Wald, I Think You Were A Little Hard To Ignore On Waivers Last Night

This one goes out to all five of our lady readers. Whether you’re mothers or not, you’re beautiful and I love you. Happy Mother’s Day, and a special shoutout to Christian Yelich’s mother. Said like Tupac, “You are appreciated.” Now, let’s get down to business. Diamondbacks called up Plaster Shizz on Friday and because Saturday is the day of Grey’s Sabbath, when he soaks his fingers in Epson salt and smokes grass, I missed telling you my thoughts on Ryan Waldschmidt (2-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs, as he hit 9th). That won’t stand! Or Waldstand! So, let’s hear what I have to say by quoting Itch, “The 31st overall pick in the 2024 draft, Waldschmidt represents the windfall profit from Corbin Carroll’s Rookie of the Year award. At 6’2” 205 pounds from the right side, Waldschmidt features plus contact skills, speed and power, a valuable trio of traits in the fantasy game. In 134 games across High-A and Double-A, he slashed .289/.419/.473 with 18 home runs, 29 stolen bases and a 16-to-17.6 percent walk-to-strikeout ratio. And my want-to-punch Grey ratio is 100%.” Okay, not cool. I’d grab Plaster Shizz in all leagues, he has power and speed. Remember, you can’t always get what you Wald, but you can get what you need and you need Wald. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Merrill Kelly – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 7.62. Fantasy Doctor, “Take nine of these and call me in the morning.” The pill bottle contains a Mets’ lineup of hitters.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.25. One of the best two-start weeks I’ve had in some time. Thank you, Streamonator. And now I’m dropping EdRod, before it all comes back to haunt me.

Logan Webb – Hit the IL with knee bursitis, and will take a two-start break. Can’t be much worse than how he’s been. Trevor McDonald will be called up to replace him and you have to be a clown to get excited for McDonald’s stuff.

Ryan Walker – Optioned to the minors. There was a moment in Saturday’s game when Tonnato Vitello just stared off into space for a good 30 seconds. Not noteworthy on its own, but it was noteworthy because he was standing on the mound, making a pitching change. Pitchers in the pen were jumping up and down, motioning to him, all looking around wondering who he was calling in. Finally, and I kid you not, Willy Adames signaled for the next pitcher. Maybe Vitello has that same ailment as the doctor on The Pitt. Anyway, Giants are a train wreck from Posey down, and Caleb Kilian is likely the new closer.

Heliot Ramos – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .272. Examples of learning the wrong lessons: Heliot was the only hitter to ever hit it into McCovey Cove as a righty — draft him everywhere! Andy Pages actually swung and missed vs. Clase when he was trying to throw a ball — avoid Pages!

Braxton Ashcraft – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.77. Was available in any league if you wanted to draft him. Cust kayin’.

Konnor Griffin – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer. Is he 60 years old already?

Oneil Cruz – 1-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (10) and legs (15), hitting .255. On pace for 40/60. If he does that, I’ll say it was a pretty good year.

Bubba Chandler – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (1 BB), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.62. Bubba found his perfect matchup: The SF Giants who swing at everything.

Bryce Miller – Will be activated from the IL on Wednesday. They’ll move to a six-man rotation, then use Miller and Castillo to piggyback. They should send Luis Castillo to the pen, and not this “vet has paid his dues” nonsense keeping Castillo semi in the rotation, but at least they’re not bumping Emerson Hancock.

Luis Castillo – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.57. I’m not even sure he’s rosterable in AL-Only leagues.

Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.78. Finally, he pitched well! Even though the M’s gave away this game like a bunch Bazardos! If someone could get this bit of wisdom to MLB managers: You have over-managed if you’re removing Canzone to pinch-hit with the .120-hitting Refsnyder.

Davis Martin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.62. Asking for my fantasy teams where I have Martin, can we postpone his regression until next year?

Aaron Civale – 5 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.59. Seems silly to suggest Streamonator when a guy has an ERA near-2.50, so let’s not be silly. I’m a Silly Saver! I save people from Silly!

