Noelvi Buys His Supplements At The Kwik-E-Marte

On Friday, Noelvi Marte was suspended for 80 games for violating MLB’s PED policy that says, “Boldenone is illegal. Cortisone injections are completely legal and different than other steroids. Also, if there’s any drugs we don’t know about that help you? Yeah, those are legal too. Until we find out about them then decide to ban them or not. Also, some cough syrups, or as the kids call them, sizzurp or purple drank or ‘lean?’ Yeah, that’s gonna get you popped too. Mary Jane is, well, don’t do it *wink, wink* but we don’t test for it lol. Cocaine or meth? Again, don’t make us test for all kinds of shizz. It’s a pain in the butt. Speaking of butts, enlarging your butt with silicone until it’s 90 feet wide so you’re on 1st base and simultaneously touching 2nd base with your ass? That’s prolly illegal, but don’t make us write it into the league constitution.” Any hoo! MLB has a crystal clear PEDs policy that is never accidentally violated. This transgression by Marte helps Jonathan India and Christian Encarnacion-Strand.

The people who were drafting Christian Encarnacion-Strand before the Noelvi Marte news pic.twitter.com/zaRmzFilzK

— Razzball (@Razzball) March 8, 2024

Kicking myself that I didn’t draft CES and India more aggressively before this news. It was so clear that they were undervalued. Did someone say clear? That’s illegal too! So, I updated the top 500, 3rd basemen rankings, and top 100 overall. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Eddie Rosario – Signed with the Nats. With Winker, Gallo, Senzel and now Eddie Rosario, the Nats have shown they’re not afraid to go out and sign guys no one wants because they’re not very good. Bold strategy, Cotton. He was updated in the top 100 outfielders.

Lars Nootbaar – Dealing with rib fractures. Listen, I love me some rib tips, burnt ends, slather some sauce on a Boston butt, you name it, and Grey gets down! Rib fractures? Not my favorite. He was lowered in the top 60 outfielders. This could up Dylan Carlson’s playing time, but the more playing time Carlson gets, is it better? Ponder that, you freakin’ ponderers!

Jonny DeLuca – Sidelined four to six weeks with fractured hand. I asked Siri how it happened, and Siri said, “I was in the clubhouse.”

Devin Williams – Sidelined with a sore back and going to see a spine specialist. Oh, is that it? Ter…[wanders aimlessly towards the edge of a cliff] …rific! Brewers are saying they’re not overly concerned, as they speed-dial every other team’s front office seeing who wants to trade. So, I updated the top 100 and top 500, moving Devin down and Payamps up.

Edward Cabrera – Scratched with shoulder tightness. This is why people have moved onto Edward Uberera. Will wait for an update to see if I move him in my rankings. This opens the rotation up to A.J. Puk. Ya know, a guy who can’t stay healthy as a reliever and has never started a game in the majors.

Gavin Williams – Felt some discomfort in his elbow, but Guards are optimistic. On a related story, I read this and laughed, “Williams has had a great spring…across 4 2/3 IP.” Yeah, man, almost one start. Solid sample size.

Tommy Edman – Still feeling pain in his surgically-repaired wrist. Starting to think this is going to be a lost season for Edman. Haven’t yet moved Edman in my rankings, but also haven’t drafted him, nor would I. One guy I’m watching to see if he breaks camp to fill in for Edman is Thomas Saggese. Do the Cards only have Tommy’s to fill in for Tommy? I don’t know. Saggese went 26/12 across three levels last year as a 21-year-old, hitting .331 in Double-A with a 22.8% K%. Feels like a guy no one knows now that could be added everywhere by mid-April.

Jordan Lawlar – Sent down, which was always the expectation. They have a Geraldo for every domo.

Pete Crow-Armstrong – Sent down to start the year so the Cubs can give Mike Tauchman some time in center field. Seems that David Ross left behind some stupid that Craig Counsell got into. Top 100 outfielders updated.

Trevor Bauer – Signed with the Japanese Indy travel team, Asian Breeze. That checks out because Asian Breeze sounds like douche.

Mookie Betts – Was moved to shortstop, and Lux was moved to 2nd base because he had throwing issues.  “Oh, yeah, that’ll fix those throwing problems!” That’s Chuck Knoblauch scoffing.

Brusdar Graterol – Won’t travel with the team to South Korea, because of hip tightness and shoulder soreness. Hopeful to be ready for Opening Day stateside. Blake Treinen is also having issues this spring. Dodgers spend two-point-one billion this offseason, also Dodgers forgot they didn’t have a shortstop or setup man.

Emmet Sheehan – Will begin the season on the IL. Dodgers said it’s not a serious injury, but it’s not a fake injury either. A reporter asked, “A seriously fake injury?” Dodgers said no comment. Sheehan wasn’t moved in the top 100 starters.

Nathaniel Lowe – Diagnosed with an oblique injury. He will miss anywhere from three weeks to three years. 1st basemen rankings were updated.

Jose Barrero – Signed by the Rangers to fill in for Lowe and Corey Seager while they’re injured, so Barrero will play five to 150 games.

Zach Plesac – Was sent to the minors. Plesac said, “Hey, you cats and kittens, don’t worry about this boy-o! If the ja-cooz at the minor league hotel has a swirlie function, I’m gonna be just fine!” Then stepped into traffic, but avoided cars from his years playing Frogger.

Oswald Peraza – Out for two months with a shoulder strain. That opens the door for Yanks’ utility man, Jahmai Jones, played by Krysten Ritter. Peraza is barely on the 2nd basemen rankings, and I’ll leave him if you want to stash in deep leagues.

Yasmani Grandal – Dealing with plantar fasciitis. Damn, that’s the worst kind of Chia pet. Henry Davis looks like the Pirates’ catcher, and would slot in around Luis Campusano on the catchers rankings.

Mason Black – Frontrunner for the Giants’ 5th rotation spot. Here’s what Itch said, “It’s a two-pitch, three-quarters look from the 6’3” Black, but if his command is on point, he gets an extra pitch or two out of the fastball/slider combo because he can work both inside and out, up and down. Stealing the back-door slider strike from lefties, especially, gives him a chance against them because he can also back-foot the pitch for punch-outs in two-strike counts. Though he struggled a bit in 60.2 innings at Triple-A, Black was the club’s minor league player of the year in 2023 and should get a look pretty early in 2024. Now, if you excuse me, I’m plotting to poison Grey’s boba.” What the heck? So, Black’s promising, clearly, and added into the top 100 starters.

J.D. Davis – With signing of Matt Chapman, the Giants waved Jonathan Davis Davis bye bye. He was removed from the 1st basemen rankings.

Joey Votto – Signed with the Jays.

Things are all right in the world, they brought Joey Votto home pic.twitter.com/g1zNozDpik

— Razzball (@Razzball) March 8, 2024

Alek Manoah – Having shoulder soreness. I’d say he’s cooked, but, if he were, he’d be eating himself. He was removed from the top 100 starters.

Bowden Francis – This monkey gone to heaven! This monkey gone to heaven! This monkey–Sorry, saw Bowden Francis aka Frank Black, and I naturally rolled into the Pixies. So, will Bowden Francis Doolittle or will he be a Champagne Surfer Rosa–Wait, I’m confusing my bands, but will Francis rock or get rocked? Looks like he has great command and the lead for the Jays’ 5th starter job. He has appeared to be a Quad-A player until this spring, so I’d tread lightly, but worth the flyer crazy late. You know the Deal, Kim. Francis was added into the top 100 starters.