(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)

Max Meyer has got *palms out, fanning them out in the shape of a rainbow* flash, kid! He’s got a 11+ K/9 in the minors and pinpoint control! Max Meyer has got *palms out, fanning them out in the shape of a rainbow* pizzazz, kid! He’s only six-feet-tall, but he’s got the heart of a gorilla that just took one in the keister for a little kid! Max Meyer *palms out, fanning them out in the shape of a rainbow* is the future, kid! He’s got only two pitches, but, boy, do they sing! Like Ethel Merman in a too-tight brassiere! Max Meyer is *palms out, fanning them out in the shape of a rainbow* stuck behind Elieser Hernandez? C’mon, anyone believe Max Meyer can’t get out from under that cloud of mediocre? He will be called up any day now and, when he is, he could be as good as the Marlins’ 2nd best pitcher, and, for those slow on the uptake, the Marlins have four great pitchers. If you missed out on George Kirby, then Max Meyer is your man. He’s got panache, and I’m not just saying that because I’m pretending to be his agent in 1950. Fix him up with a dame for photos! No one likes a bachelor, see! They wanna imagine themselves with him! In Prospect Itch’s top 25 starting pitcher prospects, Meyer’s been said to have a shot at being an ace-level asset. See, he’s got zing! Also, Prospect Hobbs just gave you his Max Meyer fantasy. We are full-court pressing Meyer, and that’s no bologna! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Luis Garcia went 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.94. Officially, Luis Garcia #1 is outpacing Luis Garcia #2 and Luis Garcia #3 by a lot. Step up your game, Luis Garcias! If I had a couple billion dollars, I’d buy a MLB team and fill the whole team with Luis Garcias. A Luis Garcia at each position. “Luis winds up and–a hot smash to third! Luis Garcia snags it, and goes to Luis Garcia at 2nd and onto Luis Garcia at first. Double play complete!” Name that team the Garcias and get LG to sponsor us. Prolly shouldn’t be putting this out there because Elon Musk is going to steal this idea.

“No more Tesla for you, Mr. Musk?”
“Sadly, this is my last day. On the bright side, I’ve got an idea to start a Luis Garcia-filled baseball team.”

Sigh, until I have that money in hand, I’m gonna have to look at Luis Garcia for fantasy baseball. This Luis Garcia’s peripherals are 9.9 K/9,2.4 BB/9, 3.55 xFIP, and his fastball velocity is up. Last time I looked at him, his stats weren’t as good, but they’ve clearly bounced back recently. His career ERA is 3.44 in 196 1/3 IP with a 9.4 K/9. Only time that’s putting me to sleep is during his rock-a-bye pitching windup. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Woke up yesterday morning and Googled to see if there ever was a movie made called, Call Me By Your Mom with Timothee ChalaMILF, then Christian Yelich (4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, 5th homer) hits his third cycle vs. the Reds. Could this be a coincidence or deja vu? Whenever I think of Yelich, I think of Mr. Redleg:


Excuse me! His name is Mr. Redlegs! Wait, am I talking about cojoined twins now? Co-Dick? Corey Dickerson did nothing yesterday (or all year). Yelich was an early season goof-up by yours truly. He looks markedly better than last year. I saw his sample size — hey now! — in the first two weeks and thought we were in for another long season of ground balls, but he’s actually improved. He’s hitting everything hard, and in the air again. Yelich might not be the Yelich of old — the top 10 overall Yelich — but he could easily be a low-end top 20 outfielder. Now, I’m off to see if anyone will invest in Call Me By Your Mom. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

