I’ve Been Brainwashed Buy A Colt

The Mariners gave Colt Emerson $95 million. Now the first thing you might think is, how long can he stay in the minors if they’re paying him that much? That was the 2nd thing I thought. The first thing I thought was, what is his life like in the minors with that much money? Is he still pretending to be broke to not make it awkward with his buddies? “Colt? Uh, you have a Mercedes hood ornament in the glove compartment. Hey, why is your Toyota spelled Toyuta? And why is the Toyota spelled in magic marker? Hey, Colt, is this really a Mercedes that you’ve outfitted to look like a Toyota?” “Uhh, Kevin, it’s actually a Toyuta, okay?” You gotta do stuff to not put the buddies off, right? Well, soon, it won’t matter because he’ll be up in the majors. Why it matters? Thank you, clunky expositional question! He has 30/30/.300 ability and he’s 20. Yes, they are growing them younger and younger. To start the year at Triple-A, he’s struggled a bit with Ks, but I have to imagine that’s a blip as he’s distracted by his sudden new tax bracket. He could be as good as the Konnor Griffins, JJ Wetherholts, McGonigles of the world as soon as he arrives, and there’s no reason to keep him in the minors very long. The M’s GM said exactly that the other day. It’s just a matter of time, otherwise the Mariners are gonna look like stooges, paying Emerson that kind of money to pretend to be driving a Toyuta. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:

BUY

Ryan Jeffers – I’m excited for stats to stabilize as much as everyone, but they have not (more in Angel Martinez’s blurb if you want to know when). With that said (Grey’s turning this sucker around), Jeffers’s early numbers look like they’ve improved (if he can maintain them). That’s me on Jeffers on moving on up!  Three on’s for the most confusing pun ever!

Edouard Julien – Kinda surprised Julien is still under 50% rostered. I’m a fan. Sorta forced into a little bit because I roster Julien likely in more leagues than any other player.

Josh Bell – Waiting for him to fade off the upper echelons of the 7-day Player Rater so I can stop talking about him. A rousing endorsement!

Connor Norby – Sending a letter to the Miami Marlins’ front office to have them pass it onto him that he should go by the one name moniker, Connorby. It’s all right there, take advantage!

Dominic Smith – Trying not to think about how I would’ve been better off drafting Dom Smith instead of Vinnie Pasquantino so moving on quickly bye bye!

Mauricio Dubon – Here’s a guy highlighting the big difference between starting the year hot and just getting hot for a random two weeks in, say, August. People are actually thinking Dubon is good and not just a hot schmotato. If you have a Duboner for longer than four days, please see a doctor.

Angel Martinez – In the spring, he had 5 MPH higher max EV (111 MPH) and that has carried over to the season. He’s hitting the ball hard, in the air, and not striking out at all. Exit velocity stabilizes around June, so who knows, but K% stabilizes faster (by end of April) and his is elite, so right now he’s passing the sniff test with solid middle infielder numbers. Couple all of that with playing time, and he’s one of the early players who has seemingly come out of nowhere to intrigue me. Ya know who he reminds me of? 2025’s Geraldo Perdomo. On the down side, Angel also reminds me of Aerosmith, which reminds me of Alicia Silverstone, which reminds me that Clueless is a 31-year-old movie and Alicia Silverstone is turning 50! [screaming at the globe] Stop spinning!

Ildemaro Vargas – I can’t help to see Ildemaro and think of a great Spanish seafood restaurant. I love that seafood paella. Im-pael me with your rice and conch! Any hoo! Vargas has been hot.

Oswald Peraza – It’s not fair how he’s been forgotten, simply because he’s on the Angels. Do you not remember how good the Angels developed Jo Adell? It only took 12 years!

Casey Schmitt – Saw Schmitt had been hot so looked at his stats and it wasn’t even two weeks worth of games. So hot Schmitt, but could turn into cold diarrhea.

Brooks Lee – His value is contingent on how often he gets to see that loser Crochet. I kid, I hope for his and Crochet’s sake.

Jose Fernandez – So, this is broken in MLB: A guy who the club thinks less of like Jose Fernandez gets promoted quickly because they don’t care if they lose control of him. While other guys who are very capable like Ryan Waldschmidt is older than Fernandez, in the same organization and sitting in the minors. Same story as Tommy Troy, same team, sitting in minors. Why? Afraid I’m going to do too many Tommy Tune jokes? Stop being scared!

Jose Caballero – He better get hot because Anthony Volpe is about three weeks away, and, for what I know of Aaron Boone and his possibly suffering-from-CTE managing, Volpe’s starting at least 50% of the time, whether Caballero’s hot or not. See Ben Rice for more examples.

Javier Baez – 2nd year in a row he’s started hot. Better than the very bleak years of 2022 thru 2024 when he was just terrible all year. At one point in 2023, Baez couldn’t walk past the frozen White Castle sliders in the supermarket without swinging.

Jorge Soler – Just saw how many RBIs he has compared to my rostered Jac Caglianone and I began to weep openly.

Mickey Moniak – Not sure he’s really available in competitive leagues, but he was a top 40 outfielder last year. No reason why he can’t be valuable again this year at or near that level. He’s at least worth starting in every home game.

