Just got back from the First Annual Razzball Flag Football Competition, where we took on Bishop Sycamore in a battle of the fake schools. As expected, Donkey Teeth served as a quarterback while Grey stood on the sidelines wearing his “Coach” attire. It was a little weird to see him wandering around with a $10,000 handbag, but I don’t judge. Rudy called the plays, although his reliance on bootleg plays 90% of the time really underestimated DT’s ability to turn left. He’s a donkey, Rudy! He goes forwards! Besides from DT being stubborn, the game played out fairly nicely, with yours truly spraining an ankle in the first 30 seconds and then spending the next hour watching the game from the shade of a tree with a little adult beverage. In the end, Bishop Sycamore defeated the Razzballers 122-6, our only points coming from an accidental pick-6 when Coolwhip designed a replica Bishop Sycamore jersey and snuck onto the other team. Their rosters were so confusing they didn’t notice. On to the Greinke graphic and the pitchers! Hut, hut, hike!
Blake Snell: Over on the football side, I remarked that we need to balance patience with sunk cost to determine when to give up on a player. Did you give up on Blakenship Snell? If you did, that’s fine. For 75% of his season, Snell had a 5+ ERA, 4.50+ FIP/SIERA, and a blah 4.16 xFIP. His walk rate? About 6. We always joke about you and I going out to the ol’ ballfield when it’s not inundated with floodwaters and throwing a couple strikes, and I’d put some Dogecoin on your ability to not walk 6 batters. Wait, whut? Dodgecoin can’t be spent? Fine, I’ll bet my stash of Onecoin! And now we’re at the point where all those trainers and all those video sessions and all those nutritionists start to pay off, and Blake Snell has finally figured out his shizz. Since August, Snell has a 13+ K/9, a sub 3 BB/9, and a 1.72 ERA with a FIP sitting at 2.61. Also, half of those starts came against the worst team in the league, the Arizona Diamondbacks. But Ketel Marte is a golden god! Grey screams, his shirt of himself covered in boba jellies. OK, Snell also went full velociraptor on the Dodgers and Phillies. Dong story short: Snell is back just in time for your fantasy playoffs. He probably didn’t help you get there if you held onto him, but that doesn’t really matter now. Snell is still available in 5% of leagues, so put a band-aid on your face and pretend you’re Snelly.
Carlos Hernandez: I’m like a broken record here on C.H. Ch-Ch-Ch-anges! Still available in most leagues, has a 50% quality start rate over the last month, and his swinging strike rate has been as high as 22%…and as low as 2%. Rookies, eh? The Royals should give him plenty of run to finish the year and the AL Central is terrible. I was going to write about how Zach Plesac is torching the AL Central, but even Zach Attack is still getting shelled by teams like the Tigers. Meanwhile, the pitcher to roster who’s actually striking people out is big Carl.
Dylan Cease: Told ya about the hot/cold streaks. Also I told ya to sit him against the Blue Jays and that didn’t really work. Play the odds! But Cease is going on his own tour of the Midwest now, so start him the rest of the season.
Lance Lynn and Lucas Giolito: Two of your favorite Sox starters didn’t skip leg day and are now on the Injured List. Looking for a replacement for the playoffs? Did you read my Carlos Hernandez blurb 100 words up? No, you’re just here to see if I say “ENYWHEY”? In theory, Lance Giolito and Lucas Lynn shouldn’t be out of action very long. Maybe it’s the Sox’ way of giving them a rest before the playoffs? I mean, they have a 10-game lead in the AL Central. which is by far the biggest lead among the AL divisions. They could let LL/LG sit for the rest of the regular season and not be threatened in the playoff race. Is it probable? No. But for you fantasy managers that have been relying on them so far, you might want to get aggressive on the waiver wire, ‘lest yee find out that Cap’n LaRussa makes your fantasy team walk the plank.
Carlos Rodon: Speaking of White Sox, Rodon just got back from the IL. Yay! Also his fastball was down by 3 MPH in his last start. Oh no! But his swinging strike rate was still the same. Yay! But he hasn’t pitched this many innings since 2018. Oh no! Maybe there’s something to this whole “Rest the Sox pitchers now” conspiracy that I’ve got going on.
Reynaldo Lopez: Sure, let’s just make this a White Sox article now. Welcome to Speakin’ Sox, sponsored by Tide Pods! I really don’t know what to tell you about Reynaldo Lopez. How about this: roster him if you don’t need wins. Did you expect Lopez to be pitching out of the bullpen this week? Lopez is still listed as a SP on the White Sox depth chart…yet he came out in relief of Rodon on September 1 (basically on his expected “turn” in the rotation). Lopez is on a tear in K/9 leagues, so toss him in your RCL roster and watch him rake. If you’re in a different format, you should probably find a different pitcher.
Corey Kluber: He’s back. He had a 10+ K/9 in his last outing, which went well with his 11 ERA. You kids like baseball card stats, right? Imagine trying to chew your bubble gum knowing Kluber was going to fill in for your rotation of Jacob deGrom, Shane Bieber, and Clayton Kershaw.
Clayton Kershaw: Speaking of fantasy playoff saviors, Kershaw’s about to head out to a minor league rehab assignment. Could make a start or two in your championship series as the Dodgers get ready for the real-world playoffs, so watch the projected starters to see when he gets his shot at 5IP. Or he could do a Hankook tire commercial and throw you a curve and do some opener-type stuff while he preps for the after-season. Saying it that way sounds so spooky, right?
Jake Odorizzi: Available in just about every format and has put together a string of [checks notes] acceptable outings. He’s the pitcher equivalent of John Wick right now: acceptable pulp action that you need to get through the night.
Matthew Boyd: Finally healed, back in the rotation…and on the Tigers. Actually, that’s probably OK because Coach Hinch probably wants to see who’s gonna be on the rotation next year once everybody is healed. Boyd’s another dart throw for your playoff teams.
Elieser Hernandez: Available in about 50% of leagues. Hernandez missed most of the year due to various injuries, and his most recent IL stint was from baserunning, so his arm hopefully had a nice rest. A good upside play for the fantasy playoffs.
Edward Cabrera: The problem with accelerating players through the minors is that they often don’t succeed in the majors. Don’t @ me Ken Griffey Jr. But so far, Cabrera hasn’t provided fantasy managers with a reason to start him yet, so might as well move on to one of those other sexy beasts of the moment…like Matthew Boyd…barf.
Joe Ryan: The Rays drafted him and pedigree-d him and neutered him (wait, pitchers don’t go through that, right?). Either way, the Twins knew what they were doing when they raided the Rays’ pantry for snacks and Joe Ryan. Despite the two-first name suspiciousness, Ryan’s a rookie you might want to trust. He destroyed the minors, including 60 IP in AAA this year between the Rays and the Twins. Now, he’s looking to earn a starting job on a team that will need pitchers next year — the Twins traded Jose Berrios, Kenta Maeda is out with Tommy John recovery, and the rest of the rotation looks like the AA-level quality players that I’ve known for the past 30 years. Only, Ryan gets a ton of cracks at awful teams to finish the year — he’s got Cleveland twice, and looks on track to dodge the Blue Jays entirely while instead getting the Cubs and the Tigers. If he stays on schedule, Ryan could be a 10+ K/9 pitcher by virtue of pitching against…wait for it…other minor leaguers vying for a job in the MLB. Or maybe he gets pushed up a day and faces the Blue Jays twice to finish the year. WHO AM I, WILLARD SCOTT? (RIP). ENYWHEY, this is the rare time that I’ll recommend a Twins pitcher for you, so frame the moment and post it on your wall.
Space:X Rankings
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