It had been so long since I drafted Zack Wheeler (7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 11 Ks, ERA at 4.85) in multiple leagues, and, after so many subpar efforts, I was beginning to forget why I drafted him as my number two.  Was a number two a harbinger of things to come, I asked myself while sitting on the toilet.  His control in previous starts left something to be desired, which is the understatement of the year after:  Christian Yelich’s poster is on just a few ceilings in Milwaukee of couples who are trying to have a baby.  And the guys are the ones looking up.  Yesterday, Wheeler pinged up on my iCal, reminding me why I wanted to own him.  If you weren’t able to see him or the highlights, he is the first pitcher to throw 100 MPH and pitchslap the opposing pitcher, Zach Eflin (4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.15) with a 100+ MPH exit velocity.  “I’d like to report a Zack on Zach crime.”  911 Operator, “Is it a H or K on the first Zack?”  “Get down here!”  If Wheeler pitches like he did yesterday, he’s not a number two.  Dot dot dot.  He’s a number one!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

*wavy lines indicating a dream sequence*  It’s the winter of 2019.  And I’m wearing pants.  Okay, that’s not realistic, but it’s a dream sequence, so I’m going to go with it!  Crap, I have to do my rankings.  Quick, rank Gregory Polanco in the top 40 outfielders overall, because you like how he hit more fly balls last year than previous years and think 23 homers is repeatable with maybe more.  Also, he’s got some 10-15 steal-speed!  But, since this is a very realistic dream other than the whole pants thing, someone, who you can’t remember now, told you Polanco won’t be back until June.  Better check the news reports, even though that’s rather boring for a dream sequence.  Yup, Polanco’s not due back until June.  Frantically, by any man’s measure but calmly by yours, move Polanco all the way down so you’ll never draft him.  Now fall into a kiddie pool so you wake to think you had a wet dream.  *wavy lines*  Whoa, that dream was crazy in its mundaneness!   So, here we are on April 23rd and Grey doesn’t freakin’ own Polanco because reports in March were saying he wouldn’t be back until a much later date.  *bites stress doll’s head off*  I’m good.  Thanks.  Yes, I would own Polanco in every league; he can be a top 40 outfielder.  Yesterday, he went 2-for-4, 2 runs, which was better than Jesus Aguilar’s entire season.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If you said you loved Kevin Kline in the role of Cole Tucker, you wouldn’t be wrong.  What can’t Kevin Kline do?  Yo, Kevin Kline, wanna be my father?  “Sir, this is a Cheesecake Factory and that’s James, our short-order cook, not Kevin Kline.”  I’m crazy for rookie bats.  As crazy as I am for rookie bats, I’m tepid on rookie arms.  I don’t dislike them, but roofies are real and dangerous.  Rookie bats, however…*places nose right above a stick of butter, inhales deeply*  So, the Pirates called up Cole Tucker.  He’s the sexiest Pittsburgh shortstop since….uh Jack Wilson wasn’t very sexy…uh…Jordy Mercer God no…Erik Gonzalez bleh…Arky Vaughan!  Arky took no crap, quitting for three years at one point because he got sore at Leo Durocher for talking to the press about a teammate.  And Arky still made the Hall of Fame!  Of course, he had to wait 33 years after his death.  Any hoo!  Besides Cole Tucker sounding like he wears Vineyard Vines, what do we know about Tucker?  He has 30-steal speed.  Love that.  Where else are we finding that?  That alone is reason to grab him in every league.  Yes, every league.  Next up, he made swing adjustments and is more a 17-homer hitter than the under-5 homer guy he showed before this year.  In 18 spring at-bats, he hit two homers.  In 57 Triple-A at-bats, he hit three homers.  In his first career at-bat with the Pirates, he homered.  For power, I’m going to start saying Triple-A is samesies with the majors.  We’ll see if my new approach pans out!  So, 17/30/.250 while also taking a walk?  I told you every league.  The Ghost of Arky Vaughan can eat a D!  (If the site suddenly goes down for three years, we know why.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The number one prerequisite for being in the Buy column is being owned in less than 50% of leagues.  Hey, we all need cut-offs, which is why I’m wearing jorts.  However, I wanted to write about Hunter Dozier so badly, I didn’t check his ownership numbers.  We’ve got a full-on Grey crush!  *turns over Trapper Keeper, looks for room between scribblings of Giancarlo and hearts*  If I had any room on my Trapper Keeper, I’d add Hunter Dozier’s name.  Exit velocity isn’t everything.  Heck, it might not be anything, especially this early, but it at least means a hitter is squarely up the ball and putting a charge into it like Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.  Some names surrounding Dozier on the Hard Hit charts:  Pete Alonso, Gary Sanchez, J.D. Martinez and Joc Pederson.  Again, small samples and all, but Dozier has averaged 430 feet on his home run.  Hit the ball hard and far?  It’s a pretty nice recipe for success.  Another thing in his favor is his walks are way up and his Ks are down.  He is profiling as a 30-homer, .280 hitter right now.  Even though his name sounds like a Cal-King mattress, don’t sleep on Dozier!  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Due to the light schedule, let’s drill down on Cody Bellinger (2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .432).  If man love bothers you, perhaps you should shield your eyes.  This could become naughty, and, yes, I need to remove my pants to write the rest of this.  Cody is 2 1/2 home runs from being halfway to last year’s homer total.  How does one hit a 1/2 of a home run?  You hit it out of the park, then pimp with a bat flip so long you get tackled rounding 2nd.  Right now, Bellinger’s HR/FB% is absurd.  He’s not even hitting that many fly balls.  