Sometimes, the Gods smile. Not broad, goofy grins. They’re Gods. They have chiseled chins and deep dimples, and they’re women. They look like Kirsten Dunst. Gods are multiple Kirsten Dunsts. There will not be questions about this later, so you can read and discard, like your medical chart that says your cholesterol is high. Speaking of medical charts that we can read and discard, Ronald Acuña Jr.‘s knee MRIs, Cat Scans, Cat Cora’s QR menu scans, whatever you have? Throw them away! Our beautiful boy has been cleared! It’s just irritation. It sounds like irrigation, but it’s not, baby! Clear skies ahead! So, I didn’t change my top 100, top 500 and fantasy baseball rankings for him, but I changed them all for some other schmohawks. We’ll get to them. Sigh. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2024 fantasy baseball:

Braxton Garrett – Will start the year on the IL. This feels more like he’s “just behind” vs. “just cooked.” But “just behind” is me assuming and assuming makes an ass out of you and me and if you’re “just a little behind,” you’re an ass, so those two cancel each other out. I think. So, I reached out to contacts, and, for now, Garrett is just behind, so I took about a month off his stats and lowered him into the top 60 starters. Also, the pitchers pairing tool was updated.

Lucas Giolito – Partially torn UCL. Damn, his UCL is now like his marriage vows. Welp, he’s cooked, sadly. Giolito was removed from the rankings, and I wouldn’t draft him in the top 500. With Giolito going down, you’d think Garrett Whitlock were just a bridge to a high-priced starter acquisition, but no. GW is not a bridge to anywhere; check New York for that. Since the Red Sox are a small market team now and have become the AL East’s new Orioles, Whitlock could throw out 120 innings and his arm from overuse. Might not be the worst innings either, since he’s been good in the past, but it was always as a reliever. Whitlock was added to the top 100 starters.

C.J. Cron – Signed with the Red Sox. If they play him over Bobby Dalbec, then Dalbec and Matt Mervis should go start their own team. Call it, the Nobody Wants Us’s. Plural of Us is weird, granted, but they’re two guys on one team and that’s weird! Hold up! They just made an acquisition! The Nobody Wants Us’s just acquired Jo Adell. Curtis Jackson Cron was removed from the 1st basemen rankings because Casas and others are in front of him (hopefully Dalbec, but even if Dalbec isn’t Cron is not worth drafting in the top 500, maybe as an AL-Only $1 flyer).

Vaughn Grissom – Might miss the start of the season with his groin strain. Oh no, don’t tell me Grissom has Gamelitis, the rare condition named for former prospect Mat Gamel. It’s a condition where every time a player gets an opportunity they’re blocked by a vet or injury. I’m debating lowering Grissom a little in the rankings, because I am more aggressive than most, so there’s some cushion there to lower. I’m conflicted because I don’t want him to miss Opening Day. Does what I want matter? Hmm… prolly not. He was lowered in the top 20 shortstops.

Shane Baz – Oblique injury, and wasn’t going to start the year anyway. Frequent commenter, toolshed said, “I feel like I have been waiting to see (Baz) pitch since the Obama administration.” Lowered Baz into the top 80 starters. I’m fine with the flyer, but it’s just that if you have an extra IL slot.

Cedric Mullins – Headed for an MRI on his hamstring. Wasn’t drafting Mullins anyway. That’s right, I didn’t even have to think about Mullins. Pun points! Once we here more, I will likely move Mullins further down in my outfielder rankings.

Paul Skenes – Will start the year in the minors. Pirates said there’s still some boxes he needs to check. Boxes he needs to check is a service time advent calendar.

Garrett Cooper – Signed with the Cubs. I’m happy for Cooper. Not happy to draft him in fantasy, as he will only face lefties, but happy for him. With that said, I am cackling at how bad the Cubs never want to play Matt Mervis.

Tony Kemp – Signed with the Reds. Just what the Reds need, a utility bat. Smart stuff, okay, moving on before I explode.

Austin Nola – Signed with the Royals. The Royals who have four catchers already? Those Royals? They might have a problem.

Brian Anderson – Signed by the Mariners. They could’ve had Matt Chapman and went out and got BA Brokeass.

Mason Miller – Kotsay said that Miller will start the year throwing multiple innings, and won’t start the year as the closer, but could gradually move into the 9th. I wonder if Kotsay knows that Miller only has 15-18 innings in his arm before getting hurt. I have Miller, Erceg and Jimenez sharing saves in my top 500.

Manuel Margot – Traded to the Twins. But Buxton and Kirilloff both said they’re healthy! Oh, crap, while saying their healthy, they hurt their obliques.

Nick Ahmed – Signed by the Giants as an insurance policy if Marco Luciano stinks as much as everyone thinks he stinks.

Matt Chapman – Signed with the San Francisco Giants. They had themselves a nice little offseason with free agent bats, but, psst, hey, quick question, have the Giants looked at their rotation? No? Okay. Unlike a lot of guys who have had their power face plant, Chapman’s underlying peripherals aren’t bad. That can be looked at as a good thing — hey, he doesn’t need to fix his swing. Or a bad thing — hey, he’s hitting the ball the same way, but the ball is not going anywhere. I’m gonna guess power bounce back, but there’s not a lot evidence to support it. He might be Longoria part deux. Sounds like a horror film, call him Mangoria. 3rd basemen rankings were updated.

Tristan Beck – After undergoing successful surgery on his arm to repair an aneurysm, he will rest for eight weeks before resuming his throwing. People talk about moist being a trigger word, personally I think the word aneurysm sucks.

Anthony Rendon – Tweaked his groin. Rendon is hurt? Wow, it really is baseball season!

Justin Verlander – Astros acknowledged that Verlander won’t be ready for Opening Day. I’m under the assumption this is one of those situations where they’re slow rolling their big gun, and he’ll still throw 23+ starts with solid stats. Losing two weeks in April is better than losing all of August and September. Maybe wrongfully, but I’m not concerned. I have conservatively moved him into the top 60 starters.

Gavin Stone – Sounds like he’s the favorite to win the last Dodgers’ rotation, so, let me ask you something, pardner, how much do you want to get hurt? That’s directly related to how excited this news should get you. He was boosted in the top 100 starters. Also, the pitchers pairing tool was updated.

Enrique Hernandez – Re-signed with his alma mater, the Dodgers. One thing you can always guarantee in the Dave Roberts’ era of the Dodgers. Chris Taylor and Enrique Hernandez will be more valuable than you expect and Gavin Lux will be less valuable. Don’t ask me how. It’s Dave Roberts’s ability to make the impossibly stupid possible. 1st basemen rankings were updated.

Sonny Gray – Sounds likely to miss a couple weeks of the season with a hamstring strain. Here’s hoping it’s not a couple couple weeks followed by a return, re-injury and a couple couple more. I’d take one throuple weeks to save from too many couple couples. Lowered Gray in my top 60 starters. Also, the pitchers pairing tool was updated.

Brandon Crawford – Signed with the Cards. Like this deal by St. Louis. After losing Molina, Pujols and Wainwright the last few years, the Cards could use a player who should be retired.