No hitters are funny, aren’t they? They’re baseball at its finest. Baseball thrives off of statistical anomalies. It’s why there’s so many Jayson Stark-types that spit at ya stuff like, “This is the first time a player has hit into a double play while his 1st base coach was in the 1st base coach’s box talking on a bluetooth to his mistress,” and other oddities. The no-hitter highlights the oddity. It takes great pitching to no-hit a team, but varying amounts of luck. Reid Detmers was on the leaning side of the scale for an extreme amount of luck. Well-struck balls right at fielders. Hit ’em where they ain’t the Rays ain’t did. It’s also incredibly funny that Detmers’s peripherals got worse from a no hitter, but you throw 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 walk and only two strikeouts, and that will happen. His ERA is now down to 3.77. A solid, unremarkable unhittable performance. One of baseball’s oddities. It’s another oddity that the highlight of a no-hitter was a home run by Anthony Rendon. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Someone should start a class action lawsuit against the fantasy baseball ‘perts who told you to draft Liam Hendriks (1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.61) in the top 25 overall. Almost as bad as the ones who were drafting Emmanuel Clase in the first four rounds, even if he did get yesterday’s win. It’s inexcusable. For shame! Andres Gimenez (2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer) started the Chi City meltdown in the 9th, homering off of Banks — can’t take that to you — and then Josh Naylor H.A.M. got on a roll. He should change his name to Josh, Naylor. Not as in his last name is Josh and it’s on an official government document, but as in “Gosh, Naylor.” I barely know her, but now we’re making eyes and I’m intrigued. Josh Naylor went 3-for-5, 8 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .338, one of which was a grand salami of Hendriks, who I can imagine might’ve had some choice words afterwards — afterwords? Josh Naylor H.A.M. has been hot for a bit, but these were first homers in May. He’s a big-time power and hit-tool guy who has never clicked, maybe, pause for effect, until now. He could be Cleveland’s answer to Ty France. Call him Josh Ohio. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

First, let’s stop to address our five female readers. Google analytics says there’s two mothers, and one is my mom — hi Mom! — and the other mother is one of our frequent commenter’s moms making sure I don’t use any naughty words. I’ll let you decide which commenter it is. Happy Mother’s Day to you, our lone mother unrelated to me. Hopefully your son was as filthy, in a good way, to you as George Kirby. So, this is what it’s like being in a league with Prospect Itch. Rookie is called up, I go to the waiver wire, Itch already has said rookie player and I grumble like Lisa Simpson. Rinse and repeat. This weekend’s grumbles were accompanied by me looking for Royce Lewis, Jarren Duran and George Kirby. In Friday’s Buy column, I went over Duran and Lewis (great comedy duo, by the way), but I was too optimistic on both, since Duran’s already been sent down and Lewis might not be far behind. That brings us back to George Kirby (6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks). His stuff: a triple-digit speedball that sits 102. Weird, I sit 101, but I’m talking traffic and on a freeway. Here’s Itch’s breakdown of Kirby, “His off-speed stuff is less impressive, but his double-plus command makes everything play up and turns the fastball into multiple pitches. If you know you can hit the inside corner or the outside corner to hitters from both sides of the plate, that soon factors into your thinking as two different pitches, strategically speaking. He’s 6’4” 215 lbs and puts it together in a smooth, athletic delivery that should help him stay healthy, in theory. His outcomes have been stellar at every stop so far. And here’s hoping Grey gets punched in the head.” What? C’mon, man! So, I tried to grab Kirby in every league. The command should help the avoidance of roofies, and the upside is real and it’s spectacular. Yesterday’s start made a patient team look dumb. Even the Prospectonator (projections for every rookie) is optimistic, and it’s never optimistic. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, there’s no such thing as fooling someone three times. Fool me four times and, “Do you want a punch in the nose? Seriously, stop fooling me!” Fool me five times, and you’re the Royals and you’ve called up and demoted Edward Olivares that many times in the last year. If you would’ve told me the Royals could’ve roped me into buying Edward Olivares again, I would’ve told you why did I waste a genie wish on being turned into a steer and how did that cowboy rope me? Was he gentle? Check on me; I’m now a steer. Putting on Green Day and singing, “Buy Oliveras Of Unbroken Dreams,” and sobbing unnaturally. He’s burned us before? No, the Royals burned us! Olivares is a 25/15/.270 hitter that keeps getting yanked around like he’s the one who became a steer and not me. I’d grab him in all leagues, just in case this is the last time the Royals fool us. Five foolings, and that’s it! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Secretly, what no one could know, before yesterday’s game in Milwaukee, Christian Yelich hired a hitman. Did he want something done to a person? Heavens no! His fine eh eff mother raised that boy well! No, what Yelich wanted done he whispered into the ear of the hitman he hired off of Craigslist. Thanks to scouts Razzball hired, we know what was said, and by ‘scouts,’ I mean eavesdroppers. Yelich whispered, “Take this baseball bat that does me no good, and beat the shi*t out of the humidor until it no longer functions.” Yelich said the only way they’d know definitively that the humidor is busted is if Keston Hiura (1-for-4, 2nd homer) could hit it out. Job well done, Humidor Hitman! Yelich also benefited from his own mafia ties (3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (3). The humidor hit was especially nice for me since two benefactors were two of my sleepers, Luis Urias (1-for-4, and his 1st homer, hitting leadoff), and the big star of the game, Willy Adames (2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 7th and 8th homer, as he hits third. That sleeper of mine makes up for my Jarred Kelenic sleeper post! *dodges tomato* It doesn’t make up for it? *dodges another tomato* Okay! Geez! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

