Gonna look back at my ESPN fantasy baseball rankings comparison from last year, as I did with the Yahoo fantasy baseball rankings the other day, because it’s so helpful. Not for this year, but in general to humble myself. To make me hungrier than I’ve ever been. I have to eat. Then I make that spoon-to-mouth hand gesture, then I pat my stomach, making a hand gesture that I ate too fast, then I make the hand gesture that I need a nap, then I point to a watch-less wrist to ask you to wake me up, then I point to my diploma on the wall from Mime School. So, here’s the guys I told you to avoid in ESPN’s fantasy baseball rankings last year:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Every year, I put on a David Carradine-limited edition kimono, and walk the earth to ruminate on the perfect place for each player in my fantasy baseball rankings. Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs called me one year, asking if he could film my feet after one of these “walking of the earth” seshs. I declined, because my feet after 8,000 steps (according to my iWatch) on the sands of Redondo Beach are…*shudders*…I stepped on a half-eaten corndog this year. With mustard! And that’s not a euphemism for Paul DeJong. Do the guys from Yahoo Fantasy don a kimono and walk the earth for a full half-an-afternoon like me to do the Yahoo fantasy baseball rankings? Are they stepping on half-eaten corndogs for you? I highly doubt it. “These Yahoo rankings are not Kung Fu!” I scream into the jetty, as I excavate for starfish, which calms me. So, after I kebab multiple starfishes onto a skewer, I sit by an open fire, dining out on nature, and will now compare my 2022 fantasy baseball rankings with 2022 Yahoo fantasy baseball rankings:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

When someone says “therefore” in real-life conversation, you know they’re full of shit. Byron Buxton‘s 2022 projections are a big, giant “therefore.” People are expecting him to “therefore” for six months straight. He will need to beat the longest previous “therefore,” which was Luke Voit in 2020. The longest “therefore” in history is O.J. Simpson from birth until June of 1994. A “therefore”record that might not ever be broken. Some say that OJ’s “therefore” is the Cal Ripken consecutive game streak of therefores. A “therefore” to end all therefores. Therefores happen, don’t get me wrong. I therefore’d once in conversation. Was out to dinner with Cougs, and a couple we were with was talking about how their sister was doing an upcoming Ted Talk — an actual Ted Talk, not my dog, Ted, talking, which would actually be the best Ted Talk ever — and this friend’s sister was about to do a Ted Talk about ants, and I said, “Don’t tell me anymore. Your sister is giving the Ted Talk? Therefore, I will be watching.” And, boy, was I lying my ass off! Like I’m watching a Ted Talk, let alone one about ants! See, “therefore” is the giveaway. Next time you’re hanging with your friends say “therefore” and those friends, if they’re real friends, will no longer be friends with you, because you will be lying to them. Friends keep it real. They will stop being friends with some friends like ones using “therefore” in conversation. So, last year, Byron Buxton’s statline was 50/19/32/.306/9 in 235 ABs, and his projections are saying therefore/therefore/therefore/therefore/therefore. Therefore, please just stop the lies. So, what can we expect from Byron Buxton for 2022 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So, wasn’t expecting to write a George Springer overrated post. Didn’t seem like a guy who could possibly be overrated. What’s to overrate? You know him and he just missed half of last season, and he always misses time. Why is he even overrated? I’m having a hard time figuring that out. His Steamer projections from us are 100/32/85/.257/7 in 524 ABs. Don’t think any of those numbers are unattainable. I have him down for 91/27/63/.246/7 in 503 ABs. So, few less homers; same steals; little less average; counting stats are what they are. My problem is. Dot dot dot. Pause for effect. Dramatic sting. Why is that being drafted in the top 50 overall? If I told you I had a 27/7/.250 hitter, you’d say to me, “That’s a pretty cool story, bro, is it Anthony Rizzo?” And I’d say to you, “No, it’s George Springer,” and you’d say, “No, it’s not, but cool way to disguise Anthony Santander, Broseph,” and I’d say, “I’m not your Broseph, I’m being serious. Are you only able to guess Anthony names?” And you’d say, “Easy, Chilly Wills, is it Eduardo Escobar,” and I’d say, “No, CHILLY WILLS! IT’S GEORGE SPRINGER?!” And you’d say, “I think you suddenly went deaf because you started screaming,” and I’d say, “I’m no longer having this conversation,” and you’d say, “Is it Eddie Rosario?” And I’d throw you off the horsey we were sharing on this carousel of thoughts. So, what can we expect from George Springer for 2022 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

