Here’s what I wrote earlier this year, “From the journal of Jim Morrison, he wrote about an encounter he had with lizard wearing a crown of thorns that he alternated calling, Jesus Luzardo and The Luzard King. Here, I wish to transcribe Jim’s musings, ‘Today, I rode with a large Native American man to a Wawa to get some beej ferky (sic). The Native American man told me about the many lives he had lived and how he never trusted rookie pitchers. He recounted a story about how he traded all his pitchers for Chris Paddack, due to a great April in 2019. This was confusing to me, since this was 1970, but this wise Native American knew more in his head, which he covered in an Indians baseball club hat, than I’d ever know. Was this Lou Boudreau? Before we got to the Wawa, which was only three minutes away by automobile, so not sure why it was taking so long — were we lost? — the Native American man pulled over and picked up a pitchman for an insurance company which was an animated lizard. This was The Luzard King. An obvious lizard, which made it weird when it kept saying it was a gecko. The Luzard King said it had a shoulder issue early in the preseason of the 2019 season, which I had a premonition would be 38 years after my death. Also, oddly enough, I’m being fed a quote from the future from Prospect Mike about Jesus Luzardo. He will say, ‘Luzardo’s stock just continues to rise. He’s in the rarified air of ‘best pitching prospects’ now. The lefty threw 109 innings across three leagues in 2018 and posted a 129/30 strikeout-to-walk ratio. Everything is plus or better – the heater, the curve, the change, the control. He’s the total package, like the package I filled with anthrax and sent to Grey.’ Who is this Grey he speaks of? Who is Prospect Mike? Was it the peyote talking or was it something more mysterious?’ And that’s me quoting Jim Morrison quoting Prospect Mike! Don’t think Luzardo is going to be up before the All-Star Break, but now is the time to stash him. He could be a solid Middler like early Yonny. Call him Once Uponny.” And that’s me quoting me quoting Jim Morrison quoting Prospect Mike quoting me quoting–Greybot 5000 is overheating! Get me Gatorade and a cheap ace pitcher’s stats! Seriously, that was long and extra windy about Luzardo and I am so proud of myself for recounting it here. Anyway, what can we expect from Jesus Luzardo for 2020 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
I usually don’t Mr. Bungle things as badly as I Mr. Bungled Ryan Mountcastle this past year and for the first time I need to apologize. Around mid-May of nineteen after twenty, I told you to pick up Mountcastle because his promotion was imminent, then *raspberries lips* nothing. He was never promoted. He hit 25 HRs and .312 in Triple-A in 127 games, but the Orioles were stacked with major league options like Rio Ruiz, Chris Davis, Richie Martin–Wait a minute! I didn’t Mr. Bungle Ryan Mountcastle’s ETA in the majors! The Orioles filmed an episode of Botched over 162 games and forgot to promote him! This is on the O’s. I was about to take credit for messing up for the 1st time ever and, on second thought, I’m not taking credit anymore. No apologies, Eminem! No way, this is on them! Stupid O’s, which is what my Italian relatives call SpaghettiOs, for what it’s Werth. So, will Ryan Mountcastle be promoted this year? Well, with the O’s losing Breyvic Valera, they have a wide open spot for a guy with a Game of Thrones name. So, what we can expect from Ryan Mountcastle for 2020 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Seth Brown‘s minor league stats last year: *fracks fifteen hundred miles into the earth’s core, hikes down into the deepest, darkest cavern that my needless fracking created, realizes I forgot my megaphone, hikes fifteen hundred miles back up while wondering if you could frack all the way to China, when at the surface of earth, grabs a megaphone, then returns back down fifteen hundred miles, finding it an easier go this time because I’ve done the trip once before, when I reach the deepest, darkest cavern in the earth, I blow into the megaphone the world’s loudest chef’s kiss* That’s how good Seth Brown’s minor league stats are! In Triple-A, Seth Brown went 101/37/104/.297/8 in 451 ABs. El oh-*coughs dramatically and dies* Sorry to inform everyone that Grey died from black lung. He contracted it from fracking down fifteen hundred miles WHILE VAPING! He didn’t tell you about the vaping, did he? By the way, that’s totally going on my tombstone: “He didn’t tell you about the vaping?” Anyway, what can we expect from Seth Brown for 2020 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
In Double-A in eighteen after twenty, Nick Solak put up a 19/21/.282 season in 126 games like en bee dee, and would’ve likely been called up to start the year in Tampa last year, or at worst a May/June call-up, but the Rays eat prospects for breakfast and poop out (around lunchtime) guys like Joey Wendle and Daniel Robertson and Yandy Diaz and Willy Adames and Brandon Lowe and their entire lineup, so Solak (almost stutterer!) was shipped off to the Rangers, who have literally no one, for a middle reliever. This is Solak’s third team in three years, so the shine — thine? — might’ve worn off if he wasn’t a bat-first prospect to begin with — an at-first, bat-first prospect? Sure, defense is nice if, ya know, you’re trying to put together a real baseball team, but, luckily for us, we’re not billionaires (yeah, baby!) and we don’t have to put together a team that can field as well as hit, unless you’re in a Benjamin Netanyahu league, in which case be wary of Solak. So, what can we expect from Nick Solak in 2020 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
I must admit my brain is slightly damaged because I see that Dylan Carlson plays for the Cardinals and I think of Harrison Bader and thank u, next. So, let’s get the elephant out of the room first and talk to our contractors about why they made the doorway big enough for the elephant to begin with, but no nightlight by our bed so we can read. Dylan Carlson isn’t Harrison Bader. No one is Bader, according to his 23 and Me profile; he’s a special snowflake. In 2017, Bader went 20/15/.283 in Triple-A and last year Carlson went 21/18/.281 in Double-A. I told you, huge difference! *long gulp, pulls on collar, sweat trickles* Okay, so maybe there’s so similarities? Bader actually has quote-unquote more speed than Carlson, less power and struggled more with plate discipline than Carlson (at different levels, but you’re the one who wanted this comparison. Okay, okay, OKAY, maybe I wanted the comparison, but here we are now). Results vary obviously, but if you told me Carlson and Bader would result in 100% of the same stats, I wouldn’t be wholly surprised. Carlson does look better, however, so…Anyway, what can we expect from Dylan Carlson for 2020 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Something I didn’t mention the other day in my Luis Robert fantasy when I was going on about how Luis Robert was my number one fantasy baseball prospect for 2020 is how close Jo Adell was to him. I don’t remember two prospects being as close any other year. Sure, last year Vlad Jr. and Eloy were 1A and 1B, but I felt like 1A was way over 1B even though 1B ended up above 1A at the end of the year. I’m talking perspective more than reality, and hindsight is 20/20, but that doesn’t apply simply because we’re talking about 2020. I’ve just confused myself, tee bee aitch. Maybe Adell can squeeze out Lou Bob this year like Eloy squeezed out Vlad Jr. last year, but my money’s on Robert, though my money is currently tied up in Beanie Babies. Anyway, what can we expect from Jo Adell for 2020 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
In the hot, steamy sweat of August, while the summer was bumping its uglies against us without our permission, Gavin Lux looked like the best player since Sliced Bread. You might remember, Sliced Bread was a Triple-A standout, hitting .350 with 34 homers in 78 games, but never caught on in the majors, and is now a third base coach for the Winnipeg Sweater Puppies. Sliced Bread is a cautionary stale, er, tale, and Lux doesn’t need to go that route. Looking at Lux in the cold dankness of the offseason, he doesn’t look as hump-worthy and more like a pump and dump scheme. What were we thinking then and can we start thinking it again? I.e., make me delusional