Fernando Tatis Jr. was born in 1999. Recently, it was announced Acuña was so young he didn’t know who Mickey Mantle was, well, Tatis Jr. is so young he doesn’t know who Mike Trout is. Dude was born like a minute ago, and not a minute as it’s defined in Urban Dictionary, which is a long time, but an actual minute. Tatis’s dad is so young he didn’t even use charcoal as his medium; he used MS Paint. Tatis Jr. looks like an All-Star ready to happen, until the 75th round draft pick, Albert Pujols Jr., comes along and replaces him. Jokes aside, Tatis looks damn near perfect. A lanky Machado maybe, a young Hanley possibly. Like something Ryan Brasier would cover, Tatis looks real and spectacular. I’d say the difference him and his pops is the difference between Ken Griffey Jr. and Sr., but Ken Sr. wasn’t that bad. How about this, the difference between Tatises (Tatii?) is the difference between J.D. Martinez and J.D. Martinez Sr. Was there a J.D. Martinez Sr.? No idea, but that’s the point. FTJ is going to be special. Now Fun the Jewels fast! Now Fun the Jewels fast! Now Fun the Jewels fast! Anyway, what can we expect from Fernando Tatis Jr. for 2019 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Bo Bichette looks like Dante Bichette and Craig Biggio had a kid, but Biggio’s got his own future All-Star in Cavan Biggio so maybe they did a baby swap. Honestly, if I worked in a maternity ward, I’d be switching babies all the time. Not because I’m a bad person, but because I was a huge fan of the documentary, Three Identical Strangers. See, I’m not evil, I’m cultured. On a side, yet related note, I’m beginning to understand how my father felt when Ken Griffey Jr. started playing in the majors. When Ronald Acuña Jr. Jr. starts playing, call it a wrap and bury me in a field with Seabiscuit. Speaking of Seabiscuit (totally natural segue), let’s see Bichette! Anyway, what can we expect from Bo Bichette for 2019 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Cincinnati Reds top prospect Nick Senzel is ready to play baseball. A blonde woman scampers past him. She wears a scarf on her head and glances at Senzel. Because he’s interested, and not at all a creeper, he follows her to the San Francisco Bay, where she dips her foot in the water. She turns her head and it’s revealed it’s not a blonde woman at all, but it’s the rapper Sisqo. AHHHHH!!!
So, Senzel has had to deal with vertigo more times than Jimmy Stewart without the love of his dog, Beau. Senzel missed time in 2017, then again this year. I’d say this is a big warning sign, but it’s more of a spinning, spiral sign. Can imagine Nick Senzel when he walks past a store with a person outside spinning a sign? Dude must straight lose it. “Everywhere I go, it’s like I’m outside a Subway sandwich shop and someone is spinning a sign. I don’t know why I see people dressed as submarine sandwiches everywhere too. That is weird.” That’s Senzel talking to his therapist. This dizziness that Senzel is suffering from for two years is a bit more worrisome than, say, a broken hand. One just heals, the other is more obtuse. Unfortunately, he’s got some of those non-obtuse injuries too. The hits (to his health, and not off his bat) keep piling up. He’s currently rehabbing surgery to remove bone spurs from his elbow, but this is supposedly minor and he’ll be fine in time for Spring Training. Never heard that before! Anyway, what can we expect from Nick Senzel in 2019 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Don’t feel good about this fantasy baseball rookie post at all, tee bee aitch. The Astros seem 100% in win now mode, or winnow mode if you’re talking about winnowing out rookies. Tyler White seemed all ready to go once he was called up this year, and saw playing time, but hopefully that is not portending anything for Kyle Tucker, because White took six years in the minors and was 27 years old. Let’s not forget other Astros rookies who seemed all but destined for playing time in the last two years. Two that come to mind: Derek Fisher and A.J. Reed. Through a personal connection (and most definitely not stalking), Rudy was at a holiday party with Jeff Luhnow and was told that Reed had the lead for the starting 1st base job — that was two years ago! Reed did himself no favors to get that starting job, but how quickly did the Astros just go right back to a Marwin/Gattis/Reddick platoon? Quicker than you can call that platoon, Marwin Gatdick, and wonder how he gets through TSA. “Excuse me, sir, are you planning on doing a stickup or do you Gatdick?” Unlike my Victor Robles fantasy, I don’t think I can just ignore the possibility that Tucker never sees real playing time this year. Wow, this is getting me so amped up in the reverse direction. Okay, before you abandon ship and go back to reading recaps of Young Sheldon, Marwin’s about to walk and there’s really no one worthwhile blocking Tucker, so &2b[1y29–Sorry, was crossing fingers. Anyway, what can we expect from Kyle Tucker for 2019 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Do the Nats sign Bryce Harper? For Victor Robles, we should start there. I don’t think the Nats retain Harper’s services. That might be tinged with how I don’t think they should retain his services. Nothing against Harper. Dot dot dot. Okay, I have a lot against him. He seems like a supreme douchenozzle, but he’s a top 15 hitter in the major leagues when you consider OBP. Maybe top ten. Whatever the Nats do to replace for him, aside from Manny Machado, will be a step down. As much as I like Victor Robles, and I do, he’s not going to be Bryce Harper. However, I think the Nats should lose Harper because they haven’t been able to win with him, so why pay $850 bajillion for a guy who is going to get you into third place? This is so important for Robles, because, if Harper leaves, then Robles is a lock for an everyday job. Sexy Dr. Pepper, Juan Soto will play and Adam Eaton somehow is signed on for yet another year. That leaves one more spot. Yes, I know Eaton is injury-prone. Don’t pretend you’re telling me that. I’ve been telling you that for five years. However, I’d be shocked if Eaton is suddenly a 4th outfielder, so we need Harper gone for Robles to play (and, of course, no other random outfielder signings by the Nats; goes without saying, though, yes, I am saying it). I’m going on the assumption this is what’s going to happen, that Robles will play. Unfortch, when we make an assumption, we make an ass out of an ump. Angel Hernandez and Joe West resemble that remark. Anyway, what can we expect from Victor Robles for 2019 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Late in the season, when it appeared like Eloy Jimenez might be called up, I said he was putting his finishing touches on his Roy Hobbs’ Halloween costume. Maybe I was saying that because he was tearing the cover off the ball, maybe I heard something about the following clip I’m about to share or maybe I really am a prescient witch — preswich? Either way, watch this:
