Since the season started, us fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) have been listening for one distinctive sound. The sound of TSSST. The sound of TSSST is not a snake with a lisp. That would be pfft. No, no, the sound of TSSST is the sound of a Coors being opened in the summer. A soft sizzle sound. Yesterday, we heard our first TSSST of Coors. Pitchers pitchslapping pitchers; hitters hitting bloop singles because everyone needs to defend against the double; ten lords of leaping onto home plate for both teams. This is why I keep saying buy David Dahl (4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer); buy Trevor Story (4-for-6, 3 runs); buy Daniel Murphy (3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs); by Ryan McMahon (3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer) is hopefully Brendan Rodgers (0-for-1). If baseball is bizzonkers for home runs this year, and it is, can you imagine what Coors is going to be like? Every visitor is going to have a great day, whether it’s Christian Walker (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer) or Eduardo Escobar (2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer) like yesterday. Though, I still wish The Grand Cronyon was in the lineup hitting them to Boulder! (By the way, seeing a box score with Walker and McMahon both having HRs as a multiple owner of Cron/Rodgers is like seeing a picture of two guys high-fiving while treating a loved one like a Chinese finger trap.) More on Kevin Cron in this afternoon’s Buy column because my favorite movie is Die Hard With Old Habits. Speaking of buys (can you believe the smoothness of these segues?), buy all hitters in Coors. Not even Daniel Murphy, but especially Daniel Murphy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Carlos Correa hit the IL with a fractured rib, and will be out three to four weeks. He suffered the injury from a massage. Kinda makes you respect Bob Kraft more. Correa, “That isn’t the bone I want yanked!” Masseuse, “That is called The Bulgarian Tickler.” You’d think a Correa’n could handle an Oriental massage. Or maybe we should be asking which Cardinals exec was working undercover as a masseuse? This is why I just sit in a Brookstone chair for 45 minutes or until a store employee asks me to leave. When Correa is picked 120-ish in 2020, he’s gonna be a bargain! The Astros said to replace Correa and the already injured, Aledmys Diaz, they will go with Jack Mayfield and Myles Straw. More like Jack Junefield! Amiright?! I need a nap. *shuts eyes for five seconds, claps hands* I’m back! Mayfield’s tearing shizz up in the minors (10 HRs, .938 OPS), but the Prospectonator is meh on him. As for Myles Straw, aka the Straw that stirs the Myles, looks like he has blazing speed and might hit .220 with no playing time. As a dolphin might sing at karoake, “STRAW! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!” Now bring up Kyle Tucker aka Crush Hour! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The last time anything this exciting came from a Reds’ DD was Kevin Mitchell in 1994 when demonstrating his barehanded catch on Morganna. Yesterday, Derek Dietrich went 3-for-4, 6 RBIs with his 15th, 16th and 17th homers. To add insult to injury, it came against the Pirates, who earlier this year he homered off of, which sparked a benches-clearing brawl because of how he was lallygagging around the bases. For yesterday’s home runs, Dietrich would not be outdone. For his first home run, he tagged Ric Flair and had him WOOOOOOOO around the bases. A totally legal maneuver, says in the rulebook. For his 2nd homer, he stood on the shoulders of a bear on roller skates and skated around the bases. Then, not to be topped, for his third home run, the PA announcer played porn music and Dietrich stopped at every base and mimed sexual acts with the Pirates infielders. So disrespectful to the game! Ex-Marlin Dietrich has 17 homers, the entire Marlins team has 36 homers. *lays on the floor, rolls around, laughing* If only there was an acronym for that. If you drafted Dietrich, Bellinger and Yelich (a totally reasonable possibility), please drop by the comments so I can bathe in your glow. As for Dietrich, reminds me of Scooter’s breakout a few years ago. Not sure if Dietrich gets to 30+ homers–Excuse me, I should say I’m not sure if he gets to 30 homers by the All-Star break. Speaking of which, vote Derek Dietrich for the All-Star Game so he can do a three-day home trot. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I hope everyone’s Memorial Day was filled with hot dogs, hamburgers, fireworks that were meant to be saved until July 4th but were blown off yesterday so close to your ear that you still have a ringing, and all the other red-white-blue American things one hears backstage at a Larry The Cable Guy concert. My Memorial Day was filled with eating and burping and farting and wearing an American flag t-shirt, but that’s every Monday. Eat a D, ISIS! Yesterday, Gerrit Cole loved the troops more than most starters, posting a line of 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Woke SpongeBob, “Yo, dem high-ranked starters are da bomb dot org.” Yo, WSB, you don’t sound so woke. “Go f–k yourself.” Wow, WSB, is lit! Cole’s peripherals: 14.1 K/9, 2.3 BB/9, 2.22 xFIP and is technically the number one starter in all of baseball if his luck was neutral. Don’t love trading for a top starter, but it’s hard to find a better buy low right now, due to his ERA. He could rattle off 120 innings of a sub-1 ERA. That’s Murica thru & thru. Not spelling shizz out is Murica too. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I love this Brendan Rodgers guy! Woo-hoo, Cavan Biggio (3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer)! How about that Kevin Cron?! Can I fit Yordan Alvarez on my team? I need some of that good shizz! What’s Kyle Tucker doing on my opponent’s team? Nuh-uh-uh, I just traded Scherzer for him! What’s your thoughts on Oscar Mercado? Because I just dropped Trout for him! Rookie call-up after call-up is, uh, called up. Rooks flashing before your eyes. You grab every one of them because you need that sweet taste of upside. “Due to a water ski accident, I can only taste tart and upside.” That’s you talking to your mouse hand as you pick up rookies. Lourdes Gurriel Jr. is promoted, and… *hand to ear, listening*….what’s the absence of sound? I can hear thoughts in my head wondering why parts of the ear are all former wrestlers…The Hammer, The Anvil, The Body…. Then Lourdes Gurriel Jr. hits a home run on Friday, another on Saturday and goes 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs on Sunday with his third homer in three games. So, are you interested now in Lourdes Gurriel Jr.? You think about it, then, “What do you think of Mitch Keller? Better than Ryu?” Grab that Gurriel! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
With the time when prospects are called up fast approaching, it’s appropriate for us to take this time to walk past the fallen rookies of the past. Sorta like the Rites of Passage walk on Survivor when they burn all of the Survivors’ belongings that didn’t make it to the end. When I write it out, it sounds like something Germany did in the 1940s. Any the hoo! I’m feeling nostalgic as we look ahead to some young players. So, here’s what I wrote about what Keith Law wrote back a few years, “Here we have the number one pick in the 2008 MLB draft, Tim Beckham. Actual Keith Law quote, ‘(Beckham has) the best chance of anybody in this draft pool to be a superstar.’ Good stuff, Keith, thank you. Next up, Jesus Montero and Zach McAllister. Actual Keith Law quote from a chatscript: Question, ‘Could Montero be an All-Star level 1B?’ Answer from Law, ‘Yes.’ So succinct, have to love that when you’re right. Question, ‘How do you project McAllister?’ Law answer, ‘At least a #3.’ At least! Hashtag nailed it. These are fun, let’s do more! Another question posed to him, ‘I’ve heard contrasting things about Dustin Ackley’s power. Based on what you’ve seen what is Ackley’s ceiling in terms of HR/year?’ Keith, or Klaw as he calls himself, said, ‘I could see 20-25. I’d say Ackley’s chance for 30 HR power is 20%.’ Okay, one more (though I could do this all day) actual Keith Law quote, and this one is classic because he name drops his alma mater. In 2009, someone asked him, ‘Shouldn’t Teheran be higher on (Law’s prospect) list than Jeff Locke?’ Keith said, ‘Are you asking me or telling me? When I first got to Harvard, there was this variety show that some upperclassmen put on during freshman week, and one guy had a funny routine about ‘flexers’ — students who would ask bogus questions that were really designed to state opinions or try to show off knowledge. (Grey comment, “Sounds like a riot!”) Obviously, the answer is ‘no,’ since I ranked Locke over Teheran. It’s incredibly naive to ignore probability when ranking prospects.’ I do enjoy a pompous ass. I wonder if he has a post.harvard.edu email address. Of course, he does! His email is likely [email protected]” And that’s me savoring in the deliciousness of Keith Law’s perception and humbleness! This brings us to Tyler White and Yuli Gurriel–Wait, no it doesn’t. It brings me to Yordan Alvarez and Kyle Tucker, the guys we’re hoping replace White and Yuli. By the way, Yuli’s impersonation of a white man’s eyes — not cool. Why do we care so much about Yordan and Tucker? I mean, I even put them in the video at the top of this page. We care because their Triple-A numbers are on par with Vladimir Guerrero Jr.’s. Yordan and Tucker are flat-out raking. Yordan has been otherworldy; Tucker is on the 40-man roster and been other otherworldly for the last month. Both guys should be up very soon and owned in all leagues until they’re either promoted, untenable to hold, stop hitting in the minors or are traded for Jeff Locke. Don’t make me do my funny routine about flexers. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Cavan Biggio will be promoted today to join Vladimir Guerrero Jr. Soon, Bichette will join Guerrero and Biggio and the Jays’ master plan to reunite the 2005 All-Star Game in the luxury boxes will be complete. “How’s Darin Erstad Jr. look?” “More like Darin Ersatz!” “I don’t get it.” “Ersatz means an inferior substitute.” “Is that some thinking man’s humor? I don’t like that.” That was overheard in the Jays’ front office. Here’s what Prospect Mike said about Biggio this preseason, “At 23, Biggio had a solid 2018 campaign at Double-A. He hit .252 with 26 homers, 20 steals, and a walk rate of nearly 18%. He has the pedigree and patience to make it in the pros and the power to hit 20-25 homers, but he also strikes out a lot and I’m not sure what position he’ll end up at. This could mean he ultimately finds a role as a super-utility type like a Swiss Army knife. Speaking of which, anyone know where Grey is, I want to harvest his liver.” Okay, what now? This year, Biggio cut down on his Ks, and held his walks, hitting .306 in Triple-A, while adding in his usual mix of power and speed. I imagine he takes over for Sogard and hits leadoff. Sogard? So long! I added Biggio everywhere I could because I have a sickness for upside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Orioles are on pace to give up 1,776 home runs, because they’re close to our nation’s capital, and that is a great figure, a historic number. A cannot be imitated — help me out here, Captain Lou Albano — never duplicated number. Scratch that, they’re now on pace to give up 1777 home runs because of the Battle of the Assunpink Creek. That was also the title of the Pink concert when her stretch pants were a little too skimpy in the back. “I see your Assupink Creek 2017.” Great show, the aerobatics alone. So, I try to avoid making every lede about hitters in Coors or facing the Orioles, but here goes, because Gleyber Torres has 14 homers against the O’s in five games and 12 homers on the year. There’s math involved in that number. He went 2-for-5 with his 11th and 12th homers. Next up, literally, Brett Gardner (3-for-4, 1 run) hit more doubles than the sketchy guy at the craps table who kept betting the horn and looking over his shoulder. DJ LeMahieu (2-for-4, 2 RBIs, HR) was on the ones and twos, but mostly on the ones, since he hit leadoff and his 4th homer. Gary Sanchez (2-for-4) hit his 15th long ball and don’t mention hitting balls around Gary, he crosses his legs. Then there’s Thairo (2-for-4, 2 RBIs, HR), who should be on the Iron Throne, but that’s a hot internet take, and I’m here for cold ones, but he even has three homers because Our Commissioner Manfred sticks Capri Sun straws into balls and juices them up. If you learn nothing else from this post, and you might not, stream all hitters vs. the Orioles. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m like Neo dodging bullets, only instead of bullets, it’s bad pitchers. Bends in slo-mo and avoids Ed-Rod, twists to the right and avoids Trevor Bauer, twists left and sees Jalen Beeks…Well, I’d never own him, so…Then again, he has been pretty good as the Malcolm for the Rays. Ya know, their Middle man. Oh, crap, I’ve been shot! *dies in slo-mo* Beeeeeeeeeeks! *clutches chest, searches for bullet wound, can’t find it* I thought I was shot. Oh, noooooooo!!! It’s worse than I thought! It was my fantasy team that was shot! You could’ve avoided this whole megillah for the last, oh, I don’t know, 12 years, minus two random years in the middle (not Malcolm) if you just owned Justin Verlander. Yesterday, he took a no-hitter into the 7th inning, and went 8 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.24, and on our Player Rater, he is the number one starter. Barely as good as Tim Anderson, but, ya know, those are noogs for another day. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
To the Muppet Show theme song, “It’s time to face the music! It’s time to say Asdrubal Cabrera is all right! It’s time to meet the Rangers on the Rangers show tonight!” Asdrubal Cabrera went 2-for-4 and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .222. Guess you can say that was an Asdouble homer night! Give me some skin up in the air! No? Okay. Asdrubal went cold the past three weeks after having a hot two weeks prior, and it sounds like I’m writing his autobiography. So, finally he said to his 4th grade gym teacher, “I will be someone one day,” and that teacher was Hunter Pence, who also hit a home run, his 9th as he hits .307. Pence aka The Gangly Manbird aka the Zombino aka the inflatable wavy guy outside of a used car lot has six homers in the past 11 games. He sure doesn’t stink, but you know who does? Rougned Odor (1-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .169) hit his 7th homer. Odor…Odor…Odor…Odor…*my back is pressed against a giant gym sock*…Odor! Seriously, you know when 25 homers is not feasible? When it comes with a .170 average. Pick up the pace, Odor, you odorous piece of pond scum! All of this offense was plenty for Mike Minor (6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.51). Nope, he’s not pitching as well as his ERA indicates, but at a certain point you have to say to yourself, “Do I want some flashy FIP, which I don’t even fully understand, or do I want to win my league?” But those runs were only barely enough for Clocks singer, Chris Martin (1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.66). Bring back the South African dictator, Leclerc, which I say quietly to myself, so no one gets the wrong impression. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?