It’s just everything he touches goes bim-bam-zoom to the moon.  Can that continue, you ask with your doe eyes and soft lips.  You drafted Goodrum on too many teams, because you sound drunk.  Of course, it won’t continue.  His launch angle last year, when he hit 25 homers, was 16 degrees.  This year it’s 13.  He is hitting the ball damn hard, though.  He’s third in the majors with 96 MPH average exit velocity.  I’d be shocked if he hits less than 35 homers, but I also don’t think he’s going to hit more than his career high of 39 homers, if his fly ball rate holds.  His strikeout rate has absolutely cratered, in a good way, but, of course, when a guy is hitting well, he’s not striking out.  He will go cold, turkey, and cold turkey on power at some point.  It’s early, yadda-blabbity-bloo, so don’t panic sell.  He’s now a legit top 15 bat vs. the top 40 one we thought he might be in the preseason.  Now, I will put back on my linen Tommy Bahama pants and continue.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Arodys Vizcaino is out for the year.  Backdate that to spring training when he was having arm issues.  He needed to have his labrum fixed worse than an overworked gymnast.  Filling in for him is the dumpster fire that is A.J. Minter.  I’ve got a wild idea, hey, Braves, how about you sign Craig Kimbrel with the money you robbed from Albies?  Here’s Albies agent before the signing, “Albies, sure you want to take this deal?”  Albies replied, “Why are you asking, Al B. Sure?”  Then they stared at each other for five minutes until Albies had enough and signed.  The Braves’ bullpen is such a disarray of WUT, I don’t even know who their setup man is.  I guess it’s the guy working the docks in The Wire, but it could be the guy whose name was Riddle, but, due to poor penmanship, became Biddle.  A millennial just broke down my door and said, “It’s penpersonship.”  My bad!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“After Chris Davis raved about it, I had to check it out.” said James Paxton, as he sipped maple syrup.  He continued, “It was my favorite show since the last time I saw Rush.”  The Canadian then put on moose antlers, an orange vest and grabbed his shotgun.  Before he exited the press conference, he smiled, adding, “Eh.”  So, James Paxton busted that slumped like Chris Davis before him and like every team that faces the Sawx.  Crazy when you have Mookie Betts hitting near-.200 and Benintendi out of the lineup, what a massive hole the Red Sox become, or a Mass-hole for short.  Yesterday, James Paxton went 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.91, putting to doubt some concerns that he would be eaten alive by the New York lights.  Paxton laughed, “It’s just like downtown Saskatchewan.”  All the New Yorkers grinned, Paxton was already growing a tough, sarcastic sense of humor indicative of New York, when Paxton added, “Seriously, eh, there’s nothing finer than Regina.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Christian Yelich hit his 6th homer and his…wait for it….here it comes…where’d it go…did I  leave it in the car…no, it’s right here under my ass…and his 7th homer and his…crap, this one is in the car, isn’t it…nope, under the other cheek…and his 8th homer!  Add in 7 RBIs and he’s hitting a zillion.  Can we just crown him with back-to-back MVPs and sneak him into Ariana Grande’s room already?  After he wins his 2nd straight MVP, there will still (!!!) be someone next March who is saying something like, “Grey, you are wildly handsome, but I just don’t trust Yelich.  Can you talk me into him?”  Which they will say right after I’ve written 1,200 words on Yelich.  Doode is a beast who powers the Milwakuee’s Best.  Don’t funk up my jam!  Which is what Mr. Smuckers says to his wife when she messes up his DVR recordings of The Voice.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As Ice Cube sang on the now-iconic song, It Was An Away Game, “Just waking up in the morning gotta thank God.  Today, German was away, carrying my whole squad.”  Then later on, he sings, “I felt ill after that big fat DeSclafani, pitching like he just pulled out of bed in jammies, but German killed those baserunners like every role by Allison Janney.  And my teams run deep so deep so deep I’d put your ass to sleep talking about how on one team Alex Cobb’s my number one, but I didn’t hesitate to call German Marquez my top gun.”  Imagine you were a Rockies fan who only watched home games, the team’s contract with German Marquez (9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.00) would be tré confusing.  After 100 pitches, he is so low effort throwing 97 MPH in the 9th inning, and occasionally drops in an off-the-table curve that is freaking brothers every way like M.J.  I can’t believe today German’s game was away.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’m going to share a Missed Connection posting with you that I’ve been working on; let me know if there’s anything you’d change.  “Hello, Ginger.  I saw you at a Wetzel’s Pretzels in Roosevelt Field on Saturday.  I don’t know if Ginger is your name, but your hair was the color of a carrot.  Not a carrot’s top, that’s green.  I don’t know why people say that’s orange.  You looked off the scale on the crazy/hot ratio.  Your arm freckles looked like God spilled Sunny D on you.  One blonde child turned the corner, saw you and immediately started crying.  Does any of this ring a bell?  At one point, you stepped into a sliver of sunlight and starting screaming, ‘I’m burning!’  You were wearing a New York Yankees jersey with the name Frazier on the back.  If this sounds like you, please contact me.  I need an outfielder.”  How’s that?  Do you think I could get myself a 5th outfielder with that?  So, Clint Frazier finds himself in an everyday job with the Yankees.  How long he lasts is up to Giancarlo, Hicks and Gardner’s health, but I’d own Frazier everywhere to see if he can finally tap that speed/power combo.  Speaking of which, he kinda looks like Pizza Combos.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?