Logan Webb finally returns to the ace pitcher you drafted. Or so you thought! Were you thinking that? I don’t know what you’re thinking. Hold on, let me mind meld with you. [pinches temples, wavy lines indicating I’m now inside your mind] I can now read your mind. You are thinking, “Me so dwunky on booze.” Okay, very illuminating! So, you weren’t thinking about Logan Webb, but you could’ve been! Yesterday, he went 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.25. Now, I could say Webb gem and move on, and I’d have every right to. You’re dwunky, what do you care? I will stop to say Webb has his worst numbers since his 2020 season (Season? More like 54 1/3 IP), and something seems legitimately off. His Ks are way down (7.7 K/9), his walks are up (2.9 BB/9) and his luck is a bit off, but he’s also getting hit hard. Maybe it’s the knee still bothering him. Maybe it’s something else, but if you can take this nice start and sell him, I would. And swober up! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Victor Bericoto – 1-for-3 and his 1st career homer. Fun fact! That’s what Heart was singing in their hit song, “You’d have me down, down, down, down on my knees…Now wouldn’t ya, Bericoto?”
Robert Gasser – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.73 as he was recalled. Might be one and done in the rotation, but also: Why would they continue to go to Sproat and not Gasser?
Noelvi Marte – Called up by the Reds. I wrote to Hallmark a few weeks ago, “You know that card of yours, ‘If you love someone, set them free. If it’s meant to be, they’ll be returned to you?’ Okay, I get the sentiment, but I set Noelvi Marte free months ago, and he hasn’t returned. So, what gives?” Today, I received a Hallmark card in the mail, it read, “There’s no time limit, you moron.” Then I opened a second card, “This is about Noelvi Marte being called up. Thank you for your patronage!” How did they know I’d open the cards in the right order? Hmm, oh well! So, Noelvi Marte went 8/9/.369 in 160 MiLB at-bats and is more than ready to contribute on the MLB level. They said he is back to kickstart the Reds’ offense, sending down TJ Friedl. Please, I am begging they did not call him up to sit on the bench. I can’t set him free again and wait however long it takes again. [ten minutes later sees Noelvi Marte is on the bench for his first game up] You son of a–
Blake Dunn – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .276. The actual recipient of TJ Friedl’s playing time and making good with it. Likely not a long-term guy, but he has been hot and hitting leadoff. In general, he has a little bit of power and solid speed. Think 7/25/.250 in 162 games.
Tony Santillan – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.65. Was a Kazaam, but still. Woof, dawg. I don’t even know who’s behind him in line. I guess Caleb Ferguson, but that would take Tito Francona looking past him being a lefty. Brock Burke is there too, but also a lefty and you didn’t even know if I made up that name.
Chase Burns – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.05. No, he’s not a 2.05 ERA pitcher, but he’s not terribly far off, i.e., will Chase Burns? Yes, maybe a little at some point.
Vinnie Pasquantino – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Oh my God, could this be real? An actual Pasketti homer? I need to sit down. [sits in a beanbag that is outfitted to look like Sly Stallone, while my mustachioed mother makes me lasagna in the background, scream-singing to Sinatra’s Greatest Hits]
Nick Loftin – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Loftin? I’ll say! High five me right now! No? Okay.
Stephen Kolek – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.32. He had supremely good command already (that’s not command with sour cream), and it’s been better this year. Mostly a Streamonator call, but I wouldn’t even had said that before this year.
Alex Lange – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.33, and his 1st save. Lol, how deep did the Royals look for a closer in their depth chart? So, I don’t know if he’s taking over for Erceg, but there’s a lot worse things than grabbing the first guy who gets a save.
Jeffrey Springs – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.37. If I can’t start you at home or on the road, is there a magical third option?
Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Seiya ball!
Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, as he’s moved towards the top of the order of late, which is bizzonkers, but I’m trying not to be a hater.
Spencer Arrighetti – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 1.94. He was the AL Pitcher of the Month of May, and to that I say, can you sell? Then SELL!
Isaac Paredes – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in a week. After every Paredes homer, I get my hopes sky-high for him. So far? [raspberries lips] But maybe now finally he’s doing something.
Paul Skenes – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.09. The perfect 1st rounder.
Nick Gonzales – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .314, 2nd homer in three games. Seems like a legit hitter, just not the best for fantasy because mostly a 4020.
Wade Meckler – 4-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .389. Don’t sleep on the Smeckler!
Vaughn Grissom – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Okay, as for Smeckler and Grissom and anyone hitting against the Suckies, they are the Suckies.
Walbert Urena – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.68. You snuck in, got the Suckies, now sneak out. The Snuckies move! The infamous Snook Ones.
Corbin Burnes – Suffered a setback and now is closer to a September return. September becomes, “Meh, ya know what, why don’t we let you go to Driveline in December and see ya back here fresh-faced and ready to boogie-woogie-bugle-boy-in-company-B the first week of Spring Training?”
Shohei Ohtani – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.74, and 3-for-4, 2 walks 1 run. He had more hits in this game as he’s allowed in last two starts. And two walks in this game as a hitter, and one as a pitcher. Oh, dot dot dot, 0.74 ERA? Third best in MLB history through 10 starts. DeGrom 0.56 in 2021; Juan Marichal 0.59 in 1966 and Ohtani.
Kyle Tucker – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. “There’s zero chance you’re gonna fit that body down the garbage disposal–Hold on! He moved! Tucker’s alive!”
MacKenzie Gore – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.23. My doctor said my ulcer this year is only at 34% flare thanks to not drafting Gore anywhere. Thanks, Dr. Nick!
