So, how’s everyone doing after four days of games? Still early, right? Actually, it’s not early. It’s never early this year. Early took the first train out of the station with your wife and dog. Say goodbye to your life, Early walked off with it. Four days this year is approximately three weeks into a regular season. Four days into the season this year is a cherry and whipped topping into this sundae, and one scoop in there might be chocolate chip mint, which you have to skip because it tastes like sugary toothpaste. One guy whose entire Sunday was chocolate chip mint is Justin Verlander. Sounds like he’s out for the season with a forearm strain, which is usually a precursor for much worse news. Won’t speculate what this means for his career, but if this is the last time he plays, it truly bums me out, even if I never wanted to own him. He was glorious to watch, in and out of the bathroom mirror with Kate. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Aledmys Diaz – Hit the IL with a groin strain. Fantasy baseballers suffered similar injuries thinking about Kyle Tucker now playing every day. Well, Dusty Baker’s ensuring blue balls, and started Taylor Jones at DH yesterday.

Lance McCullers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. In retrospect, McCullers would’ve been a great February/March draft pick. Shame I didn’t foresee a worldwide pandemic.

Kyle Lewis – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, now hitting third and with two homers this weekend. *dips Kyle Lewis’s head into water, baptizing him* You are now Sweet Lew. May you remain forever blessed, and may we never hear from Lou’s niece who is an attorney, Sue Piniella. Hold on, Sweet Lew is calling my cell. “What’s that, Kyle? You’re better than who…? Babe Ruth? Great, I will pass on the message.” Sweet Lew, we love you!

Matt Magill – 1 IP, 0 ER, as he pitched in the 5th inning. Just like a normie closer. What a shizzshow bullpens are. I put in a FAAB bid on Taylor Williams (1 IP, 1 ER), who got yesterday’s save, but if I’m being honest, I didn’t want to win him.

Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. Carrasco nasty like Tabasco on toe jam! That’s a compliment. “Everyone knows you gotta go with Frank’s Hot Sauce on toe jam.” That’s Quentin Tarantino. Not sure if I’ve mentioned this, but in April I was growing out my hair into a jheri curl, because I misheard and accidentally thought we were all in Quarantino. Carrasco was even better than his line indicates. He looked back to the pitcher he was before the sidetracking of 2019, which was far from a guarantee at his age (33). Easily holding a velocity of 94 into the 6th inning, and the only real drawback was he was a bit up in the zone.

Jose Ramirez – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. It’s death, taxes, and “drafters needing their arm twisted to take Jose Ramirez in the 2nd round.”

Brady Singer – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Because I’m your “every MLB team correspondent,” I figured you’d want me to watch Singer’s debut, and, have to admit, he looked good. Lots of hooks going “where’d that go” by the hitter, and he was locating with a chef’s kiss. I’ve already picked him up in one mixed league (15 team), and I’m looking to add him elsewhere. A pitcher that hitters aren’t familiar with might have a nice run in 60 games. Long term? Well, long term is a bit optimistic during a pandemic, but he wasn’t that impressive.

Greg Holland – Save on Saturday, as Ian Kennedy pitched in the 6th. With baseball this year, games could end in the 6th and random runners could start the inning on base, so maybe Matheny got confused, but this isn’t a great sign for Kennedy.

Garrett Cooper – Hit the IL with Covid with Harold Ramirez and Jose Urena. That’s after Jorge Alfaro went down with it the other day. Rob Manfred, “To keep the integrity of the season intact, we’re going with a 30-team playoff and whichever team gets to the park first wins the World Series.” So, for fantasy, Monte Harrison should be up on Wednesday and top prospect Jesus Sanchez might get called up too. Plus, Travis Snider was just signed, so I’d say it must be 2009, but I’m reporting on a pandemic, so that doesn’t track.

Jesus Aguilar – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Hot schmotato alert!

Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Being a daddy is agreeing with Wheeler. His sons are the Marlins.

Vince Velasquez – 3 IP, 4 ER. You can throw VV out there, and pretend it’s a W, but it’s definitely not. In totally related news, Spencer Howard appears ready for his 1st major league start on Friday. Pick him up now!

