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Welcome back to the 2nd half where we make our fake dolla dolla bills dreams come true! Or we gently guide you to our fantasy football advice. I’m wearing Isotoners while typing this, one love Dan Marino! Damn, I love that guy. Is he still playing? Okay, enough nonsense. During my medical procedure last Tuesday, the anesthesiologist said to me he thought dogs were angels on earth, and, as I drifted off, I said to him, “I hope you’re not Dr. Death.” Well, that anesthesiologist had Angels on his mind for some reason beyond my understanding, and so do I because the Angels are making money moves, calling up their top prospect, Brandon Marsh (0-for-4). Here’s what Prospect Itch said, “A pre-swing bat wrap saps a bit of Marsh’s reaction time and contact ability. Aside from that hitch—not a load in his case as his hands aren’t in the hitting position synced up with his hips when it ends—Marsh is a great baseball prospect. A potentially elite defender with plus power and speed, he’ll get every opportunity to learn on the job at the highest level. He should be fine as long as he’s not as dumb as Grey.” What the heck! Maddon says he will be playing Marsh in center, so I grabbed Marsh in one 15-team mixed league, and my RCL, but I could see dropping him in the 12-team mixer by this time tomorrow. Or as Brandon Marsh says, “Don’t harsh the Marsh.”
Brandon Marsh just wants to know where the doobies are pic.twitter.com/uSzRZKLIcl
— Razzball (@Razzball) July 18, 2021
Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Mike Trout – Headed to Oakland to join the Angels, though not necessarily to play. Hey, I wouldn’t bench Phil Gosselin either.
David Fletcher – 0-for-5. On June 15th, I said, “If you need average, and nothing else, I’d grab Fletcher. He’s a .320 hitter, who’s hitting .272, so he’s got almost 50 points to gain.” That was two games into his hit streak that reached 26 games, and he raised his average from .272 to .313.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer, and, almost as impressively, he beat out a grounder to first. Is he. Dot dot dot. A Marvel superhero?
Yusei Kikuchi – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.92 vs. Alex Cobb – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.96. These guys are so close in ERA, I will call them Ki-Cobb and cast Tommy Lee Jones in their role.
Luis Torrens – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. Only stopped recommending him because I told you to pick him up for three weeks straight, and then moved onto Cal Raleigh, who is his platoon partner. Or pardner, if you’re a cowboy.
Logan Gilbert – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Yes, you should’ve grabbed him one start ago when I told you.
Ty France – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Now has two hits in each of the last three games, so France is a chaud schmopommes.
Tim Locastro – Hit the IL with a torn ACL. Don’t worry, the Yanks’ depth will be just fine. They have. Dot dot dot. Trey Amburgey. Amburgey? “Please use in a sentence.” “My 8-year-old daughter, Amber, dressed up as the Hamburgular, and called herself Amburgey.” He’s a Quad-A guy, and outside of AL-Only leagues, there’s nothing here yet (or prolly ever).
Rougned Odor – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Kinda appropriate Odor is the Yankees’ best bat, because the Yankees stink!
Ryan LaMarre – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1). LaMarre is 32 years old and hasn’t played in, like, three years, so let’s not get a-Heddy of ourselves.
Gleyber Torres – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games. It’s about time! Maybe he’s finally seeing the light of day. Or the O’s in everyone.
Jameson Taillon – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.60. I’m convinced the only reason anyone asks for him is because he’s on the Yankees, but the Yankees are a mess, so I’m not sure why that would have people asking. Five and a third with three Ks and a 4.60 ERA is not good, guys and five ladies.
Stephen Vogt – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he was traded to the Braves. The Braves’ catchers are now Kevan Smith and Stephen Vogt, i.e. Jay and Silent Vogt Strike Out.
Joc Pederson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer on Saturday, as he spent his first weekend in Hotlanta. In Friday’s Buy column, I went over my thoughts on the new Braves’ outfielder, and it seems like he won’t be platooned, though, we’ll see how long that lasts. By the by, it is slightly hilarious to me that Pederson is a de facto leadoff guy wherever he plays. “Slightly” hilarious, not all the way hilarious.
Max Fried – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.29 vs. Josh Fleming – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.93. This matchup was billed as “Hocked a loogie” because it was Fried/Fleming.
