Here’s everyone’s favorite fantasy baseball draft tool delivered to you in time to repackage it and give it to your loved one on Valentine’s Day, pretending it came from you. Just remember the sex you have is thanks to me. You’re welcome. Okay, did you ever think we’d get to the end of the 2024 fantasy baseball rankings? You did? Wow, you had more faith than me. Some time around the top 60 outfielders for 2024 fantasy baseball, I thought we were gonna have to pack it up and start ranking something else, like the top 20 Reasons Why We Weren’t Finishing The 2024 Fantasy Baseball Rankings. 1. Lazy. Then a new tier for 2. Winning the lottery. Never the hoo! Here we are now! So, from the 2024 fantasy baseball rankings, specifically the starter rankings, comes a need for this post: The 2024 fantasy baseball pitchers’ pairing tool. This is where things get interesting! And by ‘interesting’ I mean massively confusing. If what you’re about to read were found scribbled in a notebook, the FBI would be watching me. If The Green River Killer stood up and read this at the next prison Meet N’ Greet, no one would blink an eye. Because, well, his company would prolly be all murderers too. Moving on!
For these pitcher pairings, I’m going to be using our (my) 2024 fantasy baseball rankings. Notably, the top 20 for 2024 fantasy baseball, the top 20 starters for 2024 fantasy baseball, top 40 starters for 2024, top 60 starters for 2024, the top 80 starters for 2024 and top 100 starters. You can also just get Rudy’s downloadable War Room by signing up for the Subscriptions. Okay, formalities out of the way. *rolls up sleeves, makes farting noise with hand under armpit, rolls down sleeve* Let’s get busy! Now, what is a pitcher pairing? It’s your plan for putting together a fantasy pitching staff. A course of action, of course — of acoursion, naturally. If you have A pitcher, which B, C, D, E and F pitcher goes with him? Which is different than ‘F this pitcher,’ that’s what you say by end of April after one of your starters gives up five earned in two-thirds of an inning. You should have six starters. The sixth starter is, well, Kutter Crawford comes to mind. Or MacKenzie Gore. Shota Imanaga also comes to mind. Reid Detmers anyone? By the by, I use this opening every year, except change the names, and last year the names I told you to grab with your 6th starter were Bailey Ober, Hunter Brown, Justin Steele and Edward Cabrera. Not a bad track record and here’s Ed-Cab going around that track one more time! I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5 and some variation of 9 pitcher leagues like the Razzball Commenter Leagues, which are now in the process of filling up. Put on your pants and look presentable! Anyway, here’s pitcher pairings for pitching staffs for 2024 fantasy baseball drafts:
If your first pitcher is from the tiers: Fritos feet, and Hanging out with Neil, Patrick, Harris
These tiers are from Spencer Strider to Wheeler. If you draft someone from these tiers, you’ll probably lose your league or get lucky with your hitters. If you do draft one, I wouldn’t take another pitcher until the tiers, “Bon varyäge” and “Get fitted for a tuxedo shirt now.” Take one pitcher from one of those two tiers, then grab another starter from one of those two tiers or, “Sideways bosom.” Then grab another starter from, “Sideways Bosom,” “Bosom buddies,” or “Dorf on Golf Presents: Fore!” or “Broken emergency anchor glass.” Then one starter from Anchor glass or “I’m using the milkrowave.” Finally, draft one more starter from the milkrowave. So, you’d have a rotation something like Corbin Burnes, Zach Eflin, Justin Steele, Chris Bassitt, Bailey Ober and Edward Cabrera. Or you could have Spencer Strider, Mitch Keller, Justin Verlander, Eduardo Rodriguez, Kutter Crawford and Reese Olson. Either of those staffs will probably net you 13’s in every pitching category in a 12 team league.
If your first pitcher is from the tiers: Fill my holes with dry rice to reduce moistness.
