Buy Condon Like His First Name Is Oxy And You Live In West Virginia

[pinches fingers to temples, mind-melding with the Rockies’ brass] Okay, I am now at one with the Rockies’ front office. I will be thinking and acting like them for the next five minutes. I want to trade Hunter Goodman for a Bible once used by Todd Helton. Hmm, okay, I am now trading for Nolan Jones and signing him to an eight-year, $200 million deal and immediately trading him for Ke’Bryan Hayes and sending $200 million to cover Jones’s contract. Wow, smart moves. Okay, I am now asking Larry Walker to change the cap on his Hall of Fame plaque to a Rockies’ cap not realizing he has a Rockies’ cap on his plaque. Why am I doing these things?! I don’t know and I can’t stop! So, I don’t know what their plan is for Charlie Condon. No one knows. They don’t know. Is he ready? He’s been ready since last year and now he’s what? More than ready. See, how that works? He’s a 30/12/.270 hitter over the course of a full season. TJ Rumfield is sorta in his way, but not entirely. They can move Moniak to center and let Condon play a corner outfield spot. It’s time! Wait, having one last vision of being the Rockies’ front office: I’m telling a stranger about how I plan on bringing back Nolan Arenado four years after he retires! Why?! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:

BUY

Joe Mack – Here’s what I said when he was called up, “He hasn’t exactly been a Mack truck riding through MiLB pitchers (3/1/.244 in 82 ABs), but last year was likely closer to skill level (21/9/.257). Won’t hit for a good average, but has pull power and some light speed. People love his defense, so that’s why you might hear a lot about him. Grab him in leagues deeper than 15 team, and if you’re on a struggle bus then in 12 team leagues.” And that’s me quoting me!

Jesus Rodriguez – Here’s what I said when he was called up, “Called up by the Giants. An under 10 K% in the minors, but he’s also behind Bailey (presumably) and has five-homer power and 12-15 steal speed. It’s an NL-Only play before we tell Jesus to take the wheel in mixed leagues.” And that’s me copying and pasting me!

Bryce Eldridge – Here’s what I said when he was called up, “Itch just gave you a prospect stash list where he was featured, “Casey Schmitt has been the club’s everyday designated hitter since April 7th and was hitting well at first. Over the last nine games, however, we’re seeing why he’s not a great fit to be your middle-of-the-order thumper, slashing .189/.205/.324 with zero walks and six strikeouts. Small samples and so on, but what’re we doing here? Schmitt’s a 27-year-old utility player. Checking in on Eldridge, we find him striking out 33 percent of the time through 22 games but slashing .282/.390/.424 with a 120 wRC+ nonetheless. He’s got just one hit in his last five games. Not exactly crashing through the wall like the Kool-Aid man, but one hot streak can change that in a hurry when a kid hits the ball as hard as Eldridge. As hard as I’d like to hit Grey.” C’mon! I’m not a huge Eldridge fan. Fan is keyword. He fans a lot; it’s a terrible park and lineup. I could see a line of 18-22 HRs and .220. It’s very meh.” And–well, you know.

Tyler Black – Why doesn’t he replace Luis Rengifo in the starting lineup? Not asking rhetorically or looking for an answer. It’s a third thing: Putting it out there so the universe corrects itself.

Brice Matthews – He had a good week, and became the Astros’ 2nd best player. I kid, but it hasn’t been a great year for the Astros. They should play a seven-game series vs. Philly for the “We’re Not Really This Bad Are We” title.

Casey Schmitt – Schmitt happens, this week. I doubt it lasts very long. He’s not good in the big picture. Or thanks to Big Pitcher.

Kody Clemens – Picking up Clemens, Karros, Conine and renaming my team the Nepo Babies. Not sure who I’m dropping when Jackson Holliday comes off the IL. Meh, won’t worry about that until it happens in August. Maybe I’ll drop both Acuña’s.

J.P. Crawford – My cutoff for “hot hitter in Buy column” is usually around $10 on the 7-day Player Rater. It’s fluid though like my barista’s gender and there was very few shortstops to highlight, so here ya are.

