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(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY YESTERDAY ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $5/MONTH.)

Hey, welcome back, Buy/Sell Column! “It’s good to be back. I haven’t been this anxious for something to happen since I was screaming for sixteen straight weeks for people to pick up Ty Wigginton.”  Yeah, wasn’t Ty Wigginton already retired, and you were still screaming about it. “I’ve made a lot of other good calls in the past.” Right, right. Like…*The Buy/Sell Column and I think for a good ten minutes about a good call it made* Maybe we should scroll through some of your old posts. “Yeah, good idea.” Hey, in the 1st Buy/Sell last year you told people to pick up Pete Alonso! “I am the best of all-time!” Yeah, then you followed that with a Clint Frazier Buy. “We don’t have to keep recalling past calls.” Fair, fair. So, who’s the number one guy I’m trying to get this week? Kyle Lewis makes me so horny! Last year in 18 games, he hit 6 homers and .268 with the M’s, and has always shown big-time power. I know, I know, I KNOW! His Double-A power numbers (11 HRs in 122 games) are confusing, but that park is one of the worst hitters’ parks in the minors, and his raw power grades out as some of the best you’ll find. I already gave you a Kyle Lewis sleeper during the shutdown, but I’m going to keep pushing the Kyle Lewis narrative until everyone gets him. He has what it takes to be a top 50 overall player in a 60-game season. As good as Pete Alonso? *the Buy/Sell Column and I look at each other* Simultaneously, “Let’s not be crazy.” All I know is Kyle Lewis is more than just what you hear when Forrest Gump says Carl Lewis. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Francisco Mejia – If you need a refresher, open your mouth, I’m about to spray some knowledge into your mouth. “Buys” need to be under 50% rostered at ESPN. Why ESPN? Because old habits yadda, and I don’t feel like searching ownership numbers at other sites. Sells are rostered in over 50% of leagues, and should traded away or dropped if it’s past your trade deadline. Don’t say, “Hey, Grey, you’re handsome and some shizz, but should I drop Gary Sanchez for Mejia?” That’s not how this works. These are waiver wire pickups. As for Mejia, writing’s on the wall that the Padres are moving on from Hedges and going Mejia, saying this week, “Hedges sucks, why are we starting him?” I’m paraphrasing.

Joey Bart – Already gave you my Joey Bart sleeper from during the shutdown. If he doesn’t start the year with the Giants, it’s a service time thing, and could be all-systems-a-go ten days into the season.

Evan White – One word of wise about these M’s hitters who are absolutely dominating Summer Camp:

Renato Nunez – Like anyone who has worn contact lenses, I’m a big fan of Re-Nu. (Hehe, worst joke ever!)

Nick Madrigal – Can’t believe he’s rostered in less than 50% of leagues. Even if the White Sox do something dumb and hold Madrigal down for a week to delay his service time (which, honestly, might not be that dumb), Madrigal will be up quick-fast. Also, here’s my Nick Madrigal sleeper from during shutdown.

Hanser Alberto – Apparently, I am horny for O’s hitters. See what I said about Evan White, and multiple that by five for how shizzy with shizzmarks the O’s pitching they’re facing in the Summer Camp. Hanser batting leadoff, though, could move up his fantasy value, and he’s a much cheaper Arraez. Call him Arraez con Cheapo. (My mastery of the Spanish language is truly incredible.)

Jon Berti – This might be wishful thinking, because I want Berti to have a job so bad, due to his SAGNOF-potential, but he might be on outside looking in. Guess when they lost Starling, Berti had no chance, or am I just loosely remembering Mad Men?

Travis Shaw – Hehe. I don’t need to say more, right?

Carter Kieboom – He’s in the lineup, unlike some rookies where you’re taking arthritis medicine, due to crossing your fingers so hard. If I were the Nats, I’d strongly considering moving Kieboom to the top of the order too; Treat Urner to the two-hole, and let Eaton starve, ironically.

Hunter Renfroe – I know we’ve been burned by Cash before (down with capitalism!) with his constant platoons, but who are the Rays starting in place of Renfroe? Manuel Margot? Not that San Diego shizz again! Margot replaces Kiermaier, if anyone. Renfroe is the kind of guy who could lead the majors in homers in 60 games.

David Peralta – Want goofy cherrypicking? Great! In Peralta’s last full season (2018), he hit 10 homers in August and .361. He’s an MVP candidate this year if he does that.

Austin Hays – Has power and speed, and should see everyday at-bats, since the Orioles’ chances have already flew the coup. Orioles fly right? They’re not like ostriches, are they? How is an ostrich even a bird? If an ostrich is a bird, I’m a bird. Yo, I’m a bird!

Raimel Tapia – According to Rockies’ beat writers, who usually are never right (optimistic!), Hilliard was passed by Tapia on the depth charts, and he’s the new smoke show with swing improvements dating back to March. Wait, it’s not still March? Hmm, I should change my underwear.

Edward Olivares – Just went over him this morning. Use your scrolly finger, and have at it.

Teoscar Hernandez – …and the Teoscar for Supporting Player Who I Want On My Fantasy Team goes to…Teoscar!  Announcer voice, “This is Teoscar’s first Teoscar after being nominated previously for Fast & Furious 12: Get A Vroom.” Also, here’s my Teoscar Hernandez sleeper from during the shutdown.

Nate Pearson – He’s a…*pinkie to mouth* Pearson of interest! Also, here’s my Nate Pearson sleeper from during the shutdown.

Rich Hill – Since Streamonator isn’t quite ready with all the guys going on Re-Opening Day next week (though, it will soon), I’m throwing Hill out here as a guy who could be great for 40 IP this year, and, since most pitchers will only throw 60 IP at most, well, 40 innings is like Nolan Ryan throwing 300+.

Zack Britton – With Aroldis out, Britton should take over his spot. Damn, those colonists!

Kyle Crick – With Keone Kela hitting the IL with undisclosed reasons (that’s been going around), Crick stands to act as the Pirates’ closer for at least the re-opening. Crick is also one of the few players who will have a cheering section in the fan-less stadiums.

Ryan Helsley – Jordan Hicks opted out, Gallegos opted in but should’ve opted out, and–bah gawd, that’s Helsley’s music!

SELL

Jesus Luzardo – This isn’t even about Covid or him starting the season possibly late. Hopefully, he starts the year on time to up his price. I just think he’s overrated right now in people’s minds. Luzardo will not be pushed hard to throw fifty-billion innings in 60 games.

Joey Gallo – Admittedly, I’m lower in my rankings on Gallo than most, so this might be confirmation bias, but this year is cuckoo-bizzonkers. Dudes and five non-dudes, I’m talking about social distancing and it’s not because I’m just anti-social! We’re having black swan events every week like playing Wheel of Fortune with the devil. More like Pat Sajackal! So, Gallo wasn’t good last year because of an injury and says he’s fine. He could be the type to hit 30 homers in 60 games, and this Sell might bite me in the ass (which doesn’t sound like a bad thing — rawr!). I just don’t want any part of a guy who could hit .180 in two months and might be crazy rusty. Not saying to sell Joey Gallo for a sat-on Domino’s cheeseburger pizza, but I’d go to the fantasy baseball trade analyzer and explore options.