Let baseball return with the craziest shizz they got! Robot umps? Check! 7-inning games? Why not? Divisions changed? Sure! No shifts! No foul balls! Everything is in play! Pitchers have to throw with their wrong hand! Hitters have to stand on one foot! Mascots get stockpile of vaccines and choose who gets one! I don’t care! Just let baseball return! With all that said, universal DH is being thrown about like that somehow fixes baseball post-Covid-19. Has anyone on this green earth that Al Gore is eating his way through asked why? This is one that keeps coming back after every discussion about restarting baseball like they’ve already unplugged it and blew in the cartridge. Could someone, preferably a journalist, ask WHY? Why does a DH make things better for restarting? I’m guessing no one asks why because they know there’s no reason and it would just make Manfred uncomfortable. Shame more journalists don’t ask questions to make people uncomfortable. Not to go down that rabbit hole too far, but too many sports journalists (and maybe other types) are so concerned with access they refuse to ask tough questions, then they go on Twitter and make fun of the subject. Twitter is bad for a lot of reasons, but this is the reason number one for me. You see reporters say point blank about how stupid something is, but did they pose the stupidness to the actual subject? No, never. Prolly why I couldn’t make it as a journalist. If Manfred said to me about universal DH, I’d ask, why, and minds would be blown. Any hoo! Assuming there is a universal DH, our writer, JKJ, is going over a series of hitters who would benefit from it. I don’t want to go over what JKJ has said already, but Tyler O’Neill…O’Well, he’s too juicy to ignore. So, what can we expect from Tyler O’Neill in 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a great dart throw?

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Here’s the Jays’ rotation:

Hyu-Jin Ryu
Chase Anderson
Tanner Roark
Matt Shoemaker
Trent Thornton

Here’s the Padres’ rotation:

Chris Paddack
Garrett Richards
Zach Davies
Joey Lucchesi
Dinelson Lamet

This is why, when asked recently, if I prefer Nate Pearson to MacKenzie Gore, why I said I like both equally. I love MacKenzie Gore and have drafted him, but who has the easier path to innings? Put aside those teams’ respective aces. Say what you want about Zach Davies, Garrett Richards, Joey Lucchesi of the Rigatoni Crime Family, Dinelson Lamet, and I’ve said plenty, but Trent Thornton, Shoemaker, Roark, Chase Anderson are a goofy mess. Shoemaker injured himself reading about how he is injury-prone. Even in regards to their two respective aces, Ryu is less likely to stay healthy for even a shortened season. Pearson’s sliding into that rotation in the landmark case of sooner vs. later. Any hoo! I just wanted to put it out there that I think both will see innings, and this isn’t about which one I like better, while I make it about which I like better for 2020, but MacKenzie Gore is going to need an injury to get in the rotation or, and this ‘or’ is the size of Kanye’s ego, starters piggybacking this year, in what will be a weird year. Minor leaguers will be a part of the major league team, whether they want to or not (of course they want to). With no conceivable minor league season, Gore should be with the Padres in some form. So, what can we expect from MacKenzie Gore for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a great dart throw?

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Kyle Lewis is in my top 100 outfielders for 2020 fantasy baseball, but, as mentioned the other day, these Dart Throws are me being a little more footloose and fancy-free like Kevin Bacon on Casual Fridays with projections and possible upside. By the way, can you imagine explaining to an alien right now what Casual Fridays are? “It’s when you don’t have to dress up for work on Friday.” Alien speaks in an alien language while you wait for the Alien Language Translator to give you back what it’s saying. Finally, the Alien Language Translator says, “You’ve been wearing sweatpants for the last five weeks. What’s more casual? Your stained gotchies?” Yo, that Alien has a smart mouth, which is located on its feet, because it’s an alien. Any hoo! In my top 100 outfielders, I threw Kyle Lewis a bone by including him. To get him in the lineup, Dee Gordon has to be benched; Mitch Haniger’s Mr. Peanut has to be crushed; Austin Nola has to do whatever it is Austin Nola does, but on the bench; Jake Fraley has to do a bit better than Austin Nola, but not good enough to start and Dylan Moore…Well, who? Your 2020 Mariners are tight eh-eff team of recycled garbage that was never recycled. But, when the league starts up again, and, if the M’s are playing in Arizona — better! — then Kyle Lewis could be the starting right fielder. So, what can we expect from Kyle Lewis for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a great dart throw?