Jacob Wilson – Sounds headed to the IL. Shame he doesn’t seem capable of staying on the field. I got him for average and he needs to offset Gunnar.

Shane Baz – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.48. What a Baztard, which is a bastard pronounced by Antonio Banderas.

Nick Martinez – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.70. Was watching the Rays’ broadcast and they mentioned how their starters throw for less velocity and Ks, and more changeups than other teams, and they get by with command. Um, hello! Credit me! I said that shizz three years ago! As more starters lean on throwing 100 MPH, be the team of Nick Martinezes — Team Martini?

Junior Caminero – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. Vroom! Vroom! Tiny car!

Payton Tolle – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.78. He’s solid, you know that, so let me just say he looks like he’s about 43 years old. Call him Payton Place because he understands that reference.

Rhett Lowder – Hit the IL after an injection in his AC joint. You smoke a joint, you don’t inject it, you nimrod!

Pierce Johnson – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.38 and his 1st save on Saturday, and might be the Reds’ closer since Tony Santillan hasn’t run with the job. Almost didn’t recognize Pierce Johnson by his proper name. I always heard him called Prince Albert.

Spencer Steer – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in five games, and once again the Reds have too many cornermen and they’re benching one the hottest ones in Nathaniel Lowe for a heating up one in Steer.

Andrew Abbott – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.47. Ha! Right after I dropped him, he decided to remember how to pitch. Are him, Flaherty and Bradish just effin’ with me? Abbott’s value is based on his ability to locate, so as long as he’s all Abbott but not aBBot, he’s okay. He’s not more than a number four even if going right.

Chase Burns – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.11. Wrote a Burns sleeper, and still 100% love him, but, just so ya know, he’s pitching closer to a 3.50 ERA guy.

Spencer Arrighetti – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.88. Rolling off what I said for Burns, Arrighetti is closer to a 4.50 ERA guy. At some point, if you have Burns/Sp. Arrighetti, you’re hoping for spaghetti all’assassina, but you’re gonna be assassina-jackpot.

Cristopher Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks 7 Ks, ERA at 2.11. Admittedly, I think for him to win the NL Cy, Skenes might need to oversleep his alarm clock from July through September, but Sanchez is at least in the running.

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting /281. He was pulled from the game on Saturday, due to an ocular migraine, and I get those too! Bryce and I, handshake emoji wrapped around a glass of raw milk, showing people our lactating nipples.

Kyle Schwarber – 3-for-4, and his 15th and 16th homer, hitting .227. Schwarber visiting the set of the Marla Gibbs-starrer .227, after visiting Abbott Elementary.

Jack Leiter – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.85. A manager can remove a starter who has thrown less than 100 pitches and given up zero runs, but he must pay his entire salary from the game. This is my new rule, as your baseball commissioner.

Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.62. I’m gonna say what I said this preseason, why not just draft deGrom and Schlittler instead of Tarik or Skenes and whoever?

Evan Carter – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. This homer came off Daniel Palencia (2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.57), who missed two weeks and now Craig Counsell no longer understands how to use him. Did Counsell hit his head?

Edward Cabrera – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.88. EdCab making me want to take the bus.

Randy Vasquez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Streamed him on Saturday, and Streamonator hates his next one, and I’m gonna cut Randy with the cold calculation of Herb Brooks.

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. For this home run, he used Tatis’s bat, so Tatis was credited with a home run in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Jordan Walker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Every day Walker does well is a reminder I’m never wrong, just early.

Kyle Leahy – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.31. Will say this for Rockies, Cards and Nats, they were three teams with personnel changes up top that were more “stats based” and they’ve paid off.

Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Recently, realized he’s been pitching in the majors for 14 years and has been almost exactly the same pitcher every year. A consistent ebb with a mediocre flow.

Kerry Carpenter – Hit the IL with bruised ego for allowing Bobby Witt Jr. to run an inside-the-park home run on Saturday while Carpenter did some shizz trying to field. By the way, it’s run an inside-the-park home run not hit an inside-the-park home run, to Witt. Gage Workman was called up (and homered in his 1st at-bat!). Odd to lose a Carpenter, and purchase a workbench. Workman has power, speed and might hit .180, if he’s lucky.

