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All I ever wanted for Christmas was to see Robbie Ray get all worked up. And Santa brought me my gift early this year! Maybe you casual fans just want to see Lance Lynn get worked up, but when Robbie Ray and the Orioles manager get into a tongue-lashing, that’s the kind of baseball I want to see! Yeah, things are getting pretty slow here on the baseball side. On the plus side, I’m in the top 20 in RazzSlam. On the downside, the cutline only sends the top 10 to the playoffs. So, it’s kind of like I’m the benevolent tight-pants-loving lord of a small fiefdom that resides outside of Coolwhip’s kingdom. I beg thee, King Coolwhip, let Luis Severino pitch! How are all of your teams doing? Still active? Let’s see if we can find some pitchers for your fantasy playoffs!

Top 100 Starting Pitchers Header

Fantasy Football

Hey, it’s fantasy football season, and if you like me and Donkey Teeth and Rudy and all those other guys, come join us on the football side for all of your fantasy football needs. I’m doing the game roundups over there, so for September, you get to see me twice on Mondays! Come take a look at my Week 1 Fantasy Football Recap (after you read this of course).

Starting Pitchers

Robbie RayNeeded a bit of motivation to get moving in his last start…except the motivation came from the Orioles:

Robbie Ray might have been angry that the Orioles were stealing signs or finding some sort of tip on his pitches, but the pitch in question — his slider — was swung at 50% of the time by the Orioles, and Ray wasn’t having his best game. Aces cool down eventually, so hopefully his shorter start gives him some time to rest for your playoff run.

Trevor BauerFormally out for the year. Make it 5 more.

Jacob deGromMight have a partially torn ACL. I mean, the Mets are a mess, but they’re botching even this. After Sandy Alderson had to deal with the thumbs down scandal last week followed by his general manager driving drunk, he announced that deGrom is basically Dinelson Lamet. Except…deGrom might have miraculously healed in the span of a few weeks? DeGrom denied that his elbow was injured and boldly said that his elbow was fine and that he was throwing baseballs. It’s kinda like when my doctor said I had high cholesterol and I said I was fine because I was running to the gas station to pick up cheap beer. DeGrom might have a start or two this year, but…he might have a messed up elbow, so roll the dice.

Chris SaleHit the Covid IL thanks to the Red Sox not testing their players.

Carlos Rodon7K in his Friday start after missing a turn in the rotation with shoulder soreness. It seems like the White Sox are trying to limit IP for their starters to finish the season, so temper expectations with Rodon and everybody else.

Corey KluberYou ready to roll the dice for your fantasy playoffs? How about the former ace who’s K’ing 12 per 9 since coming back from injury and is also featuring a 5+ ERA and 7+ FIP? He faces the haphazard Mets and the Guardians in his next two starts, so you could be looking at your playoff savior. Hopefully he doesn’t Klub you.

Chris Archer[starts playing Eminem “Guess Who’s Back”] Honestly I don’t even know if that’s the title of the song. Do I look like the kind of guy who listens to Eminem? I don’t even know those 2000s bands, like Chikin in a Limp Bizkit or whatever. Archer’s back, he’s K’ing 8 per 9, and letting up a fair amount of runs. Except now he pitches against the Tigers — welcome to your playoff savior! Wait, didn’t I just say that about Kluber? Is there anything in Fantasy Scripture saying there can’t be two saviors? The Savior with the two backs!

Elieser Hernandez[whispers] He’s facing the Pirates. Do I need to elaborate on that? Elieser is a fair grab in dynasty leagues for next year. He spent most of this year injured for non-pitching reasons. On the other hand, the Marlins have a billion starters ready to hit the majors. On the other other hand, there are only like 30 starters that are reliable, and a healthy Elieser could be the kind of pitcher that lands in that group next year.