Wander Franco – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Three is also the number at-bats Kevin Cash gave Brujan before pulling him from the game. Hunh. Cool stuff.
Zac Gallen – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.86, as he was activated from the IL. The highly anticipated return of Gallen from his hamstring injury, while still having a busted elbow and not being able to throw more than 80 pitches in a start.
Josh Rojas – 1-for-1, 2 runs, 4 BBs and his 6th steal, hitting .261. Not saying four walks makes me horny, but I’m not saying it doesn’t either.
Adbert Alzolay – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, 2 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.59. Adbert was revved up by the deuces over fives. Streamonator doesn’t love his next start, and, while I like him in general, I don’t love his next start either.
Jurickson Profar – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .230. He has two homers?! On the year? I don’t have anything to add other than holy crap.
Manny Machado – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Or eight times as many as Profar. Sorry, that really blows my mind.
Blake Snell – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.21, as he was activated from the IL. How long until Snell is traded back to the Rays, and he becomes a Cy Young contender again? Three years? Cool, give me a nudge then. Seriously, what we should’ve been asking all those years he was in Tampa is how did Kevin Cash get even five innings from Blake Snell?
Joe Musgrove – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.14 vs. Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.83. Lowercase yay, aces facing each other!
Stephen Strasburg – Had a setback in his rehab. Sounds like every celebrity with Dr. Drew.
Juan Soto – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 3rd homer this weekend. Oh my geebus, Sexy Dr. Pepper has come out of his season-long funk by hitting bombs off Bryce Harper’s dad in an exhibition.
Kwang-Hyun Kim – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K. He was in Friday’s buy as Streamonator call. So, that means he’s rostered in under-50% of leagues. You have any idea what his ERA is? 2.87! Your team’s pitching is too good to roster him?
Paul DeJong – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. Colonel Mustard in the lavatory with a lavender candle!
Lucas Giolito – 9 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.90. Someone told him the season started, how thoughtful.
Carlos Rodon – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.15. Yo, when the Astros return from the All-Star break, watch out.
Yoan Moncada – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. As someone who has this schmohawk, he’s so wildly overdue, he, honestly, can’t be much worse, and could have a 20/10/.300 2nd half.
Tim Anderson – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. On a side note, the BABIPs of Tim and Yoan make me think the devil lost a bet to the White Sox.
Framber Valdez – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.26. Don’t make me calculate his ERA pre- and post-telling you to sell him.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Ya know what’s interesting and prolly 1000000% explainable with a simple Google search? Most Asian players have a name that goes Something-Hyun, and Ryu has Hyun-Jin. Any hoo! This was against the Rangers who sizzuck.
Mike Foltynewicz – 1 2/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 5.91. Folty*^#&*^!
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-6 and his 31st homer, hitting .332. He won’t just win one Triple Crown in his career, but Cake Batter will win multiple Triple Crowns. Also, in the 2nd game of the DH, Randal Grichuk hit his 18th; Lourdes Gurriel Jr. hit his 11th homer; George Springer had a slam (6) and legs (2) across both games, and let’s never move them out of Buffaloronto. Close your border, Canada!
Cal Quantrill – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.05. His full name is Calripken Quantrill. Trivia, man, I love it! Any hoo! ACKCHUALLY, looked up his stats, and they’re not pretty.
Zach Plesac – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.19. Would be so nice if he put together a great 2nd half. I mean, for my teams, which is really what this is all about.
Bradley Zimmer – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs with a slam (2) and legs (6). Every four years like clockwork Bradley Zimmer has a big game. Call him Bradleapyearly Zimmer.
Seth Brown – 1-for-2 and his 11th homer. How now Seth Brown does he have eleven homers?
Wily Peralta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.64. I was thisclose to streaming Peralta yesterday, then I thought, “Have you lost all the crackers in your marblehead?” His peripherals are god-awful. You can stream him if you’re desperate, but I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him, and, while I have been recently benching almost 45 pounds, I can’t throw him far.
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Has cooled off, but this could be the start of another hot streak.
Pablo Lopez – Hit the IL with a rotator cuff strain. *falling into a cavernous pit* Noooooooooooooooooo…*snags shirt on hanging tree branch, stopping the fall* Ugh, I can’t even fall right! This sucks so royally (Marlinally?). Pab-Lo had a 111/25 K/BB and now he’s likely done for the year, or as good as done. Let me hear you eff this!