Adam Haseley – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI, as he hit leadoff. If that sticks, and he plays every day, and roses are red and violets are blue and if this rhymes, oh em gee:  Haseley.

Carson Fulmer – Claimed by the Tigers so they can pitch at least one Fulmer every day.  Tigers’ manager Ron Gardenhire on the mound, “You don’t seem yourself, Fulmer…” Ron notices something, then pulls masking tape off the back of the uniform, revealing, “Hey, you’re a Farmer! Buck…you!”

C.J. Cron – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. C.J. stands for Cheap Jacks.

Aristides Aquino – 1-for-2, 1 RBI as he pinch-hit, after being recalled on Saturday when Matt Davidson tested positive for Covid. It’s the return of the GGOATOAT! Dot dot dot. To pinch-hit? Why do the Reds refuse to play the GGOATOAT? Is David Bell from Kyrgyzstan? Because they have this weird game with goats I saw on Netflix.

Joey Votto – 1-for-5, 1 RBI and his 2nd homer on Saturday. Ridiculous prediction that I will forget about unless it comes true:  Votto’s winning the Triple Crown.

Curt Casali – 0-for-3, hit a homer on Saturday and has been starting because Tucker Barnhart is on paternity leave. Nine months ago, “Call me *ucker Bonehard.”

Mike Moustakas – Hit the IL when he woke up not feeling well. This sounds like nothing, but not nothing like an undisclosed nothing. Though, you never know if a disclosed nothing is an undisclosed nothing or if a disclosed nothing is nothing nothing. Even more alarming is Matt Davidson had a similar undisclosed nothing that wasn’t nothing. This might be something.

Nick Senzel – Scratched because he wasn’t feeling well. Maybe the Reds and Marlins can go play 60 games and the winner faces the last team to make the playoffs.

Trevor Bauer – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks as he threw 105 pitches, which is like 300 pitches in a normal year. I’m sure I’m not the first to say this, but Bauer gives some Nolan Ryan vibes, right?

Yu Darvish – 4 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners (zero walks), 5 Ks. The command is good, and gives me hope for his next start, but was really hoping his pitching was up to his Twitter game.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. HR to the Izzo!

Ian Happ – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Might be the one guy on all my teams that actually came out of the gate hot. Well, besides my baby boos, Lou Bob and Sweet Lew. Big year for Lous. Gonna rename my dog, Lou Lew. He’ll understand.

Corbin Burnes – 3 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks. Hoping Major League star, Corbin Burnes, was K-Put vs. him just not being able to throw more pitches (yanked at 75). By the by, that just made me have a thought (uh-oh). This year will be funky, but I wonder if there’s an NL DH next year, it will mean NL starters go deeper because no double switches.

Freddy Peralta – 3 IP, 4 ER. If your fantasy league has an Upside With No Results category, these Brewers starters are excelling.

Steven Matz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. Matz, usual 2nd half beast, going beast mode in the 1st half that’s happening in the 2nd half!

Edwin Diaz – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 1st blown save on Saturday. Good to see him in midseason form. Since this led to extra innings, allow the quick rant. “Ya know, this free runner on 2nd base in extras isn’t such a bad idea.” SAID LITERALLY NO ONE! If Rob Manfred likes this batshizz stupid shizz, then he is an alien. Yo, Rob Manfred, you a lizard?

Rick Porcello – 2 IP, 7 ER. How’s the saying go, wherever Porcello goes, there he is?

Mark Melancon – Dealing with back issues. Ugh, I learned your C isn’t hard for what, Melancon? For what, I ask you! Will Smith is set to return to the Braves, so Melancon might be on outside looking in by this time next week. Or he’s the closer. Honestly, all pens are a mess. SAGNOF like you’ve never SAGNOF’d before.

Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. OZUNA feeling good. OZUNA feeling well. OZUNA always confuse which one to use.

Austin Riley – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Also, in this game, Dansby Swanson and Ozzie Albies hit their 1st. Now someone unplug Tildaddy, blow in his ear and plug him back in.

