Buy Me A River

Blake Snell had loose bodies removed, which is basically the end of every party in LA. If you’re not having loose bodies removed, and you’re at an LA party? I’m sorry, you got Carvel serving Fudgie the Whale? Because no self-respecting party in LA has zero loose bodies removed. I remember one party where they had a pool skimmer out and were like, “Crap, that’s why the pool’s filter is stuck, it’s got a loose body in there.” Then you call up Dr. Neal Elattrache and he reads his business card when he answers, “This is Dr. Neil and I do loose body removal.” It’s pretty standard stuff. So, you know where you’ll never find a loose body in LA? In River Ryan, because LA has no rivers. That thing in the movie, Chinatown, is barely a reservoir. So, River’s velocity has returned to pre-TJ levels (101 MPH) and has eaten minor-league hitters up (11.8 K/9, 1.7 BB/9), and this is essentially what he’s done every step of the way. There’s zero reason to not take a chance on him in every league for his impending callup, because Eric Lauer is not a real answer for the Dodgers. Worst case scenario, Ryan’s called up, not good and you drop him. Or I guess, worst for him, would be a loose body floats up in his arm reservoir. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:

BUY

Mitch Garver – There’s zero catchers hitting this week. I can’t remember it this bad any other week ever. Though, I can only remember, like, the last ten days.

Nathaniel Lowe – You think he stretched out his name to Nathaniel because when it was Nathan Lowe, people would keep asking him if he was in The Birdcage?

Jake Bauers – There’s guys who are hot this week and then there’s a guy like Jake Bauers, who I can’t figure out how he can be on waivers in any league. He’s basically blowing away Vlad Jr. in season-long value.

Spencer Horwitz – So, this is wild. As of this writing (I’m not gonna doublecheck this on Friday, so it might be different when the non-Patreon people read this), but on the 30-day Player Rater, there’s 32 1st basemen in the top 100. More than a third of all hitters in the top 100 are 1st basemen! (There’s 12 3rd basemen for comp sake.)

Curtis Mead – This is your Curtisy call to remind you these players are hot, according to the 7-day Player Rater, but also Mead is now locked into the three-hole of a very decent lineup.

Coby Mayo – The other day I said the O’s have never developed a hitter or pitcher, but I’m rethinking that. What if they just draft terribly? What if these guys were always what they were?

Oswald Peraza – His stats so far this year look like a guy who understands how to give fantasy value. He’s doing what he can. If he had runs and RBIs to go with his power and speed, he’d basically be a top ten 3rd baseman (not a huge endorsement, but it’s something).

Chase Meidroth – White Sox are not a bad hitting team (they have some decent pitchers too), and Meidroth has been in the middle of that. Or rather at the forefront, since he’s hitting leadoff at least part-time.

Nick Allen – In this house, we call him Knick Allen. [tosses a crumpled piece of paper at a wastepaper basket and misses by five feet]

Tommy Troy – Here’s what I said when he was called up, “To call him up, they used Tommy Troy’s number, 867-5309. I looked up Tommy Tutone songs to see if I were forgetting any, and they listed their top songs as:

Jenny/867-5309
867-5309/Jenny

I love that for them. Imagine you had that phone number at any point in the last 40 years. You’d tell someone your phone number and then you’d have to pause for ten seconds while they sang the song and asked if they can call you, Jenny. The person with that phone number must’ve purposely said their number out of rhythm. “Um, yeah, it’s 8, ya got that? Cool, then it’s 6. All right, still with me? Cool, 7, 5, 3…You got those? Excellent, add a zero and a nine.” So, DBacks said they’ll play Troy while Lou-Gu-Ju is out with a fairly benign hamstring injury. Here’s Itch, “The 12th overall pick out of Stanford in 2023, Tommy Troy made some swing-adjustments as a professional and enjoyed a breakout season in 2025, slashing .289/.382/.451 with 15 home runs, 24 stolen bases and a 16.9 percent strikeout rate in 125 games across Double (87 g) and Triple-A (38 g). He’ll likely open the season back in Reno and could produce some loud outcomes in that hitter-friendly setting. I’ll be interested to see if they start trying him in the outfield corners as he’s got speed to burn, and I’d like to take a hot poker to Grey.” What? So, they have tried him in the outfield corners, and that’s where he’s playing now. Troy’s a 40+ steal guy who has power and was hitting .307 in Triple-A this year (.411 BABIP, but still). I’m a pretty big fan, but he needs to hit the ground running to not get sent back down when Lou-Gu-Ju returns. It could happen, and his skills translate well, but likely 15-team mixed and deeper at this point. After yesterday, Tommy Troy is already better than a one-hit wonder.” And that’s me quoting me!

