“Wonder Twins power activate! In the form of a string bean!” That’s what goes through my mind every time I see Triston McKenzie. If Triston McKenzie and Deivi Garcia were ever on a seesaw, they’d both be in the air with their legs dangling. Triston McKenzie doing indoor skydiving is just him pinned against the ceiling until the wind is shut off. Triston McKenzie was in his high school play, which was an adaptation of Forrest Gump, and McKenzie played the part of the feather. Once Triston McKenzie forgot his house keys and slipped in through the mail slot. Okay, get out all your shizzes and giggles. Triston McKenzie is skinny eh eff. He’s listed as 160 pounds, which is normal-ish. Dot dot dot. For a man a foot shorter than him! He’s six-five! Haha, dubya tee eff. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon! Instead of using toothpaste, use milkshakes! (I’m not exactly Mr. Quote-The-Simpsons, but that line never gets old for me.) Okay, now that I spent one word for every pound on how much Stretch McKenzie weighs, can we talk about how he had the stats this year in the majors that we wanted from Sixto Sanchez? Acksually, McKenzie had the stats we wanted from Max Scherzer. McKenzie had a 11.3 K/9, 2.4 BB/9 in 33 1/3 IP, and now I swoon like the audience mesmerized by his feather portrayal. To step back a little further to catch you up, before we go into his 2021 projections. Prospect Mike (member him?) said two years ago, “(Triston) does have a plus fastball and curve with decent control, so don’t put me down as a hater. His 2018 was spent in Double-A, where he whiffed 87 batters in 90 innings with a 2.68 ERA, and I’d like to kick Grey in the balls.” What the eff? So, the reason I went back two years is Triston McKenzie didn’t throw last year. More on that in a bit. So, what can we expect from Triston McKenzie for 2021 fantasy baseball?

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Don’t want to this post to be 500 words long to get to the conclusion, “Meh, maybe, if Nate Pearson is healthy,” so, yes, he had elbow tightness, which is a concern, but he threw two innings in the playoffs — yes, two whole innings! — and his velocity was fine, so, yeah, I don’t know. My assumption with Pearson’s elbow health is multi-fold:  One-fold, if it’s not good, that sucks, but he will be shut down in March during Spring Training, and we’ll be able to drop him in redraft fantasy leagues without too much anguish, because the 2nd-fold says he should be cheap enough in drafts to acquire. There’s no three-fold. I.e., It’ll be easy enough to fold on Pearson. Hey, by the way, I’m typing this up in a laundromat, is it obvious? Okay, as B. Real once said, “How do ya know where you’re headed if you don’t know where ya been,” so here’s what I’ve said previously, “Let’s start with the drool. Here’s Nate Pearson:

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This is the third year I’m writing a Casey Mize rookie outlook post. Lowercase yay. Never the hoo:

Waste time with a Mizerpiece
Don’t waste time with a Mizerpiece
You should be rolling with me
You should be rolling with me, ah
You’re a real-life fantasy
You’re a real-life fantasy.

I have designated his stuff Cake by the Ocean. No one comes back from that with realistic expectations. Last person to even come close was a 1988 fantasy outlook post I did for Kevin Blankenship, who Baseball-Almanac ranks in the top 500 still living players who debuted in 1988. A worthy designation! Prior to going forward, let’s go back to what I’ve said previously, “Mize’s final Double-A numbers were 78 2/3 IP, 8.7 K/9, 2.1 BB/9, 2.98 FIP. Can’t lie, that injury worries me (he had shoulder inflammation in June of 2019), and I’m afraid of ghosts and that Mize might need some major surgery before resting for 18 months and then returning to being an ace. Specifics on his stuff:  double-plus splitter with a plus heater, slider, and control.” And that’s me quoting me! Then the Tigers promoted Casey Mize this year, because they’re wont to promote prospects super fast, which is awesome, and Mize was, well, less than awesome. His stats from this year: 0-3/6.99/1.48/26 in 28 1/3 IP. That gives me a big gulp, and not like the giant drink from 7-11 that you need two hands and both feet to hold. So, what can we expect from Casey Mize for 2021 fantasy baseball?

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There’s literally thousands of rookies to talk about this offseason, which is why this series is going deeper than usual. Will go over sleepers next, that’s my promise to you, which I say as I announce my 2024 presidential campaign over Zoom while not wearing pants. If you want me to put on pants, you’re gonna have to hold these two boba drinks. I only have two hands and I’m typing with my nosse–Dah! Stupid nose! Type better! A brief peak behind the curtain, I ask Prospect Itch for 15 or so rookies to highlight in my 2021 fantasy baseball rookies series, and he gives me 30, ranked, then I usually take the top 15. Luis Patino is nowhere near his top 15. He was ranked 30th on his 2021 fantasy baseball prospects for redraft leagues. Previously, Itch labeled Patino as a guy he was targeting for 2020. He thought he was a sleeper going into last year. Wha’ happened? I say like I’m in A Mighty Wind. RIP Fred Williard. Prospect Itch used to love Patino. Did he move on? Has he soured? Is Patino a scratch Itch can’t reach? Have thee wrought a fire from the depths of Itch’s belly that can’t be quenched with Welch’s Grape? Does Itch not drink from the nectar of the Gods — Welch’s Grape? What is wrong with Welch’s Grape???!!!??? So, I asked Itch why he’s not as excited by Patino and he said, “There was more guys I liked better, but I’m still on the bandwagon.” Or bandwagino, so to speak. Or even bandwagiño. So, what can we expect from Luis Patino for 2021 fantasy baseball?

