(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)

C’mon. What are we doing here, fellas and five girl readers? Corey Dickerson and Paul DeJong are blocking Nolan Gorman from being called up? Is this serious? Co-Dick and Colonel Mustard sounds like cojoined twins playing Clue with two candlesticks, so to speak. They’re not blocking Nolan Gorman, right? Because that’s what I was hearing, but my ears and I stopped speaking when I questioned them about this information. “Stop looking away and answer me! Is that what you’re hearing?!” That’s me interrogating my ears. My ears got real silent after that. Nolan Gorman who has 40-homer power right now? That Nolan Gorman? Is it Golan Norman still in the minors and Nolan Gorman was already called up? Is that what happened, and I didn’t hear it because of the falling out I had with my ears? Someone explain what we’re doing here. Here, not hear. I can’t do that without my ears! On Prospect Itch’s Prospect Stash List, he put some shine on Gorman.

Here’s what Itch said previously, “The fair-haired boy in this system since his noisy draft season, Nolan Gorman breathed some spice into his dynasty stock by sliding over to second base and popping 25 home runs in 125 games across two levels, slashing .279/.333/.481 by reducing his strikeout rate early and adding power later in the year as the K-rate kept dropping all the way down to 19.2 percent after a 31.7% rate back in 2019 at High-A. I’d also like to cut Grey.” What the heck, dude? This year Gorman has 10 HRs as he hits near-.350 in Triple-A in 66 at-bats. Again, I am asking you what are we doing here. He should’ve been called up already. Don’t let the double candlesticks on the Clue board prospblock him. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sun beating down across a desert landscape. Sweat beading from my forehead. I lift a thermos to my face and spray my face with liquid to freshen myself. “I think I just sprayed my face with urine,” I say to no one, because no one is around. A mirage from the sand rises; it’s Pegasus. The horsey with wings kneels in front of me so I can get on. Pegasus turns to me and says, “I need to get you to an internet cafe so you can put Ronald Acuña Jr. in your lineup.” Thank you, Pegasus! Thank you, Ronald Acuña Jr.! Thank you, Tildaddy! Okay, now I’m just singing that crappy Alanis song, Thank you. I really needed Acuña (1-for-5, 1st and 2nd steal, hitting leadoff). Now stay on the field, Tildaddy says it’s October! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Sum of All Fears with rookie pitchers is they will do things to you that you never want done. Things Alec Baldwin, Harrison Ford, Ben Affleck and Jim from The Office would try to stop by running and screaming through a Washington landmark, while diving for a helicopter that is lifting off. In the Ryanverse, Joe Jack Ryan and Joe Exotic should never interact, but here they are. Spies are taking shortcuts trying to get Tigers into the country from Bengal to sell them to finance a far-off arms deal with a rebel army in Latin America that is illegally trying to take down a corrupt government. Joe Jack Ryan is exactly who you want because of his command of the strike zone, and what it means to be an American. “Sell those tigers if the price is right. We’re running tigers for arms,” a corrupt CIA agent says to an actor that looks like a Latin Phil Hartman. But what they don’t know is Joe Jack Ryan is actually hiding inside of one of the Tigers, having taken them down himself in Minnesota. Any hoo! Joe Ryan went 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.17, as he does exactly what I was hoping when I told you in the preseason, “In the big picture/pitcher, he’s about the command, and it’s as beautiful as advertised. The zone% on his pitches would’ve been 45.9%, or 5th in the league if he qualified (in 2021). Obviously, he didn’t qualify because he only was in the league for 26 2/3 IP. By the way, in those MLB innings, he had 10.1 K/9, 1.7 BB/9, 0.79 WHIP (!!!), and a 3.43 FIP. Bit too in the Zone% because he gave up a few homers, but those numbers are ace-like. I wouldn’t expect better peripherals from Shane Bieber as far as K/9 and BB/9. 10+ and 1+ absolutely works. And by “works,” I mean it f*cks. Rookie pitchers are the devil incarnate with their blowups, but Joe Ryan has the makings of a ‘safe’ rookie starter, due to his command.” And that’s me quoting me! Hopefully, Joe Jack Ryan is wearing a giant bird suit next week when he takes down the Orioles. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Above Yankee Stadium last night was a transparent cherub, sitting on the clouds — rosy cheeks, belly full of gabagool, Italian flag wife beater shirt. It was the one and only American actor, James Gandolfini, and next to him was the American actress, Nancy Marchand, who famously played his mother. Together, they smiled down on the Italian stallions, Joey Gallo, who went 1-for-4, and his 1st homer; Aaron Judge, whose name ends in a vowel, went 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and Anthony Rizzo who went 3-for-4, 4 runs, 6 RBIs, 6th, 7th, and 8th homers, because last night the Yankees went ayo whaddya know bada bing bada boom. Though, Rizzo went bada bing bada boom bada bing bada boom bada bing bada boom. The three bada bing bada booms were previously reserved for guys from Staten Island and celebrated on special occasions like a baptism or when someone buys a Corvette. So far, Anthony Rizzo’s year couldn’t be coming at a better place for a true Zombino. The short porch was made for him. First, the Yankees Letter, then Anthony Rizzo’s 3-homer night. Not since Babe Ruth homered the night he torched his house with his lovely wife inside, have the Yankees had such a roller coaster day. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

