Our 2021 Razzball leagues are in signup mode. Robot in Signup Mode, “I am entering contest to win Razzball t-shirt even though I’ve never seen a robot wear a shirt. Starting….” The Robot begins to peter out, “…New…Fad.” Oh no, the Razzball Robot has died! *screaming to heavens* What hath you forsaken me?! Heavens, “Focus on ESPN’s 2021 fantasy baseball rankings, you moron.” Wow, the heavens do not take well to histrionics. So, this year’s ESPN rankings are a tad goofier than I remember them, but maybe I just got smarter — Smarterened? Smartered? Became the smarts? Meh, I don’t know. What I do know is ESPN has Trevor Bauer ranked 12th overall, and that made me laugh for a very long time. At one point, I coughed, and I thought I was coming down with the plague, but quickly recovered to laugh some more. Never knew ESPN was so climate-conscious, but they must be because they’re good recycling garbage. Maybe it’s bravery in the face of contradictory evidence. Maybe it’s dumb. Maybe it’s nuts. Hopefully not Mitch Haniger’s, they’ve been through enough. Any hoo! I’m clutchin’ my pearls like a Barbara Bush hologram and about to take out some ‘perts! *slowly, menacingly sharpens index finger for more incisive typing* I’m about to cut up somebody with words! Now let’s open a window and defenestrate ESPN’s 2021 fantasy baseball rankings. To the tune of U2’s Sunday Bloody Sunday, I call this So Bloody Stupid:Please, blog, may I have some more?
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Hey, how’s everyone doing? Enjoying your preseason? That’s nice. Have you see Parasite? It was great–*intern whispers in my ear* Yeah, I will talk about DJ LeMahieu and why he’s overrated. It’s so obvious, though, I thought I’d take this opportunity to check in on people. You know, give the impression I care about other people. What’s that? They can read this? Ohhhh…So, DJ LeMahieu just had a better season than any dream an acne-faced, 12-year-old DJ LeMahieu ever imagined while he was launching imaginary home runs in the back of the Party City his family ran. His father, Noisemaker LeMahieu, speaks to a customer, “Do you need a DJ for your party?” DJ overhearing, “Dad, I don’t want to go to anymore parties.” Noisemaker turns to his wife, “Piñata, straighten your son out, or I will.” Piñata, “¡Dios mio!” Then DJ would run into the parking lot, crying. After he composed himself, he would mimic the crowd noise of Yankee Stadium, and imitated Bob Sheppard announcing him to the plate. Or so the 30-for-30 that I’ve imagined has told me, i.e., DJ LeMahieu’s wildest dreams <are less than or equal to> His 2019 season. For s’s and g’s, I’m going to tell you his last three seasons stats, two of which were in Coors: 95/8/64/.310/6; 90/15/62/.276/6; 109/26/102/.327/5. Yo, am I the only one cackling? Giancarlo didn’t miss all of last year; he peed in the same fountain as DJ LeMahieu and, magically, they inhabited each other’s bodies. So, what can we expect from DJ LeMahieu for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?Please, blog, may I have some more?
After calling Alex Bregman overrated, I’m sticking with the trash can theme, as in, grab a trash can because you’re about to vomit:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Me in the locker room interviewing Kris Bryant, “Yo, Kris Bryant, are you the worst hitter who people think is great or is it me? And, honestly, I don’t think it’s me.” After being chased from the locker room, I look back and scream, “Hey, I wasn’t the one who compared you to Daniel Descalso!” Door slams on my face, then, after two beats, I pop my head back in, “At least it was 2018 Descalso, the year he was relatively good for him and hit 13 homers and .238!” Seriously, what in the holy eff is the deal with people liking Kris Bryant? I feel like to do justice to writing an overrated post for Kris Bryant, I need to first interview some people who like Kris Bryant at his current top 50 overall price tag. “Hello, I see you like Kris Bryant, can I ask you why?” Listening, then, “Because he’s handsome? Hmm…Wait, what’s that? Because he had a great year in 2016? Oh, okay.” Well, obviously, I’m not wasting my time interviewing anyone, but I imagine that’s about the summation of their defense for drafting Bryant. They’re not people who are looking at his recent numbers, or it’s some anecdotal nonsense about how he was great not that long ago. Hate to break it to you, but I think that’s ship’s sailed or you need to stop pretending you’re ‘shipped to him. So, what can we expect from Kris Bryant for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?
