Mariners Call Up Their Best Baby Animal Prospect Since The Kid

Mariners are calling up Colt Emerson and I started screaming tridents up so loud I blacked out and hit my head. I woke up in the city of Atlantis. I said to the fish people, “Gggggrgggegggh.” And they said back to me, “Gggggrgggegggh.” How pleasant. I asked them if they had any thoughts on Colt Emerson and they said, “Gggggrgggegggh,” while pointing me to my Colt Emerson fantasy. And that’s the fish ggggrgggegggh’ing me! Then, the fish asked, “Gggggrgggegggh?” And I have to admit, it was a good question. Had Colt done anything since that post? Let’s see, this year so far: 7/10/.255 with a 27.2 K% and 10.1 BB%. The ballooning of the Ks still has me perplexed, but he’s been better recently. I grabbed him in my shallowest league, because speed and power plays. Since the M’s already paid him, it’s full steam ahead to let him sink and swim. Hopefully, it’s the latter and not too much gggggrgggegggh’ing. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

George Kirby – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.45. We need to get back to when Safeco was a pitchers’ park. They fiddled with the knobs last year to help Cal hit 60 homers and now they need to fiddle ’em back.

Gavin Sheets – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, 2nd and 3rd homer in two games, and third time this week I’m giving you a Sheety pun. Holy Sheets!

Lucas Giolito – 5 IP, 3 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 3 Ks, as he was called up. Let’s dig in on this prospect! He had a 7.9 K/9 and 4.76 ERA in the minors this year–Okay, enough foolsies, though those stats are not exactly wiping the floor with minor leaguers. Though, Part 2: Another of Thoughs, he was likely just getting up to speed. Seems like a decent 15-team mixed league backend starter and pretty meh in shallower.

Jose Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 7th homer, hitting .229. Guardians hit six homers yesterday, and this was the first time the Guardians hit that many homers since 2019. Some other sports highlights from 2019, Rudy Gobert said, “I will never start a pandemic.” Someone spotted Alex Bregman at a Blue Man Group show swinging a bat every time the Blue Men drummed, and Juan Soto and Trea Turner said, “We will always be Washington Nationals.” Also in this game, Brayan Rocchio (2-for-3, 2 runs) hit his 4th homer and Angel Martinez (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 9th, and 2nd in two games, and 4th in the last week. I put them together because they’re both under-rostered and have been very valuable, but Angel’s been heaven-sent. Next, Kyle Manzardo (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 3rd and 4th homer. He’s an overdue 30-homer hitter. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo, Manzardo has a lot more in his bat this year. Finally, Chase DeLauter (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 7th homer. He’s been mostly nonexistent in the last few weeks–PSYCHE! I gotcha, didn’t I? Yes, I did! DeLauter’s last 18 games: .365, .438 OBP, 12 RBIs. Six homers again by the Guardians are a nice reminder that the years have changed but we’re not that different than 2019. Now, just keep Gobert away from Hantavirus.

Gavin Williams – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.67. Zero walks from Gavin with his 10.7 K/9 is pure bliss like heating a Totino’s pizza roll to the exact right temperature.

Elly De La Cruz – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer, hitting .302. Not to throw shade at Oneil Cruz like a drunk maiden with a parasol, but look at E!’s strikeout rate some time and see the difference.

Trevor Story – Hit the IL with a groin injury that had been bothering him since April. He’s got one futzy putzy! Imma take a nap. [shuts eyes, ten seconds later, shoots eyes open] I’m back, baby!

Brayan Bello – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 7.16. Apparently, he needs to start his games in the 2nd inning.

Payton Tolle – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.05 vs. Bryce Elder – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.01. Some people have a lot riding on whether or not you draft starters high in the preseason. It’s their thing. You really needed Tarik Skubal? What about Skenes? You needed him? When you could’ve rolled out of bed mid-April and picked up Tolle and Elder and been sitting here with two barely-at-2 ERA pitchers. Yeah? Okay.

Grant Holmes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.80. The Shroud of Touki also is covered in pine tar and their starters are cheating, right? I mean, c’mon, the Braves really have a sub-3.00 ERA for their entire staff? Let’s be freakin’ real. Well, Streamonator likes Holmes’s next start, because it knows they’re cheating.

Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, 2nd homer last week. Carl’s Jr. Jr’s drive thru the ball to take it out.

Austin Riley – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .220. Guy’s got the life of Riley! (Which is to be one of the best 3rd baseman in the league to washed-up by 29.)

Casey Mize – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.43 as he was activated from the IL. The Tigers’ corresponding move was optioning down B. Hanifee, the toffee-banana pie from The Great British Bake Off.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and his 1st homer since 4/20. Wow, that must’ve been some weed.

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.45. Started doing this thing where I call everyone I meet Kevin. It’s fun, you should do it too.

Blake Snell – Having loose bodies removed like he’s a Puritan bouncer. Could River Ryan be on his way? [hopeful, excitement rises, heart flutters, sees Eric Lauer signed with the Dodgers] Those heart flutters were gas.

Roki Sasaki – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.09. Cool, do it for another month and maybe I’ll consider you.

Grayson Rodriguez – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, as he was recalled. Looks like the Angels’ pitching coaches worked their magic. I will give credit for the Angels’ keen eye for talent. They sent down Alek Manoah because he gave up 8 ER on Saturday, and they knew Grayson would only allow 7 ER. Do you know how hard it is to tell difference between Manoah and Grayson? Only the Angels can!

Tommy Pham – Signed with the O’s. [seeing Pham bring a cancerous energy to the Mets’ clubhouse that tanked their entire season] O’s, “That’s what we want!”

Gunnar Henderson – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (6), hitting .214. Get your hands and arms inside the Buy Low window is about to close.

Colton Cowser – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .173. I honestly thought he might’ve just came back from the IL this weekend after a year-long stint, because his numbers are so awful. Nope! 37 games played. Oof.

Coby Mayo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .185. Pete Alonso (0-for-4, 1 RBI) is hitting .215; Tyler O’Neill (1-for-4) is hitting .178 and, hey, did the O’s lay-off their eye doctor?

Jacob Young – 1-for-2 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Kyle Leahy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.94. Frankly, I like the whole “losing two miles of velocity on his fastball and becoming usable,” why do you ask?

Noah Cameron – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.40. Going off what I said for Leahy, this is the way smart pitching coaches are now proceeding. Cameron found success with that approach last year, hopefully he gets back to that. Streamonator says he gets the M’s next time, and I don’t mind it. If he figures out his command, that is the way he can be helpful.

Stephen Kolek – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.24 vs. Andre Pallante – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.04. I put both of these lines through a If Grey Started Them Calculator and they both gave up 10 ER.

Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.53. “Zero walks” from any starter makes me grow a third eyeball and have all of my eyeballs spin to three cherries.

Eury Perez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.33. He should be moving towards zero rostered. Gave him a chance but a 5+ ERA approaching June? C’mon. I know you’re not related to him. There’s no other reason to roster him.

Nick Martinez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.51. Not trying to make too much of it, because 100+ MPH does make scouts lean forward, but I wonder how long until it trickles down to the amateur levels and people are like, “Stop throwing 98, throw strikes at 92, that’s what the majors like.” I might be talking out my ass but I wouldn’t be shocked if kids are taught to throw 92 MPH with command vs. 98 and wild in another decade. Look around the league at those throwing 98? Great, here’s an elbow surgery for you. Throwing 92 with command? Here’s another 30 starts for you.

Drew Rasmussen – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.19. Don’t be messin’ with the Mussen.

Yandy Diaz – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .295. Didja hear the Rays were teaching their hitters to not hit the ball hard? Can you imagine Yandy hearing that? [looking at his muscles] “Why’d I workout for the last 25 years?”

Junior Caminero – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .256. Guy hits a homer they gotta run ten laps for hitting it hard?

Bubba Chandler – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.12. Please, just drop him. We can get back in down the road if he finds command (unlikely this year).

Paul Skenes – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.62. I blame Oneil Cruz’s defense.

Cristopher Sanchez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 13 Ks, ERA at 1.82, in 108 pitches. Do you know how hard it is to throw 13 Ks and not max out your pitch count so you can throw nine innings? Basically impossible. This is why I keep saying Cristopher Sanchez is my long shot for NL Cy.

Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.99. Since returning from injury, 31 2/3 IP, 30 Ks, 0.88 WHIP, and yesterday was his season-high 8 Ks. Wheeler rolls on.

