Parker Has Oriole Bats Saying “You’re Making Messick!”

You know the GIF of Antonio Banderas from Assassins where he’s leaning back, exhaling and loving life? If you don’t know, don’t google it, because it’ll live in your head like mine and pop up every time you have a pleasurable moment. I now live in GIFs. Something good? Antonio nodding in joyous rapture. Something comes to me suddenly, and I’m Wee Bey from The Wire realizing something. Something is brought to my attention that I agree with? I’m that kid (Brent Rambo) giving a thumbs up from the 90’s Apple promo. They’re like earworms but for my eyes. They’re eyeworms. Parker Messick‘s pitching yesterday was Banderas; his peripherals are Wee Bey; knowing his ERA will naturally get worse but not wanting to know that? That 90’s kid. Yesterday, he went 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.05, as he took a no-hitter into the 9th. Not to complain about every little thing, but I love that he was given the chance to get the no-hitter, but why wasn’t Cade Smith warming up so he was ready to go after the 1st single? Did they need Messick to throw a second single? So, he’s at 8.8 K/9, 2.5 BB/9, 3.11 xFIP and if that sounds like a solid three, high number four starter? It’s because: 90’s kid giving thumbs up. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. JoJo can’t stop, won’t stop!

Mike Trout – 1-for-2, 3 runs with his 7th homer, and, in his visit to the Tri-State area, he hit five homers, nine RBIs, eight runs and hit .375. I have no special affiliation to New Jersey anymore, even though I grew up there. Sure, I’m writing this while eating a pork roll sandwich, and, if anyone calls it Taylor Ham, I will slice their ass. I also changed my middle name to What-Exit. Yes, Atlantic City is the best resort town, and Jersey Shore has the only beaches worth going to in the world, but who cares about Jersey? Fine, I dressed as the Jersey Devil for the last 27 Halloweens, and I have a crush on Snookie, but who cares? Am I currently reenacting my time in Jersey by rolling up the car windows and farting to kill the smell of toxic fumes? Yes, fine, who cares?! Mike Trout does. That’s who. Someone likes home cooking. Not to be a natural born hater, but I have to point out Trout’s done this repeatedly in the latter half of his career and always breaks down. Unless he’s packed pork roll in his suitcase to snack on on other road trips.

Oswald Peraza – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (3) and his 3rd homer in the last four games. I have him on an AL-Only team and I call him My Trout. Because he’s mine. He will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because dur. He’s scalding.

Jo Adell – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in three games. “Jo Adell is cinema,” but said like 45-year-old man who is trying to sound like he’s 22.

Max Fried – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.97. Glad I never liked this guy. Kidding! He’s awesome, just a blip on the radar! Someone get the Blip-Off for my radar!

Aaron Judge – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. I saw MLB tweeted that Judge tied Jordan Walker for the MLB home run lead, and that made me chuckle. Jordan Walker getting some shine!

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 0-for-2, 8th steal, hitting .179, and it’s time we talked about how Jazz could be in serious trouble of losing playing time when Anthony Volpe returns, destined for a platoon with Jose Caballero (3-for-4, 7th and 8th steal) and Amed Rosario (0-for-4).

Ben Rice – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .327. Have an idea for opposing teams: Even if the pitcher is a righty, have them throw with their left hand when Rice comes up so Boone quickly removes him from the lineup.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .273. “Thank you, sweet ‘Carlo.” That’s me addressing the Giancarlo poster I have on my bedroom ceiling.

Jared Jones – Just about at the simulated game phase of his rehab. That’s when players put on white makeup and mime stuff. He’s likely around mid-to-late June for his return, assuming no setbacks.

Braxton Ashcraft – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.38, and he also gave up three unearned for the box scare. Ashcraft’s underlying numbers are still gorge, so don’t get spooked, ghost him or boo.

Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .127. He could get hot off the back of this home run, but his Statcast looks like the Snow Miser.

Foster Griffin – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Nowhere near as beautiful as Ashcraft. His underlying nmbers aren’t even as pretty as, say, Tyler Mahle. So, Griffin: Streamonator.

Brandon Sproat – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.88. I have Sproat in so many deep leagues where I can’t drop him that I’m taking this as an encouraging start. In shallower leagues, I would want to see more, but I’d absolutely be monocle’ing.

Angel Zerpa – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.40, and his 2nd save. Uribe is the Brewers’ closer, and this shows you that Megill isn’t the 2nd choice when Uribe can’t go (because he went last two days).

Patrick Corbin – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.66. The statement “Jays aren’t that bad” tapping out to the statement “Patrick Corbin is pitching for the Jays.”

Bobby Witt Jr. – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .278. Three hits and three whole runs! Finally! A positive! See that, I made fun of him yesterday and now he performs. This is a good takeaway for all you parents out there, when it comes to raising your kids: Mocking works!

Jac Caglianone – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. You salami-eating, Staten Island-living, over-decorator-on-Christmas, let’s go, hit a dong! Get it on!

Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Carter Jensen and Sal P. are the only Royals who seem to know the season started, and that statement’s got stretch marks since neither guy is hitting for any sorta average.

Kris Bubic – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.97. Consistency is important, Mr. Boob Itch, if that is your real name and/or condition.

Vinnie Pasquantino – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer, hitting .155. “Don’t really think it’s legal to carve the innards out of a dead body and use it as a sleeping bag–Hold on! He moved! Vinnie’s alive!”

