Brett Anderson hit the IL with a blister on his finger. Shame really. Super, super sad news. *watches two-hour VHS titled, “Fist Pump Like Tiger Woods,” ejects the tape, stands up awkwardly, raises hand and FIST PUMPS* I’m doing it! I’m fist pumping! So, little ol’ Anderson was willing to play through it but the coaches were worried the compromised grip would affect him. Little ol’ Anderson said, “Gonna have to leave it to the other four horsemen.” Corbin Burnes wasn’t in my rankings, but if I were adding people, I would add him. (At this point, I’m only removing opt outs and seriously injured players, because it’s too late in game to be adding guys for drafts. If you’re following along, you know which guys I like more now.) So, Burnes works off three-point-seventy-five pitches. Not quite four, and operates in the fast lane with a 95+ MPH fastball, and a babymaking slider that produced a 52.1% strikeout rate and .188 BAA. The Milwaukee Burnes’ers’ Burnes had a 12.9 K/9 last year and has great command, though he didn’t show it. Looking for a breakout that is likely available in most shallower leagues? Burnes said, “Say goodnight, Bretty,” and you say hello to Corbin. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Braun – Sounds like he won’t be ready for Re-Opening Day, due to back, oblique, and neck. This confirms it, Braun only plays 75% of games whether there’s 162 games or 60 games.
Eric Lauer – Arrived late at camp, and now won’t be ready for start of the season. Sounds like Trevor Bauer will just have to throw another five innings a start for the Brewers. What’s that, he’s on the Reds? Oh, didn’t you hear, Bauer’s throwing 120 pitches a game for every team to get us through 60 games.
A.J. Puk – Hit the 10-day IL with a shoulder strain, and is headed to see Dr. Neal ElAttrache. Only good ElAttrache is the Nike ElAttraches. Damn, those shizzes were funky! Yo, is it a sandal, a flip-flop, a sneaker a mother-effin boot?! So, I didn’t have Puk in my top 100 starters until the shutdown, then I added him. Teach me to not trust my first instinct. It’s just…I blink so much, how do I know which blink to trust? Alas, Puk got chucked from my top 500 like Chunk chucked puke from the balcony.
Kwang-Hyun Kim – Will open season as the Cardinals closer. Oh…*stacks jars of pickles to the moon*….kay. Damn, I’m glad I wasn’t invested at all in the Cardinals’ 9th inning. What an absolute clusterfudge of nonsense. Cards’ manager, Mike Shildthead, said Kim will likely close — a guy who threw 190 1/3 IP last year and has roughly 7.5 K/9 stuff? Are we sure Shildthead knows he has Kim and not Kimbrel or even Joakim Soria? So, I adjusted my top 500 with this news, but I now have no confidence in any reliever in St. Louis.
Dwight Smith Jr. – Hit the IL with Covid. The O’s have DJ Stewart to replace him, which is appropriate since at least five times a year I confuse the two. Can they both just go by DJ Smith Jr.?
Derek Dietrich – Released by the Reds. Sigh. That sucks. For literally no one but me and Dietrich, since I’m the only a-hole who owns him. He looks like an extra from Uncut Gems and his flashy jewelry was intriguing! Excuse me!
Jed Lowrie – Placed on the IL. He was injured two years ago cashing his $20 million dollar contract, and never the same since.
Walker Lockett – Hit IL with back discomfort. He will be replaced by Walter Poppett who was drafted right before him.
Matt Adams – Signed by the Braves to play some 1st, some DH and just be an all-around “Hey, I didn’t know Matt Adams was on the Braves”-type of guy.
Ryan Pressly – Will be Astros’ closer if Roberto Osuna can’t start year, and all indications Osuna won’t start the year. Whether it’s Pressly or Lee Press, they’re both nails.
Monte Harrison – Won’t make team out of camp. Hopefully, he’s up right after he clears imaginary service time hurdles, which, I believe, is like ten games into the season. I don’t know, which I think is the whole point. This really needs to change. Fans should know a date when every guy can be called up, and it should be one date for everyone. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
Gavin Lux – Dave Roberts said 2nd base is an open competition. Like American Idol? Man, Lux must’ve really pissed off the wrong person to have to compete with Chris Taylor. Even if Lux “wins” the job, it’s going to be at best a platoon, and terrible for his fantasy value.
Anthony Rendon – Maddon’s not certain Rendon will be ready for the season. If I had any last-minute drafts, I wouldn’t be taking Rendon. Obliques are tricky; Trout could leave the team mid-August; semi-colons are fun.
Evan Longoria – Will open season on the IL. Also, Brandon Belt will do the same. Don’t worry, they have Pablo Sandoval and he put on extra weight so he can cover 1st and 3rd.
Casey Mize – Reassigned to minor league camp with Matt Manning, Alex Faedo, Spencer Torkelson and about five other guys who are all better than their MLB counterpart. As Tyra Banks would say, with no Mize, there’s nothing to smize about.
Jakob Junis – Hit the IL with Covid, but could be back by next week. That opens a temporary rotation spot for…*finger to ear bud*…I’m being told the Royals only have two pitchers.
Ke’Bryan Hayes – Returned two negative tests and can rejoin the Pirates. Shame they’ll never play him. Hayes & Mountcastle should go start their own team and BBC show.
John Ryan Murphy – Signed with the Pirates to backup Jacob Stallings. Fun fact! American Horror Story was created in the John by Ryan Murphy.
