Enters passcode to lock door and metal bars snap into place. The counter above the door counts down to when the door will automatically reopen, which is six months from now. Cranks rope, lowering dumb waiter with my La Croix Summer Berry seltzer, while sitting in a bean bag that is outfitted in Giancarlo Stanton’s jersey. I wrap Giancarlo’s straw arms around me, cuddling in. I say to myself, “This dungeon is perfect, but a tad chilly, huh, Bean Bag Stanton?” I chuckle and shake the bean bag, mimicking laughter from Bean Bag Stanton. I press the button to turn on the remote control. MLB TV turns on and the message reads, “This game is blacked out in your area.” Ah, it’s nice to be home. So, on Opening Day, MacKenzie Gore did smoke! Not your average smoke, but the hot kind. Just fire. My God, I love him. MacKenzie Gore went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks with a career-high 13 Ks and he’s gonna win the NL Cy. This is not an overreaction, but more an extrapolation of 6 innings into 200+ IP. He joined J.R. Richard and Bob Gibson as the only pitchers with 13 K, 0 BB on Opening Day. The funniest is all the ‘perts who told you to draft a starter in the 1st few rounds and are now pretending they never said that and how Gore was a good draft pick. Reinventing takes! Sure, Zack Wheeler (6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks) looked solid, but he better, he went around 150 picks before Gore! I loved Gore in the preseason, and told y’all to draft him. Did you listen? No? Wow, it really is fantasy baseball season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! The Buy/Sell is coming later today; it was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the roundup:
Brad Lord – Made the Nats’ pen, and just this winter he was working at Home Depot. Nats’ 6th inning of blowouts will now be the hands of the Lord.
DJ Herz – Hit the IL with an UCL sprain. Bummer, I really liked him early on in draft season, but your bar mitzvah will have to go DJ-less. Dance to the beat in your head, Aunt Myrna!
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Nah, nah, nah, not even letting this spoil my MacKenzie Gore fun like the spoiled milk Harper drinks in his TikToks.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, as he hit cleanup. Finally!
Jordan Romano – 1 IP, 2 ER, as he pitched the 8th. Challenge the Phils’ pen to be normal, but it’s impossible. I wouldn’t be surprised if Romano gets the next save opp or Alvarado or Kerkering or Strahm or Tanner Banks, who’s played by Frankie Muniz.
Jared Jones – Diagnosed with a UCL sprain and they won’t operate on him. Well, not yet. I’m sorry, I hate to be the jerk here, but this is the same nonsense that literally every pitcher does, then they need Tommy John surgery within a year. This sucks. Have the surgery now.
Nick Gonzales – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, but left with an ankle injury. Just as I was mid monocle.
David Bednar – 0 IP, 1 ER and the loss. Shit-the-Bednar picking up right where he left off last year (and this spring). I still like Dennis Santana as the handcuff, even if he entered the 6th. I’d talk about Colin Holderman, but for some reason Skenes altered his locker to read Colin erman.
Paul Skenes – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. He’s gonna go 10-1/1.90/0.90/275 Ks with 17 no decisions.
Sandy Alcantara – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. He’s gonna go 10-1/1.90/0.90/275 Ks with 17 no decisions. Only he’ll be 1-1 at the Break with 17 no decisions, then he’ll be traded to the Yankees where he’ll go 9-0.
Connor Norby – Out for at least a month with an oblique strain. Can’t have anything nice, like a guy who could go by one name, Connorby, while not shortening his name at all. 2nd basemen rankings were updated. Also, all rankings are now locked and loaded. It’s take-off ess zed en!
Graham Pauley – 1-for-4. Lead suspect to take over for Norby at 3rd for the Marlins. This isn’t suspect as in crime suspect, but more like, “My Hyundai’s rims fell off when I hit a pothole. Man, that car is suspect.”
Landen Roupp – Made the Giants’ rotation with Hayden Birdsong relegated to the bullpen. Told you in the starters to target to grab Roupp, and he was excellent in camp. Not sure how much mileage we get out of him. Kinda start by start basis for now, especially with Birdsong right behind him, breathing down his neck, doing a tweet-tweet-tweet. Change your name to Hayden X, why don’t you? If Roupp has unlocked his command, and it seems like he has, he could be an every-league starter. For now, deeper leagues, and to drive home my point, he will be in this afternoon’s Buy column. That’s right, the Buy’s back!
Heliot Ramos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. That’s my preseason Heliot Ramos sleeper to you.
Jung Hoo Lee – 0-for-2, 2 runs, as he hit third. Wanted Jung Hoo in more leagues than I drafted him, which I believe was none. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because why the hell not?
Austin Hays – Hit the IL. That’s just his luck and just the Reds’ Lux’s luck (made ya sound dumb in your head), who hit cleanup.