Jazz Chisholm – Suffered a serious shoulder injury that seems likely to push him to the IL, and possibly out for the season. In his place, the Marlins can turn to so many Quad-A players — La Isan Bonita, Jon Berti, Bryson Brigman, I’m not making up names right now.
Adam Duvall – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Welp, put me down for a five-dollar bet he homers again in the Marlins’ next game.
Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.44, as he was out-pitched for four innings by the most random Marlins’ starter, Braxton Garrett, because every Marlins’ starter has to be good. It’s in the by-laws. Read the fine print.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Member when I didn’t fully appreciate McCutchen two weeks ago and my nuh-uh’s got nuh-uh’d? I’m on a nuh-uh break now. Ain’t making same mistake twice.
Didi Gregorius – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Didi’s been far from a hot schmotato at any point this year. Been barely a dull schmotato, if being honest. But he does have it in him to get hot.
Devin Williams – Hit the IL with elbow discomfort. The Brewers believe it’s not serious, which is different than them being an unserious team that trades for Rowdy Tellez and never plays him. I love those “not serious” elbow injuries for pitchers who throw a screwball change. Oh…*stacks phone books to the moon*…kay.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer. *stares out the window* Shh…I’m looking to see if this was a sign of the apocalypse.
Willy Adames – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer and 2nd homer this weekend. Man, I’m gonna love him so much for next year. Only thing that could stop that is if he has such a huge 2nd half that he makes thoughts of him being underrated moot.
Corbin Burnes – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.16. Cor-Bur K!
Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.39. Now this em-effer is out-pitching Brandon Woodruff (5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.12). Where was this the first two months so I didn’t have a series of mini-strokes every fifth day?
Sonny Gray – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.65, as he was activated from the IL. Gray and Grey both came off the IL at the same time. I guess that’s coincidental. *researches astrology charts for six hours looking for patterns* Any hoo! Gray looked fine until the start went sideways in the 5th. I’m fine with him if he’s healthy.
Brady Singer – 2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.13. So, you’re saying he won’t be a solid fill-in for Pablo Lopez? Okay, cool. *puts staple gun to thigh, pulls trigger*
Jon Gray – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.68. In Coors, Jon Gray vs. the World Series champs pitched better than Sonny Gray I’m not laughing I’m crying and doing a run-on sentence for emphasis.
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (1). “I don’t think it’s a problem to just put him in the piranha tank–Wait, he’s moving! Charlie Blackmon’s alive!”
David Price – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.12. Not quite stretched out yet, but with the Dodgers’ rotation down to one and half pitchers, I could see Price getting some starts, and having value.
Will Smith – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (11) and legs (2), hitting .265. Will Smith’s middle name is Will “Dave Roberts Announce A Random Platoon For Him Today Because He Always Does” Smith.
Tylor Megill – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.63. No, of course he’s not supposed to be this good, but whatever. You care if a guy is supposed to be good or not vs. ‘just being good?’ Just being good works for me.
Taijuan Walker – 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.99. The Regression Fairies were going to a costume party in July with an eye patch, screaming, “Argh!”
Michael Conforto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He has four homers as we head to August. *smiles real awkward as tears slowly come down cheeks* Welp, it hasn’t been great, but Conforto homered going into the break and might be finally coming out of it.
J.D. Davis – 0-for-3 and two homers (3, 4) on Saturday. Took him about seven weeks longer than I expected, but, if you don’t know, I’m a big fan of Jonathan Davis Davis, and would look to grab him in any league.
Francisco Lindor – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. What an absolutely lost season it’s been for him. Where does he get drafted next year? Top 30? 50? 75? It’s not just one year now where he’s struggled. He hasn’t been great for years. Plural. When do I think he returns? I’d guess third week of August, and is absolutely droppable.
Jacob deGrom – Hit the IL with tightness in his forearm. There will be zero pitchers by September and Rob Manfred will announce it’s fine if each team elects to have a coach underhand toss the ball to the batter, adding, “Like it’s any dumber than starting an inning with a man on 2nd base, and y’all fell for that.”
