I’m disappointed, I thought Mike Soroka was the first Thai-born pitcher.  One thing about Soroka, he really brings the heat.  He’ll also answer to Mike The Rooster Sauce.  He’s the spiciest prospect since Pirates’ Single-A phenom, Ravi Gospepradam, and the Padres’ Tony Tarasco.  If only they had that Jays’ prospect, Tom Yum Khai, to cool their palette.  The Braves alone have MLB’s staff highest on the Scoville Scale:  Soroka, Luiz Goharabnero, Mike Frankshotsaucewicz, Sean Capsium and Julio Tahiniran.  Tahini isn’t hot, unless you’re eating it in Iran!  Well, I guess Tahini could be spicy.  If you can make mayo spicy, like Spicymayohiro Tanaka.  Yesterday, Soroka went 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks in only 80 pitches, to show you how on the plate he was with that 95 MPH heat.  In Triple-A, he had a 9.5 K/9, 2 BB/9 and 1.99 ERA with nearly neutral luck.  Against the Mets, he touched the corners of the plate the entire night, barely giving anyone something easy to hit.  This was in a debut for a 20-year-old.  He had more poise than Tootie with a book on her head.  It’s gonna be hard to send him down, but I don’t know what’s in store for him.  He might get the Walker Buehler treatment with the occasional start, bouncing between the majors and Triple-A.  Either way, The Rooster Sauce looks red hot!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Corey Seager hit the DL about 15 minutes after weekly lineups locked for the massive Ziplock.  “Yo, I got more Ziplocks than a 5th grade bully stealing lunches,” said the very un-woke fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!).  Never bully, unless you’re like Cougs and you say, “Bully bully,” thinking it’s “Dilly dilly.”  Don’t tell Cougs she’s out of touch!  Then ten minutes later, in a cruel twist of fate, Seager told the world he needs Tommy John surgery that he should’ve had this offseason.  Anyone who reads The Ball of Razz knows I hate Seager for fantasy, so I won’t rub salt in your wounds if you drafted him, but you did it without my consent, so I could retain the legal services of Gloria Allred and send you to jail.  Replacing Seager will be some combo pu-pu platter of Utley, Forsythe, Taylor and Kike.  Corey should be back next year to the City of Angels without missing a beat, unlike Corey’s Angels.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

According to Elias Sports Bureau, Nick Kingham retired the most batters to start a game since 1961 in a debut.  Elias Sports Bureau also said, “There were sixteen cracks in the 5th floor’s tile closest to the bathroom, which is a new record for cracks in a tile.”  Yo, Elias Sports Bureau might have OCD.  On our top 100 starts of 2018 chart, Kingham registered in the top 10.  According to Baseball-Reference, he’s the first pitcher to debut with 7+ IP and not have a baserunner reach scoring position.  According to Kent Tekulve, Kingham was the first pitcher in a 1979 Pirates uniform not high on cocaine since Tekulve.  In all, a terrific debut for Kingham — 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 9 Ks.  Originally, the Pirates planned on a one-and-done, hit-and-run, wham-bam-thank-you, young-man start for Kingham and see him get sent right back down, but they rightfully are having him travel with the team, and appear to be keeping him up.  His Triple-A numbers (10.7 K/9, 2.8 BB/9, 1.59 ERA) say this is the right move.  I’d hold off for now in mixed leagues, but you should cyclops him with a monocle.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“Three little kids run into frame — let’s aim for an Asian, white and black kid — then they scream, ‘Hey, it’s Mac Williamson our favorite pimp!’ Then Mac enters in a fedora and fur coat and hands out lollipops that say ‘All day suckers’ and inside the lollipop wrappers are condoms.  Can you dig it?”  That’s Melvin Van Peebles on the set of the now-classic blaxploitation film, Hopefully Pence Is Shafted.  So, first things first, will Mac Williamson lose playing time to Pence, when he returns?  Have no idea what Bruce Bochy and his size 9 hat is going to do with The Gangly Manbird.  “Can The Gangly Manbird do it with a donkey?  Can you dig it?”  That’s Melvin again.  My guess is Pence will play, but Pence hasn’t really played for two years now, and Mac Williamson, the blaxploitation film star, is playing now and that’s all that matters.  Well, also his power.  It’s insane.  He has 9 homers in 16 games this year between Triple-A and the majors.  He could hit 30+ homers without even breaking a sweat.  Except when bedding two ladies, while putting another two to work.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