Lucas Erceg – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.14. Rushing to waivers to get the replacement closer never led to happiness, only heartbreak.

Keider Montero – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.31. He only has two walks in 16 1/3 IP. That gets the juices flowing a little bit. His 8-ish K/9 would play with that kind of command, if he can maintain it. Prolly more of a number five to six, in best case scenario, but that’s something for 15-team mixed leagues and deeper.

Dillon Dingler – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Thank you for rewarding me for dressing as a turd every day of the baseball season and telling people I’m a Dingler Dangler.

Everson Pereira – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, and that’s in less than a week of games, and he’s hitting cleanup for the Shite Sox. He’s a hot schmotato, yes, but in broader picture: he’s a guy that can go 25/25/with an average so low he won’t go 25/25 because they’d never give him enough at-bats nor would he make enough contact. We’re talking a .150 hitter, if that. But big power and speed.

Miguel Vargas – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer, and his 2nd hit since April 6th, as he hits .159. Welp, at least the Shite Sox have him buried in their lineup. Oops! Forgot I was standing on my head. Vargas is hitting leadoff.

Seranthony Dominguez – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 7.50, and his 2nd blown save. Why is Grant Taylor not their closer? Money reasons? What if I told you Reinsdorf has $5 billion dollars and is an unhealthy 90 years old? Still care about money?

Steven Matz – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.80. Just googled, “Steven Matz stats,” and Google asked, “Why?” and I said, “In case I want to pick him up in my fantasy league,” and Google said, “Are you crackers? Are you Charles Bronson because it sounds like you have a death wish? Do you hate yourself? Answer me, User!” I’m scared.

Junior Caminero – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. [beeping at people in line to buy gifts while driving my toy car around FAO Schwarz] Move it, my Junior Caminero needs room to vroom!

Bryan Baker – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.68, and his 4th save. He’d be leading the league in saves if Cash ever committed to him. By the way, he’s solid and if Cash committed to him, then they could trade him in July for more. But I’m making too much sense!

Luis Castillo – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.40. He looks severely broken. He wasn’t fooling anyone. Walker Buehler (5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.58), who is not good, looked better than Castillo. If you can’t get it together for the Eddie Vedder Cup, you have to find a better man.

Hunter Goodman – 2-for-3, and his 5th homer, 3rd homer in three games. I said a better man, but I’d take a Goodman.

Chase Dollander – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.32, and keeps coming in after the Opener. Not sure why he’s not starting, but he looks exceptional — 10.9 K/9, 2.8 BB/9, 2.87 xFIP, velo up to 99 MPH, and basically an unhittable slider. Rockies are such a tough team to own a pitcher on, but Chase looks worth a FAAB Dollander or two.

Jakob Junis – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.89 as he entered the 7th inning of what would’ve been a save chance. Oh, it was to face the 7th, 8th and 9th hitter too, “So what now King Vulture of the Vulture Saves?” I ask my stuffed vulture I have above my desk that is missing an eye because of an attempted curse I hired a witch for that backfired with five years of bad vulture save luck.

Josh Jung – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. That makes him simply tied with every Italian I have from the Kansas City Freakin’ Royals!

Justin Sterner – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.66. A’s are a fun team, but they could really use a shutdown reliever. Oh well…In unrelated news, has anyone heard from Mason Miller recently?

Sung-Mun Song – Optioned to minors. Worst Neil Diamond diss since Kate Hudson lost the Oscar. We love you, K-Hud!

Tatsuya Imai – Played catch on Thursday. Great, since my fantasy league has “Harry Chapin Moments” category.

Chase Burns – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.42. It’s nice when you love a guy and he actually rewards your big, generous heart.

Daniel Susac – Only took Tonnato Vitello three weeks to figure out he should be starting a catcher hitting .500, and said Susac could start 50% of the time with Bailey. Kinda useless information outside of NL-Only.

Erik Miller – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 6.00, and the 1st Giants save in something like three weeks. Ryan Walker (1 IP, 0 ER) is clearly not the closer, as he entered the 7th inning yet again. I saw E. Miller in the box score and you could’ve said my life depended on naming who that was and I would’ve guessed Ezra Miller broke into the Giants’ clubhouse in nothing but boxers high on opioids, insisting he close the game. Tonnato Vitello is definitely putting his stamp on this team, and that stamp reads, “Stinks.” I’d still guess Caleb Kilian for saves, but it’s totally unclear, and no one is getting more than 10 saves on this team.

Landen Roupp – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.38. Pitching the best he’s ever pitched in the majors, and he has a career 3.68 ERA in 173 2/3 IP, which I point out to say he’s not pitched poorly prior to this year. Mentioned this already once before this year, but it didn’t make sense that Roupp was forgotten and left for dead in preseason drafts. Maybe because his grandfather was Adolph Roupp and no one wants any connection to any Adolph? Well, what about a dolphin, do you not want any part of those? Because if dolphins are secretly plotting to take over the world, they’re listening to your thoughts right now, so they know. It’s too late to take back what you thought. It’s too late to buy a dolphin nightlight off Etsy. You’re sunk! I have your back, new dolphin rulers. (Yes, this was written on the .000000000000000001% chance dolphins take over the world, so they think I’m on their side. Wait, crap, hmm, here’s hoping they can’t read a parenthetical.) Roupp’s next chance is vs. the Dodgers, but it’s at home and you gotta let him sink or swim (like dolphins!), even if the Streamonator hates it.