The prairie wind stirs up the sweet bouquet of spring. On the horizon, we see Mason Saunders, a rodeo extraordinaire, who looks remarkably similar to Madison Bumgarner. Mason stands on top of a wild steer throwing knives into a target right above the Astros’ mascot’s head, Orbit. Charlie Blackmon, dressed like the star of the blaxploitation film Chazz Noir Does Your Mom, approaches Saunders. “I’m Chazz Noir and my tricked-out Cadillac lowrider ran out of gas at the entrance of your ranch. Was wondering if you had any extra gas.” Saunders throws one last curve with his knife, and it sticks into Orbit’s arm and the mascot goes down like a sack of potatoes. Finally, Saunders replies, “Around here, boy, there’s no handouts. You need to work for gas. In the silo on the left of my ranch, we make Horsey Sauce that we sell to Arby’s, and, in the right silo of the ranch, is ranch dressing.”Please, blog, may I have some more?
I get jazz handsy when I’m writing overrated posts. It’s Razzball, after all. Razz is in the name, so it’s only natural I want to mock players. That’s what this whole shebang is built on, mocking. By the by, in retrospect, was Ricky Martin’s hit song, She Bangs, really written to be Shebang, as in the whole shebang, and the record label changed it to make it sound more hetero? “Um, Ricky, I like that song, it’s catchy, but maybe you could pause after ‘she.'” Or maybe Martin was commenting on a hairstyle of a female acquaintance who had bangs. This was a 20-year riff in the making, huh? Any hoo! I enjoy mocking players; it’s fun! With that said (time for Grey to turn this ship around), I’m getting no pleasure from mocking Joey Gallo. I like guys who hit 700-foot moonshots! Who doesn’t? Sometimes I’ll take a bottle of peach schnapps outside at night just so I can do my own moonshots. Sometimes I’ll take my Derringer out there and just shoot at the moon. I love that shizz! The more moonshottie the better! Ricky Martin should do a song, Moons Hottie, putting in a hetero space between words! I’d download that shizz and hit the avenue with the top down, pumping up the jams! I love it! How’sever…Well…So, what can we expect from Joey Gallo for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?Please, blog, may I have some more?
This isn’t about the Cheaty Cheaty Bang Bang scandal. I’m not here to talk about the Fiers Festival. We’re not going to rehash the Banghazi hashtag. You have a Big Bang Theory? Great, so do I. Wanna hear it after saying I’m not going to talk about it? Fine! Twist my arm! The Asterisks cheated; it’s well-documented. You can’t watch a home game of the Asterisks without it sounding like the PA speaker is accidentally on while someone nearby hammers together a piece of Ikea furniture without the proper instructions. “Where does this screw go? Hmm…eff it, I’m just gonna bang it together.” That’s what it sounded like. I made less racket drunk at 2 AM in college. There’s quieter trash cans in the dead of winter filled with a family of raccoons. There’s a ton of evidence. Irrefutable evidence, and they were convicted of cheating by Our Commissioner Manfred, who almost requested the return of a piece of metal. Their GM and manager fell on the swords. Were they the main ones to blame? Haha, my dude, the players are the ones that cheated. I’ve seen video evidence of Alex Bregman at the plate while Bang A Gong (Get It On) played in the background. So, he was right there in the middle of Bang-gate. Should he have apologized? I think so, but they were busted already, so it’s not like he’s saying something people don’t know. It’s the way of celebrities (athletes and otherwise) to not apologize unless it’s through a spokesperson. Never the hoo! None of this matters for fantasy or it all matters. We won’t know until the 2020 season concludes. We’d be guessing on that. The easy narrative for Bang-gate is: Bregman was good on the road, so he’s fine. That’s dismissive of what it is actually going on here. I was