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This post will either be insanely stupid and a terrible use of splits stats or *mimes mind being blown*. Actually, now that I think about it, *mimes mind being blown* doesn’t sound like a positive. Two negatives? A perfect start for a post about Rougned Odor! Owning Rougned Odor over the course of the season is exactly like *mimes mind being blown*. The last time I owned Rougned Odor I repeatedly *mimes mind being blown* at how awful he was. Sometimes I’d watch him swing and miss for roughly 100 straight at-bats and *mimes mind being blown*. I once owned Rougned Odor through a 1-for-seemingly-500 stretch, dropped him and watched him hit five homers in four games on waivers and *mimes mind being blown*. There’s a countless number of *mimes mind being blown* times I can associate with Rougned Odor and none of them are good, frankly. *mimes mind being blown* is a terrible way to think about Rougned Odor — forget I ever said it! I hate him so much! Yet. Dot dot dot. I’m kinda interested, due to his splits. So, what can we expect from Rougned Odor for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a great dart throw?

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Donkey Teeth and I had the pleasure of welcoming Don Zemmer (a sentence I’m sure you expected to read pre-pandemic) to our Patreon podcast.

Who?

Dot dot dot.

Don Zemmer, fools! The guy who sings popular songs using baseball players’ names! Allow me to give you an example for the underknowers and not-yet-appreciators. For the unsubscribed and not-yet-hip-to-the-unhip. For the uninitiated and unsatiated. For the what-the-heck-are-you-talking-abouters and the seriously-fill-me-in-I’m-cluelessers! Here’s some of Don Zemmer’s best:

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The Blue Jays are exciting my nethers, or maybe that’s the extra bleach I’ve been cleaning my underwears in. Yo, you can’t be too careful. Corona coming for me? Bring it on, you pandemic bastard. I’m Kung Fu Fightin’ that shizz with bleach, karate chops and tricks. Excuse me, not tricks, but allusions. Yesterday, I walked my dog Ted while doing The Robot, because the virus doesn’t stick to metal. *points to brain* Smart. Last year Teoscar Hernandez hit 26 homers and stole six bags in only 125 games. Okay, right now, 125 games sounds like the full season plus the playoffs, but you get the picture. Teoscar Hernandez going 26/6 in five months is completely overlooked or nah? Because I’m going with completely overlooked like Julia Garner in The Americans just waiting for her Ruthie role. Can we all bless Ruthie for this line:

Bless her, I demand you! Now I know what it’s like to be a rich old man, because I am crushing on a younger woman. Old was my thing, but Ruthie has changed me. So, what can we expect from Teoscar Hernandez for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a great dart throw?

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Let’s start with the drool. Here’s Nate Pearson:

Wipes sweat bead from forehead, takes a long drawn-out beat, then, “Damn.” Here’s what else he does to hitters:

