Yesterday, Jonatan Clase (1-for-4, 1 RBI) was called up by the M’s with Canzone hitting the IL. Jonatan’s name cracks me up. Imaging the nurse filling out the birth certificate, “Jonathan with an H?” “Honatan? No. What are we, stupid?” So, Jonatan has lightning-fast speed. He just ran into your room, moved your inkwell and quill from one side of your desk to the other without you even knowing. That’s how fast he is! He’s so fast…Audience screams, “How fast is he?”…he’s so fast that he ran from home plate to first and the earth spun back a minute. Dude is very fast. He had 79 steals last year in the minors. Okay, allow me to ZOINKS! Oh, he also hit 20 homers! Yo, hold up! Who is this guy, Ronald Acuña Jr. Jr.? The Prospectonator (projections for every prospect) even loves him! Though, Clase also seems likely to hit .190. I grabbed him in every league just in Clase he sticks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jorge Polanco – 1-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in two games. Looks like he’s heating up. Oh, wait, he’s hitting .203. Oh, Wait, Part II: Still Waiting: Julio Rodriguez is hitting .190.
Mitch Haniger – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and has a hit in every game but two of April. Mitch don’t kill my vibe!
George Kirby – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.64. Hey, look at that, he threw all strikes, but not all meatballs.
Jake Fraley – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .432. Jonathan India is special. He’s the only Reds hitter to ever be disappointing to roster.
Frankie Montas – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.32. Feels like when you start a guy just because he has a two-start week, you’re forced to pay an untold price. The toll of the two-start pitcher.
Wilyer Abreu – 0-for-2. Alex Cora said Abreu will play vs. all righties, because the Sawx lineup is hilariously slanted towards lefties. Do they even have any normal scissors in that clubhouse since Chris Sale left? I like Abreu; he had 24/11/.300-ish last year in Triple-A and majors combined. This moves Ceddane Rafaela (0-for-3, hitting .160) to shortstop and Hamilton to the bench, i.e., Hamilton did waste his shot.
Tyler O’Neill – Needed eight stitches after colliding with Rafael Devers. If Mr. Magoo were 220 pounds of muscle, that would be O’Neill. About to start calling him Tyler O’Magoo. Dude plays at 140% and seems almost certainly to hurt himself at some point. It’s like, chill out, and just hit dongs.
Kutter Crawford – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.42. He deserved run support, i.e., I deserved him to get run support.
Gabriel Arias – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .308. Got a bit of a hot schmotato thing going.
Xzavion Curry – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks in his first start. If you played Xzavion, you’re either a witch or you thought you were playing Scrabble.
Jake Burger – Hit the IL with an oblique injury. Two all beef patties, special sauce, let us please obliques, onions, on a sesame-seed bun.
Max Meyer – Sent down to the minors to work once a week three innings at a time. I like this, adds a wrinkle into his development — can he be good even when completely mishandled?
Edward Cabrera – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks as he was activated from the IL. So, I was not expecting him to look this good. Could it be that the Giants looked bad? Yes, but like dust, EdCab looked good in a vacuum.
Kyle Harrison – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.70. He was getting squeezed a bit on inside pitches to righties, and it cost him two of those three runs. He still didn’t look dominating or anything. Reminds me of Bello. Stuff is there, but results just aren’t.
Ryan O’Hearn – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Cedric Mullins – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Okay, the O’s are just hot. Gunnar Henderson (2-for-4 and his 4th homer) too. And Jordan Westburg (3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs). Well, not Jackson Holliday(0-for-4).
Jose Miranda – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Gonna read you your Miranda rights. You have to right to cyclops.
Reese Olson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Decided I liked his stuff, held tight and was rewarded. This is the first time that’s ever happened.
Michael Lorenzen – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks in his 1st start. What if it wasn’t Cody Bradford but just the Rangers’ 5th starter job? Emoji scratching its chin wearing a tin foil hat.
Kirby Yates – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00 and his 1st save. Leclerc worked the 6th and 7th, Robertson worked the 8th and Yates is your new Rangers’ closer. Been a while since Kirby has been a closer, but it’s The Second Coming by Yates.
Mike Trout – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .290. Ain’t trying to rain on anyone’s parade, but at some point you’re going to hear Trout’s day-to-day, then he’s gonna be out for two months.
Taylor Ward – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .313. I told you he was a sleeper! *dodges a tomato* Okay, last year! But still! *tomato connects to side of head* Ouch!