Psyche! So, yesterday, I said I was updating my 2022 fantasy baseball rankings, but later on I discussed it with Rudy and we’re holding tight for now, because, honestly, one week missed of games isn’t going to change anything. What, I’m gonna remove three runs, three RBIs and four-tenths of a homer and steal? Next week, we’ll reevaluate and potentially take two weeks of stats off the projections, or something else, yet to be considered. Next week, I’ll also do a state of the game roundup and discuss Acuña, Kershaw, and others. Anyway II, why is George Springer is overrated?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So, if you’re keeping a mental note of all the pitchers I don’t like, you might realize from the Anime Grey videos, Julio Urias is one of them. Now, I’m throwing in Walker Buehler. Trevor Bauer’s a big ol’ piece of garbage, and the only person ranking Max Muncy lower than me is Madison Bumgarner. Chris Taylor’s never done nothing for me no matter his position eligibility! I’m going to become the biggest hate spewer in SoCal! I’m going to put on my Vin Scully jersey and tell everyone it’s for Scully from The X Files. Just to insult them! I’m going to go to Dodgers games — fifteen minutes early — just to show them up! I’m going to tell everyone that will listen that Nathan’s hot dogs are better than Dodger dogs! I’m going to tell everyone that Dodgers’ superfan Mary Hart’s legs weren’t that spectacular! I’m going to tell everyone that Dodgers’ superfan Larry King is still alive…on Epstein’s island! I’m gonna tell them Clayton Kershaw isn’t a Hall of Famer and that I once saw Sandy Koufax eat pork! I’m the biggest hater in Los Angeles! But, now, about Walker Buehler. Sigh. I’m not going to run through why I would never draft a top starter. I wouldn’t, but this post isn’t about that. Wrote about that across 15,000 words in the top 20 starters for 2022 fantasy baseball. I won’t be drafting a top starter or Walker Buehler, but I can dislike Walker Buehler on his own. Brave! So, what can we expect from Walker Buehler for 2022 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I went back to my room at the Radisson. (This is not a sponsored post.) I laid my head down. Lied my head down? Ya know, because I was lying to the doorman when he asked if I had friends. It was none of his business. Plus, what was he doing in my room? Did each room at the Radisson have a doorman? I asked him that, then asked that he show himself out. After tucking me in. The tucking, the doorman did. It was so tight it was suffocating. I could barely breathe. So, I jostled around in the bed like a caterpillar shedding its skin, would I become a butterfly? Likely, yes. I was able to get one hand out of the tucked-in sheet and grab the mechanical claw I had on the nightstand that I used to feed myself grapes, so I could imagine I was a Russian prince. After the grape dropped into my mouth, I reached, with the mechanical claw, to grab a twenty dollar bill to light on fire to start myself a cigar. Earlier that day, I withdrew my life savings in twenties, and placed them precariously on the window sill. Hmm, I thought, if I lit a cigar in this non-smoking room, I might want to open the window first–

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Torendao!!!

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That’s a text message from Gerrit Cole to Brian “Bubba” Hawkins trying to procure some spin-inducing substance. That text message is being used in a court filing against the MLB, as Bubba claims he’s being used as a scapegoat. There’s only so many institutions that could be under fire from someone named Bubba. In the last ten years, the name Bubba only shows up three times in the U.S. court system: Bubba vs. Lowe’s for faulty outdoor furniture; Bubba vs. Pfizer as a manufacturer and distributor of trucker speed; Bubba vs. Bubblicious gum for not being at all Bubba-approved. That last case got thrown out. Okay, I kid, about the latter of this nonsense, but that really is a text from Gerrit Cole and he’s named in Bubba Hawkins’s court filing. Max Scherzer, Justin Verlander, and just about every Angels’ pitcher of the last decade-plus are also named. It’s not just a Gerrit Cole issue. It’s a league issue.

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Strongly debated not writing this post. It bums out to write it. I loved Teoscar Hernandez last year and told everyone to draft him around 200th overall. What a fantastic time was had by me and you, and him, I guess. What pushed me over the top thinking Teoscar Hernandez was overrated was our Steamer auction values. Not saying that’s the end all be all, but the icing on the shizz sundae? Oh, yeah, for sure. On our auction values, he’s ranked around that of Nick Solak. *stares into the abyss, the abyss stares back, unblinkingly* Yo, abyss, you best be blinking when I stare at you forlornly! The more I thought about Teoscar Hernandez being ranked around 150 overall for Steamer, the more I thought, “That’s prolly where he would’ve been ranked and drafted this year if we had 162 games last year. Also, why am I choking?” Then I realized I had the end of a hot dog lodged in my throat, and fell on my beanbag to dislodge it. “My beanbag” is a euphemism; I don’t live in a 1970’s basement den. Now I’m much closer to the once-absent-for-a-week Mr. Belvedere. If you know, you know. Actually, if you don’t know, I’ll tell you. Mr. Belvedere once missed a week of filming because he sat on his testicles. HA! Sorry, but everyone should know that. If you Google “Mr. Belvedere” you only need to add an S and it autofills “sat on his own balls.” I’m sorry, that will never get old. Okay, okay. Trying to move on, but I am snorting! What the eff, Mr. Belvedere? Teoscar is going around 70th ADP overall, and Steamer has him for 150, and I have him after the top 100, so…Well, again with some stank! So, what can we expect from Teoscar Hernandez for 2021 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