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These 2021 fantasy baseball rookies aren’t in order. My Randy Arozarena 2021 fantasy and Sixto Sanchez 2021 fantasy were 1A and 1B. But this one, I don’t know where it ranks. I just wanted to get out of the bubble, unmask the ‘stache and stretch my legs with a rookie who hasn’t debuted yet. No disrespect to Cristian Pache. You did get Ian Anderson. One love to Bryse Wilson. Sorry, no Kyle Wright because he exceeds rookie eligibility–Okay, are there any rookies that aren’t Braves? Any hoo! Jarred Kelenic, who sounds like a bottled cleanse, here’s your chance to shine (and get out what the fiber couldn’t)! First off, let’s look at what Prospect Itch said about Kelenic, “He’s drawn some Christian Yelich comps for his feel for the barrel and all around game (but mostly because he’s a lefty outfielder who can hit and run, and Yelich is elite now, and people love to comp prospects to stars who are so elite any kind of comp is immediately ludicrous). Regardless of what Kelenic becomes for the Mariners, he won’t be a Metropolitan, and that trade will go down in New York lore as an early and egregious oversight of the Brodie Van reign. Amazing move by Dipoto to identify the new guy at the table–the fish looking to make a splash–and immediately dump his worst contract (Robinson Cano) and sell high closer (Edwin Diaz) in exchange for Kelenic, Justin Dunn, Jay Bruce, Anthony Swarzak and Gerson Bautista, who might’ve been the low totem pole piece here but could still impact Seattle’s future, and I’d like to impact Grey’s head.” Okay, not cool. So, that was Seattle’s best to get Kelenic, which sounds like the beginning of a coffee enema commercial, and the Mets’ worst, but real world trades aside, what about Kelenic for 2021 fantasy baseball or, rather…So, what can we expect from Jarred Kelenic in 2021 fantasy baseball?

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I entered into the Google search box, “Who loves Ryan Mountcastle more than me?” and it returned 5,000,000+ results that all said, “No one.” So, that sorta answered that question, huh? Gonna take a nap. *shuts eyes for five seconds, claps hands* I’m back! What did I miss? Nothing? Okay, great. So, Ryan Mountcastle just missed losing rookie eligibility this year, according to me, maybe not in reality. Confused? Alanis screaming, “You oughta know!” But since you might not, check out my Sixto Sanchez 2021 fantasy. Clickbait? Only if you clicked it! This past year, Mountcastle, as played by David Tennant, looked like a professional hitter. Vomit. I know. It’s a terribly overused phrase. They’re all professional, so dur! Also, “terribly overused phrase” is a terribly overused phrase. But Mountcastle really lit the nethers on fire with his patience and line-driving producing stroke. Billy Squier calls that The Stroke, and I agree. No BS from BS. Now that Mountcastle was called up the Orioles — finally! — they have no excuse to not play him. Will they still find an excuse? *makes Michael Scott grimace face* I hope not, but they are a dumber bird franchise than Chick-Fil-A and not nearly as delicious. I, honestly, seriously, interjectionly, would be shocked if the O’s weren’t relabeled the Baltimore Baseball Club, shortened to BBC, and renewed Mountcastle for an early-April 2021 premiere. However, if there’s any way to manipulate service time by keeping him down until mid-April, the BBC will do it. So, what can we expect from Ryan Mountcastle for 2020 fantasy baseball?

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In my Jo Adell fantasy, I was worried about his strikeouts this year. His strikeouts were a poop emoji giving a speech about how it will never poop itself again knowing that it will never be able to keep that promise. My Dylan Carlson fantasy is not concerned with his less-than-ideal batting average or Ks from last year. Carlson had a 29.4% K% and hit .200 in 110 ABs, but that just doesn’t jive with anything in his minor league numbers. Back up the Hit Tool narrative or gee tee eff oh, you hear me, boy? And ‘boy’ I mean the narrative. Sorry to gender it, but when something’s being dumb, it’s prolly a male, let’s be honest. Unless it’s my wife, then–I kid! Hayzeus Cristo, you trying to get me divorced? What the hell, my dude? You trying to cuck me out of my Cougar?

