Complete-ly Mis-erable

MisIO’s latest update makes history starting with faster speeds, increased efficiency and introducing warped eye guy emoji. I hate to do another Mis lede but he just keeps making history, it’s my journalistic duty, my hands sweaty, dirty, grubby and tied! Milwaukee Brewers Ace slash heartthrob slash Disclosure Day alien slash AI-generated starter Jacob Misiorowski turned in his best performance yet Friday night pitching a complete game one-hit shutout, striking out 15 (26 whiffs) for his eighth win and doing in with just 95 pitches aka the “Maddox.” Mis was a Kyle Schwarber single away from a perfect game, but due to a double play he did face the minimum 27 batters and set the record for most strikeouts recorded in a “Maddux” with 74 of his 95 pitches called strikes. He threw 31 pitches over 102 mph, including a 105 mph fastball, the fastest pitch ever recorded in MLB history. Sweet sassy molassy! Jacob averaged 104 with the fastball on the night and he’s throwing that unhittable heater more than ever before. Trying not to sound too hyperbolic when I tell you it was among the greatest pitching performances in history. I mean it, not even fangirling! Well, I am but still. Over his past eight starts he’s 7-0 with a 0.17 ERA, 0.52 WHIP, with hitters batting just .105 off him. He’s allowed just one earned run in the stretch with an 80/9 K/BB. It’s entirely possible we’re witnessing an all-time legendary stretch of dominance from a starting pitcher in ever, folks. In ever! I mean, Skenes is great, with all due respect, but the Mis is what we all dreamed Skenes could be someday. Jacob is the real Paul Skenes. Livvy should be dating him! He’s the top starter in Major League Baseball, he’s one of the most electric players in any sport today and has velocity like we’ve never seen. Now I understand the new distorted face emoji. It’s (TFW) that face when you try to hit Jacob Misiorowski fastball. I’m in complete Mis-sery and couldn’t be happier.

Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Jake Bauers – 1-for-3, HR (13), 3 RBI, slashing .277/.376/.515. So apparently I’m really good at soccer now? Who knew! Four goals!? I could get used to this! Flo Balogun, born in Brooklyn, raised in UK? Sounds like a sitcom—what’s more American than that? Also, something about the US as an underdog is an extremely compelling watch. How many streaming services do I need to watch the next game, sign me up for all of them. Jake wasn’t a BUY this week but he was basically every week before that so hopefully you caught on by now and own him. If not you have 24 hours and a Nokia flip phone to grab him before he’s scooped off waivers and the White House is destroyed. Wait, scratch that last part cause some of you might actually enjoy that you sickos. Not during the World Cup! Clock’s ticking!

Sandy Alcantara – 8.0 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, BB, 7 K, 6th win. The velocity is there but the whiffs less so. Sandy Cheeks gas ain’t fooling as many these days. They don’t call him cheeks for nothing! Still he’s been more than serviceable lately with three straight wins in June and one of the last true starters who more often than not goes 6+ innings. He gets the Phillies next week which I don’t love but I also didn’t draft him.

Braxton Ashcraft – 5.0 IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 4 K. A little disappointing for Brax considering the matchup but overall he was good enough for a win but his offense unfortunately was not. Pirates gonna Pirate—or Pirates gonna pillage or arrrgh as they say, literally!

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4, HR (17). I’ve mentioned this before but B-Lo was a free agent that could have been had at a reasonable price by any team in the league, we know this because Pittsburgh signed him and we know they’re not outbidding anyone.

Liam Hicks – 3-for-4, 3 runs, HR (13), 2 RBI. I’m not sure why the Marlins have struggled so hard to find their leadoff hitter. Xavier Edwards was fine and he leads the team in OBP. Why not try Otto Lopez who leads the league in batting average with .342? He has just 10 walks though which is kind of crazy for a guy with 275 ABs. Oh Hicks, yeah he was great in April and sucked in May and now he looks great again! Kinda like the Marlins. Go Fish! Get Hooked!

