My barber plucks a gray hair out. I explain, “That one I call ‘Jordan Walker 2024.'” Barber plucks out another gray hair. “That’s Jordan Walker 2025.” Barber points to a full gray beard. “Those are individual games. Jordan Walker game one, Jordan Walker game two, Jordan Walker–You get the point, you don’t need me to list them all.” I point to my chewed-up fingernails and begin to count off each nail, “Jordan Walker sleeper post one, sleeper post two, sleeper–Actually, this bitten-down nail is Nolan Jones.” So, we’ve been here before! You don’t need to remind me. I have the stress-scars to prove it! There was a reason why we (I) always loved Jordan Walker. If he could just swing up, he would be a terror. We’re talking a swing adjustment and an immediate 35/15/.280 hitter. He has that kind of upside and is worth grabbing everywhere just in case his trip to Driveline this offseason fixed him. The early results are encouraging. [spits blood into a bucket] Sorry, ulcer. That I call ‘Adalberto Mondesi.’ Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Dillon Dingler – You ever sit in the last row of a Tigers game and dress in a poop emoji with Dillon’s Dinglers? Then you have not lived.
Liam Hicks – It’s the CCR (catchers minus Cal Raleigh) and they’re hot to start the year. Up around the bend is when Hicks likely when he’ll go cold.
Luke Raley – Grab him off waivers and say to yourself, “Luke, you are my waiver wire fodder,”then snort to yourself.
Nolan Schanuel – Could this be the breakout we’ve all* been waiting on for years? P to the erhaps! *’We’ve all’ might be a small stretch. Him, his family, maybe two Angels fans, not really all, so to speak.
Jake Bauers – When he’s sitting vs. lefties, the Brewers should tie him up in a chair with a ticking time bomb under his seat in the dugout and do a tie-in with 24 reruns on FX. See, I’m a bit of a marketing genius.
Jake Burger – There’s a run on Jakes this week! Get your Jakes! Forget it, Jake, it’s Jaketown!
Cole Young – Here’s the thing about the guys in the Buy column for the whole year, they’re hot. If you need me to say, “ is hot,” then I fear you’re in the wrong place. Trust me, if I’m listing a guy in this Buy column who I think needs explanation, you will get an explanation. As for Young, yes, was hot, but also, and this goes for Brady House, Cam Smith, Jordan Walker, and Schanuel in just this post, these guys had prospect pedigree. Schanuel was an expected .280 hitter; Young is only 22, and hit everywhere in the minors; House had 70-grade power, and Walker and Smith were expected to be stars.
Jose Fernandez – Here’s what I said this other day, “Man, a Jose Fernandez playing baseball still bums me out. Somewhere, Dee Gordon just walked onto a Little League field, excused one kid from hitting, grabbed his bat and hit a home run off a 12-year-old. Could Jose Fernandez Wally Pipp Arenado? I doubt it, but he could take over for Ildemaro Vargas or Carlos Santana if he hits. He went 17/12/.272 with 20.4 K% in Double-A as a 21-year-old last year and doesn’t seem at all capable of MLB hitting, but maybe pitchers won’t know him and he catches on for a while. Two homers in a debut makes me want to try him everywhere, if being honest. He’s at least worth a deeper mixed league grab.” And that’s me quoting me!
Colt Emerson – Prolly not far off after getting 95 millies.
Max Muncy – The good Muncy! The NoCal Muncy! The don’t-sweat-the-small-stuffies Muncy.
Nasim Nunez – Nasim will be broadcasting over 150 Red Sox games all year, and giving steals from the Nats.
David Hamilton – SAGNOF never looked so pretty, even without a face.
Joey Ortiz – From Jakkers two years ago, “Joey Ortiz will stick in the majors because of his ability to put the bat on the ball and control the strike zone. In the minors he had a career strikeout rate of 17% with a 9% walk rate. During his brief major league career his strikeout rate is 19.8% with an 11% walk rate. Those numbers are even better this season as the strikeout rate is at 17.8% and the walk rate has jumped to 14%.” Wouldn’t quote it if not still applicable, so please appliqué!
Brady House – Here’s a story of Brady House, a prospect no one wanted who had 30+ homer power…And that 70’s reference has me realizing something…Were the Bradys a not-yet-filmed Dateline episode? Did they murder their first spouses? Did the kids ever mention their first dad or mom? What kind of gruesome show was that? I have questions, y’all!
