Keidreg Madduxtero

Started Keider Montero because of the Streamonator and I felt dirty, but call me a dirty, dirty boy because I am rolling in the filth! I am howling in the pigsty of life, baby! I am eating where I crap! I am saying no to bacon because it is literally me. I am not a cannibal! No, siree, Bob! Keider Montero threw a complete game shutout — 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.88, as he only needed 96 pitches making this a Maddux (a complete game in under 100 pitches). Though, as I’ve stated before, the only pitchers going the distance are doing in under 100 pitches, so naturally if he went the distance it was a Maddux. Ergo, henceforth, yadda. Whatever the case, this does not make him a great pitcher. He might not even be good, but I’m begging you in these final weeks to throw out what you think of as good pitchers and go for good matchups. Be a piggy! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Parker Meadows – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in five games. Maybe a little schmotato, but also I hate that Tigers’ lineup. I’ve even started moving on from Riley Greene (where possible, not everywhere, and he had a nice night last night, so I’m dumb).

Thomas Saggese – 0-for-4 as he was called up. Went back and searched old posts on Razzball for Saggese, as I do for all players. I don’t search “Saggese” for everyone. I searched “Saggese for–Ya know what? You understand. My last mention of him was when it looked like he might break camp with the Cards, and I was telling people the first week to “buy” him. By the by, my 1st week Buy lede was for Jackson Merrill. So, what did I say about Saggese? Did I say he sounds like a town on eastern Long Island? No, but that sounds like something I’d say. I was at this lovely AirBnb in Saggese and I saw The Barefoot Contessa from my window. That was how our love affair started. So, about Saggese, I said, “He’s Bryan De La Cruz at 2nd base if he gets at-bats. The problem is the Cards don’t have a lot of room. They need one injury, but that’s a solid NL-Only stash.” And that’s me quoting me! I stand by that assessment still. He went 20/9/.253 in Triple-A all year at 22.

Rhett Lowder – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.59. Daddy is intrigued like a monkey watching Chimp Crazy, especially with his command in the minors.

Osvaldo Bido – Hit the IL with some BS after goosing up my expectations about a start vs. the Shite Sux. Not cool, Bido.

Spencer Arrighetti – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.72. Goodbye Zoodles, welcome back, SP-Arrighetti.

Ben Lively – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.01, and left after taking a come backer to his thigh and costing me a freakin’ easy win vs. the Shite Sux. He went down hard after being hit, so I don’t want to make light of this, but that hurt me worse than him.

Lane Thomas – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in four games, and now he’s a home run hitter after being a base stealer in the 1st half of the year. Lane Thomas: I’ll be whatever you want me to be.

Zack Gelof – 2-for-5 and a slam (17) and legs (23). Showing last year wasn’t a fluke and Gelof can be a perennial “Oh God that is an ugly 20/20 season” every year.

Trea Turner – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer. Treat Urner got that dog in him.

Kyle Schwarber – Hit his 35th homer, then left after banging his elbow. Didn’t look bad, but I also cut onions without crying, so ya know, real man here.

Bryce Harper – 4-for-5, and had a home run robbed by a leaning-over-the-fence fan. “Hey, I’m Undecided in Pennsylvania and I want to know what they’re going to do about Bryce Harper not having a home run in over a month and can we send that fan to Gitmo?”

Ranger Suarez – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 14 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Ouch, no one asked if I gave permission to be tied to the WHIPping post. Ranger looks nothing like the hemoglobin that was filling my lungs with oxygen earlier in the year.

Taj Bradley – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Speaking of not looking as good as earlier in the year. Taj Ma-ace? More like Taj-my-ass. Now, now, settle down, Vitriol Grey, Taj had a decent enough start.

Reynaldo Lopez – Left the game with shoulder soreness after having his velocity down in the 1st inning. He couldn’t have thrown on Sunday and known this? Ya know, before I locked my weekly lineups? Why is God working against me?

Michael Harris II – 3-for-6 and hit his 10th and 11th homer. Also, in this game, Orlando Arcia (1-for-5) hit his 16th homer. I mention them together because A) They’re on the same team. B) I wanted to drive home the point that Arcia has five more homers than Harris. C) There’s no C.

