I have to keep this short, because after the jump is going to be the longest post you’ve ever seen in your life.  How do I know all the posts you’ve seen to compare this one to?  Because I’m sitting behind you.  *waves*  Hey!  Also, the top 20 1st basemen for 2019 fantasy baseball are the saddest crop of 60-something 1st basemen I’ve ever seen.  I’m shook, Baby Boo!  So, I’ve given you the top 10 for 2019 fantasy baseballtop 20 for 2019 fantasy baseball and top 20 catchers for 2019 fantasy baseball.  Here’s Steamer’s 2019 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Hitters and 2019 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Pitchers.  All projections included here are mine, and where I see tiers starting and stopping are included.  Let’s do this!  Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2019 fantasy baseball:

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Hello, darkness, my old friend.  But replace ‘darkness’ with ‘catchers’ and ‘my old friend’ with ‘we have to get through this to get further into our 2019 fantasy baseball rankings.’  Hmm…Then replace ‘our 2019 fantasy baseball rankings’ with ‘my 2019 fantasy baseball rankings,’ then replace ‘with’ with ‘wit’ to millennialify it, then replace every third ‘replace’ with ‘in place of’ to diversify word choice because my 3rd grade teacher, Ms. Pinatauro, said we shouldn’t repeat words–Actually, she can eat it!  After going over the top 10 for 2019 fantasy baseball and the top 20 for 2019 fantasy baseball (clickbait!), we are now in the positional rankings, and all 2019 fantasy baseball rankings can be found there.  Here’s Steamer’s 2019 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Hitters and 2019 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Pitchers.  The projections noted in the post are my own, and I mention where tiers start and stop.  I also mention a bunch of hullabaloo, so let’s get to it.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 catchers for 2019 fantasy baseball:

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Yesterday, I went over the top 10 for 2019 fantasy baseball.  Was surprised by the questioning of Acuña’s ranking.  Let me say this, if you were not on board with Acuña, you’re going to get thrown from the train on the top 20.  Today, I throw out preconceived notions, drink some potions and lather up my body with lotions, as I sloppily slip and slide my way through a very precarious top 20 for 2019 fantasy baseball.  This top twenty is a blind man playing Twister.  Half the time, I’m grabbing for things not knowing if they’re there or not.  I legit think this top 20 could go countless other ways.  Is countless a widowed Countess?  No, it’s not, it’s a confusing AF top 20 for fantasy baseball.  All the positional rankings will live under the 2019 fantasy baseball rankings. Here’s Steamer’s 2019 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Hitters and 2019 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Pitchers.  The projections in this post are, as always, mine.  (But if you click on a player’s name, you see Steamer’s projections for that specific player.  It’s magic!)  Anyway, here’s the top 20 for 2019 fantasy baseball:

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I sure wish Grey would do his 2019 fantasy baseball rankings.  Wait, I am Grey and this is the rankings!  AHHHHH!!!  I need to sit down.  Wait, I am sitting!!!  I can’t handle all of this!!!  I’m going to put on a pair of pants and go dance in the street.  Meh, let’s be honest, pants are a chore.  So, this is the greatest day ever!  Now, only 400,000 words more until I finish my top 500 and I’ll be done.  Worst day ever!  Damn, that excitement was fleeting.  Well, not for you because you don’t have to write all the rankings.  You lucky son of a gun!  I wish I were you… *wavy lines*  Hey, why am I balding and have lost all definition in my buttocks?  *wavy lines*  Hmm, I’m gonna stay me.  Now before we get into the top 10 for 2019 fantasy baseball (though I imagine every single one of you has skipped this intro paragraph), I’m gonna lay down some exposition.  Here’s where you follow us on Twitter.  Here’s where you follow us on Facebook.  Here’s our fantasy baseball player rater.  Here’s our fantasy baseball team name generator.  Here is all of our 2019 fantasy baseball rankings.  Here’s the position eligibility chart for 2019 fantasy baseball.  And here is a picture of my son.  What a punim!  You may not get all of those links in such a handy, easy-to-use format ever again this year, so make proper note.  (Unless you just go to the top menu on this page that says “Rankings” and click it, but semantics, my over-the-internet friend, semantics.)  Also, something we never had before as I dropped my top 10, here’s Steamer’s 2019 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Hitters and 2019 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Pitchers.  Rudy’s on top of it this year!

