Welcome back for another star-studded event! Assuming you hack into your favorite online dictionary and replace the definition of ‘star’ with “guy who lives in his mom’s basement and screams when someone finishes his Doritos,” and next to the definition of ‘stud’ you put a picture of yourself. The Razzballies are the only award show where it’s totally fine to show up in sweatpants, and for your fingers to be orange from Cheetos. We don’t judge. We will occasionally mock. Mock-judge, tomato-tomahto. Get over it! But don’t mock Judge, that’s not all right. I hope you enjoyed the clip show where I inserted myself into various baseball clips from this year. How about the clip where I was Kris Bryant learning about launch angles from David Eckstein? Hee-lar-e-us! So, before I’m talking to no one but a room full of seat-fillers, here’s the year-end awards for the best and worst of fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Emerging from your parents’ basement, blocking the sun with your hand, “Mother, did you see wash my underwear? Mother?” You shake her shoulder and her head falls off and the skull rolls into the kitchen. You casually pick up the head, “Mother, did you do my laundry I asked for back in March?” You move your mother’s jaw bones, “Yes, sonny boy. How did you do in your fantasy league?” “Thank you for asking, mother. I achieved great success. Let’s tell father.” You turn to a sack of potatoes wearing an “I’m with stupid” t-shirt and glued-on corn cob pipe. “Father, we have won our fantasy league. It was great fun. Now it’s back to spending time with the family.” And that’s how you incorporated yourself back into family life. Well, we can’t all be winners like that gent, but it is time to lick thy wounds if you lost and razz thy neighbors if you won. So, hopefully, let’s razz on, Razzers. Unless your league counts game 163, then it’s still on like Steve Wiebe playing Donkey Kong! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know how they say think about baseball to make sex last longer? Okay, so I was thinking, to make the baseball season last longer do we think about baseball? Maybe we think about sex. This is a riddle for the Sphinx! “Hello, Sphinx, I have a question. Yes, I have $20. Why do you ask? Because you’re a sex worker wearing gold paint and not an ancient Egyptian statue? Ah, that’s my bad.” You ever read that book, The Mouse That Roared? I think it was assigned for me to read back in school, and I watched the movie instead. Solid flick! So, if a mouse roared, he’d be a hoarse mouse while still roaring. That’s how I’m screaming David Dahl‘s name right now. Like a roaring hoarse mouse. An RHM, as they say. Who’s they? Hoarse mouses, of course. The bitter enemy of the church mouse. Are you following? Cause I’m leading you down some place of interest. I am a hoarse mouse roaring David Dahl because I love him. Yesterday, he went 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 4th straight game with a homer. He might be my favorite player for 2019. You take your Adalbertos, but David Dahl has 35/15/.290 ability in Coors and, with how he’s playing these final weeks, he might actually have the lead for the three hole in the Rockies’ lineup going into 2019. This is the best spot in the major leagues to hit. As a roaring hoarse mouse on a horse might say, giddy up! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I have an unpopular opinion, that I know will never fly. Pants with magnet buttons. Okay, I have another one: knock people over the head and when they wake, tell them they’re on Mars and film it. Like Survivor but more panicked. My final unpopular opinion, allow teams to forfeit. I know in today’s charged political climate it’s not cool to say anything bad about herbathrowdites, but hitters pitching is stupid. It’s okay for a quick laugh, but a team has obviously forfeited if they’re pitching Jace Peterson. Just let them throw a white flag, and call the game. Of course, this would be wildly unpopular with fans who paid a lot of money to see nine innings, but are people sticking around in a 19-3 game. I don’t know, maybe they are. So, yesterday, Xander Bogaerts (2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) collected his 100th RBI and 22nd homer. Just Dong Martinez (3-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 42nd, a number I thought was retired. Mookie Betts joined the 30/30 club (more on him after the jump). Blake Swihart went 3-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (6), inching closer to Buster Posey’s year-long homer total. Rafael Devers (5-for-8, 3 runs, 6 RBIs) stole the show, hitting his 20th and 21st homer. I’ve collected 1,000 praying mantises and joined them in a prayer circle that feels insectually correct, hoping Devers doesn’t push up his 2019 fantasy value in this final week. I talked a bit about this on the last podcast, but Devers is only 21 years old, and could easily be a middle of the order bat for the Red Sox next year. That’s very good, assuming every team they’re facing doesn’t forfeit. Or assuming every team does. I don’t know, let’s figure this out together! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Gary Sanchez went 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .184. As I’ve mentioned, I’m busy on the backend of the site doing year-end recaps for every position, and, yes, even the catchers, which will be released after the season ends. With that said, did good ol’ Gary have the worst season ever for a consensus number one at a position? Was it consensual? “Why ya gotta put the word sensual in consensual?” every man in 2018. By the by, was there a grabby hands discount coupon at GropeOn that I missed? Sanchez’s year makes Cervelli look like a first ballot Hall of Famer. And, if there’s ever a wing for concussions, I hope Cervelli’s CTE is one day in there. Sanchez might be the first person to ever achieve exactly half of his preseason projections. Even his batting average is about half of what was expected. For 2019, I could see him recovering, but I won’t be the one to draft him to find out. In other words, I’ll be bringing out major hedges with Sanchez, while drafting Austin Hedges. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Corey Kluber (7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.83, and his 1st 20-win season) just passed Trevor Bauer with 216 Ks, giving the Indians four guys with 200 Ks. They may not even win as many games as the Rays, but you’re really coming for the Indians in the playoffs? I predict a red-blooded, all-American Indians-Braves World Series. “Hello, my name is Woke Wally. Yes, I’m wearing a badge that reads, ‘Woke.’ I received this honorary badge as a participation trophy from my wife, Margaret. Do you know what I was participating in? Citizenry! I’m here at your sheriff’s office to file a formal complaint on behalf of the millions affected by a casually racist World Series.” The Stream-o-Nator lines Kluber up vs. the Royals for his final game, but I can’t imagine he throws more than three innings in that start, and is likely just skipped. For 2019, Kluber is once again going to be way out of reach for me, like an imaginary tassle on the end of a Braves fan imaginary tomahawk. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sample sizes are everything, or so I’ve heard. From other people. Not about me. I’m personally told sample sizes mean nothing. Gently reminded, as I’m also reminded, it happens to everyone. What is ‘it?’ Damn, that’s deep, which is not what I hear often when discussing sample sizes, but Tim Beckham (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) went deep twice yesterday (11th and 12th homer). I’m talking about sample sizes more than a bachelorette party because Beckham had done nothing up until yesterday’s game. At this point in the season, it’s not what has a guy done this month or past week, but what did he do yesterday and what can he do today? Two homers tell me a guy is locked in. *Beckham mimes being in a box* Perfect! I’d grab him, sample size be damned. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
At this point in the season, it’s like a tag line for a bad horror film, no one is safe. Narrator, “This fall, in a theater near you, Jamie Lee Curtis, the world’s hottest cougar. A cougar so hot when she enters any room, a DJ plays, “Stray Cat Strut,” but the people in the room replace cat with cougar.” Unsuspecting person, whistling, “I’m just going to open this random closet over here while this ominous music plays. No, I’m not going to turn on a light first, that would be silly.” Unsuspecting person opens the closet door and Jamie Lee Curtis jumps out, “Boo!” “Boo as in you want to be my boo, because you are so hot for a 70-year-old. How about me, you and the diner waitress who calls me sugar get a motel room?” Jamie Lee Curtis shakes her head and walks away as people sing Stray Cougar Strut. Narrator returns, “No one is safe, and everyone wants to sleep with the 70-year-old Jamie Lee Curtis, because she is so hot. Has she had work done?” No one is safe on fantasy teams either. In the Sells, I’ll get to dropping, but this is about picking up (and not just 70-year-old women). There’s a good chance I go all-in on Daniel Palka this offseason. Of course, before going all-in, it’s important to get consent first. I learned this the hard way with Giancarlo. This post is just about what he can do over the next week. That would be best informed by what he’s done over the last week: 4 HRs and hitting .375. As I tell Jamie Lee Curtis in my daydreams, giddy up, sexy, we’re going for a ride! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Briefly alluded to Stephen Piscotty in yesterday’s roundup and how I’d love to the see the A’s go deep in the playoffs. Do I think they will? Can pigs fly? No, though, Puig can hit deep flies, and lick inanimate objects like he’s a fly regurgitating his food. The A’s have two starters and they’re named Mike Fiers and Edwin Jackson (5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.18). So, that’s an uphill battle as they say on the way to the soap box derby starting line. They do have a well-balanced offense, which is a little crazy when you think about their home park. Ron Jeremy has less foul territory. Oakland is a top five offense, and their park, as it always has been, is a bottom five park for offense. That’s so backwards it’s like, “I’m getting so lucky on Tinder recently!” Then finding out you’ve actually been opening 23 and Me and you’re banging your cousins. At the forefront of the A’s attack — A’stack? — is obviously Khris Davis (2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI), but ‘a little dab will do ya’ with Semien (3-for-5, 1 run, 5 RBIs), every Semien encounter begins with a Martini (3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer), and Matt “Thank God I’m Not Matt Olson” Chapman (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) has been on one since July, but Stephen Piscotty is having the year everyone expected from him when he was on the Cards. I know he had some personal issues, but he might be the first player ever to not be better on the Cards vs. anywhere else they’ve gone. Piscotty went 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and hit his 26th homer with back-to-back huge games, and in the last 20 games, he’s hitting .338 with eight homers and 26 RBIs. For 2019, what can he do? Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know! But I do. He can do what he’s been doing this season, a solid third outfielder with 2nd outfielder upside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
This is going to blow your mind. Before you read any further, I want you to take some precautions. Grab some masking tape from your “Never Used Shizz” drawer and wrap it around your head. Whoa, whoa, whoa! You didn’t just wrap your head with masking tape, covering your eyebrows, did you? Hmm, well, when you remove that tape, you’re gonna look like Phil Simms. (Hint: He’s got no eyebrows.) Okay, I told you to avoid Tommy Pham in the preseason, due to his draft price, and ranked him 31st for all outfielders. On our Player Rater going into yesterday’s game, he was ranked 31st. *does Ace Ventura victory dance on the porch* I have exorcised the demon! Yesterday, he had one of his best games of the season, if not best (yes, too lazy to look), he went 3-for-5 with his 18th and 19th homer, hitting .266, but hitting .327 on the Rays, and if he wasn’t derailed by an injury when he first arrived in Tampa, he’d be doing better (or worse as his BABIP stabilized; it’s ~.500 in September). I could see letting up on my hate on Pham in 2019, but he’s still old and has stopped running, so the price will need to be much more reasonable. Okay, you can remove the tape now. Hey, eyebrows are overrated (like Tommy Pham coming into this year). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?