saying you should avoid Alex Bregman before any ruling came down about cheating. So, what makes Alex Bregman overrated for 2020 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Will get out of the way upfront the compliments. Yahoo isn’t nearly as bad as ESPN this year. (Likely any year.) Here’s my critique of the ESPN 2020 fantasy baseball rankings. ESPN appears to be phoning it in and they haven’t paid their phone bill in six months and they’re in talks with a bankruptcy attorney to get an extension on their bill because, “What defunct are they talking about?” While I don’t agree with all of Yahoo’s 2020 fantasy baseball rankings, I can at least understand what they’re talking about most of the time. For unstints, they have Fernando Tatis Jr. ranked 11th overall vs. my 10th, and ESPN has him at 43rd overall. That especially feels like a joke, much like, “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “An Astros player stealing signs.” So, before this becomes a 360-degree jerk with my new best friends at Yahoo, who I’m guessing not-so-secretly despise me, here’s a totally impartial look at Yahoo’s 2020 fantasy baseball rankings vs. my own 2020 fantasy baseball rankings:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Our 2020 Razzball leagues are in signup mode. Robot in Signup Mode, “I am entering contest to win Razzball t-shirt even though I’ve never seen a robot wear a shirt. Starting….” The Robot begins to peter out, “…New…Fad.” Oh no, the Razzball Robot has died! *screaming to heavens* What hath you forsaken me?! Heavens, “Focus on the ESPN rankings, you moron.” Wow, the heavens do not take well to histrionics. So, this year’s ESPN rankings are a tad goofier than I remember them, but maybe I just got smarter — Smarterened? Smartered? Became the smarts? Meh, I don’t know. What I do know is ESPN has Tim Anderson ranked 143rd overall and that made me cackle like a hyena for so long a group of white-jacketed asylum workers showed up at my house and tried to cart me away. Me singing to the tune of Pharcyde, “Can’t keep gettin’ carted awaaaaaaaaaay…Can’t keep gettin’ carted awaaaaaaaaaay…Can’t keep gettin’ carted awaaaaaaaaaay…” Any hoo! I’m clutchin’ my pearls like a Barbara Bush hologram and about to take out some ‘perts! *slowly, menacingly sharpens index finger for more incisive typing* I’m about to cut up somebody with words! Now let’s open a window and defenestrate ESPN’s 2020 fantasy baseball rankings. To the tune of Major Tom, I call this Major Dumb:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Almost every article I’ve written at Razzball has had positive feedback from you guys. Last week’s Fantasy Baseball Busts article was not one of those. Part of that was my fault by screwing up the Rangers ballpark situation and I want to begin this article by apologizing for that egregious dismissal. Missing something like that was a silly mistake on my part and I want to apologize for forgetting that. Everything else stands in that article though. I still don’t trust Kluber, Anderson or Giolito to provide at their respective price tags and Victor Robles’ horrid hitting profile scares me to death too. Even though I got some poor feedback in the last article, I still love to hear from you guys to know what everyone is thinking. With that in mind, let’s get into my busts with an ADP between 100-200.Please, blog, may I have some more?
We came out with the big guns in our first Fantasy Baseball Busts article, providing you with Top-50 players we want to fade. This article is much easier to write because the success rate will be much higher. In fact, I believe this is where you win or lose your draft and taking any of these guys I mention here is a quick way to land you near the bottom of your standings! Busts are a good way to fall out of your league and hopefully, this can stray you away from some of them. Without further ado, let’s get into our busts between 50 and 100.Please, blog, may I have some more?