Dominic Canzone – Gonna keep saying his name until I’m blue in the face, he says as he wears a white hat and people confuse him with a Smurf.
Matt Wallner – Just looked at his stats (as I do for all of these players), and he looks like a 25-homer, .205 hitter. Not sure what happened to the guy who used to hit .250 in part-time–Oh, I see. Maybe he shouldn’t face lefties. [looks at his splits]…or righties. Any hoo! He has power.
Joey Wiemer – He hit .203 in the minors last year as a 26-year-old. I am hooting and hollering in grunts that only Chris Shelton can understand. Son just gave you his Joey Wiemer fantasy, which I don’t fully agree with, but you can read it. A ringing endorsement!
Cam Smith – His bat speed was standout in the spring amongst all players, and I meant to mention it earlier in the year, but, yeah, it’s early enough.
Kyle Isbel – Call him Kyle Isbel Sanford because his hot streak is making me Weezy! [dodges a thrown tomato] What?
Jorge Soler – Wouldn’t be shocked to see him get back to being a 25-homer hitter. Would I bank on it? No, my Wells Fargo doesn’t take random fantasy predictions, does yours?
Simeon Woods Richardson – This is a Streamonator call like the call it makes to its therapist.
Michael Soroka – This is also a Streamonator call. “I was at Whole Foods the other day and someone thought I was a Coinstar machine putting nickels in my butt.”
Paul Sewald – Not gonna keep listing closers who are rostered in under 50% of leagues like Clayton Beeter, for unstints. Even if I could have a lot of fun with the name Beeter, like Reese McGuire in an empty parking lot.
Jordan Romano – When he’s taking a pic, and someone says, “Say cheese,” you think he says his last name? Makes ya think, huh?
Riley O’Brien – Stanek stank. Not good. JoJo no-go in the 9th, so ROB ‘n savin’ like Robin Hood with a 401K.
Lucas Erceg – Wouldn’t be shocked to see Erceg just get 30 saves this year and Estevez become one of the biggest busts. Estevez was one of my most rostered players, so it does not feel great saying this. In fact (Grey’s got more), it hurts!
Bryan King – Am I just excited to have Jake Burger and Bryan King on my fantasy team so I can name my team, Have It Your Way? Yeah, maybe, but I also don’t trust Bryan Abreu right now. The Astros do seem to want Abreu to be the closer, until Hader returns.
Keaton Winn – Is he the Giants closer? I don’t know. Do I care? Well, actually, yes. It could still be Ryan Walker, but it’s hard to tell. His Thursday night usage was weird, but the manager, after quoting Kanye lyrics, said Walker was used in the 6th because he liked the matchup. Managers be thinkin’.
Cole Sands – Can you say Cole Sands without hearing J. Cole in your head? Then, congrats, you are better than me. Want a cookie? Well, you can’t have one! My guess is the Twins won’t stick with anyone as a closer all year because Derek Shelton is one of the dumbest people on the planet and shouldn’t be managing a troupe of six-year-olds putting on a sock puppet play of Three Little Piggies.
Matt Strahm – Yes, the 2nd Royals’ reliever, but this isn’t about saves. This is your one middle reliever add of the week that I promise to you each week, unless I forget. I do wonder if he’s not acting as some sorta distraction for Pasquantino and Caglianone. Matt tossing a ball in the pen, talking to himself, “This is my Strahm…bally.” Cut to Pasquantino and Caglianone drooling.
SELL
Mike Trout – Listen, I do think Mike Trout, a guy who is 13% water and 87% cortisone shots, can dive haphazardly in the outfield and swipe bags and turn back the clock to when he was a 25-year-old. Sure. And I have a bridge in Anaheim to sell you that’s called the Bobby Grich Causeway Bridge and it should be a Hall of Fame bridge but no one’s ever heard of it. I do not wish to be the Wet Blanket Guy. I get no pleasure from being WBG, but Mike Trout staying healthy has zero chance of happening on Grey’s Prediction Market. You can also bet whether your uncle’s gonna plotz on Grey’s Prediction Market, and we won’t investigate if its mysterious circumstances. I wouldn’t trade Mike Trout for a custom-fitted brown lunch bag to go over your head, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