Zach Eflin – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.63. Good pitchers pitching well, what a treat!
Harold Ramirez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. I did notice Hittertron liked H-Ram yesterday and I picked up Clase, because I need steals. Cool story, bro!
Jackson Chourio – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (3), hitting .259. Well, at least one rookie phenom paid off.
Joe Ross – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.91. Was kicking myself for not picking up Ross after his last start. Luckily, I didn’t pick him up or I would’ve been kicking myself in the testicular contusions.
Luis Gil – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (7 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.15. He’s one of those pitchers who can strike out anyone because the hitter has no idea where it’s going. Sadly, neither does he.
Martin Perez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.55 vs. Adrian Houser – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.70. This matchup was billed as, “I almost Streamonator‘d both of these guys, and I’m not sure if I regret not doing it or not.”
Adam Ottavino – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.57, and a vulture win. This is only amusing to me, but: ‘Member that NL-Only league where I punted starters and only drafted relievers? Currently, tied for third in wins with nine points. Ha, wins are so stupid.
Esteury Ruiz – 1-for-1 and his 1st homer, as he was recalled and didn’t start. Naturally, the A’s have too many weapons.
Josh Hader – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 9.39. Kazaam!
Landon Knack – Could be called up to take Bobby Miller’s rotation spot for a few turns. Knack’s best left to streaming and my my my my my Sharona.
Tyler Glasnow – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.72. Not saying he’s bad, but do you see how fickle top pitching is? If a hitter goes 0-15, it’s whatever. A pitcher has one bad outing and their ERA now looks like a number four starter.
Luis Garcia – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Can’t even convince myself fully that it matters this early, but his Statcast page is pretty.
CJ Abrams – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Please let Aaron Judge out-homer Corange Juice Abrams.
Alexander Canario – 0-for-0 as he was called up by the Cubs with Seiya hitting the IL with an oblique strain. Canario didn’t start, because Tauchman has naked pictures of every MLB manager ever, and can blackmail anyone. Itch said back in 2022, “The timing (of an ankle and shoulder injury) is a little demoralizing because Canario broke out in 2022, slugging 37 home runs in 125 games across three levels. Like Mervis, he improved his plate skills every step of the way, reducing his strikeout rate from 35 percent in High-A to 25 percent in Triple-A and bumping his walk rate from 10 percent to 15.5 percent in the process. 15.5 percent is also how much time I spend dreaming of punching Grey, the other time kicking.” C’mon, man! Canario being compared there to Mervis is kinda funny. What do the Cubs do to these prospects that are supposed to be good? At this point, Canario seems like an NL-Only guy.
Michael Busch – 1-for-3 and his 5th straight game with a homer, and a home run every game of this season. Dale Long’s family better sleep with one eye open. I was about ten minutes late last Friday from picking up Busch, just missing out to Laura, and that will haunt me every single day.
Ben Brown – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.41. Aside from his super random middle relief appearance when he was first promoted, Brown’s been excellent — 14 2/3 IP, 2 ER and 14 Ks vs. 4 walks. Even the Streamonator likes his next start.
Aaron Nola – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.47. You, the person who drafted Nola, don’t realize this, but he’s really a very high-end streamer. Against the Rockies? Yeah, he’s an ace. Against the Braves? He’s garbage.
Michael Toglia – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Wonder what someone needs to do to get in Bud Black’s good graces and move up the lineup. We know what someone needs to do to move down: Nolan Jones (0-for-3, hitting .182) hitting 5th now.
Seth Lugo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.05. He’s becoming Chris Bassitt right in front of our eyes.
Salvador Perez – Dealing with a strained groin, i.e., Sal P. hurt his P. Dude is such a beast he may not even go to the IL. Actually, if being less kind, he seems like the type who might do well to take a few more days off.
Vinnie Pasquantino – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer and 3rd homer in like the last ten minutes. Pasketti is on the hottest Italian streak since Mussolini hung from a light post by his genitals.
Tommy Pham – Signed with the White Sox. The White Sox will continue to suck, but their team fantasy football league just got very competitive.
Nick Nastrini – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was called up. Okay, c’mon. This is so obvious to what’s going on. Look at this guy!
First, the White Sox introduced the Campfire Milkshakes to distract from the product on the field. Now they’re throwing out eye candy in an elaborate plot so you don’t see their 5-hole hitter is Korey Lee. Nick Nastrini isn’t a pitcher, he’s a Ford model! C’mon, with this BS! We see through it!
