragans – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.24, for the no decision. Only has two more wins than Cole Sands. Can one commit hari-kari twice? I’ll have to rewatch Shogun.

Tylor Megill – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.08. Started Megill in my RCL, and are you rooting for me to beat Son or what? Trounce? Is that what you said? Yeah! Streamonator is a little iffier on his next, but I could see it.

Pete Alonso – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Albombso!

Luisangel Acuña – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Just showing Acuña in the box score to the Comatose Braves Fan is mean. Stop it.

Jordan Wicks – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.48. There were so many torpedoes shooting down streamers yesterday, if you escaped unscathed, you used your good karma for that? Didn’t you have a lottery you could’ve played?

Ian Happ – 3-for-5 and his 24th and 25th homer, hitting .249. It’s my Ian Happening and it’s freaking me out!

Shea Langeliers – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 27th and 28th homer. By the way, no relation to Sia Chandeliers.

Lawrence Butler – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer. He’s been cold in September–SIKE! Is it psyche or sike? I never know. Anyway! Butler is hitting over-.350 in September.

Bryan Woo – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 2.85. More like Bryan Boo.

Jorge Polanco – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer, hitting .203. He hits home runs and nothing else. Which is basically half their lineup. Luke Raley hit his 21st in this game. He has 51 RBIs. It’s game 150.

Juan Soto – 2-for-2, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 40th homer, hitting .287. Sexy Dr. Pepper is gonna become a billionaire this offseason (if he marries Selena Gomez).

Jasson Dominguez – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. I’d prefer he hit none so he doesn’t push his price up for next year.

Victor Robles – Left the game in the 1st inning after being caught trying to steal home. Wait, there’s more! There was two outs. Wait, there’s more! The bases were loaded and the batter was in a 3-0 count and Luis Gil had no idea where any pitches were going. Can only guess Robles left the game because he had no ass after the manager chewed it out.

Eric Wagaman – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Fun fact! Wagaman’s is one of the best late-night spots to grab snacks.

Griffin Canning – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.16. You know in Back to the Future when Marvin Berry holds the phone for Chuck? That should be Griffin holding the phone for Reid Detmers.

Ezequiel Tovar – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer. Been a bit Ez-nyquil this year to roster, but getting hot at the right time will excite my nethers.

Hunter Goodman – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in two games, four homers in four games. One of the hottest schmotatoes, and has catcher eligibility. Also, I saw in the Rockies’ box score Nolan Jones went hitless in the 8-hole, as he hits .208 and I sighed for five minutes straight.

Jordan Walker – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, and subbed out later in the game, because Oli Marmol wants to ruin Walker’s career. “Hey, you did good hitting homer, now hit the pine, because we don’t trust you!” I hate this.

Hunter Brown – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.57 vs. Michael King – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.04. One top 20 starter vs. one top 40 starter and two starters who you could’ve drafted everywhere, and will be able to again next year.

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-3 and his 21st homer. The Greek God of Hard Contact has two more homers than Soler. And Castellanos hasn’t been good himself! That’s crazy.

Bryce Harper – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .289. I like Harper a lot. He’s also the most boring player you can find for a top 25 overall player on the Player Rater. Might be because the 2nd half has been less stellar than first.

Frankie Montas – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.50. In April, “I’m drafting three aces for my H2H playoffs. Feet don’t fail me now!” In September, “You’re my only hope, Montas. It’s you and the shirt on my back.”

Miguel Rojas – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Was working on the Buy column for Patreons, that’ll be out later today for them, and noticed how hot Rojas has been recently. Giddy up, schmotato-heads!

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 48th homer. Not sure there’s ever been a player more “I want to hit homers, so I will” since Bonds. I’m remembering Judge, too.

Bobby Miller – 2 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 8.52. This start was vs. the Marlins, which is to say, Booby Miller should be in the minors. Or having an operation on his arm. Or coaching Little League.

Jake Burger – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 26th homer. Burger went ice cold in September (zero homers previously, hitting .217) — a Septumbler? — but hit 10 homers in August, so I pardon you, Burger.

Jesus Sanchez – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .252. Elias Sports Bureau said, “Jesus was the first player to go 5-for-5 after dying for your sins.”

Otto Lopez – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. I have Lopez in one league because he was a hot schmotato last week, and I didn’t see anyone better to replace him with this past weekend. [NBC logo flies out] The more you know…

Sandy Alcantara – Hopes to get on the mound once before the season ends, and I hope Shark Tank lets me on their show with my idea for a pen that forces doctors to write legible, but here we are.