Chase Meidroth – Fun fact! Chase Meidroth was a pinup model in the 1950s for boys fresh back from the war.

Jorge Mateo – With Acuña’s injury, Mateo managed to up his playing time and he’s got speed in a good lineup. Some of these guys have less than that going for them.

Mark Vientos – His season-long projections from other people that don’t include me: 22/.250. That’s baseline, and he had a season already of 27/.266. Those are pretty close. If he repeats 27/.260 that’s basically a top ten 3rd baseman, and might be top seven (it’s a very bad position).

Miguel Andujar – My autocorrect tried to change Miguel Andujar’s name to Miguel Nduja, which further proof that behind all great tech is an Italian trying to fiddle with it and make it worse.

Nick Gonzales – What I do for every player in this column — identify if they’ve been hot, and see if their stats say they will be valuable beyond a week or two. Went to look at Gonzales, and he’s one of those where he’s been marginally hot, but, wow, will he not only be terrible long-term, but his career stats: 14/7/.266. That’s in 971 ABs! Jordan Walker came close to that in the 1st month.

Wenceel Perez – Exact polar opposite to Nick Gonzales as far as stats go. All speed and power and no average for Wenceel. Through right now, at least. How about we bring up Max Clark and make it all moot?

Esteury Ruiz – Fun fact! If you say his name fast, it sounds like Esteury Rios. A tributary to his parents.

JJ Bleday – Once a week every year, he gets hot. Welcome to that week!

Spencer Jones – Just went over him in my Spencer Jones fantasy. It was written while frosting my tips like Guy Frieri.

Jake McCarthy – Could be a hot schmotato, but, and I say this carefully to not put too much helium into McCarthy, but he’s not been that bad for the season: 2/6/.275 in only 69 ABs.

Zack Gelof – Ya know I love everything Bing Bong, and Gelof has been hot, but he doesn’t have an everyday job, so tread with some caution.

Dustin Harris – Okay, Brice Matthews and Harris having good last week numbers leads me to who were they playing? Oh, I see, that dead-in-the-water team. Okay, correction from Brice’s blurb. Astros need to play the Red Sox to see who will play the winner of the Phillies and Mets for the “We’re Not Really This Bad Are We” title.

Sam Antonacci – Some day Italians will take over all of MLB and pizza and calzones will replace peanuts and Cracker Jacks. (It works in Take Me Out To The Ballgame if you pronounce it pizza and cal-zone-e’s.) When that day is here, Antonacci hitting leadoff will be commonplace and not platooning between there and the nine-hole. Until, “HEY MA WE MADE IT,” will fall on deaf ears.

Landen Roupp – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to the radio station.

Michael Wacha – This is also a Streamonator call. “Mr. Roboto is very offensive. To Japanese? No, to me!”

Tyler Phillips – It could be Calvin Faucher for saves in Miami, but Phillips is better, and, if there’s no set closer, I’d go with the better guy.

Ryan Zeferjahn – To pick up Zeferjahn, you don’t have to be a fan of Werewolves in London, but it does help to solidify your reasoning. Still think Kirby Yates is the guy eventually in Anaheim, but not a huge vote of confidence he couldn’t pitch well in his rehab, and didn’t come in for a save the other day when he was available, and maybe Yates isn’t the guy eventually.

Tony Santillan – I’d guess he’s over 50% rostered in most leagues, but I will give you a one-time how’s your father if you need a closer and Santillan is out there.

Rico Garcia – Will never pick up Andrew Kittredge again in his career. He’s dead to me. Learn a new pitch that has a 99% Whiff Rate and see if I care! Though, I would pick up Garcia.

Caleb Kilian – Is he the Giants’ closer? I don’t know. No one does. That oil-packed Tonnato Vitello doesn’t know.

Erik Sabrowski – Brewers create starters out of a block of wood. They just carve them out and pristie-presto, as magicians say. The Guardians? They do this with relievers. Sabrowski could be a top five closer in the majors tomorrow. Instead, he’s a middle reliever who rocks.

SELL