Kyle Stowers – 2-for-4, run, RBI. He seems like he’s about to turn a corner and become the Stowers of Powers we all want him to be but maybe it just looks that way because he’s hitting third.

Shane Baz – 5.0 IP, 6 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, K. Baz-inga is right! What am I supposed to do with that line. One strikeout? You think Leonard could even handle a girl like Penny? The results have been pretty underwhelming but he does have three wins, a 2.39 ERA, 1.19 WHIP and 29/13 K/.BB over the past month. He’s had a string of favorable matchups but he gets another one in C-Attle next week and I could see considering the prospect of maybe thinking about mulling over the possibility of contemplating whether or not I should review the option of potentially picking him up. I still don’t know for sure, though!

Gunnar Henderson – 3-for-3, 2 runs, HR (14), slashing .226/.293/.421 . Sigh, I hate so much the things you choose to be. He is infuriating to own, and you must think I’m so spoiled complaining about my 14 homer shortstop but the 0-for-4s really cut deep and occur regularly. No one has more ABs than Gunnar so far. The lows are low but the highs are oh so high. Congrats on one hundo homers to my best and worst frenemy.

Samuel Basallo – 1-for-4, HR (10), 2 RBI. Speaking of Baz’s here’s another one. This is how Sammy responded to Mr. Manager’s benching. Basallo bomb!

Tanner Bibee – 7.0 IP, 2 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 8 K, 2nd win, ERA at 3.94. Be my, be my Bibee! This is the rope a dope, three straight quality starts have you starting him at Milwaukee in confidence? No thank you! It’s been a combination of good luck and cherry matchups for Tanner and he’s now won back-to-back starts after going 0-7 and posted a 34% CSW vs. Detroit. I likes what I sees from Tanner over the past month but as the great poet once said “Hit Me Bibee One More Time”. If you can survive Milwaukee I’m back in.

Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-3, HR (11). His 11th homer (ELEVEN). What’s the difference between exit velocity and torque? Oh, you mean Tork torque? If you are unfamiliar with Spencer’s work he is prone to homer binges and has now gone yard in back-to-back. The binge could be coming!

Sonny Gray – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, 7 K, 8th win. Emphasis on the Sonny! No clouds here! Lots of sunshine, and less grey for this start. Rainbows AF. He’s now got a quality start in five of his last six starts and having eight wins on a 28 win team is pretty impressive, that’s over a quarter of their wins!

Ceddanne Rafaela – 3-for-5, 3 runs, HR (7), 3 RBI, SB (7). Oh Ceddanne boy, the hype, the hype, is calling! The slam & legs in Boston is served in a steaming hot cup of clam chowder cause nothing screams summer day at the ballpark better than hot, creamy fish soup!

Willson Contreras – 3-for-4, HR (14), 2 RBI. Wilyer Abreu also homered (8). Willson’s batting .333/.421/.727 with three bombs, and has been a bright spot in a lineup filled with dark, black holes. Hate to give Mr. General Manager any credit but the veterans brought in to help (Contreras, IKF, Gray) have delivered it’s the young guys that have not stepped up. Roman Anthony has literally been missing for months. His face is on the side of Dunkin milk cartons now.

Ryan Weathers – 4.1 IP, 5 hits, 6 ER, BB, 2 K, 5th L. Alright, I think I’ve Weathers’d this storm long enough and I’m done holding you. Seven home runs in three starts is my breaking point. He generally goes deep into games but the Ks haven’t been there the past two starts either.  I’ll see ya in the streamers, pal, but not for the White Sox.

Trey Yesavage – 5.0 IP, 4 hits, 5 ER, 6 BB, 3 K, 3rd win. Yesss savage! Savage because six walks, yikes! And now I just had to calm my dog down before I could continue typing. No walkie now. Later. Trey has now allowed five earned runs in three of his past four starts which is definitely more savage and less classy, bougie and ratchet.

