Yesterday, Ronald Acuña Jr. (5-for-8, 5 runs, 5 RBIs) hit a leadoff homer in both games of the doubleheader, and became the youngest to homer in four straight games in the live-ball era. Wistful sigh, member those good ol’ zombie dead-ball era stars? Acuña now has 17 homers and 8 steals in 66 games. Oh, I’m sorry, you my daddy? It’s hard to understand how a 20-year-old can be my daddy, but I think you my daddy. When that family that raised me told me to put mime makeup on every morning, I didn’t put it together, but now I know the one true thing in this world that only 23andMe and a gut feeling can tell me, Acuña is my daddy. I’m going to start calling him Tildaddy. Not as in ‘until I find my true daddy, you will be my daddy.’ Not Tildaddy as in what a teenager who works a cashier at a Waffle House makes his co-workers call him. Tildaddy as in sloppily jamming tilde and daddy together. You’re my Tildaddy! People keep asking in the comments where I think Tildaddy (my fetch) will be drafted next year. If you prorate his numbers out, he’d have 35 homers and 20 steals as a 20-year-old. I’m sorry, you Machado’s Tildaddy too? You Goldschmidt’s Tildaddy? ARE YOU MIKE TROUT’S TILDADDY?! He is at least a top 25 pick in 2019 and I might shock the world and shove Tildaddy in my top 15. Un…Til…Daddy shows me different. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
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It’s all Rangers, all the time up in this Mug’s Root Beer. You in your 90’s, “Hey, kiddo, I remember back in the August of 2018, this young man, Grey Albright. He had a full head of hair and a gorgeous hairlip. Well, that young squirrel talked at length about the Texas Rangers. Texas? You don’t remember that? It was a state. It became a part of Meh-eee-co after the War of 2020, when Admiral Kushner tried to invade Tijuana to erect a large-scale fence twenty yards from an already erected fence. Oh, well, it was nice talking to you, I’m going back to watch The Real Housewives of Miami Island.” Yesterday, Joey Gallo (3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 30th and 31st homer) lit up the scoreboard like the Macy’s Day Parade. Macy’s Day is a holiday when jeans you don’t want are purchased cheaply by relatives and handed to you, much to your chagrin. It’s a tradition; don’t act above it. You, “Can this guy really talk for 500 words about Joey Gallo without talking about Joey Gallo?” Just try me! So, Gallo is on pace for a nearly identical year to last year when he hit 41 HRs and .209. Right now, his average is at .202, but, don’t worry, he’s got at least .007 in that bat! His strikeout rate never budged from last year no matter what spring training narratives were saying about him cutting his Ks down. Have you seen his swing? He starts in Austin and ends in Arlington. Never the hoo! He is who he is, and good at what he does — hit bombs. Now, see you back here tomorrow for all the dirt on Isiah Kiner’s Korner with Falafel. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Know why Steve Pearce went off yesterday for three homers (3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 6th, 7th and 8th homer)? Because he’s only owned in 3% of fantasy leagues. That’s spiteful, Steve Pearce. Spite is one of the seven deadliest sins. Right after that soup the fat guy ate in Se7en. Not to be confused with Goop, which is Paltrow’s career after she stopped being harassed by Harvey Weinstein. Allow a gross, sweaty producer to rub his genitals against you in unwanted advances, win an Oscar. Sleep with that guy from Coldplay, do movies with Huey Lewis. Speaking of Coldplay, Pearce has been terrible for the last few weeks, but the Sawx have committed to Pearce in a favorable lineup spot, at least against lefties, which he’s rewarded them with solid production (hitting near-.360 vs. lefties). He’s not quite at a Goop-level bounce back, but he is above starring with Huey Lewis and/or Chris Martin. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
DJ LeMahieu hit the DL with an oblique injury, and is out for months. It happened when DJ was carrying a crate of records. “Aunt Audrey is requesting the Electric–Side! My side!” As DJ collapsed into a heap of bar mitzvah party favors he’d collected. Garrett Hampson (0-for-3) was called up to fill in for him, and I tried to add him everywhere. Prospector Ralph had him in his top 100 fantasy baseball prospects, and said, “Hampson brings a nice mix of plus contact and plus-plus base running ability. With his combination of contact, speed, and plate approach he has a shot to carve out a niche as a top of the order run producer, which is different than Grey who is a ‘runs producer,’ as in he produces crap.” Hey! Hampson could have a 6 HR, 15 steal 2nd half, or, knowing the Rockies, Hampson will sit on the bench four out of five games while Pat Valaika plays. I wish these were laughter tears. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Was thinking about this the other day. Bear with me, it’s not fully formed (like the rest of this shizz). Is there a higher upside move than becoming a magician? David Blaine scored, Penn & Teller seemed to have done all right for themselves, Siegfried & Roy did fine until that white cat went ape…But how about all of the 18-year-old’s who are like, “Mom, Dad, I’m declining the full ride to Brown. I want to do this…” *pulls sheet off table to reveal their daughter sawed in half* “Oh, crap. Marci?” The world is littered with failed magicians! You want upside? There’s no greater upside call than deciding you want to be a magician for the rest of your life. The Indians team? They’re all freakin’ magicians! Hey, Jose Ramirez (2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homer), you’re David Blaine! Francisco Lindor (1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer)? You’re David Blaine! Michael Brantley (2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs)? You’re David Blaine! You’re all David Blaine! We even have some David Blaine magic for Jason Kipnis (2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games). If you went Francisco Lindor and Jose Ramirez with your 1st two picks, you’re also a magician, according to the Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. (The other way to look at this theory is only a handful of knuckleheads are actually stupid enough to want to be a magician, and the world is not littered with failed magicians and no one is turning down a free ride to an Ivy League school to become a magician, but we don’t talk about this part of the Upside Magician Theory.) Thank you, Jose Ramirez and Francisco Lindor and all the Indians, I believe your magic is real. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Happy Friday DFSers! Unlike yesterday, when we had one clear-cut ace, we have a handful of choices on this 14 game slate. I’ll cover our cash game SPs in a minute, but I want to lead with Carlos Carrasco, who comes in at $10,500. Carlos has been more boom or busty (nice) than he has in previous years, but he seemed to have started putting things together with 10 and 11 K outings…..before he took a come-backer off the bat of Joe Mauer to the pitching arm. This will be Senor Carrasco’s first start back off the DL, but even in a seemingly juicy match-up with Oakland (active players are a combined 4/53 with 25 Ks vs him), I’m here to push you to fade. Carrasco will most likely be eased back in (phrasing), since he only threw 58 pitches in his rehab start, and history backs us up here. In 2016, he hit the DL for a similar amount of time, threw 53 pitches in his rehab start, and in his first start back was limited to 78 pitches over 5 innings. With the other aces on the slate, fading Carlos Carrasco, who will most likely have a limited upside, seems like an easy decision. With crossing off one of our higher priced pitchers, lets take a look at what we’re left with.
