Buy Name Is Yoenis

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY YESTERDAY ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $5/MONTH.)

During the summer of 2019, Yoenis Cespedes was so taken with the song Old Town Road that he wanted to film his own video remix with a wild boar and Sam Elliott. Not knowing where to begin, Yoenis called Sammy Sosa to advise on costumes because of Sammy’s flair for western wear and Yoenis found the music video director in an aisle at Sam’s Club and thought he had a Sam-only clause. Sammy Sosa was blunt with Yoenis, “You’re not a vaquero, are you? Then get off that tartan bandana and put on a fringe jacket!” Yoenis feared he looked like Dolly Parton in Rhinestone Cowboy and Sam Elliott was on the phone with his agent about this gig, when it all went wrong. Cespedes fractured his ankle, going from 100 legs to 103-ish, and his 2019 was over. Cut to 18 months later (it only feels like 18 years), and Yoenis is back, and healthy. During the break, I gave you a Yoenis Cespedes sleeper, and I’m doing what they call, in rodeo parlance, filling a barrel with two clowns. Every time Yoenis has been healthy, he has been worth owning. Will he stay healthy? Who cares! In 60 games, Yoenis has as much a chance at being the NL MVP as Pete Alonso. Yes, it hurt me to say that. Obviously, it didn’t hurt as much as trying to pull off an Old Town Road remix at Ranchero de Yoenis. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Sean Murphy – Between Triple-A and the majors last year, Murphy saw 51 games (sounds like a full season this year) and hit 14 homers. He does that this year and he’s gonna be a top three catcher, i.e., the cream of the crap.

Isiah Kiner-Falefa – Don’t get caught without a catcher, Falefa says that’s a PITA!

Eric Thames – One word of advice, pretty much everyone in last week’s Buy/Sell is still applicable. Just because I didn’t mention Evan White again, aside from this mention, doesn’t mean I suddenly don’t like him. Just didn’t feel like treading over the same landscape two weeks in a row. As for E.T., does he love the P-Funk, because Parliament is so nearby when Thames phones home? Hmm, that is a legit logic puzzle. Yo, we doing fantasy baseball or Sudoku? Thames is the type who could lead the majors in homers in a short season. Absolutely worth the flyer.

Chris Taylor – Went over him the other day in my Chris Taylor fantasy. It was written while fluffing a feather pillow. Also, Enrique Hernandez should be mentioned after his big Re-Opening Day, and, what do you, he’s been mentioned.

Cesar Hernandez – Fantasy Baseball for 9 months: Oscar Mercado’s gonna be so valuable, whee, yay, yumyum! Moments after Opening Day lineups: I should’ve let the computer autodraft Cesar Hernandez.

Jose Peraza – Not a flashy name, but what kind of league are you in that has Flashy Names as a category? Get that Romper Room shizz out of here!

Adam Frazier – Currently, penciled in as the Pirates’ three-hole hitter, and the Pirates are too cheap to buy an eraser.

Jake Lamb – Just think, if you own Lamb and Falefa, you can open your own kebab takeaway joint. I recognize the hype on Kevin Cron, and appreciate it, but if Lamb’s facing righties, he’s way more valuable. Obviously, this is more of a deep league flyer.

Dansby Swanson – How is a 26-year-old in a stacked lineup only owned in 23% of ESPN leagues? Are 77% of ESPN leagues abandoned? Prolly rhetorical since if they’re abandoned they’re not exactly about to answer me. Hey, league abandoners, eat a D! Haha, they’ll never know.

Austin Riley – A 60-game season is going to be less fantasy baseball and more 60 days of DFS. Teams will play it like two months of the playoffs and you should do the same. As the DFS’ers say, the Braves’s lineup is more stackable than squares in Tetris. I love Austin Riley. Wrote an Austin Riley sleeper during the shutdown. Is he gonna work out over 60 games? Doesn’t matter; he’s roster-able right now. If he loses playing time to Matt Adams, well, that will be dopey, and he’s droppable.

Kyle Lewis – Give me Austin & Lewis on every team like some kind of 50’s comedy duo that specializes in fantasy upside rather than drunk belligerence.

Austin Hays – If the next player suggested is a Kyle, then you’ll know Greybot5000 is overheating and needs a tuneup, and turn away from Austins and Kyles.

Shogo Akiyama – Whew! No problem with Greybot5000! Now, about Akyleyama–NOOOO! I kid, Shogo is a solid five cat contributor at the top of a decent lineup. Of course, that goes out the window if the Reds plan on starting Phillip Ervin at leadoff, like on Friday. My guess is it was due to a lefty being on the mound and Shogo will see most starts, because there’s more righties, which is why it’s hard to find good lefty scissors. Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk.

Trent Grisham – What is wrong with you people not owning this guy carved from a tree previously hit by lighting and burned so hot he turned into a Taki Fuego?

Kwang-Hyun Kim – Here’s what I said the other day, “(Kim) will open season as the Cardinals closer. Oh…*stacks jars of pickles to the moon*….kay. Damn, I’m glad I wasn’t invested at all in the Cardinals’ 9th inning. What an absolute clusterfudge of nonsense. Cards’ manager, Mike Shildthead, said Kim will likely close — a guy who threw 190 1/3 IP last year and has roughly 7.5 K/9 stuff? Are we sure Shildthead knows he has Kim and not Kimbrel or even Joakim Soria? So, I adjusted my top 500 with this news, but I now have no confidence in any reliever in St. Louis.” And that’s me quoting me!

Ryan Pressly – Astros’ fill-in closer while Osuna is temporarily unavailable. By the way, temporarily unavailable this year means a guy is out anywhere from three days to the entire season. 2020:  The Year of the Oblique Timetables.

Tony Watson – Gonna throw Anthony Watsonian in here and mention Matthew Magillacuddy, but with major caveats saying that in this shortened season, an iffy closer on a terrible team prolly isn’t worth the ulcer.

Corbin Burnes – Just gave you my Corbin Burnes fantasy. It was written while calling my mom a Karen.

Spencer Howard – Could’ve listed Nate Pearson, Mackenzie Gore or others, and, would you look at that, I just did! Spencer “Not Ryan” Howard is lined up to possibly start game eight of the season.

Matt Shoemaker – This is your first Streamonator call of the year. Woohoo! Just like the call it made to Instacart to ask if its deliveryman could stay for dinner. Streamonator so lonely!

Vince Velasquez – This is also a Streamonator call. “He brought me my food, it’s only right that I cook it for him.”

SELL

Jacob deGrom – Haters are gonna hate. This is an axiom as old as the earth that Al Gore is trying to save-slash-eat through. I hate. Therefore, I am a hater. Simple as that boys, five girl readers, and one robot that is scheming our deaths. Can deGrom be good? I’d imagine so. In fact, he better be great, considering the price you paid for him. Last I heard, his back felt good. Well, that’s just great! Superb! Fake enthusiasm! Backs are tricky for pitchers. They can sideline guys for a few days, weeks to months. See:  2019 Max Scherzer. If deGrom goes out and has a bad start or two, and claims his back isn’t 100%, but will fight through it, you’re gonna have to fight through being in last place by August 15th. Not saying to trade deGrom for a Jude Law bobblehead that your wife ordered off Etsy, but I would check out our fantasy baseball trade analyzer, and explore options.