Adrian HouserHe’s been nearly unhittable over the last month. Or rather, the hits he’s giving up don’t result in a lot of damage. Still available in 50% of leagues and faces the haphazard Cubs next, so there’s your playoff savior. 3 saviors? It’s the Savior Trilogy! Now I just gotta catch up on that new Matrix series staring John Wick 3.

Antonio SenzatelaI mean, he’s OK. He’s Jon Lester-esque, which is a word that I promised my late father — Horatio Nowhere — that I would never use again. He’s been super-hot recently, but he’s much better at home (a weird feat for a Rockies pitcher) and his next starts will be against ATL on the road (DON’T START), LAD at home (DO YOU HATE YOUR TEAM?), and then likely SFG at home (REGRESSION COMES QUICKLY). If I’m wrong, I’m fine with being wrong on a 5 K/9 guy who is pitching against the top teams in the NL in the worst situations.

Carlos HernandezStarting to cool down but after a next tough start against the Athletics, he’ll face the Tigers, the Guardians, and the Twins. For a guy that’s available in 70% of leagues, it’s a fair gamble for 20% swinging strike upside.

Jesus LuzardoLooks like he’s recovered from injury and is good to go 6IP+. He’ll start against the Nationals twice coming up here and he’s available in almost all leagues. 10K/9 upside with Marlins bullpen downside.

Max ScherzerI was going to submit this article early and take a good breather but then Mad Max nearly went perfecto in the same game he threw an immaculate inning and struck out his 3,000th career batter. The best Grey could do to celebrate was this tweet:

