Charlie Morton aka Ground Chuck was playing “Hamburger Patty Cake” with the Mariners yesterday — 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, 0 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.72, WHIP at 0.88. Ground Chuck said, “I’m A-1, try to ketchup.” Then he took a long pull off his Jamaican meat patty, and continued to speak in food allusions, “I’m topped by Monterey Jack, you’re whack.” Ground Chuck cracked his knuckles, “I make you so gay, you try to find Ground Chuck on Grindr.” Then, after a pause, “Gay, as in happy, but no judgments.” Finally, concluding, “If the Babe had a kid named Chris, then Ruth’s Chris still ain’t got shizz on Morton’s.” Charlie Morton sounds a bit cocky there, but he has every reason to be. In the preseason, I said, “A pitcher that goes through life as an also-ran to turn it around in his 30’s is rare. One other guy comes to mind, his name rhymes with Bitch Chill. Anyhoo, I’m buying into Morton’s transformation. How about a late-in-career transformation we call The Caitlyn Jenner? No? Okay.” And that’s me quoting me! One thing I did not understand at all was why there were so many skeptics on Morton this preseason. It was as if they ignored all of his previous season, and did not watch him in the playoffs. Ground Chuck is Salisbury Steak’ing his claim as a top five starter. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
…And presenting our next award is Chance the Rapper and Grey the Napper. *I lean into the mic* “Thank you, it’s wonderful to be here. Did you know the inventor of Ping Pong originally named it Fing Fong? Yup, but he had terrible penmanship.” *no one laughs* “Oh, hey, there’s Jeff Daniels. My dad loves you, but calls you Jack Daniels. Then again, I’m not sure he’s talking about you. Anyway, the nominees for our first Teoscar are… Teoscar Hernandez, from years in the minors of 17 homers, 33 steals. Teoscar Hernandez, from the projections of 17/17 for this year. Finally, Tesocar Hernandez, playing a fire emoji in The Emoji Movie, who yesterday went 4-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs, hitting .421, with his 1st homer, while coming a double short of the cycle. And the winner is… *fumbles with envelope* “Wow! Tesocar Hernandez.” “He was the only one nominated, and it’s called the Teoscars.” “Shut up, Chance! You’re ruining the ratings! By the way, to cover the weed smell in your house, you should open a Subway sandwich shop in your living room.” So, obviously Teoscar’s been all that and a swag bag of freebies, and I would grab him in all leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Indians and Twins set sail for the Caribbean island of Puerto Rico to rid themselves of the cold weather. Puig should really be from there, because white people pronounce each similarly awful. “Welcome to Pwwwwwayto Rico!” This was a homecoming for Francisco Lindor (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) and he promptly hit his 2nd homer, a moonshot that went about 275 feet (but, hey, it counts). Also, taking advantage of the short fences was Michael Brantley (3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 1st homer), Jose Ramirez (3-for-5, 4th homer) and Yonder Alonso (1-for-4, 3rd homer). The video of Lindor going around the bases is all that dem feels that baseball does right. How does baseball not have a team in Puerto Rico? Talk about something that is so obvious you have to be as ignorantly run as MLB to not see it as plain as day. Move the fences back 25 feet in Hiram Bithorn Stadium, switch out the fungo bats for mofongo and let that star shine! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
There’s no greater compliment I can give a player than I wish I owned him in every league. Okay, maybe a higher compliment is I wish he’d married my mom and been my dad, but then he’d be old and I wouldn’t be able to own him in every league, unless he married her when I was, like, 20 and he was three years old, but then I’d sorta be like his dad, but I would have to call him dad and that would be confusing, what would I call him, “Lil’ Dad?” “Half Pops?” “Daddy Little Jeans?” And if Daddy Little Jeans were my dad and I owned him in fantasy and he had a bad game, then dinner would be awkward. “Hey, Daddy Little Jeans, you can’t get a hit off a Marlins pitcher? You’re useless, and my mom wants a divorce!” So, in conclusion, it’s best if I say I want to own a player vs. have him be my dad. Seriously, though, Bryce Harper (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with his 8th homer, hitting .315) could be finally putting up that 45/15/.320 season we’ve all been dreaming about, and headed for a $750 million pay day with the Yanks (after holding out for three months into the season).