At one point, the Brewers’ color man, Bill Schroeder said, “Looks effortless, doesn’t it?” And no truer thing has been said. The next closest truest thing is when I said, “It would almost be worth being on death row for a crime you didn’t commit, just to have your life VO’d by Dateline’s Keith Morrison.” Brewers’ pitching coaches make everyone better — they turned Eric Lauer into 1986 Roger Clemens — but when they have something to work with, like Corbin Burnes (6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.75)? Well, then the entire enterprise is firing on all cylinders. Just an absolute joy to watch. Sure, I don’t draft top starters, but I appreciate them just the same. 26 swings and misses, best of the season. Unfair cutters? Oh, he had some of those. Filthy curves? He threw some of those too. Elevated 97 MPH fastballs? Yeah, there were those too. Didn’t really understand in the preseason when people were drafting starters high, but even more confounding were the people drafting starters before Burnes. He is the best starter in baseball. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In November, White Sox front office contacts Eloy Jimenez to discuss his offseason conditioning, and he’s like, “Conditioning? Yeah, of course, I’m doing offseason conditioning,” then he looks in the mirror in his shower and smiles, hair filled with conditioner. Eloy Jimenez gets himself ready for each game with a very special pregame warm-up. He warms up and opens a button on his shirt. Warms up more, and opens another button. I was curious why Statcast said Eloy Jimenez’s exit velocity was “one to three weeks into each season,” but now I see what they meant. Seriously, though, what is going on?! Last year, he jumped for a home run ball that was 75 feet past his reach, and knocked himself out for months, and this weekend he strains his hamstring by running like an absolute madman through 1st base. Someone needs to pull him aside and be like, “Yo, my main man, you’re here to swing hard and hit homers. You can’t run fast, you don’t have Inspector Gadget arms to catch home runs. Just swing hard. That’s it.” I love this guy so much and he causes me so much pain. Almost as much pain as he causes himself. So, he will be out for six to eight weeks, and Tony La Russa will still find reasons to bench Andrew Vaughn! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)

So the other day I was talking about how Joe Maddon was only playing Tyler Wade and Taylor Ward because it would confuse people into thinking they were in a sequel to Multiplicity and no one would be able to focus on trying to get them out, but, while I was saying that, I called them, Tyler Ward and Taylor Wade, and not one person corrected me in the comments, and y’all always be correcting me. See, I can’t even keep them straight. I’d attest Taylor Ward and Tyler Wade are the most confusing player names to ever be on the same team. They are more confusing than all of the Luis Garcias, because at least the Luis Garcias are all the same name. Taylor Wade and Tyler Ward–damn it! I did it again!–are so confusing, that their jerseys have the first two initials on the back before the last name, but their last names are not the same! The Taylor/Tyler Conundrum! Or rather the Twangel Dee And Twangel Conundrum! What if they don’t exist–Or what if they both exist but give different stats? Schrödinger’s Categories? Taylor Wade–Ward is your garden variety 25/2/.270 middle-of-the-order hitter. Your brand new version of Jared Walsh. Maddon also seems to love him, playing him every day in a good lineup position. Or he’s confused, and really loves Tyler Ward–Wade! He’s a 20+ steals middle infielder, who makes decent contact. Imagine David Fletcher. Now, forget him and picture someone with a name similar to Taylor Ward–Wade! No! Wait, Ward! I was right! I think. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Jazz Chisholm Jr. (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer) was moved back to the leadoff spot. Whatever was worked out between Jazz and Don Mattingly was worked out behind closed doors. There’s no way of knowing. What happened, if I had to guess, was Jazz said to Don, “I’m sorry for drawing a mustache on all the photos of you around the clubhouse. The Rollie Fingers-curl was especially inconsiderate. I still think your machismo is being undersold clean-shaven, but I respect your opinion.” Then Don replied, “And I’m sorry I said your parents have no taste for naming you after the worst Ken Burns doc.” Then later on, Jazz heard someone named John, thought it sounded too much like Don, and said this:

So, the Jazz drama’s prolly not done yet. I’ll admit to maybe being too reactionary about Jazz being a Sell in the 1st week because he was hitting 9th, and I’m glad Don came to his senses. Also, in this game, Jesus Sanchez (2-for-3, 3 runs and his 3rd homer), hit his third homer, and looks every bit of the sleeper I called him to be in the preseason. Speaking of sleepers, Rudy tells me the title means P = Pablo, Js = Jesus and Jazz. Mmmkay, and the Pablo Lopez (7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.52) I was very worried about in the preseason looked as good as the Rodon and Kershaw, who I was equally worried about. It’s a long season though, and it’s not exactly actionable to say Pab-Lo will just get hurt, but, well, that was the concern with his shoulder. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Shohei Ohtani went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.40, and 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, and is that one of the best single game performances of all-time? Yes. So commonplace from Ohtani that it’s become expected? Also, yes. He’s just so good always, that it’s kinda like a pimp’s favorite phrase, ho-hum. What more can you say? I can’t do a lede for Ohtani after every one of his extraordinary performances, because they’re going to happen once a week. Is he one of the greatest players ever? Yes. What’s truly remarkable and shows you how incredible he is: He’s on a team with a top 20 hitter of all-time and he’s made people forget about Mike Trout. Making Mike Trout obsolete on Mike Trout’s team? That is truly extraOhtaniary. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Max Fried went into the House That Sandy Koufax Built, during Passover, and hid the Afikoman from the Dodgers for 7 innings. For you gentiles who don’t know what an Afikoman is, imagine I was accidentally misspelling the rapper Afroman’s name and you were playing hide and seek with him. That’s an Afikoman. *stares at the ceiling* Damn, I thought balloons would fall if I made the first mention ever of a Afikoman on a fantasy sports site. No luck there, I guess the Hebrews didn’t pay for the balloons! Rarely do I make two straight ledes from the same series. From Freeman to Fried, man. From a guy who looks like he has teeth made of wax to Max. From a guy who abandoned his Atlanta roots to a guy who hears often, “Why don’t you call more?” Max Fried went 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.50. I suppose it’s harder to hit an unleavened ball. Nice to see Fried bounce back from his last two meh outings, but this is why I keep telling you to be patient. We really have no idea about anyone yet. Even Max Fried was able to go from meh to mensch. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Freddie Freeman (1-for-3, 2 runs and 1st homer) wasted no time making the Braves regret the way they treated him this offseason. First at-bat, Freddie Freeman stepped towards the box, but first he asked to see the mic the umps use to announce the bad calls they make to the crowds. Freeman leaned into the mic and said, “Tell Acuña it’s mutual, I don’t like him either,” then took the 2nd pitch of the at-bat to deep left, the oppo taco as they call it in Mexico, and his first home run of the year was tagged. As he sashayed across the plate, he snapped and said, “Braves ain’t gettin’ none of this.” Snap! Speaking of which, what do you call every image of Freddie Freeman? Tooth pics. Take it, Highlights! It’s yours! Freeman sure has some teeth, right? The molar the merrier with that guy. Stop stop, he’s got fillings too! Okay, I will stop reading bad joke posters at a kiddie dentist now. So many games were postponed, but some still to go over, tooth be told. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

What transpired this preseason: Coolwhip reached out to me to see if I was going to write a Nestor Cortes sleeper, because he liked him and wanted to write one. I said, “Nah, I don’t think I’m going to write one, but I like him too!” What Coolwhip didn’t know, what no one could’ve known, I hadn’t looked at Nestor Cortes at all. I said I liked him because Coolwhip said he liked him. Then I waited for Coolwhip to give us his Nestor Cortes sleeper, and, after he did, I said, “Yeah, exactly, that’s what I would’ve wrote too!” Stats and image provided by Coolwhip:

“(M)ain thing to note is in 2021 Nestor started 14 games. Before that, he had only started a grand total of… (carry the 1… multiply by square root…) 2 games. 2 games, that’s it. So this was a bit of a new foray for him. It’s not often that you go from the pen to starting and your numbers improve drastically. Not just a little mind you; but by every conceivable measure, he got better. His K-rate went up, BB-rate went down, and he cut home runs in half while suppressing hard contact and limiting runners.”

Nestor did this by scrapping the sinker and curve, and replacing them with a cutter. Also, he varies his release point a lot, like nearly every pitch. I half expect him to throw right-handed occasionally. Yesterday, Nestor Cortes (5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 0.00) threw an immaculate 4th inning, and changed his release on nearly every pitch. This is magic:

In 9 1/3 IP this year, Nestor Cortes has 17 Ks. That’s in two starts, or one Nolan Ryan start. Pardon me while I put my eyes back in my head. Nestor Cortes’s 16.4 K/9, 0.96 BB/9 and -0.26 FIP is pretty good, if you’re lacking for adjectives. You really have to be impressed with Nestor so far this year, he’s looking as brilliant as me blindly agreeing with Coolwhip. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?