Now my expositional half insists I breakdown some generalizations about these 2019 fantasy baseball rankings.  The 2019 fantasy baseball rankings will be an ever-evolving mass like the blob.  This fantasy baseball top 10 for 2019 list is as of right now and could potentially change with a big injury or Mike Trout quitting baseball because he’s bored with being the best and wants to play competitive Mahjong.  (I’m not sure yet where Trout would rank in my Mahjong Top 10.)  So while it is the 2019 fantasy baseball gospel, take it with a tablet of salt.  Tomorrow we will cover the rest of the top twenty for 2019 fantasy baseball, then we will go around the horn with a top 20 (more like 60) list for every position.  Then for pitchers and outfielders, I’ll turn the dial to 100 (more like 140).  Listed with each player are my 2019 projections.  Did I consult with anyone else who does projections?  It would be ignorant not to, but, in the end, these are my projections.  Players need 5 games started at a position to get included in the positional rankings.  If I put someone in a position, that is why.  Well, that is why-ahoo, actually.  Finally, as with each list in the 2019 fantasy baseball rankings, I will be mentioning where I see tiers start and stop.  I look at tiers like this, if Mookie Betts and Francisco Lindor are in the same tier, it doesn’t matter if one guy is ranked 2nd and one guy is ranked 3rd, they’re both very close.  It comes down to personal preference.  I would prefer the guy at number two over the guy at three, but you do you, I’ll do me and let’s hope we don’t go blind.  Anyway, here’s the top 10 for 2019 fantasy baseball:

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“Saving the best sleeper for last,” Grey said while forlornly looking out a window to see falling snow.  It was the first snow he had seen in some time, so he went outside to play in it.  When he reached his lawn, he realized it wasn’t snow.  It was floating soot from the BBQ place they opened down the block.  The liquid smoke smell hung in the air.  This was the America he knew.  Grey grabbed some fallen BBQ ash from the lawn, formed a snowball that reeked of ribs and joined in the horseplay with a few of the neighbors’ kids.  “Hey, Eddie, here’s bacon remnants in your eye!” Grey yelled as he threw the BBQ ball at Eddie, but the soot-ash ball disintegrated as soon as it left his hand.   In the pieces of shattered BBQ ash-soot ball, Grey saw all his fantasy baseball rankings that will start Monday– Suddenly, an alarm clock buzzed.  Damn, I fell asleep watching a Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives marathon while John Cougar Mellencamp was playing on the radio, and must’ve wrote the preceding while conked out.   Taking these sleepers too literal.  Anyway, what can we expect from Shane Bieber for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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I was waiting for Manny Machado or Bryce Harper to sign before dropping the last bit of offseason signings before the rankings that start on Monday, but apparently the Phillies only have $300 million for each, and they want $325-plus respectively, so we need to go forward with the news without Machado and Bryce.  The last bit of big news was Yusei Kikuchi signing with the Mariners.  He reminds me of every other Japanese pitcher, but not in a raycess way.  He reminds me of Miles Mikolas too, who was only Asian after being reborn.  It’s something about Asian pitchers, and non-Asian pitchers who go to Asia and return; they exercise some serious control.  Maybe it’s the culture.  I had a robot watch Gung Ho 15,000 times to tell me what it thinks and now the robot is speaking super-racist.  Yo, robot, why are you so culturally inappropriate?  “I have no culture of my own, so I adopt yours.  And I kill puppies.”  AHHH!!!  ROBOT MURDERER!!!  RUN!!!  Or roll your swivel chair towards a door if running is too much for you.  Kikuchi, which is going to be fun for me to say this year, comes with a lot less fanfare than Ohtani, but I do think he can be better than him, pitching-wise, in his first full season.  Ohtani is a unicorn in Babe Ruth’s body, we all know this.  Kikuchi reminds me of Mikolas and Ryu and others in that mold.  He’s a decent strikeout guy, but won’t blow people away, while also having impeccable command.  I’m definitely looking to draft him this year, then passing him up every other year when he fails to throw 130 IP in consecutive seasons because the Japanese also completely overwork their starters.  In fact (Grey’s got more!), the Mariners have already said Kikuchi will only throw an inning or so every fifth or sixth start to try to preemptively avoid the inevitable arm injury that befalls every Japanese starter.  For 2019, I’ll give Kikuchi projections of 9-7/3.67/1.18/136 in 151 IP.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2019 fantasy baseball:

