Times like this you wish Noah Syndergaard wasn’t complaining of a ligament strain and just had a bad lisp.   “Oh no! My finger is Thor, and it needs a Syndergaard.”  More like Noah Fingergaard!  Noah Syndergaard hit the DL with a finger ligament strain.  I’m fully aware that at least one person in every league ignored my advice to ignore Syndergaard and drafted him very early, so I will do something I’ve never done before, not gloat.  True story, my crazy aunt used to say I gloated all the time behind her back (I did) and I drove her into a mental asylum.  See, when I say my ‘crazy’ aunt, I’m being literal!  So, without gloating, let me just say when a pitcher proves himself to be injury prone, take his word for it.  His Synderwoord?  DeGrom’s already had a dislocated elbow, and my money’s on him getting injured at some point again soon too.  Same goes for Kershaw.  Not trying to be harsh, it’s just truth bombs.  If you own Syndergaard, hope he returns relatively soon, but this is the kind of injury that sidelines a pitcher for an entire season.  Sorry, another truth bomb.  Oh, and the Mets said Syndergaard can return in ten days.  What’s the opposite of a truth bomb?  That’s what that is.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hope everyone’s well rested and had a joyous Michael Bay Day.  If you couldn’t be American yesterday, I hope at least you got drunk and ate a bunch of hot dogs.  As they say in Mississippi, Amurica, “Spelling’s for sissies!”  In honor of Amurica’s half birthday, I hope you put a hot dog in your fly and went up to a female reporter, then let Roger Clemens watch you have sex with his wife.  Amurica would’ve wanted it that way!  Trevor Cahill did his part of keeping Amurica as true as the red, white and blue underwear you wash once a year and shut down those Rays, who we know want to have Devil in their name.  Cast out their demons, Trevamurica!  Yesterday, Cahill went 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (zero walks), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.25.  He’s never gonna give you a fire emoji of 98 MPH or even throw his fastball more than 45% of time.  He is throwing his slider twice as much as last year, cutting his curve’s usage, and after about 11 years in the league, it looks like its paying dividends.  His ground ball rate is over 60% and his walk rate is down to 1.8 with a 8.4 K/9.  What, you a rich man’s Dallas Keuchel?  I will call you, Dynasty’s Carrington.  I could see owning him in almost all mixed leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I went into the Mike Foltynewicz vs. Red Sox in Fenway matchup a spry, jovial young rascal.  The mischievous imp of Chinese food, the rapscallion.  Then Mike Faultywirewitz went 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.55, and I aged forty years.  “I was told just the painting of me is supposed to age.”  That’s me trying to get a refund for my Dorian Grey Albright portrait.  The time Finkynewhitch was on the mound was like the three-year span when I lost my fortune investing in Beanie Babies compressed into two hours.  He just loses all semblance of the strike zone out of completely nowhere.  It’s like, “We’re cruising….so cruising…And now I’m throwing five feet outside the strike zone.”  With that said, it’s hard not to be encouraged — his velocity is up to 96 MPH; his K/9 is up to 10.4; he’s got the best xFIP of his career, and his team should provide run support.  He’s also in his third full year when I like to look for starter breakouts.  The only drawback is his command is a mess.  As long as you watch him pitch with cucumbers on your eyes to combat the wrinkles, you’ll be fine.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In the spring of 2018, the Catholic Church summoned Father Carmen Sandiego to the Vatican to give him the job to investigate miracles, supernatural signs and apparitions.  Unfortunately, Father Carmen Sandiego, who wasn’t very good with his GPS, got lost for four days in the Steven Avery car lot in Wisconsin, then ended up in Milwaukee.  When he wandered into the parking lot of Miller Park, and Brewers fans tailgating with MGD and cheese curds, everywhere Father Carmen Sandiego turned he heard about the resurrected Jesus Aguilar, so he chose to investigate.  