On a chalkboard someone has written, “K/9 Revolutionaries — Donuts in back, the kind of donuts you can eat.”  In a semi-circle, Patrick Corbin, Gerrit Cole, and Garrett Richards discuss a knuckle curve.  “If you dig your index finger in like you’re Richard Gere trying to get a gerbil out–”  When Kyle Gibson walks in, startling them.  “What’s up, guys?”  The other pitchers frantically hide their K/9 Revolution propaganda; Richards tries to wipe down the chalkboard but the eraser is just streaking the writing, then Michael Pineda appears, wipes pine tar over the chalkboard writing and leaves from where he came.  So, they don’t want Kyle Gibson part of the K/9 Revolution, but he looks like he might be down for the cause.  Yesterday, he went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 10 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.33.  His 10 K/9 would be an easy career high. This follows a trend we saw with Gibson last year in the 2nd half of the year.  He’s not doing it with gas either.  He’s dropping well-meaning, nonchalant off-speed pitches.  He scaled back his slider usage, but it’s working much better in a lesser-seen capacity, and his curve he’s using more — outside the zone.   This has upped his walks, but the number of swings he’s generated outside the zone has leaped like 12 lords.  His pitches may lack command, but the K/9 Revolutionaries should put him in charge of at least the northern border to guard against Ontario, eh.  And if you think the K/9 Revolutionaries are not real, this year 35% of plate appearances have ended without the ball in play, and, for the first time in the history of baseball, we’ve played nearly a month with more strikeouts than hits (h/t Joe Sheehan).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Tigers have filled their corner outfield with eight year olds that would be friends with the little white kid from The Blind Side and Friday Night Lights that won the hearts of stoic football players.  “Gotta go, Mikie. We invited, JaCoby over!”  You know the little white kid aka Brandon Inge.  “Hey, Ron Gardenhire, can we invite Leonys Martin to live with us?”  Ron thinks about it for a second, then, “Sure, if you’ll help me check my blood sugar.”  “Ron, no more Ben & Jerry’s!”  “Aw geez.”  Ron musses Brandon Inge’s hair and they walk off into the sunset, which in Detroit is a spray-painted sun on a wall.  In the doubleheader yesterday, Leonys Martin (3-for-10 and his 3rd and 4th homer) continued his recent brilliance.  This was why I begged numerous past teams to give him a starting job!  Also, in the do-he (totally an abbreviation), Jeimer Candelario (4-for-10, 6 runs) kept being red-hot schmotato hot, hitting his 4th homer, and his 4th homer in the last 11 games, while hitting near-.400 in that time, raising his average almost hundred points.  Candelario also must drink a lot of Mexican tap water, because he’s got the runs!  Then there was Nicholas Castellanos (5-for-9, 5 RBIs, 2 runs, hitting .333, and his 2nd homer).  It’s the Greek God of Hard Contact from the country of Hekindahitit.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

*walking through a packed hallway, head nodding at the ladies* “What’s up, chiquitas?  Que paso, senoritas?  Assume there was an upside down question mark in front of that question.  I’m feeling pretty good, and it’s not just because I’m wearing my extra tight bicycle shorts that make me aroused when I cough.  Nope!  RONALD ACUNA IS UP!  Hey, so are my letters.  Preston Tucker?  How about you Tuck off?!  I’m so pumped!!!  Seriously.  I wanna make love to my fantasy team where I have Acuna.” *realizing I don’t know what hallway this is and need to leave before I’m arrested*  Here’s my Ronald Acuna fantasy.  Go look at the GIF I have there and tell me you’re not aroused.  Don’t send pics!  I said he’d be up mid-April.  Oops, one week off!  And his projections were 74/17/77/.304/21 in 514 ABs!  I need to sit down.  Wait, I am sitting!!!  AHHHH!!!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Miguel Andujar went 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .316, and slugging around 4,000 in the last week.  I think I know what is happening here.  Yankees fans, in their meathead accent, are cheering him on, but he feels like he constantly has to re-announce himself to the fan base like they’ve forgotten about him.  Imagine how maddening that must be.  They scream, “ANDUJAR?!”  And, Miguel, shakes his head, thinking to himself, “Why do they keep asking, ‘And you are?’  They know who I am, don’t they?  Will I never be good enough?  I guess I have to homer again.”  And so it goes, so it goes.  When Drury returns, Andujar might get squeezed for playing time, but right now I see no way they could ever bench him.  Prospector Ralph and I talk a bit about Andujar on the podcast, and I mention how Andujar could outproduce Gleyber and be the Rookie of the Year.  They will know, ‘And you are!’  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Gleyber Torres was called up by the Yankees and here’s what I said this offseason, “My love for Gleyber is admittedly less coalesced into an actual thing than you’re gonna find from just about any Yankees fan.  “Ya godda be fahkin jokin wit me right here, kid.  Gleyber Torres is gonna be the greatest of all-time, son.  All.  Time.  I wanna coalesce my fist into ya fahkin head with your sissy-boy words.  Why don’t ya use a word like fuhgeddaboudit?  Before you answer, I need to go with my mom to have her mustache waxed.” That’s your run-of-the-mill Yankees fan.  See, Gleyber is already being fitted for Monument Park in Yankee Stadium before he even plays a game.” And that’s me quoting me!  In fantasy, he looks more like, Gley… *pinkie to mouth* bore!  He is a borderline top ten MLB prospect.  That’s the Gleyberline, even.  He was in Prospect Ralph’s top 100 fantasy baseball prospects.  The problem (it’s not much of a problem), he’s a hit tool guy first.  What does that mean?  He’s going to hit for average first.  That’s not a bad thing necessarily, but for fantasy when a guy is called up and he’s a 40+ steal or homer guy, they might have a bigger immediate impact, immaterial?  Immeasurable to immortality or immune–Okay, now I’m just IM’ing.  I would own him in any league, no matter how shallow.  There’s a chance you can do better in shallower leagues.  His outcome this year is anywhere from Orlando Arcia to Alex Bregman.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yuli Gurriel will forever be known for the less-than-woke gesture he made in the playoffs, unless he were to do something even worse — “Hold on, it appears Yuli has taken the field with…uh…Is that pine tar on his entire face?  Oh, man, that was misguided.”  “Wait, is Yuli patting a rosin bag on his face and performing Kabuki theater on the mound?  Oh, c’mon, Yuli.”  “What on earth is Yuli thinking, he’s dressed like Nanook of the North and building an igloo out of Igloo coolers.  This guy desperately needs to see Human Resources for some sensitivity training.”  Funny in retrospect he made the Asian slight when his nickname is a mashup of two Asian names, Yu + Li.  Any hoo!  Was shocked to see him owned in less than 50% of leagues.  Prior to his Spring Training injury, I had him ranked high, due to how much I wanted him.  Sure, there’s some concern his injury could linger, but he’s well worth the flyer for his potential 20-homer power, .280-ish average and solid counting stats.  Just hope he gets the sensitivity training he needs.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?