Cam Schlittler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.35. He was hit by a 101 MPH comebacker on his leg and I began to weep, sob really, then he stayed in the game and pitched well and my heaving sobs became joyous cries.

Carlos Rodon – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m wearing a paper bag on my head because I forgot my sunglasses.”

Aaron Judge – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer. Only time in the last four years he’s had more homers in his first 40 games (17), he hit 62.

Logan Henderson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Must gave you my Logan Henderson fantasy. It was highlighted in sparkler Sharpie.

Brice Turang – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .298. Bill Hall filing a trademark infringement lawsuit. Turang and CJ Abrams were both guys who should’ve been drafted in the top 20 who weren’t.

Addison Barger – Day-to-day with a sore elbow. Maybe he won’t have these problems, if he stops throwing 101 MPH from the outfield.

Yariel Rodriguez – Being recalled from the minors. Jays spelled “DFA Lauer” out in seashells on Instagram. Not entirely clear why Yariel couldn’t have been in the majors this whole time. Dude’s 29 and clearly a long man that has some real world value. For fantasy? Meh, maybe AL-Only.

Jose Soriano – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.66. Damn, I already dropped him after his last bad start, oh well.

Jo Adell – 3-for-4, and his 5th and 6th homer, hitting .273. You’re about to see one of the streakiest hitters go absolute Dongey Kong.

Cade Cavalli – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.02 vs. Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.90. Went to look at Cade vs. Sandy on the Player Rater, thinking I was gonna do a GOTCHA that Cade was more valuable than Sandy, but, no, no gotcha. I did see the top five starters on the Player Rater right now, and I have to say I don’t think anyone could guess them. Massive Hint: Four are mentioned in this post.

Blake Snell – 3 IP, 4 ER, as he was activated from the IL. It’s a low-key credit to Ohtani that he doesn’t say, “Hey, you need me for October, right? So, how about I take April through July off like Snell, Glasnow, Betts, Freeman, Smith, etc.” Through a translator, obviously.

Spencer Strider – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.89. That’s the best a Spencer’s looked in Los Angeles since Robert Urich.

Bryce Elder – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 BBs, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.81 vs. Justin Wrobleski – 8 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.42. You know that meme, Coughing Baby vs. Hydrogen Bomb? Wrobleski vs. Elder is Coughing Baby vs. Coughing Baby acting like Hydrogen Bomb vs. Hydrogen Bomb. Wrobleski vs. Elder was Cher slapping Nic Cage in Moonstruck but saying, “Why’d you draft Hunter Brown?”

Drake Baldwin – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .297. Drake better get his ass out of LA.

Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. 21 more to go!

Taj Bradley – Hit the IL with pectoral inflammation. The missing Marx Brother Zebby Matthews might get called up, and I wouldn’t bet your life he’s good.

Joe Ryan – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.43 vs. Tanner Bibee – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.17. This game was so old school, both pitchers went into the 6th inning! This game was so old school, Ryan threw 107 pitches! This game was so old school each pitcher was allowed to noogie Robin Ventura!

Gavin Williams – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.74. Now 16 ER in his last 25 2/3 IP, and I’m saying maybe he should change his cologne because it’s attracting the Regression Fairies.

Patrick Bailey – Traded to the Guardians. Aaron Boone can never have a decent 3rd baseman, because it’ll reflect back on his own playing days. Related, Buster Posey just shipped the Giants’ 2nd post-Posey “catcher of the future.” I’m only maybe 20% joking. If Posey was a great mentor, maybe he’d coach up some of these guys, no? Not sure if that bodes well for Jesus Rodriguez in the long-run, but in the short-term, he gets a pretty nice boost for 15-team mixed and deeper.

Bo Naylor – Optioned to the minors. Guards couldn’t take Naylor anymore and his .143 hitting. They now welcome the .141 hitting Bailey.