Sean Manaea – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER. I didn’t watch this game, but I heard he was cruising until the end. That’s nice. I was out on Manaea this year, so I see he threw 55 pitches, look askew at his earned runs, and confirm my bias.

Dylan Bundy – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. He’s breaking out! Finally! Or not. It’s one start. Streamonator does like his next start though.

Shohei Ohtani – 0 IP, 5 ER. Not going to rub in an “I told you so,” but *looks both ways, whispers* I did tell you not to draft him. Now he’s out for what, two days? Then he returns for a couple games to hit, then pitches again next Sunday? Don’t see the value at all. Sorry, I know he’s “fun” for real baseball.

David Fletcher – 4-for-4, 1 run and his 1st steal, as he hit leadoff. Sonavabench! I don’t know why I had him on my bench. Too many drafts during the shutdown and now I’m scrambling to set my lineups. Also, I was watching the Nats’ game yesterday and saw “DC” in the outfield grass and thought it was abbreviating Dairy Cween, so I am also very stupid.

Mike Trout – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer.

Chris Herrmann – Signed with the Giants. He/him/herr/mann will prolly take over catching duties, because the Giants tossed the towel in for this season in November, 2019.

A.J. Pollock – 1-for-4 as he returned from paternity leave. The Pollocks welcomed a girl after some early confusion. A family friend told the Pollocks that spitting out a baby is no problem, then Mrs. Pollock tried for a few hours to vomit a baby out of her mouth.

Trevor Gott – 1 IP, 1 ER, and his 2nd save. I got Gott, and worry if I hold him, I’ll really get Gott, but get out now while the Gott’ings good? Gott out of here.

Didi Gregorius – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer on Saturday. Even if we get a vaccine in time for next season, Didi should wear the mask. Don’t mess with success!

Robbie Ray – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Maybe because the preseason was lengthened by about five months, or maybe because I don’t own him, but Ray’s like the pitching version of Garrett Hampson. Everyone loves these guys in the preseason, then, after a few games, no one can remember why they loved them. If you’re old, you’ll remember Ricky Nolasco had similar vibes every year. We should have a glossary term for this type of player. Please suggest in the comments.

Dinelson Lamet – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. It’s one start, but we only need ten more just like it, and I’m gonna be so glad I own Lamet in so many leagues.

Garrett Richards – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Please, just give me 50 IP from this schmohawk.

Tommy Pham – 0-for-4 but four steals in the 1st two games. I will call him 60-Game Rickey. On the reals, everyone was stealing off the Diamondbacks, they might be a good target to run on.

James Paxton – 1 IP, 3 ER. His mechanics were off, and the Nats played like a garage band. (That makes sense if you don’t think about it.) Paxton’s velocity was way off, and he couldn’t get comfortable. I’m expecting Paxton to hit the IL with a back or arm issue any day now. Hopefully I’m wrong (I’m never wrong).

Gleyber Torres – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. I’d say he could prove me wrong this year by hitting homers against teams other than the Orioles, but the Yanks have 57 more gams, and half are against the O’s, Marlins and Red Sox teams, so how bad could he be?

Luke Voit – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Voit put a charge into that ball! Voit/Volt, get it? No? Okay.

Stephen Strasburg – Scratched from his Saturday start with a nerve issue in his hand. The nerve was pinched, but straight. If it had been curly, it would’ve been a noive. Nats are saying it’s day-to-day, which is fine-dandy for his handy-hand, but we only have 60 of dem days in the season, so make it snappy, fingers. More ominously, Strasburg said this season was a mess and he wants to think about big picture. If I owned him, I’d be concerned.

Patrick Corbin – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks. Corbin making them look like Yankee Noodle Dandies.

Trea Turner – 2-for-4, and his 1st homer. Who’s the good boy? Treat Urner!

Sean Doolittle – 2/3 IP, 1 ER as he worked the 7th. I said something this preseason like you might win the saves category in your league with 20 total saves. I might’ve been overestimating what a mess pens would be.

Matt Shoemaker – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. He was in Friday’s Buy, but he’s really just an own until further notice, because he’s the type of guy (oh, wee, oh) who could have a Cy Young 50-ish IP.