Space:X Rankings

Week 24 Pitcher Data.xls

NameConfidenceIPK-BB%SIERACSW%Rudy ROS
Gerrit Cole3.95158.229.20%2.832.50%38.9
Max Scherzer5.815429.80%2.832.00%27.9
Corbin Burnes5.915230.50%2.5934.10%21
Charlie Morton8.2516521.00%3.531.20%21.7
Aaron Nola9.2157.224.00%3.3230.80%21.5
Kevin Gausman9.7517022.40%3.4630.90%18
Yu Darvish11.0514623.80%3.3830.50%21.9
Robbie Ray11.45170.125.90%3.1430.00%18.3
Joe Musgrove12.3154.220.70%3.632.00%16.5
Brandon Woodruff12.4163.123.30%3.3429.80%21.5
Lucas Giolito15.9158.120.80%3.730.10%21.2
Julio Urias17163.121.60%3.5830.30%9.9
Carlos Rodon17.6124.228.50%2.8930.20%16.3
Walker Buehler18.118619.50%3.7529.30%19.2
Zack Wheeler18.75195.123.50%3.228.10%20.2
Jose Berrios19.1166.119.80%3.7129.10%17.5
Freddy Peralta20.112523.00%3.5130.70%9.7
Sean Manaea21.45156.220.90%3.6129.10%10.6
Nathan Eovaldi21.55163.220.80%3.6329.90%7
Frankie Montas21.7163.219.70%3.7529.30%11.3
Logan Webb22.55118.120.30%3.1831.50%6.2
Dylan Cease22.6151.121.20%3.6930.10%8.5
Lance McCullers Jr.22.85138.116.00%4.0531.50%16.6
Luis Garcia24.313320.30%3.7230.30%9.2
Sonny Gray25.1113.219.50%3.7230.50%10.6
Tyler Mahle25.7159.119.70%3.7829.70%7.3
Clayton Kershaw26.75106.125.60%3.0832.40%
German Marquez28.616716.10%3.9528.70%9.2
Blake Snell29.0512818.40%4.0129.30%15.9
Jacob deGrom29.29241.70%1.7435.80%-2.6
Adam Wainwright29.95184.116.30%3.9930.30%3
Shohei Ohtani30.65115.120.10%3.7128.70%9.2
Shane McClanahan31.2110.120.20%3.6331.50%
Trevor Rogers31.95118.219.40%3.8130.50%3.8
Max Fried33.15136.217.20%3.8428.10%15.8
Hyun-Jin Ryu33.8157.215.00%4.1728.50%12.8
Eduardo Rodriguez33.85136.120.50%3.6528.10%6.7
Sandy Alcantara35.15180.217.70%3.7427.80%5.7
Shane Bieber36.690.225.30%3.1833.90%-5.8
Collin McHugh36.78.235.70%2.1339.50%
Andrew Heaney36.912019.60%3.8528.30%9.1
Marcus Stroman3816315.70%3.9528.50%2
Luis Castillo38.317014.30%4.0727.40%15.1
Chris Sale38.62522.00%3.3832.10%
Framber Valdez38.611611.90%3.8128.50%9.6
Yusei Kikuchi38.714615.00%4.1729.00%5.7
Jordan Montgomery38.75138.115.70%4.1828.60%8.1
Alex Cobb39.277.217.70%3.6630.50%
Huascar Ynoa39.671.220.70%3.5731.10%-3.8
Chris Bassitt40.6515119.50%3.7728.20%
Patrick Sandoval42.4579.216.70%3.9731.00%
Alex Wood44.4125.218.00%3.7632.00%-9.2
Lance Lynn44.45135.219.70%3.825.80%18.4
JT Brubaker45.2124.116.90%4.0428.60%
Brady Singer45.4120.213.20%4.3530.40%1.5
Rich Hill45.6513614.60%4.3830.60%-1.7
Austin Gomber45.65115.114.80%4.2930.40%
Tarik Skubal46.05130.119.30%3.8427.50%2.9
Alek Manoah46.158517.10%4.0827.80%11.2
Jakob Junis46.227.120.40%3.6830.20%
Domingo German489116.60%4.1429.70%
Chris Paddack48.1106.116.30%4.1127.20%11.3
Adbert Alzolay48.1106.116.90%4.0228.70%-2.6
John Means48.25126.118.10%4.1427.50%6.2
Steven Matz48.812915.40%4.1327.80%3.7
Mike Minor48.95158.216.10%4.226.80%7.4
Jose Urquidy49.1584.216.70%4.2928.30%7.6
Corey Kluber49.46515.20%4.329.50%6.3
Zac Gallen49.79817.20%4.0527.60%6.3
