I See Your True McCullers Shining Through

“Curve, curve, curve, curve, curve, curve, curve, curve…” Lance McCullers Jr. continued for the next five hours saying, “Curve,” and when he finally finished, Dr. James Andrews asked, “Is that?” McCullers Jr. thought about it and replied, “Curve, curve, I think that’s it.” Dr. James Andrews nodded his head, taking notes and finally he looked up and said, “I think that might be why you need an elbow surgery every year.” So, Lance McCullers Jr. (6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 5.89) had the best game of his new elbow’s life. Looking at his pitch mix is, well, it shouldn’t be funny. To a normal person, it would not be funny, but to me, I chuckle. In 2022, the last time he was pitching, he threw his fastball 1.4% of the time. Incredible. The offspeed and breaking stuff? Oh, he was throwing that all the time. It’s the Way of the Elbow Surgery. He’s returned with a little more reasonable pitch mix. Now he just throws his slider in every count. He threw his fastball twice yesterday out of 102 pitches. He’s basically a changeup/slider pitcher. Which is fine! Hey, whatever works, and yesterday it work extremely well. Pick him up for the upside? Sure, why not? I just don’t know how long this new elbow has. It says, “Expires in 2025,” then on the other side there’s a Missing poster with Yordan’s picture. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ronel Blanco – Done for the season with elbow surgery. Geez, that leaves MLB with zero guys who sound like an ex-wife of Phil Spector. Wait, there’s Ronny Simon. Oh, thank God!

Jacob Wilson – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .353. Around the 7th best shortstop on the Player Rater. Shortstops are not an easy bunch to crack their top ten. Wilson would be the best 2nd baseman if he had that eligibility.

Luis Severino – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.89, as he continues to be a Road Scholar, with a 0.87 ERA on the road. Streamonator has him going at home next time out, so meh.

Clayton Kershaw – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.91. Vintage Kershaw! Vintage as in “old but good” not as in “new again,” as some people use the word. He looked fine in clips I saw, but, c’mon, 5 IP, 1 ER and 3 Ks? That’s vintage as in “not what he once was, and fine-ish for this one game, but not really even that good.”

Tanner Scott – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.62. Sigh, I hate confronting the fact that a closer is struggling because that opens up us (me) to a myriad of questions about who is replacing him when I don’t know. With that said, Vesia is clearcut handcuff if he wasn’t a lefty. Or Yates if he wasn’t injured. I guess Trivino or Vesia. None have been good, tee bee aitch.

Lane Thomas – Dealing with plantar fasciitis, which is worse than an oblique strain for “Yeah, I’m fine to play, I just need a couple days.” Cut to three months later, the player has 35 at-bats total, three hits and is limping every time you see him, shaking his head saying, “I don’t think this is gonna be my year.”

Angel Martinez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .270, as he hits 2nd. He had a 21.8% HardHit% prior to yesterday, that’s basically being struck by a 7-year-old with a swimming noodle.

Landen Roupp – 4 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.54. I searched to see if he left because of an injury, since he was only at 81 pitches, but all I saw was, “This is how starters are used now.” Though he did give up some unearned runs, I guess.

Heliot Ramos – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Around a top 15 outfielder on the year on the Player Rater and a sleeper of mine. Cust kayin’.

Jackson Jobe – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.22. Damn, what a sweet opportunity for The Win Guy to come in, throw one third of an inning and start his march towards 512 wins. Jobe’s velocity was down in this start, and, wait, it gets worse! He gets the White Sox next and Streamonator hates it, which says a lot about Jobe.

Sandy Alcantara – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 8.47. Has anyone tried to unplug Alcantara, blow in his ear and plug him back in? In all seriousness, why are the Marlins continue to throw him? He’s clearly off. Send him to the minors to work on things.

Agustin Ramirez – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .262. Seven homers, that’s in 31 games. A month of May, July, August–Meh, I don’t remember how that works. That being the calendar.

Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, as he was lowered in the order to 7th, because 2025 Marlins Manager’s gotta do stuff. Whether it’s changing the closer for no reason or moving players in the lineup. Idle hands, he does not have.

Otto Lopez – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, as he hit third (lol, ok). Prior to yesterday, he was hitting .214 in May, after a .191 April and one homer total in both months, but Jesus Sanchez is one of the Marlins’ hottest hitters and he was moved to 7th. I need to move on before I get a headache.

Ronny Henriquez – 2 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.30, as he entered in the 7th. “Being the best Marlins’ closer candidate” vs. “2025 Marlins Manager has to do stuff” is a ten-round bout with no winner, only losers. Faucher ended up getting the save, but I imagine someone different will get the next Marlins save.

Gavin Sheets – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Holy Sheets!

Cade Povich – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.29. You in third person, are ignoring White Sox starters. Whyyyyyyyyy, Nancy Kerrigan, are you not ignoring Orioles starters?

Brendan Donovan – 3-for-5, 2 runs, and his 4th homer, hitting .335. Don’t talk about BDon much, but he puts together a solid podcast outline and he’s been a top five 2nd baseman on the Player Rater.

Masyn Winn – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .278. Winn came a homer and triple short of the cycle. Hasn’t been a good cycle since Pee-Wee’s anyway.

Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.08. Once again, it’s Suckies in a road game. If you’re not searching for starters who might be on waivers two weeks in the future who will be facing the Rockies on the road, I question your commitment.

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer. Anyone who’s calling for a PCA “Come to Jesus, he’s turning water into whine about regression moment” is a hater. Drown out the haters!