He found a player who had lowered his strikeout rate 8% from last year, upped his walk rate, cut his soft contact and could be a sneaky 25-homer, .275 guy.  Jesus didn’t appear to him in a vision, he was flesh and blood, like the Lenny & Squiggy cosplayers he also encountered.  However, Father Carmen Sandiego didn’t report back to the Vatican, instead he grabbed Jesus for his fantasy team.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Visual Metaphor Alert!  When a boat sinks, you can avoid sinking longer if you scramble to the stern of the boat.  As the boat sinks, you will be out of the water longer.  The Orioles have started playing baseball on that stern of the Titanic.  Of course, then the whole thing snaps in half and drowns you anyway.  “Hey, there’s Machado floating by with six life vests on, and there’s a different team insignia on each life vest!  Hey, Machado, can I get the Yankees’ life vest?  Machado?  Hey, Adam Jones!  Do you need that Nationals’ life vest?  Adam?   Aw geez.”  That’s Dylan Bundy wearing the Orioles’ life vest, as Mancini sinks holding onto Bundy’s ankle.  Yesterday, Bundy went 9 IP, 3 ER, 3 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 4.45, throwing 121 pitches.  *uck Showalter really wanted to get Bundy the complete game, huh?  It’s not like he had a no-hitter going, he surrendered a homer in the 4th inning.  The Orioles also had a six-run lead and were going for win number 16.  Showalter prolly just had a senior moment.  “How do you get this motorized scooter up the dugout steps and to the mound?”  That’s Showalter.  Bundy’s peripherals are actually gorge — 11.1 K/9, 2.9 BB/9, 3.85 xFIP.  Thus far, he’s been unlucky, which goes without saying because he’s on the Orioles.  Hard for me to get excited for that reason, too.  Of course, his numbers say he should be owned everywhere.  Good luck with that!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday’s Yankee/Rangers game started with a 1st-inning blast from Didi Gregorius (1-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .246) and his 11th homer.  The return of The Gregorius D.I.D. giving fantasy owners one more chance to tell trade partners gimme the loot, gimme the loot!  Also, in this game, Aaron Judge (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .284) went bye-bye now with his 13th; Neil Walker (2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .220) said get those tennis balls off my feet and hit his 2nd (this week); Nomar Mazara (2-for-5, 3 BRIs, hitting .274) said two teams can play that game and hit his 11th, and Ronald Guzman (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 5th homer, and his third game in a row, and the two time in a row I said to pick him up.  Rinse, repeat.  Also, in this game, Aaron Judge–Sorry, got carried away with the repeat gag.  Speaking of gags:  Fister, I hardly know ya!  And I wish you BCC’d me on Sabathia.  But the real news, Gleyber Torres (1-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .323) hit his 8th homer, and his 5th homer in five games) had his star mitzvah this week.  Were you invited?  Lou Bega performed.  They had dreidel piñatas.  The pot roast was cut-your-mouth dry.  All the fixins!  I know someone who wasn’t invited, Aaron Boone.  Has to explain how Gleyber’s still hitting 9th.  Can someone mansplain to me what’s going on?  Did Neil Walker win a Boone family egg toss so he has to bat so high?  Maybe if Boone’s entire coaching experience wasn’t hitting a walk-off homer, we’d have some idea how this should play out.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

To find my preseason article, I Googled “Kevin Gausman sleeper” and Google asked, “Did you mean 2015, 2016, 2017 or 2018?”  Google can be such a little snitch sometimes.  Yo, Google, mind your own business!  “Did you mean ‘How do I start my own business?’ or ‘How do I start my own business that actually makes money?'”  I hate you, Google!  In the preseason, I said, “In the 2nd half, Gausman was a top 20 starter-ish.  Top 20-ish?  Top-ish?  You get the drift.  In the 2nd half, he had the 16th best K/9 with a 2.8 BB/9.  He had the 21st best ERA with the 23rd best xFIP.  He had the 24th best fastball with the 3rd best splitter.  Or spliiter, if Desiigner is reading.  He averaged the 12th fastest, uh, fastball while throwing it the 12th most in the majors.  