Bailey Ober50.3578.219.80%3.8528.30%-0.2
Anthony DeSclafani50.414616.40%4.0927.20%2.5
Taijuan Walker50.5514014.10%4.4128.70%-0.8
Dane Dunning50.9104.113.80%4.1128.60%0
Tylor Megill51.5577.221.10%3.6327.70%-2.2
Triston McKenzie51.6599.217.40%4.1727.90%3.9
Logan Gilbert51.9595.120.80%3.7326.70%4.7
Michael Pineda52.159015.70%4.2328.70%0.2
Jon Gray52.2131.114.00%4.3128.20%1
Zack Greinke55.15159.212.10%4.5626.60%12.5
Cristian Javier55.2548.219.10%3.9927.40%6.7
James Kaprielian56.25101.215.00%4.428.70%-2.2
Danny Duffy57.456016.90%4.1828.40%
Jameson Taillon58138.216.20%4.327.10%
Joe Ross58.7510316.90%4.0530.40%-12.2
Jack Flaherty59.37618.40%3.9228.10%-4.9
Pablo Lopez60.310121.00%3.5127.70%-10.1
Carlos Carrasco61.0533.217.80%3.9325.90%14.9
Sam Long61.1522.116.80%4.1428.40%
David Price61.2541.113.40%4.2528.40%1.1
Patrick Corbin61.614810.80%4.6326.30%11
Kyle Hendricks62.2166.211.40%4.6827.30%0.4
Ian Anderson62.35109.212.90%4.3927.10%4.2
Nick Pivetta62.6513515.30%4.3326.80%-0.6
Madison Bumgarner62.75129.113.90%4.5628.00%-2.7
Zach Eflin63.9105.218.80%3.8128.30%-13.1
Kyle Gibson65.3155.210.30%4.5827.00%0.7
Michael Wacha65.5591.117.40%4.0225.80%0.8
Matthew Boyd65.678.213.10%4.5627.30%6.3
Drew Smyly65.75115.214.20%4.4127.60%-4.2
David Peterson66.366.213.90%4.2727.40%
Ryan Yarbrough66.911113.60%4.5728.20%-4.4
Tyler Anderson66.9514814.20%4.527.00%-4.2
Ross Stripling68.2586.115.80%4.3226.40%2.2
Aaron Civale69.6102.114.40%4.2825.60%3.5
Zach Plesac70.9125.111.30%4.6926.30%4
Jose Quintana71.33514.10%4.5227.10%6.6
Luke Weaver72.355114.40%4.3627.60%-3.9
Casey Mize73.05140.111.90%4.526.90%-5.8
Spencer Howard73.1531.210.90%4.8328.80%
Paolo Espino7467.115.20%4.3628.00%-7.3
Touki Toussaint74.84513.00%4.4428.50%-6.7
Bruce Zimmermann75.055411.60%4.6727.60%
Martin Perez76.7510011.70%4.6226.50%
Kyle Freeland77.4510213.30%4.4426.70%-5.5
Griffin Canning77.660.111.90%4.7226.90%1.8
Wade Miley77.9155.211.60%4.4425.40%-4.3
Merrill Kelly79.35142.114.30%4.3226.70%-13.2
Tucker Davidson79.752012.00%4.6427.40%
Kwang-hyun Kim79.7596.210.00%4.826.60%
Jorge Lopez80.15113.19.20%4.826.20%
Trevor Cahill80.2535.211.30%4.326.20%
Dallas Keuchel81.3140.15.50%4.9125.80%0.6
Cody Poteet81.3530.212.10%4.7827.30%
Anthony Kay81.6520.116.50%4.0525.00%
Trevor Williams81.7568.213.80%4.3426.60%-6.1
Marco Gonzales81.8118.111.00%4.9625.80%1
Johnny Cueto81.9112.113.80%4.4524.40%
Nestor Cortes82.0553.216.20%4.4825.60%
Jose Suarez82.755.111.70%4.5127.80%-8.4
Josiah Gray83.354411.70%4.927.70%-4.2
Eric Lauer83.484.113.60%4.4825.20%-0.7
Alec Mills83.781.212.50%4.2626.30%-8
Jake Odorizzi83.890.213.30%4.5923.60%7
Eli Morgan84.0571.215.70%4.5226.60%-6.5
Brad Keller84.05133.29.10%4.8425.40%
Cal Quantrill84.3101.212.90%4.4824.90%-2.3
Kyle Muller84.835.210.80%4.9128.50%-6.5
Chris Flexen85.3156.211.30%4.723.70%-1.1
Mike Foltynewicz86.613010.50%4.9425.10%
Kris Bubic87.178.110.00%4.8126.60%-4.1