C’mon, what are you making me do here? A Kyle Tucker overrated post? *sucks teeth* Damn, I’m disappointed with myself. I was the one telling you to draft him last year. Now, I have to tell you not to draft him. Then tell you to draft him again next year? Then don’t draft him in 2022? Then draft him in 2023? What, am the Bret Saberhagen of fantasy ‘perts? You’re making me embarrass myself. Why do you do this? Does it inflate your ego at the expense of mine? Fine, but remember that when you’re hanging out with your new girlfriend you picked up based on your newfound confidence that you discovered from roundly trouncing someone you don’t know personally on the internet about Kyle Tucker. I’m helping you get laid! You’re welcome. My job is done here. Oh, yeah, Kyle Tucker. His ADP of 29 overall is the one of the more puzzling things in the 2021 fantasy draft season. Last year, he went 9/8/.268 and…what is going on here? I mean, I like him too, but the collective you boosted him 220 draft spots from his ADP last year based on that? By the way, the Collective You has some great adult contemporary songs like, “Paying the Bills with an SBA,” and “It’s Trash Day Again?” Just absolute adulting like no one else! So, what can we expect from Kyle Tucker for 2021 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last year’s schmohawk posts were Alex Bregman, Joey Gallo, Charlie Blackmon, DJ LeMahieu and Kris Bryant. Welp, four out five ain’t bad. I crushed four of those so hard it was like I Mola Ram’d my hand into their chest so decisively, some of them were unable to come back from it. Somewhere, Kris Bryant is still walking with his head lowered, kicking rocks at some of the weak-sauce grounders he’s hitting to the 2nd baseman. Imagine you could ruin careers with your typed words — THAT IS MY POWER! I am a responsible enough adult that I can handle doling out this sort of punishment, but I promise you, I go to sleep every night, praying each of my schmohawks will be able to start up a new career after I decimate them with my (s)words.

“Lord, I know you are busy, but please, if you have a moment, let Joey Gallo start a career as a pretzel salesman at a well-attended circus. Or whatever he wants to do. Thank you, and keep in touch, big homey!” That’s me knelt by my Cal-King, 45,000-count linen sheet-covered bed. Just an adult, doing adult shizz. Now, allow me to unsheathe my adjectives, unholster my nouns, something-something-out some verbs! Today’s dressing down comes at the expense of Dominic Smith. En garde! is what I scream as I eat a Snickers bar, while perusing Statcast. You’re done for, pal! So, what can we expect from Dominic Smith for 2021 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hello, or hola, as I learned during my 13 years of Spanish. Welcome to my critique of Yahoo’s 2021 fantasy baseball rankings. Or as I sometimes call it, “I don’t know what they’re thinking, but the longer I think about it the more it hurts my brain, so let’s just shrug through this without acquiring a tumor.” Let’s not have my obit be, “Grey is survived by a much older wife, Cougs, and Yahoo’s fantasy baseball rankings.” We’re gonna bury them, they’re not gonna bury us! Uh, me! See, we’re putting things in perspective, my over-the-internet friend. I have my aggravation ratio down to 3:2. For every three rankings I don’t agree with, I’m only screaming twice. It’s very freeing. I feel light as a feather. A very toxic feather. Anyway, here’s a totally impartial look at Yahoo’s 2021 fantasy baseball rankings vs. my own 2021 fantasy baseball rankings:

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Our 2021 Razzball leagues are in signup mode. Robot in Signup Mode, “I am entering contest to win Razzball t-shirt even though I’ve never seen a robot wear a shirt. Starting….” The Robot begins to peter out, “…New…Fad.” Oh no, the Razzball Robot has died! *screaming to heavens* What hath you forsaken me?! Heavens, “Focus on ESPN’s 2021 fantasy baseball rankings, you moron.” Wow, the heavens do not take well to histrionics. So, this year’s ESPN rankings are a tad goofier than I remember them, but maybe I just got smarter — Smarterened? Smartered? Became the smarts? Meh, I don’t know. What I do know is ESPN has Trevor Bauer ranked 12th overall, and that made me laugh for a very long time. At one point, I coughed, and I thought I was coming down with the plague, but quickly recovered to laugh some more. Never knew ESPN was so climate-conscious, but they must be because they’re good recycling garbage. Maybe it’s bravery in the face of contradictory evidence. Maybe it’s dumb. Maybe it’s nuts. Hopefully not Mitch Haniger’s, they’ve been through enough. Any hoo! I’m clutchin’ my pearls like a Barbara Bush hologram and about to take out some ‘perts! *slowly, menacingly sharpens index finger for more incisive typing* I’m about to cut up somebody with words! Now let’s open a window and defenestrate ESPN’s 2021 fantasy baseball rankings. To the tune of U2’s Sunday Bloody Sunday, I call this So Bloody Stupid:

Please, blog, may I have some more?