“I should have four remotes.” That’s Mark Whiten as he clicks on his TV remote, and breaks it because of his strength. He was going to check out, Alex Dickerson (5-for-6, 5 runs, 6 RBIs and his 5th, 6th and 7th homer, hitting .261) to make sure Dickerson didn’t hit four ding-dongs in one game like Hard Hittin’ Mark Whiten. For some reason, I’m hearing Lil Wayne sing, “She Alex Dickerson,” and it’s making me horny as my daydreams dance to Alex Dickerson actually on any of my fantasy teams. Take a lap around your desk on your office rolly chair if you were one of the 1.9% who owned Dickerson last night. You’re living right. If you’re a time traveler who came back to a pandemic just to roster Alex Dickerson for one game, then you are an absolute nutbag, but props. Also, in this game, everyone had bazinga glory, except Jon Gray (2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.69). Between him and Sonny Gray, I might take my cue, and not go outside the rest of the week. Brandon Crawford went 3-for-6, 3 runs, 6 RBIs with a slam (4) and legs (1), hitting .280. “I’m drunk, man.” “Yeah, you’re on a Bra-Craw.” Also, Donovan Solano went 4-for-6, 2 runs, 6 RBIs, as he hits .345. Donovan then sang, “It’s the Season of the Pitch, but not for you Rockies.” Yes, there were three guys in the Giants’ lineup with 6 RBIs. Wait…666…And you can’t spell San Francisco Giants without Satan. AHHH!!! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Mike Clevinger and Greg Allen were traded to the Padres for Gabe Arias, Cal Quantrill, Joey Cantillo, Owen Miller, Austin Hedges, and Josh Naylor. Cleveland will be melting together Quantrill, Arias, Cantillo, Hedges, Naylor and Miller to form one super player, Johnny Q. Baseball who can catch, pitch middle relief and hit .215. Cleveland Indians’ GM said, “I have one rule, that’s Rule 5.” Before Clevinger can leave town, Zach Plesac will be planning a blow out going away party that no one is to know about. It will be at Carlos N’ Suzie’s, a downtown Cleveland favorite known for tequila and heating up Totino’s pizza rolls. Can’t wait for the postseason redemption story of Mike Clevinger ginned up by Fox where he does no actual apologizing for anything, but pitches well for six innings and gets some flashy graphics and wild hyperbole. So, Clevinger going to the Padres is obviously a huge boon for his value if boon means what I think it means. Let’s assume it does or at least makes sense within context clues. Everyone the Indians got? Useless for this year, but I’m sure Prospect Itch or Hobbs will go over the prospects at some point. Only downside I can see for this trade is it might actually be lowering Chris Paddack’s value, because now the Sheriff will have to spend all waking hours policing to make sure Clevinger doesn’t do anything stupid. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Trevor Rosenthal and Mitch Moreland were traded to the Padres. Here’s what the Padres are saying to the major leagues: We are your father. Going the other way was Edward Olivares, and some prospects. The hug at the airport when Franchy Cordero sees Edward Olivares will be priceless. “What kind of things are there to do in Kansas City?” “Do you like jazz?” “I thought people just said they like jazz, but no one actually likes jazz.” “True.” Then after a brief pause, “Do the Royals let you play?” “Nah, they have Alex Gordon.” As for Rosenthal, he goes to a place with no set closer, and they will win some games. Rosenthal could be a top 10 closer the rest of the way, or he blows up his 1st game, and Drew Pomeranz is the closer again, or Emilio Pagan. For now, I’d put Rosenthal, Pomeranz then Pagan, as the pecking order. In KC, I’d look at Greg Holland, Scott Barlow or Josh Staumont, that order, but with limited chances. Oh, and Jesse Hahn, who got the save on Saturday, is there and he had an affair with Reverend Jim Bakker. Finally, Mitch Moreland, well, nothing really changes for him, or the main Padres hitters. The DH gave the Padres more room to play with, and they got Moreland. He can hit it out of any stadium, and he enters a better lineup. Did I just say the Padres’ lineup is better than a Red Sox lineup? Yup, welcome to 2020 and back from your coma! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY YESTERDAY ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $5/MONTH.)