So, Carlson’s strikeouts last year, just don’t extend any narrative I see from him, and instead feel like this year can be thrown out, and we can go back to his absolutely gorgeous previous year in the minors where he hit 26 homers, stole 20 bags and hit near .300 with a close to 21% strikeout rate, between Double and Triple-A. Also, his walk rate in the minors was solid, and it was not last year. Last year was two months and just needs to be ignored for Carlson. Cards’ season started and stopped more than your ’89 Corolla, then Carlson was sent down to the alternate training site randomly in the middle of the season, when he wasn’t hitting well through a whole 79 plate appearances. Only for him to return, and end the year hitting cleanup in the playoffs. Cards were either without a plan or unable to execute after they kept pulling short straws. If you wanna talk silly sample sizes, Carlson hit .318 with a homer in the final week, and was the Cards’ best hitter by the end of the year. So put that in your dumb narrative and read it to your children! Anyway, what can we expect from Dylan Carlson for 2021 fantasy baseball?

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In 85 major league at-bats, Ke’Bryan Hayes hit five homers, stole a bag and hit .376. That roughly translates to 645 homers, and 129 steals while hitting .376 in an equally productive 20-year career. Hard to argue he’s not a 1st ballot Hall of Famer.

You, a wet-under-the-collar-with-scurvy Pirates fan, “He still wouldn’t be the best player to come out of Pittsburgh. Hello, Barry Bonds.”
Me, a world-weary-peg-leg-having Pirates fan, “Bonds wasn’t a 1st ballot Hall of Famer. The Man stopped that from happening.”

Hey, they’re The Man, I simply live in The Man’s World. “If everyone left a penny, but didn’t take a penny, the jar to hold the pennies would need to be the size of the Silverdome, and be renamed the Copper-Plated Zinc Pennydome.” Not now, Mr. Prorater. “Oh, so you can prorate out Ke’Bryan Hayes’s stats, but I can’t prorate out a very simply equation. Cool, cool.” Well, whether you want to believe me, Mr. Prorater or Ke’Bryan Hayes’s September debut–Actually, that last one did happen, but is it real and repeatable? That’s what we have to figure out. Is it sustainable like this salmon I’m eating out of my lap to avoid waste. Don’t worry, I’m wearing plastic pants. If you forgot, here are the four highest OPS for major league players’ debut months since 1901: Yasiel Puig (hey whatever happened to this guy?) with 1.180; Albert Pujols in 2001 with 1.171; Rhys Hoskins in 2017 with 1.149 and Ke’Bryan Hayes with 1.144. Not bad company, but not Bad Company by Bad Company. So, what can we expect from Ke’Bryan Hayes for 2021 fantasy baseball?

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On July 16th of this godforsaken year, Julio Rodriguez suffered a hairline fracture of his wrist. Why? Because 2020 was the year no one saw coming, hindsight be damned. Pack up your suitcases and move in with your most charitable, rich relative, we’ll come out of this thing at some point in the future. Wake me up then, ‘kay? A wrist fracture feels like the end of the story for 2021, as well. Julio Rodriguez is 19 years old. Losing a year of development, puts him behind the eight ball, as they say in pool halls. Take a year to get back to where he was this year, and get back to me. I’m living with my rich cousin who invented the app that skips ahead of the personal stories on all recipe blogs. Unless Julio Rodriguez is a *whispers* phenom. *checks notes, slowly raises head, eyes watery* He is a…dot dot dot…dramatic pause…big gulp…orders again, “Can I get a Big Gulp?” Sorry, I’m typing this up at 7-11. Yes, he’s a phenom! Oh, yeah, Julio Rodriguez is a phenom. He. Is. A. Phenom. Yes, the one-word douchey sentences. On Prospect Itch’s top 100 fantasy baseball prospects in redraft leagues, Julio Rodriguez was 3rd overall. He would’ve been my number one rookie coming into 2021 fantasy baseball, if I had any faith in the Mariners promoting Julio Rodriguez to start the season. My biggest concern is playing time. Otherwise, he’s a lock. There’s at least a 50% chance Juli-Rodrigu (what friends call him) keeps his prospect status for 2022 and I’m back here at this time next year saying he’s the best rookie going into next season which will be two seasons from now, and not confusing at all. So, what can we expect from Julio Rodriguez for 2021 fantasy baseball?

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There will be many people screaming that Jo Adell is no longer a rookie, and to those people I say, “Stop screaming, I think you’re right,” but by my own admission in my Sixto Sanchez fantasy, I explained I was going by old rookie eligibility rules, because the new ones for just this season were confusing as all get-out. For our purposes, Jo Adell had 130 or less at-bats, so welcome to the resistance (to actual rookie eligibility). And, if porpoises are reading, I want to go on record as saying I never enjoyed Sea World. They’re popcorn was always stale. Never the hoo! Jo Adell, or as I like to call him, last year’s Randy Arozarena. Can y’all remember back to last year when we were like Jo Adell or Mike Trout, which do you prefer? And half of us were like, “Hee-haw! I want Jo Adell!” That aged like a fine cheddar that is stored between your toes. Adell’s season was not, how do I say, good. He went 9/3/7/.161 in 124 ABs. Glad he got those growing pains out of the way, huh? This reminds me of what a wise man named Grey Albright once said, “These prospects, huh?” Ah, no truer words have been said. It is pretty funny how we think we know what we’re getting, yet no one knows anything. Funny, funny stuff. So, what can we expect from Jo Adell in 2021 fantasy baseball?

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