Bryce Harper hit a home run on a broken bat, or one of those tiny collectible bats. Either way, impressive. pic.twitter.com/un2IIXyret
— Razzball (@Razzball) April 17, 2018
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Just wanna put it out there that Al Gore did a better job of inventing the internet than he did at global warming. All these postponements is a real shit
show…snow. The way we’re going there’s going to be back-to-back tripleheaders in August for some teams with the ceremonial first pitch thrown out by Joel Youngblood. Here was me trying to field a full fantasy team the last few days: I’m going to hold onto Matt Davidson through his postponed games, at least I have Freddie Freeman, and now the Braves are rained out, well, I have Miguel Andujar in a doubleheader, and…that’s been canceled, guess I can grab whomever is starting for the Royals vs. Ohtani and that game has been called. Hmm, down to one game on Sunday — Rays vs. Phils. C’mon, Kiermaier–And he’s out after one inning. FMFBBL. Any hoo! Yesterday, Starling Marte went 5-for-5, 4 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .305. If you’re facing him, urine trouble, if you’re a PEDs tester, that is. By the way, I heard an interesting tidbit on a podcast the other day. If you wipe a baby diaper filled with pee on your face, you will stay forever young. Of course, the advice came from a prisoner serving 25 years to life in San Quentin, so there might be side effects. Coming into this game, Marte was hitting .241, and he raised his average more than sixty points, which shows you how young the season is still. Maybe the season wiped baby urine on itself. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
The other day Cougs told me her eye drops went from $20 a bottle to $240. Naturally, I didn’t even know she used eye drops, because I don’t pay attention to much aside from who’s the backup catcher on the Nationals. So, I said to her, “$240?! Wait, you’ve been spending $20 on eye drops up until now?! Why?” She replied, “I have dry eyes, you know this.” “Dry eyes? Get some Visine!” “Visine doesn’t work.” Thinking on my feet, I responded, “Fill a bucket with water and I’ll dunk your head.” She didn’t go for that, so I continued, “Buy a $12 Super Soaker and I’ll spray your eyes whenever your eyes are feeling dry!” She started to leave the room. “Is this a hot flash thing? Don’t buy $240 eye drops! Please!” And that was how that conversation ended. Segue Alert! Nick Senzel could be a bucket of water instead of $240 eye drops. There were a lot of expensive eye drop, middle infielders at the draft, but if you grab Nick Senzel, he could be the same and free off of waivers. In Prospector Ralph’s top 100 prospects for fantasy baseball, he compared Senzel to Alex Bregman. Seems like a great comp to me. Senzel should be a 20+ HRs, 15+ SBs, .270 hitter immediately. The only thing stopping Senzel is ‘When will he be called up?’ Word on the street he could be up this weekend. If that’s the case, you’re gonna wanna own him in every league. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
This preseason Gregory Polanco was a Capri Sun. Yes, the pouch drink that you need to stab 17 times to get the straw in. Crazy, right? What’s crazier is I have an explanation! Ready? Here we go, readers! There is something just completely gross about liquids in a pouch. Put some delicious nacho cheese in a ziplock bag. You do not want to eat that anymore. Seriously, cut the corner and squeeze it into your mouth. So nasty! An IV bag? Yeah, that’s appetizing. Why not grab a colostomy bag and cut out the middle man? Bagged liquids are gross. However — again with some stank! — HOWEVER, Capri Sun is surprisingly good. Okay, u-turn to Polanco. This preseason the Pirates looked like a mess. No one really wanted any of them. Marte had a suspension last year, but even he was kind of, “Well, he’s ranked here, so I guess I’ll take him.” Polanco, though? You didn’t even want him around pick 150 overall! It was a “Hmm…Take a boring MI or Polanco” pick. And a lot of you took Ian Kinsler instead! Yesterday, Gregory Polanco went 2-for-5 with two more homers, and is now up to 5 homers, and, as Anime Grey said in the first Buy, Sell, Hold video, Polanco is still a buy. Polanco is orange-flavored water in a silver pouch, the ultimate Capri Sun. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Franchy Cordero went 1-for-4 with his first homer as he was called up and hit leadoff. Franchy! Franchy! Franchy! Holy almond tart, no Franchy pan for me! I won’t pan Franchy’s tools, I won’t suffer any fools, I want Franchy, man, pardon my drools. Franchy is the kind of player you watch and you’re like, “Can I own him in every league on the basis of his sprint speed?” By the way, Franchy has crazy sprint speed yet wasn’t able to make it out there for the brawl — hand on chin emoji. Franchy seems like the kind of guy that will be better in fantasy than in real life. Think about the outfield version of Tim Anderson. I grabbed him in a few leagues to see what happens. Remember, Franchy Cordero marries the best of French and Ranch dressing which is, um, I dunno, do I look like a senior citizen or a sorority girl? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You ever see something and you still don’t believe it? You distrust your own eyes. Well, I just saw a video of this, and I still don’t believe it: Mookie Betts bowls better than he hits. And he hits pretty damn good! He rolled a perfect game yesterday vs. the Yankees (4-for-4, 5 runs, 4 RBIs, and his 2nd homer), but he also rolled a perfect game in the World Series of Bowling last November. On Shabbos, no less! Half of me is expecting someone to point out that it was this other cat, Mookie Betts from Virginia, who is a white guy who looks like Ed Kemper. (By the way, you kinda know Ed Kemper reads Razzball. You just know this.) So, out of habit, does Mookie spray his baseball cleats? Does he ever beat out an infield single and want to sweep out his right heel like he just threw a bowling ball? Between innings, does he play arcade games? How is Mookie Betts a world class bowler and not Matt Albers?! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, it was a good day (freaking brothers every way like M.J.) to be an ace. Corey Kluber went 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 13 Ks, ERA at 1.57, pitching against the Tigers. One of the best, if not the best, pitchers goes against one of the worst, if not the worst, hitting teams, and you have a masterpiece by the pitcher. Just be clause. Qualifying, that is. To not be outdone, Max Scherzer went 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 0 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 0.90, and stole his first base. Take that, Ohtani! Scherzer has 80 grade speed if he’s in a DeLorean and wants to go back to 1955. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?