Colt Emerson – Already gave you a Colt Emerson fantasy. It was written while riding shotgun with a student driver.

Anthony Volpe – Yanks have committed to Volpe working for them, until they trade him for James Wood, according to @WhenNoOnesGotUsSteinbrennersGotUs.

Nolan Arenado – Bauers and Arenado should not be available in any league, but Arenado is a little more understandable, since he is on The Big Fade, which is not noir nor has it ever been, he said like brooding Dr. Seuss.

Miguel Andujar – Brucely, I find it amusing that Andujar is the best hitter on the Padres, out-classing Tatis, Machado, and Merrill.

Alec Bohm – Has now appeared in the Buy column more times than his mother has gone to a pawn shop with his jewelry.

Heriberto Hernandez – His pronouns are Him/Heriberto. And his playing time is eh/meh.

Rikuu Nishida – Here’s what I said the other day, “Called up by the White Sox. He likely knows Murakami and Kay too. Ya know, because they’re now all on the White Sox. Nishida has Chandler Simpson-like speed and hit tool. He’s a Japanese Simpson. Call him Homer-san. He could get a chance to play some, but we’ll see because Austin Hays is due back soon.” And that’s me quoting me!

Ryan Vilade – It may not seem it, but I look at every guy’s stats page in this post. If I feel the need to point out something, I will. Most times it’s, “Meh, he’s hot, what’s to say about his stats?” Vilade, how’sever, he must’ve pissed off a lot of people along the way or was behind better players, because he has a minor league year of 12/24/.303, then 13/20/.278 in Triple-A, then 17/11/.290 in Triple-A. That’s with four different teams! One of those should’ve been enough, but this year is the first time he’s seeing real playing time in the majors. Not saying he’s incredible, but he shouldn’t be 27 with less than 30 games in the majors coming into this year.

Colton Cowser – Ya know how I keep saying stop throwing Murakami fastballs and maybe you can get him out? That’s the entire Orioles team. I’m not sure Cowser has ever hit a curve.

Leody Taveras – Saw Leody was above Tatis on the season-long Player Rater, and I became despondent, watching windshield wipers going back and forth on a dry windshield, with no clouds in sight.

Christian Scott – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to Wells Fargo.

Foster Griffin – This is also a Streamonator call. “I owe money to the ATM in your parking lot. We went out on a date and I forgot my wallet.”

Kyle Finnegan – Should be the replacement for Kenley Jansen. Will Vest gets Ks, I heard his name when discussing a 401K, but Finnegan’s been the 8th inning guy and has closer experience.

Daniel Lynch IV – So, I don’t think Erceg is just out, but Lynch has performed well this year. He looks better than previous incarnations we’ve seen from him. Way better than Daniel Lynch, Daniel Lynch II, or Daniel Lynch III.

Bryan King – Astros seem to switch up their Bryans once every two weeks in their closer hierarchy. Guess it’s up to them, ya know, because with B. King, you can have it your way.

Richard Lovelady – Could list Hogan Harris, Yoendrys Gomez, Juan Mejia and other guys who are terrible, who might get saves, and, would ya look at that, I just did! So, is Dick Lovelady in front of Gus Varland for saves? Has Dick moved to the head of the pen? That’s not much a pen! Excuse me, I’m saying the Nats’ pen isn’t great.

Pierce Johnson – Could get Reds saves, and, if you have the Lovelady and Pierce Johnson, you can start up your own NSFW subreddit. Tony Santillan could also get Reds saves.

Kevin Kelly – Has one of the best reliever pitches in baseball. Let that sinker in.

SELL