Wanna quote myself for my biggest mention of Colton Cowser (1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .441) this past preseason. I drafted a 15-team mixed league team in November, and took as my 5th outfielder, Colton Cowser, saying in my recap, “I reached a little on Colton Cowser, but I do like him, if the Orioles make a trade of Santander, Mountcastle, or someone else. Cowser was prolly my worst pick.” And that’s me quoting me with just utter stupidity! I am howling at how dumb I am. Honestly, none of this works if I don’t hold myself accountable. Did I like Cowser? Loved him! Did I think he’d be a starter in that outfield? Absolutely not. I put Cowser in the top 100 overall last midseason. I told you last year repeatedly how much I loved Cowser. I said:
Colton Cowser sounds like one of those goofily-named foods that the Brits send over here.
“Would you like a Peek Frean?”
“No, they are too serious for me.”
“Would you like a Curly Wurly?”
“No, my good, sir. I cannot have a Curly Wurly, they are too disruptive on my tum-tum.”
“I see, I see, how about a Colton Cowser?”
“Are those the lavender-scented candies?”
“No, they’re striking out too much since their return from the MiLB IL, and Aaron Hicks is hitting too much. There’s no room for Colton Cowser in the Orioles’ lineup.”
“Really?”
“I kid! Of course, I want a Colton Cowser! I love those lavender-scented hard candies, and Cowser has big power, speed and should hit for a good average. Cowser just received a Dan Pants lede — his Colton Cowser fantasy — and I hate doubling up, but I’m an all-day sucker for Colton Cowser. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Corbin Burnes – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.28. If you’re sleeping well as an owner of Burnes, you’re taking Ambien or not paying attention.
Ryan O’Hearn – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Not saying he’s good, but sitting in the middle of the O’s lineup and O’Hearn is available everywhere in mixed leagues.
Christian Yelich – Sounds headed to the IL. Yelich looks like Pete Davidson, and his back has the timing of Pete Best. Joey Wiemer (0-for-3) was recalled from the minors, and he’s nothing more than an NL-Only guy. Blake Perkins (3-for-4, 2 runs and 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games) should be the one getting more at-bats.
Colin Rea – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Brewers’ #2 starter is Colin Rea. Emoji forcing a smile as it burps.
William Contreras – 2-for-4 and a slam (4) and legs (1), hitting .375. He was the best catcher in baseball last year, then was drafted after at least three or four catchers. Will it happen again next year if he repeats?
Spencer Strider – Underwent season-ending elbow surgery. You lied to me Matthew Wilder! You said nothing would break-a my Strider! So, he underwent an internal brace procedure rather than Tommy John so A) He should return quicker next year. B) Tommy John does not get a nickel for lending his name to the surgery. C) There’s no C.
Charlie Morton – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.29 vs. Jesus Luzardo – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.65. This matchup was billed as, “Why didn’t I bench both of these schmohawks?”
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .373. Free in drafts.
Bryan De La Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .284. De La Snooze with a wake-up call!
Max Meyer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.12. This start was vs. the Braves, so that’s got my percolator percolating. Meyer’s no lemon? Tell me more! He’s showing excellent command (1.6 BB/9) and solid enough Ks. His whiffs on Saturday were excellent. I’m going straight from intrigued to grabbing until further notice.
Tanner Scott – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.70 and his 1st blown save, record moves to 0-3. Out of all the current closers, Tanner seems the least suited for the job. Terrible control, throws lefty, just nothing, straight useless. Marlins also don’t really have a solid setup man to replace him.
Nick Gordon – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Nick Gordon on pace for 32 homers, or the same as Aaron Judge (1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, and 3rd homer).
Yariel Rodriguez – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was recalled from the minors. Peering under the sea and I catch a glimpse of a Cuban raftee, Yariel, a major league pitcher on top, wearing a Blue Jays jersey, and a six-foot-long flipper on his bottom. Yariel, you gorgeous Merman. He seems like a pen arm the Jays are trying to get a starter out of. His last few years in Japan were used as a reliever, but he might be better as a starter than Bowden Francis, who was moved to the pen. Yariel worked a 96 MPH fastball, a nasty slider and what looked like an over-the-top 85 MPH curve that was better than advertised. In most mixed leagues, I’m cyclops’ing until he’s stretched out, but might have value beyond Streamonator, i.e., I liked what I saw by the seashore for Yariel, the Merman.
Jose Berrios – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.05. Thank you, War Room!
Nick Lodolo – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 10 Ks as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “You know those magic markers that smell like fruit? What happens if you eat one?”
Graham Ashcraft – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Think I’m just going to stream pitchers vs. the White Sux.
Christian Encarnacion-Strand – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .185. If you’re not trying to acquire a guy who is hitting third every game with 70-grade power in Cincy for his home games, I don’t know what to tell you.
Jonathan India – 0-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI as the Reds scored 11. Ticker tease!
Jake Fraley – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 steals (2, 3, 4), hitting .424. F’really, Fraley?
Garrett Crochet – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.57. Darn Crochet!
Nick Nastrini – Will be called up to start tonight. He has a 7.71 ERA and 2.14 WHIP in Triple-A. Oh, he’s gonna fit in real nicely with the White Sox.
Sean Manaea – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.30. The Regression Fairies have extra zippers on their pants for show and they will destroy your ratios!
Jose Butto – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.75. I almost made him the lede today, but I just couldn’t dedicate 400 words to Joe Butt to end at: Streamonator.