again about Gavin Lux I want to put my heels under my head and go whee. Anyway, what can we expect from Gavin Lux in 2020 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ayo whaddup it’s ya boy Grey Albright aka the Fantasy Master Lothario aka The Guy Who Eats Takis Every Day aka The Guy Who Cool Sculpted The Fat Off His Stomach After Eating Takis Every Day aka The Guy Who Started A ZZ Top Cover Band Named The Gay Beards And Had To Explain To Everyone I Meant Gay As In Happy And Beards As In Beards aka The Guy In Starbucks Asking For The Bathroom Code While Carrying His Entire Wardrobe aka The Guy Who Goes Oop All The Time aka The Guy Still Vaping aka The Guy Standing Behind You aka The Guy Wondering Why Lumberjacks And Lesbians Both Wear Flannel aka The Guy In Charge Of Moseying At Your Local Frontiertown aka The Guy Typing This With His Pinkie Toe. I’m here with 2020 content, snitches! Okay, I need to sit down, I’ve exhausted myself in the excitement of it all. Well, the joke’s on my butt, I have nowhere to sit! A quick preamble about the 2020 fantasy baseball rookie series that is coming from me over the next few weeks. Rookies could get a post if they meet MLB eligibility requirements, less than 130 ABs or 50 IP. That means no Bo Bichette, no Aristides Aquino, no Kyle Tucker (just missed at 131 ABs), and no Trent Grisham. In 2012, the first player I highlighted was Mike Trout. That wasn’t an accident. I said in the Mike Trout post, “He’s ranked number one for me. Numero uno. The Big Mahoff. He’s the big Statue of Liberty in New York, not that girly one in Paris!” Since then, I’ve attempted to make the first rookie post about a prospect that will be the top rookie for fantasy the following year. Last year that honor went to Vlad Jr. Yes, it’s an honor, don’t be so condescending. The year before it was Ronald Acuña Jr. This year the top fantasy prospect isn’t no ordinary man, this is the prospect I be seeing in my sleep. Luis Robert will be your number one 2020 fantasy baseball rookie. Will Lou Bob be named to the All-Century Team in 80 years or edged out by a robot with grabby hands named the Hitter-Tron that my great-great-nephew will sue, due to trademark infringement, only to find out it’s the same Hitter-Tron that once graced this little fantasy baseball blog called Razzball? Can Lou Bob be a top 50 overall player in 2020? Will Luis Robert even get enough at-bats? Let’s stop the questions and start the answers! Okay, one more question… Anyway, what we can expect of Luis Robert for 2020 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
So, how’s everyone holding up without baseball every day? I don’t know what to do with myself! Yesterday I wandered into a Starbucks and told the coffeerista about Mike Clevinger for 2020. Then I sobbed into a cheddar scone until someone asked me to leave. We’ve gone over the final 2019 fantasy baseball rankings for hitters and the top 20 starters. This is different than Final Fantasy rankings where you rank Final Fantasy 1 thru Final Fantasy 15. That’s hardcore nerd shizz! This is simply fantasy baseball — we’re softcore nerds like Emmanuelle is to porn. So, there’s no more of these godforsaken recap posts left. You’re welcome. I, my over-the-internet friend, will be talking next about 2020 rookies — PUT ON YOUR FREAKIN’ SHOES! Not sure why I just yelled that. Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2019 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:Please, blog, may I have some more?
All the final 2019 fantasy baseball rankings for hitters are done. For those that skipped today’s title, this starts the top 20 starters for 2019 fantasy baseball. This is NOT for 2020 (caps for those who can’t read titles; supposedly it’s easier to read caps, I have my doubts). This is a recap. Will these affect next year’s rankings? Sure. But not entirely. Like when you had a knee replacement, this is a recap! To recapitulate the recap, these rankings are from our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. We’re (me’re) using it to fairly gauge our (my) preseason rankings. Anyway, here’s the top 20 starters for 2019 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:Please, blog, may I have some more?