Ken Giles – Out with elbow soreness, and that’s one less person in Buffalo whenever the Jays can actually go to Buffalo. If you’re fishing for saves, grab Bass.

Ryan Yarbrough – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K. One strikeout doesn’t exactly inflate the pants tent, but Yarbrough was a sleeper for me back in December (hilarious), and I like him a lot.

Blake Snell – 2 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks. Blake Snell = high-priced Robbie Ray. Throwing shade like an umbrella!

Ji-Man Choi – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, as he hit leadoff, and his 1st homer, and 1st career MLB homer from the right side. Ji-Man popped his cherry! Prior, he hit righty just 17 times right-handed in 3,397 career plate appearances, including international play. That deserves a hot schmotato alert! You can get with this or you can get with that, the Choi’s is yours.

Oliver Drake – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save on Saturday. Remind me not to trust Ray’s supposed closers next preseason. Wait, that’s in like eight weeks. I can remember.

Nelson Cruz – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 7 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Cruz is first person to lead the majors in homers the same month he was featured on the cover of the AARP magazine.

Jake Cave – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and 1st homer. Sorry, Clint Frazier, Cave is the best 4th outfielder

Dallas Keuchel – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K. Apparently, it’s not impossible to pitch vs. the Twins. I’m farting in your general direction, Lucas Giolito.

Reynaldo Lopez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER. He was grimacing with each pitch, and his velocity was off five to six MPH all game. Someone flag down Dr. James Andrews’s Lamborghini.

Luis Robert – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Trying to suppress “what could’ve been,” but I struggle not to think about Lou Bob having a huge April and having one of the best rookie seasons ever.

Eloy Jimenez – Left the game with light-headedness. Maybe he owns Luis Robert. It’s doing that to me too.

Corey Kluber – Lifted with shoulder tightness. Lifting sounds like exact opposite of what you want to do. I told everyone to avoid Kluber this year. He was not right last year, even after returning from the broken forearm.

Joey Gallo – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. I fully expect to eat the road skating past Gallo this year.

Trevor Story – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. I just went over a Brady Singer, but here’s a Story.

Randy Dobnak – 4 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. Fun fact! Dobnak is a word Mork from Ork says.

Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. Can I stream everyone against the Pirates? Please, Streamonator, I’m asking politely. They’re starting Adam Frazier as their three-hole hitter, and I don’t think it’s sarcastic!

Dakota Hudson – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Okay, stream everyone but Dakota Hudson.

Kyle Crick – 2/3 IP, 0 ER but 4 unearned runs for the early ticker shock. Maybe the official scorer of the game owns Crick in one league. Thankfully, because those Crick runs might’ve eliminated me in all leagues after two games (and Giolito). Related: I’d own Nick Burdi (1 IP, 0 ER) now.

Jose Osuna – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Not much time this year to cyclops with a monocle, but I still am with Osuna. Have been a fan of his bat, and, if he’s hot, then schmotato will carry.

Colin Moran – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. “Eat it, Chachi,” screamed Moran.

Alex Cobb – 5 1/3 IP, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. He made the Red Sox look like a bunch of chumps. Get you love drunk from the pitcher’s hump. Red Sox are little chumps. They chumps. Okay, song is catchy though. Streamonator hates Cobb’s next start vs. the Marlins, but I’m streaming everyone this year, and would try that in a few leagues.

Jose Iglesias – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Baltimore’s offense meeting the Red Sox’s pitching — the movable object crashes into the easily moved. A study in movements.

Anthony Santander – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Another movement.

Rio Ruiz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. That’s two movements! Speaking of which, thinking the move is to stream hitters against all Red Sox and Orioles’ pitching.

Hanser Alberto – 2-for-4, 1 run. Bill Cosby’s alias when getting illegal Spanish Fly was Handsier Alberto.

Kevin Pillar – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Red Sox’s offense meeting the Orioles’ pitching — Humpty Dumpty meets an egg cracker.

Ryan Weber – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Boston’s pitching staff this year is pitching in the state of Notworthatwoshits.