Some of these factoids are neither here nor there, but I’m filling in your charcoal sketch.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Yesterday, he went 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners (1 BB), 10 Ks, ERA at 3.48, and xFIP down to 3.65, which is the 29th best in the majors, between Hendricks and Newcomb.  And I ranked him 31st for starters in the preseason!  What does this mean?  Nothing really, but cool.  He has carried over that newfound command from the 2nd half and still striking out guys around mid-8 K/9.  Do I love owning an Orioles starter?  Do I look daffy?  But Gausman has been solid.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Let’s see, if Tyler O’Neill is Kelly Leak, then Coach Walter Matheny is curmudgeonly happy.  “Lean into the pitch, Whomever is the Cards catcher while Molina and Kelly are out!”  If in this reboot T. O’Neill is playing Kelly, who’s playing the girl’s role on the Cards?  Hmm, only one it could be is Tommy Herr.  Come out of retirement!  By the by, this movie?  Doesn’t hold up at all.  Don’t ever watch it again.  Remember what you can and move on.  Any hoo!  Tyler O’Neill (2-for-4, 4 RBIs, hitting .368) hit yet another homer — his third in three games — and he’s capable of hitting 30 homers.  Not over the whole year, like if we’re backtracking, I mean from today forward.  Not sure if the Cards play him, sometimes Walter Matheny appears drunk, but I would grab O’Neill for power.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Howie Kendrick is out for multiple 10-day DLs with a ruptured Achilles injury.  Look at it this way, if Achilles couldn’t come right back from an Achilles injury, how would Kendrick?  He can’t, he’s out for the year.  Enter stage left, Juan Soto.  True story, as I was listening to Prospector Ralph and Lance Broetc. discuss the top 25 prospects for fantasy baseball (clickbait!), every time Ralph would say Juan Soto I’d think he was asking Lance if he wanted soda.  I kept wanting to say, just give him a Dr. Pepper and stop asking if he’s thirsty!  I don’t drink Soto, because it makes me burp, but I’ll tell you what?  I’ve found a special appreciation for La Croix.  Give me flavored seltzer or give me death, as Alan Hale Jr. once said.  Any hoo!  Love, love, lurve what the Nats did.  If you have a guy that’s going to be a superstar?  You call him up!  H to the hockey sticks with an E in between!  If the Blue Jays don’t call up Vlad soon, I will call them the BJs for the rest of eternity.  Ralph has gone over Juan Soto so many times, that it’s silly to reiterate.  Literally, he just wrote a Juan Soto fantasy.  If you’re really lazy and you have wheels on your barcalounger so you can get around, the most succinct is Soto could be a 35/12/.300 hitter during his peak and is 19 years old with extra fizz.  You can expect this year something similar to Bryce Harper’s rookie year — 20/15/.270.  If your eyes don’t bug out on that, you’ve lost feeling in your eyes.  Get them checked.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

How good is Vladimir Guerrero Jr.?  The Blue Jays are now saying they’d like to see how he deals with failure.  He’s so good, he’s never failed!  He will be up by mid-June.  The Jays can longer hold him down anymore without concocting fake reasons.  Very soon you’re going to read this from me:  “Vlad, the Mini Impaler, just jacked another homer to go with his .320 average.  Aren’t you glad you listened to me and grabbed him back in mid-May?  You didn’t grab him?  Aw, shucks, you did a hashtag fail on that one, didn’t you?  It’s all right, there should be another generational talent up in five years.  I hear Bartolo Colon’s got 17 sons — one could be up soon and light the world on fire, or at least put the world in a microwave, open the door 30 seconds before the world is fully heated and eat it.”  And that’s me quoting future me!  So, do you wanna be the guy (or girl who can totally hang with the guys), saying, “Damn, Grey, you’re handsome AF but your witticisms cut deep sometimes.”  Or do you want to read my wound-salting barbs and think, “I’m so glad I own Vlad.  Now who is this Bartolo Colon Jr. he’s talking about?  I should comment calling him Bartolo Semi-Colon and totally make Grey cackle!”  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?