This tier is from Kevin Gausman to Zac Gallen. I’d pair any of them with anyone in their same tier or the tier, “Eat your ideal lover’s weight in cookie dough,” “Bon varyäge” and “Get fitted for a tuxedo shirt now,” but it’s not mandatory you grab two in the first two tiers. In other words, if I drafted Gausman, I could see taking Logan Webb or Joe Ryan or anyone from any of those tiers, but I wouldn’t reach either. If you do take two guys from those first two tiers, then move to “Bon varyäge” and “Get fitted for a tuxedo shirt now,” and take one guy. You will also be fine taking Gausman and moving right to Bon varyäge or the tuxedo shirt. If you skip a 2nd starter in the tier “reduce moistness” and “cookie dough,” then draft two guys in the Bon varyäge and/or the tuxedo shirt. So, you could have either something like Gausman, Eury Perez and Grayson Rodriguez or Gausman, Justin Steele and Grayson Rodriguez. Either way, you then move along to Sideways bosom, Bosom Buddies and a Dorf and grab a guy, then onto another Dorf, anchor glass or a milkrowave. Finally, one guy from the milkrowave. So, you’ll have something like Gausman, Eury Perez, Grayson Rodriguez, Chris Bassitt, Nathan Eovaldi and Shota. Don’t mind if I do! Or you could have something like Zac Gallen, Logan Webb, Zach Eflin, Eduardo Rodriguez, Charlie Morton and MacKenzie Gore. That’s straight gorge. As in engorged.
If your first pitcher is from the tier: Eat your ideal lover’s weight in cookie dough.
This tier is from Logan Webb to Yoshinobu Yamamoto. This is likely the way I’m going in 12-team leagues and shallower. This would be ideal (and just as convoluted. Anyone that actually reads AND understands this post deserves a gold star and a head exam. “You, sir, are fit for the looney bin.”) My first pitcher will be from Cookie Dough, then two starters bon varyäge and getting fitted for a tuxedo shirt, then one starter from sideways bosom, Bosom Buddies, a Dorf and one starter from a Dorf, anchor glass and milkrowave. Finally, a milkrowave. So, you could have something like Yamamoto, Justin Steele, Grayson Rodriguez, Justin Verlander, Dane Dunning and Brayan Bello. You just won your league and games haven’t even started. You’re welcome. Could this post become more confusing? Short answer: no. Long answer: nooooooooooo. But let’s try…
Overall Thoughts
You can’t go wrong with a lot of different sets of pitchers. You probably could do fine with drafting only 3 starters and 3 great relievers and streaming. (Razzball Subscriptions are now open with the Streamonator.) If you stick to the pitchers I like, then you’ll do well matching them up any way you see fit. For unstints, I could see a lot of people saying Mitch Keller is being drafted closer to a number four vs. a number two or three, so can I wait on him? Sure. If you draft only pitchers that I like, then I have no quarrel with you. Wanna wait for Keller while grabbing another prototypical tuxedo? That’s cool with me. Just know you’re adding risk that someone might draft Keller before you.
TROUBLE AREAS
WHIP Issues – For every pitcher who is projected over a 1.23 WHIP, take one below. The quicker you do this, the better off you’ll be. For unstints, if you take Charlie Morton, who I have projected for 1.25, you need to pair him with someone I have projected below a 1.23. Don’t pair Morton with Pivetta. Pair him with someone like Civale. Remember, the further you get into the rankings, the harder it becomes to find lower WHIPs. Side note: WHIP can be helped by closers and MRs… Or hurt by them.
What of those other starters you like in your top 100 starters?
You mean, what about the tier “Saying romance into a glass bottle, then tossing it into the sea,” or any starter listed in the top 100 starters who are in tiers not listed above. They are 7th starters or IL, minors or bullpen-bound. I wouldn’t count on any of them for anything. I like me some Paul Skenes or a bunch of those guys, but are you really starting any of them every time out in April and risking a huge blow up or them just not being in the rotation, which would lead to a crushing April that leaves you in your fantasy baseball basement and a chance to start trading for keepers in May? You take a flyer on someone like Ricky Tiedemann, hope he works out and if he doesn’t, you decide whether to drop him in redraft leagues. He’s not your 6th starter.
Strikeout Issues – For drafters who follow my lead, this shouldn’t be much of an issue. You’re shooting for around 150 strikeouts/starter.
Overall Pitching Issues – Just about everyone, including yours truly, drops at least one of their starters by May 1st. Obviously, you want the best team coming out the draft, but it’s a marathon not a sprint. Starters always come out of nowhere on waivers to become productive. Always. Even in deep leagues.
BONUS FEATURE
Because we both know everything written above this point was the gibberish of a mad mind, here’s an easy to use shortcut. Just click the pitcher you drafted, then you’ll get a short list of the next pitcher you’re supposed to draft. Frank Voila, snitches! Now, have at it:
