Yesterday most teams announced their 60-man rosters for Summer Camp. You know Summer Camp, it’s when MLB players compete against each other in kayak and potato sack races, learn to respect other kids, even ones with nerdy glasses, and are managed by Bill Murray. Oh, and, yeah, all teams were supposed to release their 60-man rosters, but when you make a rule that in extra innings a runner will start on 2nd base, then rules are officially stupid and should not be followed. Rob Manfred speaking into a phone, “Brewers, we need your 60-man roster.”  Brewers, “It’s in your ass, Rob.” Rob, “I’m looking in a mirror and I do not see it.” One other thing about the 60-man rosters that were released:  they were all a few short of 60. 60-man rosters are a lot like Opening Day, a wait-and-see affair. Guys can be added still in the coming days. So, maybe there’s hope still for Ryan Mountcastle and Adley Rutschman, since they were omitted from the Orioles’ released 44-man roster. It would be surprising if they weren’t included in the coming days, if this weren’t the Orioles. Some teams included their 2020 draft picks. The Orioles have yet to include their 1st pick from 2015 (Mountcastle) and their 1st pick from last year. i.e., Grey’s about to lose his crap and only talk in 3rd person. Anyway, here’s what else I saw 2020 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

This year we don’t have SAGNOF we have SSSAGNOF. That’s Shortened Season SAGNOF, baby! I just started breakdancing after screaming baby. What, is this a lost episode of Ally McBeal? ‘Member that show? I don’t, because I didn’t ever watch crap TV shows. Get your taste out yo’ ass! Also, that popsicle stick. That vacuum cord. That microwaved burrito. How many things do you have in your butt? As mentioned the other day in my Jarrod Dyson 60-game sleeper, steals might be the most predictable stat we have this year. Have Sprint Speed, will travel from 1st to 2nd. With runs and RBIs, it’s going to come down to lineup placement. With home runs, it’s going to come down to–Well, just go read the article. With steals, it’s gonna be as easy to measure as clicking that little button on the top of your stopwatch. By the by, what if the person pressing the clock button is slow, doesn’t that change the clocked time by a lot? Has anyone ever said runners’ times pre-digital age are all hogwash because it depended on the old man in black & white with the monocle pressing a stopwatch button? Did I just uncover some truth that everyone already knew but me? Yes? Cool. Our 2020 fantasy baseball rankings have been updated to a 60-game season. So, with a 60-game season, what is a fantasy baseball strategy for steals?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome back to another post that you never thought you’d read from a guy who never thought he’d write it! We’re sailing into uncharted territory, worried we could die from some unknown disease, while maybe carrying the unknown plague ourselves that will kill everyone else. “Argh! Name that team in Cleveland the Indians and lets get these 60 games going!” Guys and five female readers, if someone beats the 73 homer record in only 60 games, they have to count it even if the person is shooting up while in the on-deck circle, right? As Long John Silver once said, don’t want to go out on a limb, but c’mon. In a shortened season of 60 games, it will be imperative that you go after categories vs. players. Sure, use the fantasy baseball trade analyzer. (I clickbaited you and you didn’t even see it coming!) Roast your leaguemates with them quick-to-the-point-to-the-point-no-faking fake baseball trades, but you need categories and stats over player names. Who can get you home runs and how fast can they do it? How do we even figure that out? Luckily, this is a rhetorical question to tell you I have you covered like a blanket infected with lice. So, with a 60-game season, what is a fantasy baseball strategy for home runs?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Deal has been struck, right? Baseball is the only sport where it announces its start, but no one is sure if it really announced its start. Good ol’ baseball being super stupid as usual. Okay, baseball is set to return on July 1st, and the season will happen, if Covid cooperates. The season won’t look like any baseball season we’ve ever seen before. This year someone will get to 220 at-bats and it will take playing every game of the 60-game season while ducking Covid, which is not “ducking” after Siri autocorrects it; that’s not “ducking” at all. No one says get the duck out of here, Siri, unless you have Daffy problems. Mookie Betts might get 50 runs, and he will lead the major leagues in runs. Cody Bellinger might lead the majors in RBIs with 58 and only score 35 runs. There could be guys who hit at the bottom of their respective lineups, play every day and barely crack ten runs or RBIs. Actually, gonna google real fast if anyone has every played in every game of a baseball season and failed to reach 10 runs or RBIs. Just messin’! I ain’t googling that shizz because obviously it ain’t ever been done. There might be five everyday players in the Tigers’ lineup this year who don’t reach 10 runs or RBIs. You know AP style is to write out numbers one through nine? Well, it is, and we might need to write out numbers in statlines this year. Nike Goodrum:  nine/four/nine/.two-fifty-four/three. Ain’t no way around it. I have gone on the record as saying I welcome any baseball this year. Whether it’s 50, 60, or 20 games. Doesn’t matter to me, because I want to see them get out there and play baseball. Give me a month of games; works for me! Just don’t let me see anyone spit! You heathens! This year could be so screwy that MLB start its 60-game season and, due to Covid, end early and we only get 40 games. That’s just what we’re gonna have to deal with this year. Instead of going over all the players who will become DHs in the NL, which I will let stew for a week, I’m going to talk about overall strategy for a 60-game season. All 2020 fantasy baseball rankings have been updated for a 60-game season. So, with a 60-game season, what is a fantasy baseball strategy for runs and RBIs?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