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You know what makes me upright?  Ew, gross!  I’m talking about sitting up in my chair and taking notice!  Anyway, I get upright, when a guy ups his K/9 and lowers his walk rate.  To make me even more erect — Again, in my seat!  Geez. — a guy who had an already elite K-rate and wasn’t that miserable with his command.  Eduardo Rodriguez had a 9.8 K/9 and 3.3 in 2017, and bested both numbers last year with a 10.1 K/9 and 3.1 BB/9.  That makes me pitch a tent!  A tent in my backyard that I’ve labeled “Pitchers I like.”  C’mon, you perv!  Eduardo Rodriguez had the 20th best K/9 last year.  Wow, I am so horny!  Horny as in bullish on Eduardo Rodriguez!  What is wrong with you?  Anyway, what can we expect from Eduardo Rodriguez for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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While casually scrolling through pitchers from last year who should be better this year, I saw Andrew Heaney.  My first thought was, “RIP Bobby ‘The Brain’ Heenan.”  Then, I Googled “professional wrestlers who have prematurely died,” and, five weeks later, when I was done reading the results, I returned to Andrew Heaney.  Am I suddenly more optimistic about the Angels now that they have the new manager, Brad Ausmus?  Well, no, not necessarily.  He is devilishly handsome — between Ausmus and Gabe Kapler, can a Jewish grandmother get some grandkids up in here?! — and Ausmus can’t be worse than The Sciosciapath.  At least he won’t have to make out the lineup card with a pencil in his mouth, because he’s wearing a straitjacket.  How much will Ausmus do for the Angels’ starters?  Meh, he finished under .500 as the Tigers’ manager after four seasons, and seems to fail sideways.  His bullpen management was goofy at best, and he thinks catchers, who are pitch framers, should go work at Aaron Brothers, the national chain of picture framers, not Rex Brothers’ brother (stutterer!).  Luckily, I don’t think Ausmus has any bearing on Heaney, there’s too much going in his favor, which I will now tackle, after this clunky segue:  So, what can we expect from Andrew Heaney for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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Go ahead, allow yourself a ten-minute cackle sesh after seeing Nick Pivetta listed as a sleeper.  I’ll allow it this one time, then we’re going to get down to business, and no more cackling at what an awful season Nick Pivetta had last year.  No more talk about his 4.77 ERA.  No talk of his 5.05 ERA in the 2nd half.  No talk about how his batting average against, slugging percentage against and wOBA against were all nearly identical from the first half to the 2nd half and none of them were particularly good.  No talk about how lefties hit him like he was a dumpster Fiers.  No talk about how Pivetta made you cry and crawl up into a ball every time he took the ball.  No talk about any of that!  No negative talk anymore after that ten-minute cackle.  Okay, done?  You have another 15 seconds of cackling?  Then get it over with, would ya?!  So, what can we expect from Nick Pivetta for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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So many things went through my mind for the Joey Lucchesi sleeper.  For the first time in a long time, I actually contemplated not writing this post, because I didn’t want to tip off other sites, i.e., competitors.  The last time I felt that urge it was 2016 and Delino DeShields was still a Jr., and we were pen pals who shared numerous correspondences.  In the end, I realized that I need to be true to you, Dear Reader, and your prematurely balding head and theory about how sweatpants are formal attire.  I also, for longer than I care to admit, searched for talk about how Lucchesi of the Bucatini Crime Family was recovering from shoulder, elbow or arm injuries of any sort.  He’s not, but I assumed I must be overlooking something and that’s why he’s being drafted so late.  He threw 139 IP in 2017, and 136 2/3 IP last year, so there was no overuse of his arm.  There’s no injury.  There’s no news about the Padres moving in their fences 175 feet.  What am I missing?  I have to missing something.  There’s no way Joey Lucchesi is healthy, not overworked, has the numbers he has and is being drafted as low as he has been, right?  Am I a part of a Black Mirror episode that I don’t know about and Joey Lucchesi is Italian for “technology will help you at first then end being your demise?”  No?  Then what gives?  Nothing?  Wow, then, without further ado…Anyway, what can we expect from Joey Lucchesi for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?