Erick Fedde87.3511713.10%4.3724.60%-5.9
Brett Anderson88.3588.18.00%4.3524.00%
Antonio Senzatela88.413810.90%4.4224.90%-7.7
Caleb Smith88.7579.50%5.2326.90%
Chad Kuhl89.4678.00%5.127.70%-6.2
Vladimir Gutierrez89.55104.19.90%4.9126.80%-7.1
Jordan Lyles89.6142.211.40%4.825.90%-10
Kolby Allard90.1591.212.40%4.725.60%-5.6
Cole Irvin90.45158.111.10%4.8324.70%-5.9
Vince Velasquez91.9576.110.70%4.926.20%-4.5
Tony Gonsolin9235.210.10%5.0727.00%-3.9
Ranger Suarez92.237.213.00%4.224.60%-4.8
Matt Peacock93.85347.70%4.5827.20%-8.6
Mitch Keller94.38311.10%4.7424.60%-3.3
Michael King95.324.27.00%5.1827.50%-5.4
Zach Thompson96.2562.211.70%4.6826.70%-11.8
Stephen Strasburg96.3521.27.40%5.3228.70%-10.2
Chase De Jong9743.210.20%5.0625.50%
J.A. Happ97.1132.210.30%5.0122.60%-2.4
Tony Santillan97.916.212.20%4.7525.80%-5
Justin Dunn98.2550.19.20%5.1825.40%
Luis Patino98.455512.30%4.7925.50%-6
Garrett Richards98.5110.17.70%5.0324.70%-4.4
Jake Arrieta98.6594.28.80%4.9425.60%-6.8
Adrian Houser100120.16.90%4.823.30%-4.9
Zach Davies100.1141.26.20%5.3226.00%-10.5
Taylor Widener100.96111.70%4.8126.30%-11.6
Josh Fleming101.3556.17.60%4.6924.00%-3
Matt Shoemaker101.5550.25.60%5.3625.70%-1.3
Luis Gil101.951912.20%4.9627.20%-11.3
Matt Harvey102.2127.210.00%4.8524.10%-8.6
Kohl Stewart103.4512.28.60%4.824.10%
Wil Crowe103.5100.19.90%4.925.10%-9.8
Chi Chi Gonzalez104.9876.50%5.3123.50%
Daniel Lynch105.05578.50%5.0925.70%-7.8
JC Mejia105.242.16.90%5.1524.10%
Griffin Jax105.551.29.30%5.1826.90%-12.6
Ryan Weathers106.566.18.70%4.9925.40%-8.3
Deivi Garcia106.98.17.90%5.6528.10%-12.4
Keegan Akin107.4567.28.00%5.2625.90%-9.9
Aaron Sanchez108.430.19.80%4.5625.40%-11.8
Jeff Hoffman108.6454.30%5.725.60%-4.3
Hyeon-jong Yang109.15157.50%5.224.10%
Justus Sheffield110.5573.26.90%5.1625.30%-9.8
John Gant111.05823.60%5.6525.70%-9.6
Lewis Thorpe111.8514.1-3.20%6.2824.90%
Carlos Martinez112.3582.15.80%5.1825.70%-15
Jon Lester112.5119.14.50%5.4723.70%-7.9
Matt Moore113.756.16.80%5.3625.00%-7.5
Dean Kremer113.7553.29.00%5.2223.60%-5.6
Kohei Arihara114.6536.26.40%5.3525.40%-7.9
Johan Oviedo115.7557.24.40%5.4926.20%-14
Bryse Wilson117.0564.28.20%5.1824.60%-12.1
Edward Cabrera117.5512.2-3.70%6.3424.00%-1.3
Jake Woodford118.417.211.10%4.7424.20%-13.5
Chase Anderson119.236.16.00%5.4825.90%-14.7
Wily Peralta120.168.25.80%5.1124.20%-14
Carlos Hernandez120.349.17.70%5.2123.30%-8.4
Matt Manning120.7666.00%5.3424.30%-11.1
Sam Hentges121.05414.50%5.5924.90%-9.9
Logan Allen121.8540.26.70%5.2223.90%-9.8
Randy Dobnak123.134.13.30%4.8120.90%-10.6
Riley Smith123.1251.70%5.924.10%-7
Jose Urena123.15834.50%5.2323.50%-13.3
Tyler Gilbert125.2316.50%5.3723.60%-9.2
Jon Duplantier125.75135.70%5.324.40%-10.9
Thomas Eshelman12718.1-2.30%6.8725.60%-19.6
Spenser Watkins129.9467.00%5.3322.80%-15
Daniel Castano131.9517.13.80%5.6322.10%-10.2
Seth Frankoff136.5513.22.90%5.6919.80%-13.3
Joe Ryan