BASEBALL IS BACK (after players agree to health and safety measures; kiss their families goodbye for perhaps four months if they get into the postseason; get tested for Covid-19 repeatedly; report to camp; go through spring training 2.0 which could be three weeks long; avoid injuries and anyone outside the bubble of the MLB who could infect them; dip and dodge a far-reaching pandemic while keeping their eye on the prize and that prize is what exactly? 60 games to prove they can be the fastest to ten homers and push their teams to winning 32 games? If Costanza saw this season, he’d scream, “Shrinkage!” But we’re going to remain optimistic, right? We got baseball that’s what’s important…well, the players’ health is important too, so that brings us back to the health and safety measures — ya know what? I’m getting out of this parenthetical while I still have something to look forward to.), BABY, BASEBALL IS BACK! Spring Training will begin, in theory, on July 1st. By the by, “in theory” is something you’re going to read a lot from me over the next two months. “In theory” this is baseball. “In theory” the Nats are defending their title. “In theory” Luis Arraez hit .400 for the season even though he only had 175 at-bats. “In theory” Jesse Winker could stay healthy for 60 games and be the Reds’ DH. There will be a universal DH this year (not necessarily in 2021), and the season will start (in theory) on the weekend of July 24th. I told you it would start again on July 24th for the last three months. Okay, I wrote it as July 4th, but there was a 2 in front of the 4 that I was writing in .00001-point font. Not my fault your eyesight is going. Okay, baseball returning gets me to give out a little woohoo. In like 12-point font. If I’m being real and sappy, I love baseball, and I’m glad it’s going to try to return. Rudy tells me he has updated all my 2020 fantasy baseball rankings to sixty games, but since this all happened late last night, it might not happen until Tuesday afternoon. I will then go over some strategy for a 60-game season and then news from spring training, where I’m almost 100% we’re going to hear certain players are not going to play this year. If it’s possible, I’d suggest you begin scheduling some redrafts for early July. Just think, draft season is the best season, and now we’re getting it twice! Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Appreciate everyone who has taken this multi-month journey with Donkey Teeth and I as we try to figure out exactly what this Patreon podcast will be. We started with interviewing ex-athletes (Lenny Dykstra), filmmakers, comedians, Prospect Itch and just Donkey and I shooting the shizz about what we’re watching on TV during a pandemic. Last week, we brought on friend of Razzball and comedian, Billy Hurley, and I secretly fell in love. I think it was our best show and the format seemed to click. Talk about the news that no one else wants to talk about or, rather, no one else should be talking about because they are ludicrous news stories. It’s the It Only Sounds Like Fake News Newshour!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I just read, “On March 6th, manager Mike Matheny said Ryan O’Hearn could begin the season in a platoon at first base with Ryan McBroom,” and I cackled multiple times. There’s something legitimately funny at just about every third word in that news blurb. March 6th? Was that this year? March 6th was pre-Covid and I don’t remember anything about that — cackle #1.  Mike Matheny is just a cackle waiting to happen every time I hear his name because he’s such a terrible manager. Imagine even calling him manager. Matheny makes bad managers scratch their heads. Woofity woof woof and cackle #2. There was no cackle #3, then, onto cackle #4: “Could begin the season.” Dude, what season? You’re making me cackle like a gee-dee fool! Okay, moving on! Cackle #5 was at the thought of a platoon with Ryan McBroom. If McBroom doesn’t make you laugh every time you hear his name, you’re dead inside. Check your pulse. The only reason O’Hearn and McBroom should platoon is because Matheny is so dumb and can only remember the name Ryan. “Um, yeah, starting at 1st today is…um, that Irish kid…What’s his name again? Ryan something.” 1st base coach, “McBroom?” Matheny thinks, then, “You wanna clean the bathroom at a McDonald’s?” So, what can we expect from Ryan O’Hearn from 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a great dart throw?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