Alec Marsh – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.32. Since this is a safe space, I’m gonna be honest. I’m glad some of these pitchers, who were pitching above their head, are falling to earth. Sorry, but at the end of the day, I am a hater.
Cole Ragans – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.93. But I can’t hate him into not being good OR CAN I…[pinches temples, squints real hard, farts and falls over]
Vinnie Pasquantino – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Vinnie Pasketti going into the home of the obnoxious Italian guy, Queens, and getting loud. Not cool, Vinnie.
Trea Turner – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Did they applaud him before the at-bat? Treat Urner only responds to positive affirmation.
Zack Wheeler – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Any time a pitcher who is drafted before the top 30 is hit hard, I let out a long ‘yeah, boi,’ and those are going to be few and far between now that there’s only, like, two starters left still pitching who were drafted early. All my vitriol left for Wheeler and Burnes.
Mitch Keller – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Gotta admit I’m not sure why you worry about my preseason rankings when you drop guys after two starts.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1). Must’ve been throwback day.
Jack Suwinski – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He knocked a granny off Wheeler, which sounds like a commercial for Life Alert.
Shota Imanaga – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.00000000000000. Sleep with one eye open, Orel Hershiser.
Javier Assad – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.16. Don’t fully believe in him yet, and Streamonator hates his next one, but I could see giving him a whirl.
Michael Busch – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Maybe he’s just a hot schmotato, but sometimes “hot in April” turns into “great for the whole season.”
Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.82. Get your fingers in, I’m about to shut the Buy Low window.
Ryne Nelson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.27. I have a big ol’ monocle on this guy, but for now Streamonator.
Kenta Maeda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.00. Sonavabench! His velocity was still dogshizz, but slightly better than past weeks. His next matchup is tougher, so let’s hope he keeps it going.
Javier Baez – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Caleb Thielbar allowed the homer to Baez, which means he has to now retire. Shame, but rules are rules.
Carlos Correa – Hit the IL with an oblique injury. Twins need to trade for Eloy. He’d fit in so well with their team.
Simeon Woods Richardson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks in his 1st start, due to the doubleheader, then was sent back down. SWR will be back, and I’d stash him now in deeper leagues.
Joe Ryan – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.60. I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade, because I love Joe Ryan, but he was a top five starter last year’s 1st half.
Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.57. BO stopped stinking, news at 11!
Griffin Jax – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.35, and the blown save. You use Jax in every gee-dee inning it’s no wonder he can’t focus on freakin’ closing!
Triston McKenzie – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.23. Just had a thought, if he were on Survivor, he could start a fire by rubbing his knees together. But he doesn’t need to do that on the mound, because he’s already cooked.
Nestor Cortes – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.50. Nestor did a fake-out pitch yesterday where he pretended to be throwing the ball, and it’s just so stupid I love it:
NEW NESTOR CORTES MOVE UNLOCKED! pic.twitter.com/d90G8iQwAC
— MLB (@MLB) April 14, 2024
Ryan Pepiot – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.40. Buy low, snitches! For those of you who have him, uh, hold low, snitches?
Rene Pinto – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Pinto is straight jackin’ for beans!
Isaac Paredes – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Shame no one told you to draft him. Oh, wait, I did. Okay.
Michael Conforto – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Conforto keeping the schmotato going strong!
Blake Snell – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 12.86. Snell-oh-ell.
MacKenzie Gore – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.81. [hearing the music for the Blue Oyster Bar] The A’ss got Gore’d! So, I won’t mention I wrote a MacKenzie Gore sleeper post this year, because this was vs. the A’ss.
Lane Thomas – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (7). There’s people who drafted him, and dropped him within a week because he didn’t start hot enough.
Cody Bradford – Hit the IL with back soreness. Michael Lorenzen will take Bradford’s rotation spot, and if he’s good, Bradford’s getting Pipp’d.
Evan Carter – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Anyone see Wyatt Langford recently?
Ronel Blanco – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.86. No one can solve a problem called Ronel.
Cristian Javier – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.54. All the complaints I made about Jose Berrios last year? Aim them at Javier.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, and a double slam (4, 5) and legs (1). Short kings inherit the earth (and lower the regulation basketball rim).
Nolan Schanuel – Out with a testicular contusion. [takes out the doctor’s chart for testicular contusion, torsion and ruptured, which is a plum with varying shades of red]
Brandon Drury – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Without doing any actual research, Drury is the type to hit one homer then get hot for a week.
Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer. If I were Rob Manfred, and I saw all these pitcher injuries, I’d lean in and unleash the bouncy baseballs. In related news, Triston Casas (1-for-2) hit his 4th homer and Masataka Yoshida (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st.
Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Was way too cheap in drafts. Shame on you (me too, but mostly you).
James Paxton – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (8 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 2.81. Paxton giving up eight walks to one strikeout is so dogshizzy it’s funny. Watched this game on ESPN and they basically talk about everything but the game. Had no idea Paxton was even pitching poorly.
Gavin Stone – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.14. Funny that people move forward in their seat and are like, “Tell me more about Gavin Stone,” but his Saturday opponent, Matt Waldron (5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.14) was and has been better vs. a tougher lineup.
Bobby Miller – Hit the IL with shoulder soreness. The year is 2033. There’s one pitcher in all of baseball. It’s Bartolo Colon, and he’s 60 years old and he throws 60 MPH. Colon is powered by Campfire Milkshakes, that are now served at every ballpark to distract people from the product on the field.