Noah Cameron – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.05. What’s that, Cameron is better than his teammate Cole Ragans? Haha, you don’t say! In all seriousness, his stuff is not playing that incredibly. Or at least not 1.05 ERA incredibly. He has a 98.9 LOB%, a .153 BABIP and a, c’mon, do I have to continue?

Hunter Greene – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Is a top five starter. Is, present tense, but it’s also a sign of the time, Prince, that Greene is a top five starter and puts out five inning starts with three Ks in 88 pitches.

Nicky Lopez – Signed by the DBacks. Rockies and Angels filed a trademark infringement lawsuit.

Zac Gallen – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.54. Pretend like he strained his oblique already. Not like anyone knows where that is.

Paul Skenes – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.15, as he was pulled with no men on at 96 pitches. Woke has ruined baseball.

Oneil Cruz – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. They call him the Cruz Missile! Not to his face, that would be weird.

Tyler Mahle – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.64. I am riding Mahle until the day it ends. Do I think it’ll end? Yes, he’s not great, let alone this great.

Robert Hassell III – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. III is ridiculous. What’s next, IV? Are you a person or a Star Wars sequel? Hassell? Yeah, to me! He’s at five homers and 11 steals this year, when combining MiLB and MLB in 49 games. That’s 15/30 if things add by three in a sorta way. Three, ya know, like III.

James Wood – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (15) and legs (8). Dude is such a stud, I can’t even. I’m about to put a handkerchief to my forehead and faint I love him so much. In leagues where I drafted Elly and Wood in the 1st two rounds? Coasting like Space Ghost. In leagues where I went Gunnar then Jazz? Straitjacket time!

Josh Bell – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Has stopped playing every day, and, when you’re a switch hitter, that’s a very bad sign. He does tend to get hot, though.

Luis Garcia Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. He’s gonna go 20/20 this year and be underrated again next year.

Logan Evans – Optioned to the minors. He had the misfortune of having options and a working arm.

George Kirby – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 11.42. So, let me see if I have this straight, he’s not okay after having shoulder issues? Hunh, weird.

Tim Anderson – DFA’d by the Angels. It’s your move, Rockies.

Clarke Schmidt – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.95. Still kinda regret dropping Will Warren in a 12-teamer, but this is about Schmidt, Kathy Bates in a hot tub, and I held Clarke and it’s worked out okay.

Pablo Lopez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.75. A bad start? Aw, shucks! Kidding! Eat shizz! Sorry, but he’s not on my teams this year and it makes me very mad!

Drew Rasmussen – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.33. For those of you keeping score at home, Rasmussen is the best Rays starter, and it’s not particularly close.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and his 3rd homer in a week. Hottest schmotato in the land? Lowe and behold!

Junior Caminero – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, 2nd homer in five games. Ya know those little cars at FAO Schwarz? Those are a Junior Camaro. Different thing.

Chandler Simpson – 1-for-4, stole two bags (15, 16), hitting .286. That’s 16 steals in 34 games. The ol’ 75-steal pace. Zoinks!

Griffin Canning – 3 IP, 3 ER, but two more unearned, ERA at 3.23. Ya know you’re living ight when the Regression Fairies come and they’re greeted by the Unearned Run Genie.

Mark Vientos – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. I think it’s safe to say the Mets are hot butter on a toasted piece of rye with pitchers but have no idea what they’re doing developing hitters. Throwing shizz against the wall with hitters, I believe is the coach-speak for it.

Juan Soto – 0-for-4, hitting .224. Sexy Dr. Pepper having a throwback season. Sadly, it’s a throwback to his worst season in 2022.

Shane Smith – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.68. Regression Fairies were in attendance to see Canning and stayed for the other half of the inning. We love our economical fairies.

Andrew Benintendi – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. Ya know what’s funny about upside (not haha funny)? No one ever asks about Benintendi. He has same number of homers as Vientos, one less RBI, hitting .235 vs. .236, and at least a secure job. Oh, he’s not good, I’m merely pointing out something. What is “something?” Umm, let’s move on!

Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.77. FreddyKBB’s having a solid year, hopefully this is not the beginning of The Undoing, a horror film starring FreddyKBB.

Brayan Bello – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.83. Bring in The Win Guy!

Ceddanne Rafaela – 3-for-5 and his 3rd homer. I see Campbell is going to play 1st in the upcoming series and people are talking about how that opens things for Roman Anthony in the near future, i.e., Kristian Campbell gets time at 1B; Marcelo Mayer plays 3B/SS/2B; Trevor Story plays SS (or sits) and Ceddanne Rafaela plays SS (or sits), and, yes, that tracks, but here’s another plausibility: Toro has been great, he plays. Campbell gets sent to the minors, because: Has not been great. Story is DFA’d, because: Awful. Ceddanne actually plays because: Solid for two years for real baseball and not bad for fantasy last year. Mayer plays because: Eff it, they just brought him up. And Roman Anthony is called up because: He should’ve started the year with the Red Sox because he’s the best prospect in baseball.

Wilyer Abreu – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .255, then was removed so Cora could pinch-hit Refsnyder — again, with different words, Cora removed arguably his 3rd best hitter, who homered in his previous at-bat, to put in Refsnyder, who was intentionally walked, then he took the bat out of Mayer’s hands for his worst hitter of the month, Kristian Campbell, who was also walked for Nick Sogard, who is sadly Nick Sogard.