Yanks’ Bats Don’t Want To Dance With No-Hitney Houston

On Sunday, Jose Urquidy went 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.36, which, honestly, is kinda whatever, until you hear this one. The Giancarlo homer (his 17th) in the 7th was the first hit by the Yankees in 16 1/3 IP, and nearly 41 hours. *letting out the longest woof known to man* On Saturday, Cristian Javier didn’t come up short (7 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, one walk, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.73). Well, he kinda did, since the Astros needed two more pitchers for the combined no-hitter in Yankee Stadium. After the game, there was an interview with Cristian Javier where he thanked God multiple times, so as we thought, God hates the Yankees. It’s a brutal way to lose a game, but it’s gotta be demoralizing to hear the Big Man Upstairs hates your guts. Listen, no-hit me, talk that trash, but thank God afterwards proving God hates me? That’s soul-crushing. Actually, I’m a bit scared to write about the no-hitter. The Clay Holmes’s official scorer might go in and change a ground ball to a hit just to feel something. Welp, we got ourselves a top 100 starts of the year page, and you can see for yourself where Javier landed with that gem. If you got sonavabenched by that one, well, God might not like you either. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jeremy Pena – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “When I’m doing something, I’m Keving.”

Jose Altuve – 1-for-3 and a slam (15) and double legs (4, 5). Well, metaphorically “legs.”

Aroldis Chapman – Could return any day now, and Boone said Chapman will be pitching the 9th. Boone also said, “Hopefully Aroldis gets hurt again quickly.” Wait, that wasn’t Boone, that was me, an owner of Clay Holmes.

DJ LeMahieu – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Houston, we have a DJ problem (someone misplaced their Geto Boys record, and there’s a group of little people wearing Bushwick Bill shirts cracking their knuckles).

Aaron Judge – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer. There’s only one way to make Aaron Judge appear small, it’s when putting him so far ahead in the MVP race.

Gleyber Torres – Went down in a heap on a bad baserunning play, that seemed a bit like a Rod Tidwell move, where he stayed down to distract from him getting picked off 3rd with two outs. Guess we’ll see if Gleyber needs an IL stint or a lesson in baserunning basics. Yanks are saying for now, a mild ankle sprain. Sounds more like a bad baserunning decision.

Nestor Cortes – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.51. He has a top five mustache, so it is with much regret I must say he doesn’t look nearly as dominant as in April/May.

Jarren Duran – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .327, as he hits leadoff. Yes, he was in Friday’s Buy, but he won’t be traveling to Toronto this week. I wonder if he has the same recurring nightmare about drowning in maple syrup while Bob and Doug McKenzie watch on.

Ty France – MRI showed a Grade-2 flexor strain. Usually means his flexor strain can do basic math, but the times tables are out of the question–*intern whispers in ear*–hearing that it’s more of an injury that could knock him out for roughly a month. Dylan Moore figures to see, uh, more time. He’s got some giddy up in SAGNOF.

Marco Gonzales – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.31 as he was one of the only players not ejected from yesterday’s game. On Saturday, a pitch by Erik Swanson went too close to Trout for the Angels’ liking, and the Angels tried to retaliate by hitting Jul-Rod, but missed, so they hit Winker in the fanny, and then it was on like Donkey Kong, and Rendon went left-handed again to get a little taste of the Winker moneymaker, and all I could think was, “Can we put Rendon and Winker in a cage to battle to the death so I never have to draft one of them again?”

Jonathan India – Didn’t start on Sunday, after being hit on the hand on Saturday, but the x-rays came back negative. Phew, that’ll mean he’ll only miss two to three months.

Nick Senzel – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .236. Reds did a ton of damage yesterday, because Jonathan India was out of the lineup. I won’t hear other explanations.

Tyler Mahle – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.53. My confidence level with Mahle is about the same when I’m told there’s beef in a Taco Bell chalupa.

Anthony DeSclafani – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 9.95. Yo, Disco, stop disrespecting Gloria Gaynor’s legacy.

Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in the last five games. Carl’s Jr. Jr. could be a light schmotato.

Bryce Harper – Hit the IL with a fractured thumb. *screaming at the heavens* “Not like this!” Sorry, Harper owners, that sucks. Not unlike your thumb that you’re sucking as you ask your mother’s friend Susan to cradle you in her arms. First, the tear in his UCL, and now the thumb. Bryce is the “It’s merely a flesh wound” guy from Monty Python this year.

Seranthony Dominguez – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.63, and his 2nd save on Saturday, as Brad Hand worked a clean 8th. All right, I’m calling it. This is the Hannibal Seranthony Hopkins’s job to chew up and spit out with some Chianti.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 21st homer. Hopefully, Schwarber can pass the home-run-hitting torch off to Nick Castellanos (4-for-5, 1 run, 3rd steal) so he stops hitting like Juan Pierre.

Blake Snell – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.60. I wouldn’t trade a slapdick prospect for Blake Snell.

Lou Trivino – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 7.17, and his 4th save. Welp, as predicted here three months ago, while being wrong for 89 of the last 90 days, Trivino is getting saves for the A’s to build up his trade value.