Louis Varland – 1.0 IP, 2 K, SV (12). Louie Louie! He’s the best thing to happen to the Blue Jays this year.

George Springer – 1-for-2, HR (6), 2 RBI. Unlike 2025, we seemed to skip Springer this year because it’s already summer.

Kazuma Okamoto – 1-for-4, HR (14), 2 RBI. Thankfully, Murakami got injured and gave Okamoto some time to catch up. He’s gaining on him!

Alejandro Kirk – 3-for-3, 2 RBI as he returned after more than two months on the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup department is busy with round the clock World Cup coverage. You wouldn’t believe how many ways there are to report on Europeans eating American fast food. It’s fascinating!

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-5, HR (10). This Belli bomb traveled at least “420 blaze it feet.” That’s a technical baseball term!

Trent Grisham – 1-for-4, 2 RBI. Left game with hamstring tightness and sounds like he’s for sure headed to IL. Jasson Dominguez truthers time to ready your Hamilton “One Shot” video edits.

Roki Sasaki – 4.1 IP, 7 hits, 7 ER, 3 BB, 4 K, 4th L. Ahh, there he is. He got you with the Roki dokie in the ol’ tailpipe. Part of me thinks the White Sox are just that good, and I won’t be starting pitchers against them if I can help it. Sasaki hadn’t allowed more than four hits in a start in almost a month. And I could see lowkey see buying Roki low…key.

Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-4, HR (7). Benny BUY has got to be one of the luckiest dudes in beisbol. First that 2018 team, getting to dance with Mookie with every day? Uhh, yes please! Let’s be best friends forever. And now riding this South Side Chisox team’s coattails  to relevance after losing with them for years? This could give his career a second wind. He’s got four homers in the past two weeks! And the White Sox, yes, those White Sox, just beat the Dodgers and are six games over .500! I said it last week but they might be, possibly, maybe, feasibly, potentially, conceivably, perchance, could be a wagon, y’all!?

Nick Lodolo – 5.1 IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, BB, 5 K. Does he count as drafting an injured starter? Nick “I got blisters on me fingahs” Lodolo, YOLO’d his way onto many of my teams and has been meh with some flashes of “okaaayyyy.” My mistake, you’re only supposed to Lodolo once I guess.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 2.2 IP, 2 hits, ER, 5 BB, 3 K, 85 pitches. We’ll always have that May 2026.

Noelvi Marte – 1-for-4, HR (1). Speaking of players I drafted everywhere and 420 blaze it bombs, this one’s for real! The first Noel-vi. *holding back tears* Insert it’s been 84 years Titanic meme.  Marte is slashing .316/.381/.526 with the home run and three steals in 19 at bats since being recalled early this month. I trust the skills are there to succeed what I don’t trust yet is the playing time!

Jordan Lawlar – 2-for-4, run, 2 RBI, 2 SB (3). Another post-hype prospect for me to monocle and I’ll be watching JorLaw closer than the Euphoria finale, and not just for Sydney Sweeney’s OnlyFans subplot. There are other reasons to watch I think. Lawlar’s speed and eligibility are particularly interesting but it wasn’t too long ago he was one of the top prospects in all of baseball.

Joe Ryan – 6.0 IP, 6 hits, 3 ER, 8 K. My dude is pitching as hard as he can to get on a new team by August. He’s rocking a 2.87 ERA, 0.96 WHIP and 47/3 K/BB over the past month. It doesn’t have to be the Dodgers, he’ll take a San Diego summer at this point.

Byron Buxton – 3-for-3, 3 runs, HR (21). Buxton beast mode blasted! He really turned into one of the best players in the sport like we all thought he would 10 years ago. We are never wrong just sometimes supremely late. The home run was Lord Byron’s sixth in the past month and 56th since last March. Simply put he’s one of the best power hitters in the sport, babe, you sure you want to leave that behind, Joe?