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This weekend, I was kneeling in a garden, tending to my Monkey Face Orchid, when I heard some commotion outside my greenhouse. It was my much, much older wife, Cougs, screaming, “Grey! They’ve come for you.” It was the Rockies, and they were trying to send me to the minors. They trampled over my azaleas with their jackboots, dragging me through the soil, ruining my suspenders. I tried to tell them, “You have the wrong man!” Finally, they heard my pleas and checked my state ID card. Before they left, I asked, “Who are you looking to send to the minors?” They replied, “Jon Gray,” and I began to scream again, “Please! Take me instead!” So, Jon Gray was optioned to the minors. Can’t say I fully blame the Rockies, but, of course, I can try. Have the Rockies heard of underlying peripherals? Sure, the results have been miserable, but it’s Coors and everything says Gray should be much better. You really have a better replacement pitcher who is worth ruining your best pitcher’s confidence? He has the 6th best xFIP in the league with an 11.6 K/9. I honestly can’t even with the Rockies. They are the worst. Then, they brought up Raimel Tapia to fill the roster spot, so, of course, Tapia will sit on the bench. WHAT THE HOLY EFF ARE THE ROCKIES DOING?! Caps for emphasis and the hyperopic. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
At least they weren’t no-hit, that’s what I always say. Then I follow it with #getstrapped or whatever 50 Cent says now. This is not going to be out on a limb or anything, but celebrities were better when we had no idea what they were thinking. Imagine Liberace on Twitter in the 1950’s, “YAASSS girl, I am here for this, sippin’ my tea.” Yo, Liberace, sure YAASSS Girl’s a lot for a guy who was quoted in the Confidential as saying, “Mature Women Are Best: TV’s Top Pianist Reveals What Kind of Woman He’d Marry.” Maybe that would’ve been awesome. I don’t know, I’m not a time traveler. However, if I were, I would’ve made sure everyone read my Blake Snell sleeper (segue, snitches!). (Isn’t it weird present and past tense read are the same? Am I the only one that never guesses right? Any hoo!) Tis true that I didn’t even expect Snell to be this dominant. Yesterday, he went 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.31. He has the 7th best ERA, 19th best strikeout rate (10), 30th best xFIP (3.64), 13th best swinging strike rate (13) and 8th worst contact rates (71.2%). Super shorthand, if you’re throwing pitches and hitters are not making contact, you’re doing exactly what you should be doing. Hard to imagine his ERA staying quite that low all year, but he has made the jump to a top 15 starter, and maybe higher. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Well, you can’t fix this malady. After blowing a save on Monday night, Hunter Strickland punched a wall and broke his hand. He’s expected to go 6 to 8 weeks without blowing another save.. Stash or Trash: I’m in a 14 team league and I’m trashing him. Replacement: Yoshihisa Hirano (4.9%.) With Brad Boxberger looking far from perfect, expect the Diamondbacks to start switching things up. I have a feeling that they’ll leave Archie Bradley as the set-up man because “he’s good in that role” or whatever BS the manager wants to say which could leave Hirano as a major option for saves in the desert. Hirano hasn’t allowed a run since May 5th and has 18 Ks in 17.1 IP over that time. Don’t forget that Hirano averaged 28 saves over the last 5 years he was pitching in Japan.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The album I released called Father’s Day has an intro as its first song, here it is, “This is dedicated to all those dads out there that stood by their responsibilities and raised your seed. Unless you would’ve been a terrible father, then it’s better if you shirked your responsibilities and hightailed it out of there. Something that’s rarely mentioned about absentee fathers, if you would’ve been a crap father, then it’s best if you weren’t around. The best thing some fathers could give their kids is not being there. This is dedicated to all the fathers that left. This is for all the dads that would’ve been so bads. All the pops that drank nonstops. You’re often forgotten, but we appreciate your fatherhood was misbegotten” Any hoo! Yesterday, Julio Teheran went 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 3 walks, 11 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.97, as he was activated from the DL. He didn’t go on a rehab assignment. Well, technically, he didn’t but he returned to face the Padres, so same diff. Teheran’s peripherals are a mess like the father who abandoned us who we now appreciate, so Teheran was money on Sunday, but don’t expect child support (this is so hashtag woke). Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?