Rocker Texas Ranger

Slider just goes bye-bye. Breaking balls just going oofie-doofie. Fastballs sitting 97 on the paint. Comes back with the slider. Then the oofie-doofie then the bye-bye paint. I think the Mets might regret not waiting on Kumar Rocker (4 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks). The mechanics are a little histrionic, so I don’t know how long he can stay healthy. As I was saying on this week’s podcast, he might be a Mason Miller-type — great, nasty, always injured, then made a reliever and what a relief for his arm. We’ll see, and it’s way too early to give that future to Rocker, but the results yesterday were especially promising for a rookie debut, as he made major league hitters sitting on the dock of bay watching fastballs and breaking balls go away. His 17 swing-and-misses were the most by a Rangers’ pitcher making his debut ever (only tracked since 2009). Not to be a stick in the mud, he is a rookie, so I’d treat him like every other streamer. I was impressed and am already salivating for next year. I love oofie-doofies and bye-bye paint. People know this about me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Corey Seager – Will have season-ending surgery on his hernia. Oh nuts!

Josh Jung – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. A’la the Village People, Josh Jung! No need to be rude! I said John Jung! What, it’s catchy.

Nathaniel Lowe – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, which matches his letter count in his name. One more and he can keep Nathaniel!

Marcus Semien – 2-for-4 and his 21st homer. Waiting until I give up on him to get going? Semien’s such a sour spurt!

Bryce Miller – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.12. [whispers] Kumar looked better than Miller when they were both in the game.

Justin Turner – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Really lengthening the Mariners’ lineup. Oh wait, that was supposed to be Randy Arozarena. Well, at least they got Robles. Not sarcasm. He’s been really good! Two more steals last night, batting .300.

Byron Buxton – Activated from the IL. He said, “Did everyone see Bermudez? I found him in the Bermuda Triangle. Cool, right?”

Derek Bender – Twins’ minor league catcher, who was their 6th round pick this year, was caught tipping his opponents the pitches so he could go home.

“Here comes the Bender”
“The curve?”
“No, the guy who tells me the pitch.”

Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.50. Much like Joe Exotic, the Tigers’ pen cost Skubal big-time. Was a long shot, but yesterday’s pen incompetence likely cost him a chance to get his 20th win.

Jordan Beck – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Bud Black pinch-hit for Beck with Jake Cave. Oh, wow, that eye roll allowed me to see the bottom of my brain! Very cool!

Darren McCaughan – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 7.06. Darren McCaughan sounds like a Lilith Fair artist. Where have all the cowboys gone? I don’t know, Darren McCaughan, you tell me.

Jesus Tinoco – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.15, and his 1st save. Marlins have so many great relievers and no actual starters–Light bulb!–What if they just use all relievers? From the 1st inning on? Am I — How do they say it? — Brilliant? Tinoco could be the Marlins’ closer, or one of half dozen guys.

Mitchell Parker – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.24. Did you have the pants nuggs to start him? I know I didn’t, but I wish I did. Bad nuggs!

Danny Jansen – 1-for-2 and his 9th homer. Yankees fans saw this DJ go deep and started having flashbacks, screaming, “LeMahNOOOOOOO!”

Cooper Criswell – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.98. Somehow he made Yankee Stadium look big with deep fly ball outs to all parts of the park.

Nestor Cortes – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.90. Watched a lot of this game — on mute, because Smoltz is like a perfectly awful mix of Charlie Brown’s teacher and nails on a chalkboard — and Nestor looked as good as Devers looked bad. Nestor didn’t have his best command, but was baffling the Yanks. Devers? He needs to be shut down. He’s 10-seconds late on every swing and grimacing. My favorite was Smoltz being like, “Devers is not complaining, just up there gutting it out,” and then you see Devers grimace, like that’s not a complaint.

Gleyber Torres – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 13th homer. There’s gonna be people next year who say things like, “Once Gleyber was moved to the leadoff spot, he was great! Give me all the shares,” and they are either gaslighting or pretending to forget how awful he was for almost five months.

Ryan Pepiot – 2 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.76. Uh, what’s that? A short start or a long open?

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-5 and his 18th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but has been hitting for power for an Urban Dictionary minute.

Gavin Williams – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.23. Feels like one of those guys who can have a solid 2025, and we can just go ahead and ignore everything he did this year. Baby Gavin, Baby Gavin’s bathwater, all goodbye.

Alex Cobb – Hit the IL with a blister. [shudders] A Cobb blister is the worst.

Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.49. Everyone jokes about how the Rays make pitchers better. Do people joke about the Brewers? Because they have a lab over there churning out great pitchers.

Jackson Chourio – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Everyone’s like, “Ooh, Skenes gonna get that NL ROY,” and he might, but, damn, Chourio is gonna be robbed. Chourio should get MVP votes too!

Hayden Birdsong – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.74. Stop chirping Hayden! We get it!

Tyler Fitzgerald – Left the game with lower back tightness. That actually reminds me, he hasn’t hit a homer in almost a month.

Jose Altuve – Out with an oblique injury the team doesn’t think is serious. So, will only linger until the 2nd round of the playoffs. Gotcha.

Framber Valdez – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.91. ‘Member when Dusty Baker said Framber was the Predator because he regrew elbow tendons? We laughed. Chortled, even! Tell that to the guy who is on pace for 175+ IP in the regular season.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Meh, who cares, what I would like to say quickly while on the Astros: Kyle Tucker (2-for-4, 1 run) hit a double, and it was the first game back where he seemed a little better. Still, if a guy is having shin pain, can he drive the ball as well? I don’t know, I’m merely asking questions.

Brent Rooker – 1-for-4 and a slam (36) and legs (9). Not bad for a guy who has roughly two bad months and four great ones. If Rooker has an April next year like this year, do you have the patience to hold him? I know what I think and it rhymes with know whey. I have too much experience to think people are going to draft Rooker next year and not be moaning they want to drop him by the third week of the season, if he starts next year like this.

Mitch Spence – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.33. He gets the Cubs next, which is technically a safer start, but the Streamonator doesn’t like it, and I tend to agree.

Jakob Junis – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.73. Ya know what’s funny (not funny), if Junis was pitching this well in April, he’d be having articles written about him. I might’ve even put him in the lede. Junis Priest, This Guy Is Good! Instead, it’s September and it’s all about matchups. His incredibly solid command does pique my interest beyond the next few weeks, but he is mostly a long reliever.

Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.75. As soon as games no longer matter, Gray does well. [thinking to myself] Hey!

Masyn Winn – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 13th homer. He’s gonna be shortlisted for a sleeper post for next year, because he has 30+ steal speed and can hit 15+ HRs with great contact. Oh God, I just thought of my Sal Frelick sleeper. Forget it.

Brendan Donovan – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .272. Don’t usually mention pinch-hit homers, unless I can make a broader point. Here I’d like to say he pinch-hit for Jordan Walker. It worked out fine, but the previous game, Walker had the fastest swing of any player (81.3 MPH), fastest throw (84.3) and fastest sprint speed (30 ft/sec). At what point do they let Walker sink or swim? You can’t instill confidence in a guy if you’re just pinch-hitting for him in every tight spot. Listen, I know Walker has sucked, but you’re losing the war to win a battle. Cards are not playing for anything; they absolutely can let Walker face every pitcher. They are so badly Mr. Bungling Walker; it’s making me sick. I am nauseous at the vomitorium.