Jonah Tong – Optioned to the minors. Jokes aside (were there jokes?), someone should answer for why Tong was even promoted. He was clearly a mess in the minors. Someone hire me in the Mets organization, I will fix them in less than 12 months. [Day after being hired, struck dead by lightning]
Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. After the game, FreddyKBB revealed a new tattoo. It read, “Please trade for me.”
J.P. Crawford – 3-for-4 and his 10th homer, 3rd homer in a week. Just Peachy’s been in roughly six of the last six Buy columns, and seems headed there again.
George Kirby – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.04. Lucky it wasn’t worse. Don’t feel lucky? I can understand that. It’s about perspective. Walk into a public outhouse and look at Kirby’s line. Worse, right? See?
Kyle Manzardo – 3-for-4 and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Could be he’s finally breaking out of the early-season doldrums and putting together a real hot streak. Or it’s nice the Yankees’ right field porch is close enough for a little how’s your father.
Jose Ramirez – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (9) and legs (21), hitting .245. Also, in this game, Rhys Hoskins (2-for-3, 3 RBIs) hit his 6th homer. Hoskins and Jose or the Very Amazin’ Joskins.
Gavin Williams – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Not even exactly sure how he allowed two solo homers, only one walk and had 96 pitches through five and a third. Did Volpe foul off 75 pitches? That bastard!
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .239. Getting that Fallon bump.
Jose Caballero – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .263. A ten-homer pace is lovely for a guy like Caballero because it comes with a 30-plus steal, hand in glove. Is that an idiom? It sounds like it, hand in glove.
Gerrit Cole – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.00. Struggled a bit, obviously, but you know what’s so lovely? When you have a guy leave with two runners on, as Cole did, and they don’t automatically come in to tack onto your line. Must be nice!
Grant Holmes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Not to be a broken record but they’re coaching up guys. Not to be a broken record but they’re coaching up guys. Not to be–Sorry.
Ozzie Albies – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. After a May to forget, here’s to a big June! Or if you don’t have him, then here’s to a crappy June! I don’t care. Choose your own adventure.
Mauricio Dubon – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .249. I’m kinda committed to the Mateo narrative now, can we go back to that?
Nathan Lukes – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Ooh, I can see it now! This All-Star Game, the Sarcastic Home Run Derby! Lukes vs. Tatis!
Nick Martinez – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.29. I’ll admit to loving me some schadenfreude for guys who I don’t have who get sideswiped by the Regression Fairies in their Mazda Miata.
Cedric Mullins – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Cedric the HRtainer!
Jake Rogers – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Elias Sports Bureau said, “Going off of Rogers’s mustache, this is the first home run ever by a walrus.”
Dillon Dingler – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .241, and his 3rd homer in three games, and 4th homer in a week. If Cal Raleigh was doing what Dingler was doing, you wouldn’t be as furious about drafting him. Though, if someone’s butt was that big named Dingler, he would’ve been shut down. Like how you couldn’t show a working toilet on a TV show, you can’t have a giant butt named Dingler.
Troy Melton – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.74. I grabbed Melton in my RCL league, after he was activated, and have no plans on dropping him. That is a very shallow league. Here’s a refresher from last week, “So, he blew away minor leaguers in his rehab, and for the better part of the last four years — 2025’s numbers: 75 1/3 IP, 12.1 K/9, 2.4 BB/9, 2.99 ERA. He was touching 97 MPH yesterday and sat 96, which is where he should be. Has struggled to stay healthy and likely needs some polish to get out lefties, but these are small quibbles. He looked fantastic yesterday, and I looked to pick up Melton in every league.” And that’s me quoting me! I do not say “I looked to pick him up in every league” as a goof. I do not say that for everyone available.
Taj Bradley – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.58. His underlying numbers still say he’s pitching well, but, unfortunately, his underlying numbers when he had a 5.59 ERA were similar. He seems to struggle with not fooling an elite amount of hitters. His O-Swing% is 89th in the league. Hitters also make a decent amount of in-zone contact and that contact? He’s in the bottom 3% for Exit Velocity. He’s an interesting case study for a guy who should be unlocked, but he doesn’t pitch for the Brewers. Maybe one day!
Erick Fedde – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.94. Fedde un-Wopped with Marc Summers! I wouldn’t even Streamonator him.
Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, 3rd homer this week. Hot schmotato alert!
Wilyer Abreu – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Wilyer is one of those sneaky top 40 outfielders that you don’t necessarily love owning but he gets you value, per the Player Rater. (He’s around top 30 outfielders now.)
Payton Tolle – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.28. Always find it amazing when pitchers succeed in that park, and Tolle is doing exactly that. Stupid giant wall 310-feet from the plate or not. Tolle is doing it, and ‘it’ being looking like a strong number two.
Esteury Ruiz – 1-for-2 and his 3rd homer. The river runs through it!
Max Meyer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.81. Because I was looking at O-Swing% and other metrics for Taj, Meyer is wildly better. I mean, of course, but I’m Cust kayin’ here: Meyer is pitching as well as you think.
Cristopher Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.46. An earned run? Yikes. Frankly, that’s embarrassing. So, his scoreless streak ended at 50 2/3 IP and once again Orel remains unattainable quest for every pitcher and married man.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3 and his 23rd homer. Oh, yeah, it’s June, Happy Schwarber Month!
J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Jerry Tomato ketchup’d to that one!
Walker Buehler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.53. Buehler deserved better. It was ingenious to put a mannequin in his bed to simulate a sick child home from school–[intern whispers]–Oh, Walker Buehler? No, I don’t care for him.
Nick Castellanos – Designated for assignment. I suggest he take his career earnings and open a bar that is an exact replica of the Phillies’ dugout.