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .330 in May with six homers. Oneil should’ve caught yesterday’s homer though.

Bryson Stott – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .224. He’s a .280 hitter, so there’s a Buy Low here.

Heliot Ramos – Hit the IL with a quad strain. Can’t spell Heliot without IL and, if you do and say his name, you sound like a jackass braying.

Trevor McDonald – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.37. He has a 1.4 BB/9. You can only go so wrong with that. It’s basically the starter equivalent to a Get Out Of Jail Free card. Make a mistake? Oops, give up a solo homer and don’t collect $200. Big whoop. Will he stay in the rotation after Webb returns? He’s better than Adrian Houser (6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, 5 BBs, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.25) by a lot, so it would be dumb–[sees Tonnato Vitello sunbathing with cucumbers on his eyes]–Okay, so maybe they do something dumb, but I’d try to pick up McDonald.

Harrison Bader – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, 3rd homer in four games, now hitting leadoff and I just raised my FAAB bid for him a dollar.

Jeffrey Springs – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.93. He’s usually a straight Road Scholar, but was homeschooling yesterday, and I wouldn’t change my opinion of him.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. “Hey, do you know if a dead body goes in the black, blue or green trash bin–Hold on! Gurriel moved! He’s alive!”

Corbin Carroll – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. Coors adds 15 feet and subtracts one hamate bone injury.

Elmer Rodriguez – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.15 as he was recalled with Fried being fried. This means Will Warren will stay in the rotation when Cole returns and Elmer will be bumped. “Bumping Elmers” sounds like hazing at a sorority.

Ben Rice – 1-for-5 and his 15th homer. Rice-a-HRoni!

Clay Holmes – Will miss six to eight weeks with a fractured fibula. Good news is he’ll return this season. Bad news is he’ll return to the Mets.

Devin Williams – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.60. “Wow, actually decent for once,” is what I thought, then I saw David Bednar (1 IP, 3 ER) with a 4.95 ERA. There’s literally one decent closer in MLB.

Davis Martin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.61. Drafting in March, “I’m feeling pretty confident with Skubal and Hunter Brown. So, why did I draft Davis Martin? Meh, I don’t know I’ll likely drop him anyway.” Today, “Will you sign my petition to make Davis Martin the AL Cy Young?”

Seranthony Dominguez – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.82. Bryan Hudson and Grant Taylor are both much better. It’s not even close. Seranthony’s in his Meet Joe Black era.

Michael Busch – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Need Busch to make a pusch pusch.

Michael Conforto – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .345. I’d say hot schmotato, but who would listen?

Robert Gasser – 4 IP, 2 ER, as he was promoted. He looked better than the line, and you know I love Brewers’ starters, but Woodruff is nearing a return.

Logan Henderson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.50 vs. Connor Prielipp – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.88. This was a matchup of, “Connor vs. Logan in the ROY conversation? Which sounds like a Succession spoiler.”

Garrett Mitchell – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .223. Mitchell hit the hardest ball of the year for the Brewers (115.5 MPH), and I’m trying to see if that matters for any of my leagues and I’m coming up empty.

Christian Yelich – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer. Not bad for a guy with a back of a 78-year-old.

Bailey Ober – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.63. Five innings, three earned runs and one strikeout is what the doctor prescribes when you have a four-hour erection.

Ryan Jeffers – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .294, 2nd homer in five games, and is hitting third. I’m about to apply to be President of Jeffers’ Fan Club, the Ryan Jeffers Heritage Society.

Nathan Eovaldi – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.62. Thank God, I started him even though he was supposedly dealing with a sore–Ya know what? Not even gonna mention it so I don’t jinx him.

Jake Burger – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .232, 2nd homer in four games, hitting .400 in the last week, and hitting near-.270 in May. Burger with a side of schmotato.

Jose Altuve – Hit the IL with a Grade 2 oblique injury. Grade 2 either means it’ll cost him a month or he has an oblique the size of a 2nd grader.

Peter Lambert – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.57. He had 6 IP, 0 ER when I looked at him to start the 6th. Wha’ happened?! Streamonator hated this start, I should’ve listened.

Kai-Wei Teng – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.61. Teng has zero command, and that’s a Kai-Wei to the [sting] DANGER ZONE.