SAGNOF is gonna be something in the blink they’re going to call this MLB season. I was tempted to write up a Billy Hamilton dart throw, and, if this delay lasts until August, I may just do that. I’m not one hundred percent sure what to do with fantasy baseball strategy for a 50-game season, but that could be the fun. What do we punt? What do we focus on? Still hoping for a 70-game season, but that might be deliriously optimistic at this point. Do we throw steals and saves out the window completely and focus on homers? Okay, but someone is going to Tuffy Rhodes up in here, have a 14-homer August, and we’re gonna see something like, “Jesus Aguilar leads the majors in homers.” Steals might actually be the most predictable stat this year, which brings me to Jarrod Dyson. If a guy can steal 20 bags in 60 games, that doesn’t just go away. Whereas someone who can hit 20 homers in 60 games could get ice cold and end up with a five-homer season. Shizz is gonna be weird this year. I’ve come to peace with what will be an absurd season. We play fantasy baseball for fun and as a distraction, after all, and what’s more fun and distracting than seeing Kurt Suzuki in the hunt for a batting title or something similarly goofy? “Bring on the madness,” is what I mumble through my pandemic mask. So, what can we expect from Jarrod Dyson for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a great dart throw?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

For players who only played in 38 or fewer games since 2018, Yoenis Cespedes leads that group in home runs, RBIs, runs–I’m kidding. That is what we’re about to walk into though, if/when this season gets going. People are going to be talking about how great a player is in 40-or-less games. What a jizzoke. Also, anyone that says, “This is going to be more of a sprint than a marathon.” Tell them to buy The Giant Book of Metaphors & Similes, which is like…um…what’s a giant book of metaphors and similes like? Damn, should’ve bought that book when I saw it the last time I was in a bookstore in 2002. This baseball season is going to be as long as the line at your nearest Barnes & Noble. Bookstore employee, “Just this one book for today?” Customer, “Yeah, that’s it.”  Bookstore Employee, “Would you mind filling out a survey?” Customer, “Um, yeah, sure.” Employee, “Great, 1st question is:  Why are you in a bookstore? Second question:  Do you not have internet?” Customer, “This survey is tough!” Any hoo! With the delayed season, we have a chance to ACKSUALLY see Yoenis Cespedes. So, what can we expect from Yoenis Cespedes for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a great dart throw?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Prior to be doing my fifteen-hundredth dart throw, Bartolo Colon. “Hey, listen, if you can get him cheap and with the NL DH–” *smoke rises from RoboGrey’s ears* Seriously, could someone unplug the MLB season, blow into the cartridge and plug it back in? On phone with AppleCare, “For the last few weeks, I’ve only seen the pinwheel on the baseball season, and the big brains at the Genius Bar have no idea what to do. Any suggestions?” For those not following too closely, the MLB owners are imitating Wimpy and saying, “We will kindly pay you next Collective Bargaining Agreement for a hamburger today,” and the players, crazily enough, are saying, “Hold up, you want us to play for 80% of our salary?”  And the MLB owners are replying, “Yeah, c’mon, you crooks, you have so much money.” Then the players are like, “You’re paying us but claiming to have less money than us? Ain’t that some shizz?” I expected this to be resolved by now, but resolution at this point seems like it’s going to come down to Head Idiot Rob Manfred, and him forcing the season into existence. If I’m reading all of the negotiations correctly, Head Idiot can force a 48-game season, but can’t force players to play. Make sense? No, of course it doesn’t! The Head Idiot said last week there would 100% be a season, and this week said there wouldn’t. In other words, the Head Idiot doesn’t even know what the Head Idiot can do because, get this, he’s an idiot. Some have speculated that MLB will force a 48-game season, but it’s way too early now since they have to play until September 27th, because of TV schedules, so they’re stalling for another week or two. All of that led to this breaking news yesterday:

If a season is forced, I wouldn’t be shocked if some big names opt out like Mike Trout, Christian Yelich and, really, anyone who has plenty of ‘eff you’ money. Once we have a set number of games, we will update our rankings and possibly remove players who aren’t playing. Also, as we talk about on today’s podcast, coming later today, I was against redrafting leagues, but if a lot of players are sitting out and we’re playing a 50-game season, then, yeah, it becomes unfair to try to play out a league drafted prior to all of this. On the other hand, maybe it’ll be fun to just play it out. I’m saying that last line in case any MLB owners or players are reading. Play it out! Anyway, here’s what else I saw for 2020 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?