Seth Brown – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, and his 5th homer in June, as he hit .250-ish in the last thirty days. Was trying to build to “this guy is hot” but didn’t fully get there.

Tony Gonsolin – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.58 vs. Spencer Strider- 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.02. Before the game, Gonsolin was teaching Strider what appeared to be white-man-choreographed dance moves, but, when asked, he said, with an overbite, “I’m showing him how to avoid the Regression Fairies.”

Kenley Jansen – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.58, and his 4th blown save. The Dodgers were howling at that one. What a loser! That’s why they went out and got Craig Kimbrel. Oh, wait, he blew the save too. Brusdar Graterol (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.01) got his 1st save, and becomes Kimbrel’s handcuff after Daniel Hudson tore his ACL.

Miles Mikolas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.57. Expected nothing from Mikolas this year. Picked him up in my shallowest league, and he’s more of an automatic start than my “ace” *cough* Robbie Ray *cough*

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. Au Shizz!

Brendan Donovan – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Cardinals pinch their eyes close real tight, and conjure up great players.

Juan Yepez – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. While I was looking at Yepez’s home run, I was horrified to see my browser cookies were telling ESPN to offer me an ad for a Train concert, and further mortified when I was like, “Hmm, Drops of Jupiter is a jam.”

Jack Flaherty – Left yesterday’s start with a stiff shoulder. Do pitchers ever come back from shoulder injuries? Not to answer but to ruminate.

Lance Lynn – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.19. I kinda liked it better when Lynn was on the IL. Everyone on the White Sox gets hurt, can’t Lynn sneeze and throw out his back?

Dylan Cease – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.56. That’s thirteen strikeouts in 101 pitches. Not sure why that makes me feel like a Southern belle, but *fans self* Daddy, bring me some Country Time Lemonade, I am sweltering.

Carson Kelly – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .122. *holds a mirror to Carson Kelly’s nose, it fogs up* I think he’s still here!

Daulton Varsho – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, and his 10th homer, hitting .239. He took so much time off from doing anything in June he was moved down to the 7-hole, and the Diamondbacks only have one other hitter.

Ezequiel Duran – Sent down to the minors, so the Rangers can be reminded with a view of his skill.

Josiah Gray – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Jos. Gray more like Jos. take it to A Bank!

Jackson Tetreault – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.24. Wasn’t a ton of offense on Sunday. Well, unless facing Jose Berrios. As for Tetreault, well, the Nats’ pitching has Josiah Gray!

Jonah Heim – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. About as valuable on the Player Rater as Jerry Tomato Realmuto. That’s a small woof for J.T., and tiny woo for Heim.

Trevor Rogers – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.86. Kinda feel bad for the people who still own Trevor Rogers because it means they’re trapped under a heavy object and can’t get to their fantasy team page.

Miguel Rojas – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .236. Meh, that’s fine, but if you’re batting right behind Berti, as Rojas was yesterday, your one job is to take literally all pitches in case Berti wants to run.

Daniel Castano – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.57 vs. David Peterson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Thinking about having these two guys, who shouldn’t be good, instead of actually having Jose Berrios and some amorphous “Berrios is supposed to be better,” and sobbing loudly in a public place.

Brandon Nimmo – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .278. Nimmo’s been terrible all month of June. Clearly, no Pride.

Corey Kluber – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.45. You know the drill: Streamonator.

Jose Berrios – 2 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.86. Spends five minutes teaching a kangaroo how to throw a baseball. Instead of throwing the baseball, the kangaroo just punches you in the gut. You’re signed, Rooey! Welcome to my fantasy team! You can’t be worse than Jose Berrios.

Alejandro Kirk – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Jays are kinda secretly disappointing this year, but Kirk has been extremely undisappointing. Appointing? Jose Berrios has caused me to lose my grasp of the English language.

Hunter Renfroe – Hit the IL with a calf strain. This injury was out of his control. I have him in a league where I’m cursed, and I’ve cursed all the players I come in contact with. Apologies in advance to Austin Hays. I know he’s having a great year, but it’s out of his control! This Renfroe injury could be a boost for Tyrone Taylor.

Rowdy Tellez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. Both Tellez and Kirk homered in this game to honor those who have dressed as Humpty Dumpty for more than one Halloween.

Roansy Contreras – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, 5 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.76 vs. Shane McClanahan – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.77. This matchup was billed as “Rays pitcher vs. a pitcher who will one day be a Rays pitcher and an ace.”

Wander Franco – 1-for-5 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I was just siphoning off a little bit of gas from the break room gas oven to fuel my car to get home. I didn’t know that was going to cause a building-wide evacuation.”

Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer, hitting .258. Without a shirt, Chazz Noir brushing his horse’s mane, talking to a fantasy baseballer, “Hey, kid, you ever ride a really, really old horse?”

Chris Archer – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.14. An Archer with pi…that’s gotta be apple! This was an easy Streamonator call, and his next one is not.

Jhoan Duran – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.18, and his 5th save, as Pagan (1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.91) pitched in the 6th inning. Bocco Raldelli mixing things up! Muck fe, you bon of a see.

Trevor Larnach – Hit the IL with a core muscle strain. Good news for Celestino/Garlick. Not the outfield platoon, the Sbarro combo plate.