Spencer Steer – 0-for-4 as he DH’d. Wasn’t he supposed to be IL’d? I hate liars and the Reds are lying liars! Still want nothing to do with him if he has shoulder issues. Usually takes 8+ hours of smoking to make a Steer’s shoulder that tender.
Ian Gibaut – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, who gave up the homer to Wilmer Flores in the 9th to blow Hunter Greene’s win (5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks) because, uh, Francona used to wear Gibaut jeans?
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-2, 1 RBI as he hit third. Yankees’ lineup is a good litmus test on whether you’re a Yankees fan. If you are, you see a solid lineup that’s being underrated. If you’re not, you see a three and four hitter (Goldschmidt) who combined for 40 HRs last year, and the big bat the Yankees lost hit 41 HRs.
Austin Wells – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, as a catcher hit leadoff for the 1st time ever on Opening Day for the Yankees. Can’t believe the Yankees waited so long to hit a catcher leadoff. All those Rick Cerone bombs they could’ve had.
Anthony Volpe – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Nothing you see in one game is indicative of anything, except Volpe is gonna have a huge season.
Carlos Rodon – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Had both of these guys going and since neither blew up my junk and called it, The Lorena Bobbitt, I count myself lucky.
Vinny Capra – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. It’s a wonderful life! More of an NL-Only monocle, but I’m watching him because he had a huge spring.
Jackson Chourio – 0-for-5, 5 Ks. Drop him!
Tommy Edman – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Yeah, but he had three games to do it, so whatevs.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Yeah, but Edman homered for the 2nd time before him, so Edman>Ohtani.
Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Oscar season ends in Hollywood right as Teoscar season begins. Hmm…[thinks for three hours]…mmm.
Blake Snell – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. As a watcher of this start, I–Well, I was more like ‘coverer of my eyes’ of this start.
Tanner Scott – 1 IP, 1 ER, as he worked the 8th. Blake Treinen (1 IP, 0 ER) recorded the save. It’s going to be Tanner Scott for 75% of saves, and all hands on deck for the other 25%.
Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-1 and his 1st homer, 2 runs, 4 walks, as he hit cleanup. It would not be out of the realm of possibilities that a top prospect in baseball struggled for a few years, then broke out. Tork could do that work.
Adley Rutschman – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. What’s that I’m feeling, heartburn? Ulcer? Eye twitching spasm? Oh, I know! It’s the return of that FOMO of a player homering who you don’t roster in any fantasy league.
Cedric Mullins – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Don’t call him Contemplatins, he be Mullins! Told ya he was gonna hit 300+ homers this year. Could we have our first hot schmotato?
Jordan Westburg – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Only O’s player who didn’t homer was Gunnar Henderson. Sigh.
Tyler O’Neill – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer.
Tyler O’Neill Opening Day homers:
2020
2021
2022
2023
2024
2025
2026
2027 won’t happen due to a lockout
2028 will happen but
2029 won’t happen because of a pandemic
2030 see 2029
2031 season is played out with AI-generated tools— Razzball (@razzball.bsky.social) March 27, 2025 at 1:25 PM
Zach Eflin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks. He looked better than the line, and the line doesn’t look bad. Or maybe just good compared to:
Jose Berrios – 5 IP, 6 ER. War Rom pushes him on me every year. Swear to God, War Room was built by a team of Russian Disinformation Youths. Holy crap! That’s what RUDY stands for!
Andres Gimenez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Became a cleanup hitter and a method actor.
Tanner Bibee – Was scratched with food poisoning. Lolz:
Vinnie Pasquantino – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 1st homer. Ay yo, Pasketti!
Kyle Manzardo – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s here now and I am absolutely monocle’ing.
Cole Ragans – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. Ben Lively – 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks. Neither pitcher, Cole or Ben, looked Lively, hoping it’s spring rust.
Jonathan India – 0-for-5 as he hit leadoff. Royals starting with India is one thing, but I can’t believe they had Lord Ivar Mountbatten throw out the 1st pitch, disgusting.
Emmanuel Clase – 1 IP, 1 ER. In our Razzball picks, Rudy called Clase his Bust of the Year, and unless he likes his mammaries, I agree with him. I only didn’t write a Clase schmohawk post because he’s a closer, so who cares.
Tyler Soderstrom – 2-for-3 and his 1st and 2nd homer. He sounds like sparkling water, and right now there’s a meme going around about sparkling water. Clearly (Canadian), he can’t miss!
Luis Severino – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, but had his win blown by Jose Leclerc. Trying to think why I didn’t want Severino in any leagues and not sure I’ve figured it out. Though, this was against the M’s, which is short for ‘Mmm, not good.’
Logan Gilbert – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks. Look at that, Opening Day, and a team’s best starter is pitching. I’m farting in Berrios’s general direction.