Is it already time for my Jonathan Schoop pickup post this year? Geez, time does fly. Like your mother! What does that mean? I thought I heard she was a flight attendant. If not, I’m so sorry. Like your mother! What? I thought I heard she was very polite and always said sorry. Guess she’s a terrible person. My bad, was trying to be nice. So, Schoop, rhymes with dope, not Shoop, Shoop-e-doop. Uh, here I go, here I go, here I go again. Five girl readers, what’s my weakness? Men (who play baseball)! Damn it! I promised myself I wouldn’t make any allusions to Salt-N-Pepa. By the way, George Clooney has really nice hair. What color is it? SALT AND PEPPER! God damn it! Okay, so Schoop has cut his Ks (minimally), but is hitting better than usual with a much flatter swing. Considering how much he would loft the ball vs. now? I think he can get power and average with his new swing. Maybe call it the New Jonathan Swing — Tony! Toni! Tone! says Feels Good! If nothing else, Schoop is worth rostering because he’s A) Not rostered in nearly enough leagues. B) Showing off a new swing that’s working for him, and is around a top 10 2nd baseman on our Player Rater. C) There’s no C. D) There was no C, why would there be a D? E) Grumbles F) Me, stop listing letters! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s trade deadline season already? It feels like the season just started. Well, sometimes one’s feels are the correct feels, and sometimes one’s feels are the type of feels that have you on a first date snorting through tears that your daddy never hugged you. Today, I’m having the right feels. This feels weird. The season just started and teams are buyers and sellers. This is all so nuts. We will never see another season like this in our lifetime (barring a strike, then we might see this in 18 months). Never again will the league sit out for Covid. Even if there’s an outbreak next year with no vaccine, teams will just go into bubble mode in March. This past year happened because people didn’t know what they didn’t know. The ‘what we know now stuff’ is the Mariners sent Taijuan Walker to the Buffalo Bleu Jays. A better team is a greater than symbol, but ballpark A doesn’t equal ballpark B. This isn’t a great move for Walker to Buffalo’s Wild Winds, but there’s only about six starts left for pitchers, so Streamonator. I do think Taijuan Walker has become a fascinating name for 2021. His 8.3 K/9, 2.7 BB/9 are back up to where he was pre-Tommy John (surgery, not underwear), and back then he was a 3.50-ish ERA pitcher. That was in an easier league, but also a bad park. He becomes a free agent this offseason, so we’ll see where he is pitching next year, but I’m way more interested in him now vs. later. Yum, those candies were good! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welp, wasn’t expecting to be writing this lede today. I had gone over Ian Anderson already writing, “Expected to be called up. I already own him in one NL-Only league. *drops ass, twerks nasty-like, someone enters to TikTok me and I let them not expecting that to ever come back to haunt me* Would I own Anderson in a mixed league? Well…His command looks a little suspect and that could lead to a huge blow up and I’m not really interested in that in mixed leagues yet. Long-term for keepers? I’d guess he’s owned, or your league is shallow. He was on Itch’s top 150 dynasty pitchers, right behind Kyle Wright, who just did bad stuff to one of my teams, and I could see the same from Anderson.” And that’s me quoting me! Then, yesterday happened: 6 IP, 1 hit, 1 ER, 2 walks, 6 Ks, holding the Yankees hitless in 5 1/3 IP. Guess I have to dig in deeper. He was working a 96 MPH fastball, and a 87 MPH change, which had hitters off-balance. The arm speed looked to devastate Yankees’ hitters trying to pick up the change. It is apparently his best pitch. Appeared to be. He also has a solid curve that drops from above the zone into the bye-bye-thanks-for-playing. Don’t think his command is all the way there, but I’m interested now in mixed leagues vs. before yesterday’s game. See, I’m not as Thick as a Brick, Ian Anderson. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Lucas Giolito was the first White Sox pitcher to get a no hitter and rack up ten-plus Ks, going 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 walk, 13 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.09. And you didn’t think he was an ace that you should draft as your 1st starter! *screams at the heavens* REDEMPTION! Crap, I think I just hurt my back. Okay, the Pirates’ lineup was hilariously bad. They didn’t have one hitter with an OBP over .300. No need to bring in a defensive replacement for the White Sox outfield. Go ahead and put your glove away, DeWayne Wise. “Aw shucks.” That’s DeWayne. I turned the game on for the 9th, and I more just wanted to see a social distancing no-hitter celebration. Something akin to Don Larsen jumping into Yogi’s arms, and Yogi sidestepping him to put on a mask and Don skidding on his butt. But that wasn’t the case. We had our first good thing of 2020. Dot dot dot. Until Eloy Jimenez looked like he got hurt in the celebration. “You thought you’d get something nice?” That’s the year 2020 as it evilly cackles. You suck, 2020! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Starts quietly at first then builds, “Javy….Nagilla….Javy…Nagilla…Javy…Nagilla!” Waving napkins above my head while I’m lifted in my chair above my fantasy team, “Javy….Nagilla….Javy…Nagilla…Javy…Nagilla!” Spots someone who looks like a Rabbi with a long beard, and screams down, “Thank you, Rabbi!” The bearded man replies, “I’m Lance Lynn.” So, Javier Baez went 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 3 RBIs with his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .219. Shoot, hold on, someone is ringing my doorbell. “Oh, hey, Instacart deliveryman, I ordered the smelling salts thinking I might need them for Javier Baez, what’s your return policy?” Hopefully, this is the start of Baez hitting like a top 25 hitter, and not like every rookie the Marlins call up. I could use it. Plus, I have this chair now propped on top of my desk for the Javy Nagilla dance. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“Thinking about how I could’ve had Jose Abreu three rounds after Pete Alonso,” is what I tell the man in the plane after I say I want to parachute from the plane without a parachute. “You have anything that burns hotter than 500 degrees?” Is what I ask the grill store employee as I put charcoal briquettes down my pants as I watch Jose Abreu hit six homers in one series. “Just seeing if I can chew glass, that’s all,” which is what I say to Cougs as I bite into a water glass while thinking about El Grande Dolor hitting .322 and four home runs in a row from Saturday until Sunday. “No, I’m not cutting onions, I’m ripping my fingernails out,” which is what I say to my reflection when I think about how Jose Abreu has 11 homers and Pete Alonso hasn’t played in four days and was moved down the lineup for Dom Smith. How’s everyone else doing, that’s nice. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY YESTERDAY ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $5/MONTH.)

Every day Prospect Santa brings up fantasy prospects for all the nice boys and five girls. The naughty boys and five girls can try to figure out what they did to be deemed naughty, but we won’t be explaining designations to anyone, so that’s tough sledding if you got a naughty tag. Just know you prolly did something like wanted to drop Adalberto Mondesi or were happy Acuña got hurt because you didn’t own him. One day Prospect Santa boots an unpaid elf out of the way to reveal Cristian Pache. “The elf’s getting valuable experience, better than any paycheck or healthcare!” Wow, Prospect Santa is a bit of a jerk. Another day Prospect Santa brings up Casey Mize and leers at Mrs. Claus with lust and anger. Yo, is Prospect Santa okay in the head? So, who is next for Prospect Santa, could it be, Gavin Lux? Yes, that’s why we’re here. I’ll admit to cheating a little for who to lead with in the, uh, lede. Prospect Itch (no relation to Santa, as far as I know) recently came out with his Fantasy Baseball Prospect Stash List and I scrolled all the way down to the 2nd name. Also on that list: Pache, Mize, Skubal, K*bert– Okay, Itch is psychic; it is confirmed. Gavin Lux got a bit of a raw deal coming out of Summer Camp, being sent to the alternate training site, where they practice the ancient art of hopping on one leg and other alternate training. Lux can come up and be an immediate pickup in the shallowest of leagues. He could be a top five guy at his position in the final month-plus with a .300+ average and power, and maybe a few steals. When do we see him? I think soon, but that’s up to Prospect Santa. “Ho! Ho! Ho! You ain’t ever getting Wander Franco!” I kinda hate Prospect Santa. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?