Jake Bauers – A Jamaican accent that I wouldn’t do in public for fear of being canceled, “JaBa, JaBa, I’m callin’ Jake Bauers ‘JaBa’…When I was doing my JaBa ranks, mon, I wasn’t Mr. Loverman, but JaBa thrill me now…” [Cancel Police break down door, dragging me out]But…I was doing the accent in my head! How did you know?

Brandon Marsh – He’s hot (as is every hitter in this post) so don’t take this the wrong way, but if Marsh had 10 homers by May 1st, he’d still end the season with 11 to 12 homers.

Jeremiah Jackson – Big month for the Jacksons with uncle Michael’s biopic coming out. I hear they edited out the allegations against him. They should’ve also edited out his music career. Just had a two-hour movie where he’s hanging out with the chimp, Bubbles. I’d watch that! I believe this Jackson, who also wears one glove (when fielding), will be out of a job when another Jackson returns, that one Holliday, but for now Jermajesty Jackson is The Manjesty. By the way, I know guys heal at different rates, but you think Jackson Holliday is like, “Corbin Carroll and Lindor had hamate surgery the same day as me, and, uh…Maybe I should’ve went to their doctor.”

Taj Bradley – I like Bradley, in general, but this is also a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to its therapist.

Luis Severino – This is also a Streamonator call. “Everyone hates AI, so I took your advice and started saying I’m just A-me.”

Ben Brown – This morning Daniel Palencia hit the IL with an oblique strain, and now how big is my frown, Brown? Or one of the Cubs’ sixteen lefty relievers? When in doubt, go with the righty, but it’s not clear right now. Once someone gets a save, I’d go with them. So, if it’s Caleb Thielbar for the first post-Palencia, I’d go him. Or whomever.

Bryan Baker – Edwin Uceta can be stashed for when he returns because he might get saves in Tampa. Actually, anyone that can throw a baseball might get a save in Tampa. Kevin Kelly has multiple saves in Tampa, and only reason I can think is because he happens to throw a baseball. Doesn’t Ric Flair live in Tampa? Put down the booze, Ric, and get down there, Natural Boy! Woooooooo! SAGNOF!

Caleb Kilian – Just went over the Giants’ closing shituation in the morning roundup. Scroll on, scroller.

Enyel De Los Santos – Could be Enyel or Bryan King or just Josh Hader when he returns. Anyhoo! We have a new bullpen tool! Click the Autopen (if subscriber, you can get free trial) and click the SV column, Frank Voila! You have all the guys most likely to get a save for each day, and R% shows players’ ownership percentages, so scroll down until you get to someone under 100% (or you can enter <80 in the R% column or whatever number for the sort). It’s a new paid tool from Rudy. You’re welcome. Here’s a sneak peek:

Jakob Junis – I could get deep in my feelings how frustrating it is that Junis randomly became the Rangers’ closer instead of Robert Garcia, but by next week Junis might not even be the closer, and maybe it’s Garcia, so we move. (It won’t be Garcia, I can’t have nice things.) Also, the Bullpen Chart got a new look; it now has K%, which I’m excited about. It also has who got a Win, Hold or Save in the last week for every reliever.

Abner Uribe – Brewers are just about done with Megill’s tomfoolery. Enough of your Megilligans!

Kirby Yates – Who is closing for the Angels right now? I can tell you who it shouldn’t be. It shouldn’t be Jordan Romano. Better off with a tub of Pecorino Romano! Or Justin Ruggiano. Yates should return shortly and take over.

Joel Kuhnel – I don’t feel like doing the research, but I wonder if anyone’s ever had a fastball as fast as his (96) and as few strikeouts. Seems almost impossible. Joel Kuhnel, the possessor of the weakest, fastest fastball. Congrats, he said with a thumbs up emoji. The emoji that if you get it in a text, that person hates you.

Mason Montgomery – Not expecting saves here, what I am expecting is strikeouts. Let me nomnomnom on some Ks! Does his walks worry me? Sure, be careful of ratios, you freakin’ wet blanket. Montgomery, Ala-BAM-ME with some Ks! Lots of them, and it’s all I want from him.

SELL

Oneil Cruz – So far in April, the Cruz Missile has 8 HRs, 12 steals, .253 average but most importantly cut his Ks to 27.5%. These are massive improvements–PSYCHE! Or SIKE!, depending on your regional dialect. Did you fall for it? Tell me you did so I can laugh derisively! Give me the opportunity for a mocking laugh! Do you even know what you fell for? Those numbers for Oneil Cruz are accurate, but they’re for his April, 2025. They’re last year’s! The world’s most resounding ZOINKS. A ZOINKS that traveled back in time and was heard on the Artemis II. We’ve seen this show before from Cruz, and it doesn’t end well. It ends more abruptly than Don’t Stop Believing on the jukebox. He supposedly was fixed last April and went on to have a hideous May that looked fantastic against his later months. I love Oneil Cruz, but he is a very flawed player. Still. I wouldn’t trade Oneil Cruz for a dollhouse that has minor termite infestation, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.