Randy Arozarena – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. The Rice Bowl could use a little bouncing back, or just not starting cold. Can you hear me, JRod?!
Mickey Moniak – Signed with the Rockies. Ha! The Angels and Rockies are more or less the same team, exhibit number (lost count).
Ben Brown – Made the Cubs’ rotation. Is he still in it? I mean, I heard on Tuesday, and, well, here’s the thing: 5th starters for a team out of camp could last until September or by Monday. Grab one upside flyer starter, see how he does, then go from there. Do I like Brown? Sure, if the league is an NL-Only. In an mixed league? Look at Streamonator.
Ian Happ – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. In drafts, “No, I don’t want Happ. I want upside.” Opening Day, “Why the hell did I want upside?”
Justin Steele – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 8.00 in his 2nd start. He’s on pace for 100+ starts.
Zac Gallen – 4 IP, 4 ER. Honestly, I just hope he’s healthy. With pitchers, that’s always around 50/50.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. If his 1st half is like his 2nd half, we’re gonna be feeling so foolish for not drafting him everywhere. Not foolish like how I drafted Colson Montgomery on teams, but foolish nevertheless.
Lars Nootbaar – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hit leadoff. My sleeper is hitting leadoff. Sah-weet!!! Wait, Masyn Winn was my sleeper too, and he’s hitting 9th. Flah-eeting!
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Check this out, I have a personally signed no-trade clause from Nolan, it’s over by that open window–NOOOOOO!!! Torenado!
Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Wasn’t sure where he’d be after his rocky spring, so this was reassuring.
Pablo Lopez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks. I don’t know what it is about projections systems always loving this guy, but I was so out, and glad I never got bamboozled into drafting him.
Jordan Montgomery – Needs Tommy John surgery. Damn, the Dbacks’ owner could’ve added two Honus Wagner cards instead.
Ryan Johnson – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Angels promoted him, even though he didn’t see one inning in the minors. I liked Knives Out too, but that’s nuts. He seems like a loonbag, so he will make a great reliever. By the by, don’t have kids, but I’m not sure it’s great parenting to teach your kid how to walk by pushing them onto a freeway, and that’s the Angels’ minor league instruction.
Jack Kochanowicz – Named the Angels’ 5th starter over Detmers. You might know Jack Kochanowicz for the childhood game he’s famous for, Gochanosewitz.
Logan O’Hoppe – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Boy’s got O’Hoppe’s!
Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks vs. the White Sox’s Sean Burke – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks. When I write “vs. (team)” it’s to signal to you that he was facing a great or terrible team. Guess which one this was. You can monocle Burke if you like, but he needs to be Skenesesque for me to carry an untested pitcher on a terrible team.
Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. In this game, Austin Slater (1-for-3) and Lenyn Sosa (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) both hit their 1st. White Sox going 162-0 this year.
Michael King – 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Had a perfectly nice day going. Always gonna be one Solange in the elevator.
Robert Suarez – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. As B-52’s would say, Robert Suarez is RUSTY. He escaped (unlike Bednar), but didn’t look great.
Ozzie Albies – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hit 5th. Boy, that stinks he had to hit in the five hole, huh? Only one three-run homer. I’m being sarcastic, is that clear? Also, Austin Riley (1-for-5) hit his 1st homer. It’s the Braves’ revenge tour.
Chris Sale – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Rooting hard against Sale because I don’t have him in any leagues. “Rooting hard against Sale” has my Jewish ancestors rolling over in their grave.
Clay Holmes – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER. Ya mean Holmes isn’t as great when it’s not Spring Training? Weird. I’d use Streamonator for him.
Luke Jackson – 1/3 IP, 3 ER. So, I’d guess Chris Martin for Rangers saves, but Church is there, and I’m not just saying Church like Snoop does or saying Chris Martin like Coldplay fans.
Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks. No one wants him though. People insist on drafting everyone but him.
Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. It’s nice to be in on Framber this year and not have to make excuses for why I don’t like him.
Rafael Devers – 0-for-4 as he DH’d. Alex Cora said the Red Sox are better with Bregman at 3rd and Devers at DH. And that was when Masataka Yoshida realized he was dressed as Kevin McAllister and everyone forgot him.
Wilyer Abreu – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Wilyer look at that! I’d be very surprised if Wilyer Abreu doesn’t hit at least 300 homers this year.
Garrett Crochet – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. I was told people are drafting him in the top 25 because he’s gonna be the best starter in baseball. Quite a yarn for Crochet!
Liam Hendriks – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. Hopefully it’s just procedural to give him more time, but I hate how this sounds. Rooting for him, even if it’s unrelated to fantasy. I sound almost like an adult. Now watch how that maturity disappears: Slaten and Whitlock are handcuffs for Aroldis. Weird, usually Aroldis brings his own handcuffs.