In case you’re not seeing how far the ball is going, I got a little secret for you to judge the ball’s trajectory. After his first swing, the ball smashes the light tower! Okay, he is Roy Hobbs. It’s such a whatever swing for him, before the ball hits the light tower, he’s already hit another home run! That’s right, that’s not a GIF of one swing, it’s of two swings! He swings and the ball travels so far that he’s able to swing and hit another home run before the first ball smashes the light tower! Sure, it was a home run derby, but are you kidding me? Have you seen home run derbies before? Guys are exhausted after they hit a home run and are asking for time outs and calling up Bryce Harper’s dad for tips way before they hit another home run! But Eloy hits the light tower, pulls the bat back and hits another home run! Seriously WUT. *feels lightheaded* I need to sit down; Eloy’s got me shook! Anyway, what can we expect from Eloy Jimenez for 2019 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ayo whaddup it’s ya boy Grey Albright aka the Fantasy Master Lothario aka The Guy With No Tummy Tuck But Just Looks Fine aka The Guy Who Spent Forty Minutes Googling Steely Dan Lyrics aka The Guy Who Tries To Spell Every Word On A Calculator Held Upside Down aka The Guy Who Eats A Macadamia Nut Like A Professor And Says, “I’m An Macademic” aka The Guy Who Often Wonders Whatever Happened To Ione Skye aka The Guy Who Says His Name Is Steve To Telemarketers aka The Guy Who Can Sing Any Song Off The ‘Fear Of A Black Planet’ Album aka The Dirt On Your Keyboard’s Shift Key. I’m here with 2019 content, snitches! Okay, I need to sit down, I’ve exhausted myself in the excitement of it all. Well, the joke’s on my butt, I have nowhere to sit! A quick preamble about the 2019 fantasy baseball rookie series that is coming from me over the next few weeks. Rookies could get a post if they meet MLB eligibility requirements, less than 130 ABs or 50 IP. That means no Roman Quinn, no Magneuris Sierra, and no Ramon Laureano. In 2012, the first player I highlighted was Mike Trout. That wasn’t an accident. I said in the Mike Trout post, “He’s ranked number one for me. Numero uno. The Big Mahoff. He’s the big Statue of Liberty in New York, not that girly one in Paris!” Since then, I’ve attempted to make the first rookie post about a prospect that will be the top rookie for fantasy the following year. Last year that honor went to Ronald Acuña Jr. Yes, it’s an honor, don’t be so condescending. This year the top fantasy prospect isn’t no ordinary man, this is the prospect I be seeing in my sleep. Vladimir Guerrero Jr. will be your number one 2019 fantasy baseball rookie. Will Vlad Jr. be named to the All-Century Team in 82 years or edged out by a robot with grabby hands named the Hitter-Tron that my great-great-nephew will sue, due to trademark infringement, only to find out it’s the same Hitter-Tron that once graced this little fantasy baseball blog called Razzball? Can Vladimir Guerrero Jr. be a top 50 overall player in 2019? Let’s stop the questions and start the answers! Okay, one more question… Anyway, what we can expect of Vladimir Guerrero Jr. for 2019 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
So, how’s everyone holding up without baseball every day? I don’t know what to do with myself! Yesterday I wandered into a Starbucks and told the coffeerista about German Marquez for 2019. Then I sobbed into a cheddar scone until someone asked me to leave. We’ve gone over the final 2018 fantasy baseball rankings for hitters and the top 20 starters. This is different than Final Fantasy rankings where you rank Final Fantasy 1 thru Final Fantasy 15. That’s hardcore nerd shizz! This is simply fantasy baseball — we’re softcore nerds like Emmanuelle is to porn. So, there’s no more of these godforsaken recap posts left. You’re welcome. I, my over-the-internet friend, will be talking next about 2019 rookies. Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2018 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:Please, blog, may I have some more?
All the final 2018 fantasy baseball rankings for hitters are done. For those that skipped today’s title, this starts the top 20 starters for 2018 fantasy baseball. This is NOT for 2019 (caps for those who can’t read titles; supposedly it’s easier to read caps, I have my doubts). This is a recap. Actually, RECAP, literally. Will these affect next year’s rankings? Sure. But not entirely. To recapitulate, these rankings are from our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. We’re (me’re) using it to fairly gauge our (my) preseason rankings. Anyway, here’s the top 20 starters for 2018 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:Please, blog, may I have some more?
With the top 40 outfielders for 2018 fantasy baseball, we’ve finished all the hitter recaps. We meaning me, but I’ll include you. No, that’s not a cue to try to hold my hand. Why are you now patting my butt? Don’t muss my hair! The pitching recap will begin next. You can hardly wait. No, you! To recap, the end of the season rankings are based on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. I felt the easiest way to keep it objective would to go this route. This way when I say someone finished 30th and I ranked them 23rd in the preseason, it carries more weight like Willians Astudillo. Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2018 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:Please, blog, may I have some more?