Wanna know how good a guy is? Watch how hitters attack, or in this case, try to attack him. These two examples of Nate Pearson’s butter don’t even show his 99 MPH cheddar. That cheese, if you will, is the reason why these hitters are looking so bad. Imagine sitting on a 99 MPH fastball, then this filth is dropped into the zone. You can’t hit anything there without guessing. You sit dead-red heat on his fastball, one of the best in the minors, and he drops in an 86 MPH change or a slider or a curve. Batter, batter, can’t touch butter! You can hope he doesn’t locate on one of the pitches, but last year, across three levels of the minors ending in Triple-A, he had a 119/27 K/BB. Yes, that’s beautiful. I guess you can argue that minor leaguers aren’t waiting on a pitch like major leaguers, but have you seen strikeout rates recently in the majors? Pearson’s going to chew up hitters and spit them into a barrel and send that barrel over Niagara, saying, “Get the f*** out of Canada!” So, what can we expect from Nate Pearson for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a great dart throw?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The last news on Taijuan Walker is from March 9th. The Seattle Times reported, “Walker pitched three innings, allowing one run on four hits with no walks and four strikeouts Monday in Milwaukee’s 2-1 victory. He threw 43 pitches with 28 strikes – featuring a fastball that sat at 93 to 94 mph, that sinking change-up and a vastly improved curveball.” I go with changeup — one word, no hyphen, but other than that, it reads like a dream. *fighting self to not sing it, finally blurting out* It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up magazine. Ugh, sorry, I can’t stop myself whenever I hear or read “a dream,” I break into Juicy. It’s especially annoying when I shoot up in bed at four in the morning, sweating profusely and Cougs comforts me with, “Chester Cheetah is not chasing you, it was all a dream,” and I launch into song. That March 9th report was from Taijuan’s first spring training start (he pitched in “B” games prior), and before we knew there would be 78 days in March. Is it still March? Who’s to say? Not me, I’m not going out on that kind of limb. Just a week prior to that start, Taijuan Walker “wasn’t sharp” in his simulated game and a few months prior to that, I didn’t even rank him my top 100 starters for 2020 fantasy baseball or top 500. So, what gives? Or better yet…So, what about Taijuan Walker for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a dart throw?

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I’m prolly the one hundred-millionth person to say this, but how are the San Fran Giants gonna have a prospect named Joey Bart and not Joey BART? Hey, Joey BART, do you have homeless people sleeping on your couch? If you don’t know what I mean, you’ve never been to San Fran. You’re better off, it’s an absolute slum. Los Angeles, where I am, and San Fran have a long-standing rivalry, which I don’t take lightly. I once drove eight hours to San Fran just to take a dump. I hate you, San Fran! I’m absolutely kidding. It’s a beautiful city, but as Mark Twain once said, the coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Fran. At least I think he said it; I’ve never googled it, but everyone in San Fran tells you that quote as some sort of badge of honor. Like being cold in July and August is good. What kind of city is cold in the summer months? Yo, San Fran, are you Australian? I think I see you in California, but you must be in Australia. Any hoo! (Wait, you want more San Fran bashing? Sorry, you need to go across the Bay Bridge for bashing.) Joey Bart is the future of the San Francisco Giants and why Buster Posey will be accumulating the league’s worst stats for a 1st baseman in the case Sooner v. Later. So, what can we expect from Joey Bart for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a great dart throw?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

This week Donkey Teeth and I (totally normally sentence) talk about how awesome it was that so many people signed up for the Razzball Patreon show, and I get an absolutely bonkers good idea. Seemingly, at the moment the podcast airs I realize that once the season starts, I can start putting up the roundups and Buy/Sell columns early on the Patreon page, so people can get them, and the advice they contain, hours or even a day before everyone else gets them. Then, we talk about the NFBC Best Ball league we were roped…bamboozled…C’mon, thesaurus, hoodwinked into by a bunch of Razzball commenters, and how the league is, being polite, set up in an interesting way. Also, because I am absolutely mystified about all things to do with Repulsive Giant Baby, we discuss that for far longer than anyone could/would imagine. What’s that, you don’t know RGB? You thought RGB was Roy G. Biv? Don’t be silly! I have a tweet for you:

Then, when the podcast can’t literally get better, it manages to take a turn for the sublime when we talk about the Titans’ NFL Draft War Room and how there might be not one, but two future Joe Exotic husbands there. Finally, (this is not in order), we talk about the Michael Jordan documentary, The Last Dance, and Donkey Teeth has a firsthand encounter with Scottie Pippen. We appreciate everyone who has signed for the show already — it really helps! And everyone who signed up for our ad-free membership. You guys are literally the best. I’d hug ya, but then we’d both get The Rona and that would be it for both of us. Again, here’s the ad-free subscription for $9.99, which helps big-time. To sign up to our show, go here:

Razzball Patreon

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