Sean Murphy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, as Travis d’Arnaud is away on paternity leave. If Travis loses the starting job while away, maybe his wife won’t be so quick to put on Limp Biscuit’s Nookie while making come-hitter eyes.

MacKenzie Gore – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.34, and 5 more unearned runs. Holy ticker shock!

David Peterson – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.98. Mentioned this the other day about Severino and Quintana, but the Mets’ starters seem to be largely valuable, but only in the right matchups. Not just start-everywhere guys.

Chris Bassitt – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.20. McGriff the Crime Dog gonna be investigating why Bassitt’s ERA is 4.20. By the by, streamed Bassitt yesterday and you know what? I’m a dirty, dirty boy! I told you!

Albert Suarez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.39. All I can do is laugh. He couldn’t have done this last week vs. the Shite Sux, right? That would’ve been too easy? An incredible schmohawk move.

Cedric Mullins – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a double slam (16, 17) and legs (27). Mullins is on an insane heater in September (4 HRs, 2 SBs, hitting over-.400) in 30 ABs.

Kutter Crawford – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.09. You can hate on Kutter all you want, but, if we’re being rational, there was nothing wrong with that start. “Rational?” [cackles for 45 minutes straight]

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.88 as he was activated. My over/under was 3 IP, so victory? Emoji wearing a beret saying comme ci, comme ça.

Tommy Edman – 2-for-4 and his 1st and 2nd homer, as he hits cleanup. Dave Roberts should not be able to get away with this! You can’t hit one of the weakest noodles in baseball cleanup and get that! It’s not fair!

Max Muncy – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. Max is the Munciest. And Max was nearly even more Muncy — Muncier? — but Crow-Armstrong was more like Crowhop-Catchstrong and robbed him of a homer.

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-4 and his 30th homer. That 3 in the 30 is his giant butt.

Luke Raley – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer, 2nd homer in six games. Luke, I am your father. RIP.

Luis Castillo – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Never happened with turkeystrings. Cust kayin’.

George Kirby – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.77. I am begging Kirby, don’t throw everything for a strike. Please.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .276. That was his 1st home run since June 20th. If you want to text that to the person in your league who has him–Though, better not. You don’t want him to take him off their IL.

Yu Darvish – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.52. This start was in 63 pitches. I don’t know about you, but, uh, Yu still ain’t 100%.

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer, 3rd in the last week. Good for him, I didn’t think he had a season this good in him. The painting of his knee in his attic must look awful.

Christian Walker – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 24th and 25th homer. Onward Christian Walker!

Zac Gallen – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.55. No one throws more than 5 IP anymore. I can only imagine what it looks like in 10 years if this trend doesn’t stop. Starters are gonna be three and done’rs.

Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer, and has done nothing in roughly a week after being a hot schmotato almost exactly a week ago. Carl’s Jr. Jr. leaving people hungry again in 30 minutes.

Seth Lugo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.94. Lugo is such a Wacha.

Tommy Pham – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer. No one hits better in their first two weeks on a team than Pham.

Kyle Farmer – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Kyle Farmer of schmotatoes.

Pablo Lopez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.88. Post on your fantasy football messageboard that the last place team’s making a move with this 2nd half resurgence from Pab-Lo.

Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Oh man, you know what kind of season this is leading to? People next March making silly comps like, “You go ahead and draft your Christian Walker’s in the 5th round. I will take Carlos Santana in round 23.”

Matt Wallner – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. His exit velocity is boku. He hits everything hard, and gonna hit the Twins’ Bermuda Triangle of 16 homers hard right before season’s end.

Ben Joyce – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. Turns out his shoulder is not the Autobahn. Bullpen chart has JKJ’s updated thoughts on the pen, as always. My thoughts are I wouldn’t touch any of his replacements. I’d guess the fill-in is Hunter Strickland.

Anthony Rendon – Hit the IL. Rendon said of chances he could return to the player he once was, “I’m not getting any younger, but I’m going to continue to fight my ass off till I’m done.” Think there’s a good chance he keeps his ass on.