May the Fourth was with Rowdy-D2, as he had the night, that every hitter used to have in 2019, 4-for-6, 8 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. Anyone who asks, I say grab Rowdy Tellez. You down to Jarred Kelenic or Rowdy Tellez and I’m Tellez who I want who I really really want. Wanna see who’s hot? Look at the 7-day Player Rater. Don’t have to scroll far down for Tellez. Wanna see a gorgeous Statcast page? Look at Tellez’s. I wrote a sleeper post last year for him, but my one caveat was: Does he have playing time? He struggled to find it; Jays shipped him off and now he won’t be denied, especially not on the planet of Tater-ooine:

Sorry, these are just so cringe that I can’t resist. Also, having a great night, and now deserves a Colt 45, was Andrew Cutchrissian (4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs):

Okay, okay, one more, and this is the worst one, which makes it the best, Luis Chewurias:

Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Jesse Winker was a .300 hitter. The Mariners made Jesse Winker a .180 hitter. The Mariners took the two best prospects in baseball and made them .175 hitters. I don’t want to overstate how good Cristian Javier looked, because he looked excellent, but I want it to be clearly stated, the Mariners have poisoned bats. Not like The Riddler plotting in Gotham after The Batman. Like literally holding noodles they think are bats, and never making contact to find out they’re actually holding dry capellini. With that said, Cristian Javier (5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.96) looks so good, man and five womans. Not as efficient as I would like (87 pitches with one out in the 6th). Pairing a 96 MPH 4-seamer with an 80 MPH slider that just breaks from righties way outside. Not as many swings and misses as one would like, but no chance for the Mariners on so many pitches. Throw out an Adam Frazier ten-pitch at-bat to start the game, and he would’ve easily made it through the 6th. Javier looks every bit like a starter for every fantasy league, and not just when facing the poisoned, capellini bats of the M’s. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last week Prospect Itch drew up his Prospect Must Stash List. He made a caricature of each minor leaguer he was interested in and added a little mustache. It really was quite remarkable…*intern whispers in ear*…I see, so being told he absolutely did not do that, but instead he gave you all his prospects he’s stashing in redraft leagues. Jose Miranda was on that must stash list, and his mustache was fantastic–*intern leans in, annoyed*–Miranda did not have a drawn-on mustache. So, I gave you a Jose Miranda fantasy back in October of last year. There I said, “(He) possesses the usual Twins’ tendencies — Twindencies? — he doesn’t strike out at all and doesn’t walk a ton. At 23 years of age, Miranda ended 2021 across two levels (Double and Triple-A) with 30/4 and .344/.400/.575 with a 12% strikeout rate. Beginning to think he’s Luis Arraez with 30 homer-power. His contact skills won’t just disappear, even if they fade a little because the majors are tougher than the minors, he’ll still hit .280 with a 17-19% strikeout rate.” And that’s me quoting me! To compare him to a non-Twins player, he’s like a poor man’s Ty France. I will call him, Miranda’s In France To Stop Carrie From Marrying Mr. Big Because He’s About To Get MeToo’d. With him being recalled by the Twins — hey, I just remembered, we have a top prospect! — I’d add Jose Miranda in all leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Wish I could say Kevin Gausman‘s success this year will end forever, “(Pitcher’s name) is going to AL East, now you better be scared, right, Grey? Grey, tell me you’re supposed to be scared. Say that now. I beg of you! Tell me (pitcher’s name) going to the AL East is bad for him!” Grabs Aquanet hairspray and a Zippo lighter, threatening, “Tell me, Grey, or I will burn down your house.” Even with the NL getting the DH, something about a pitcher going to the AL East frightens guys more than hearing Amber Heard just ate Raisin Bran. Yesterday, Kevin Gausman went 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.27. That’s now 41 Ks and zero walks to start the year. That’s the third most Ks to start the year without a walk since 1900 (only behind 2021 Corbin Burnes and 2017 Kenley Jansen). It doesn’t matter if a pitcher has two pitches, if one is unhittable like Gausman’s splitter, and it doesn’t matter what division a pitcher is in if he’s unhittable. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?