Royce Lewis – 2-for-3, HR (5), 2 RBI. Rock and Rolls Royce! No one moonshots like Royce Lewis moonshots, let me tell you. He’s hitting .364 (8-for-22) since being recalled with two home runs and three multi-hit games. Yeah, I’m thinking he’s back! At least until he gets hurt.

Kody Clemens – 1-for-3, HR (10), 3 RBI. BUY Rocket for Dad! Father’s day is coming! Don’t laugh, sometimes even more important than skill and nepotism is opportunity, and Kody cleanup has got plenty of that and has not squandered it with a .802 OPS! He’s slashing .303/.324/.667 in June with four homers. I know, I couldn’t believe it either!

Alec Burleson – 1-for-4, 2 runs, HR (12), 2 RBI. Few hotter hitters in all the land than Burly Son Alec, his fourth straight game with a home run! If Jordan Walker did this I might have an aneurism and stroke out into a state of euphoric bliss to live out the rest of my days in a pleasure induced coma. Doesn’t sound so bad actually.

Shane McClanahan – 4.0 IP, 8 hits, 4 ER, BB, 7 K, 4th L. McClanahanahahnahan was actually better than the line looks, but you certainly expect more from the matchup. Still, I’ll take the seven Ks and the 34% CSW. He was pulled with just 74 pitches and had Mr. Manager Cash let him go another inning 5.1 IP, 9 hits, 4 ER, 2 BB, 8 K seems a lot easier to swallow, right?

Landon Roupp – 4.2 IP, 4 hits, 4 ER, 2 BB, 5 K. Came so close to starting him in this matchup, love the park, love the control, but I saw the Cubs woke up Thursday night and put up 8 runs so stopped myself. That was pretty good intuition I had that one time!

Javier Assad – 6.0 IP, 3 hits, BB, 5 K. Seriously who is even starting for this Cubs rotation these days? And they’re still over .500? That’s some pretty decent Mr. Managing I will say. What’s Rich Hill up to?

Michael Busch – 1-for-3, HR (8). This is the Busch Red Apple dinger and here’s another guy I own everywhere and it’s depressing to see him at just eight home runs but it’s his second this week and he’s got a six game hitting streak. Burning Busch is on fire! Nowhere to go but up!

Bryce Eldridge – 3-for-4, HR (5). The power hitting rookie we all loved and then decided we didn’t love so much anymore then decided we loved again is hitting close to .400 in the past week with three homers including this Bryce Bomb. This one came in the bottom of the ninth with the game basically out of reach but it was his third straight game with a home run, and second of those with a ninth inning homer. Sample small is as small as his home park is large but the .959 OPS has got me writing Mrs. Bryce Eldridge in cursive on all of my notebooks. I’ve run out of tokens to create AI generated images of what our kids will look like. If he’s still out there in your league grab him before the hype ball lands in McCovey Cove.

Gage Jump – 5.0 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, BB, 6 K. Against my better judgement I streamed him in this matchup 2000 leagues above the sea I thought, “might as well Jump.” David Lee Roth was onto something for sure. Considering he was playing in a ballpark on the moon if the moon was 100 degrees and had strippers and black jack this was a pretty encouraging start for the rook slash budding Ace. He pitched five scoreless before exiting in the sixth inning and the bullpen immediately surrendered a home run allowing his two inherited runners to score. How the three earned runs gets charged to the guy who didn’t give up the homer is beyond me but hey that’s showbiz, baby! His ERA “jumped” to 3.05 after the start and it’s going to be a bit hard to gauge Gage considering his home park but he still has yet to allow a home run through 23.1 innings pitched and I’m all in. He gets the Bucs next week and my Jump to conclusions mat says Jump is gonna be a star. Ha-cha-cha!

Shea Langeliers – 1-for-5, HR (18). One, two, three, one, two, three, drink. One, two, three, one, two, three, DING! The Vegas launching pad gives new meaning to Sia loving the swing of Shea Langelierrrrrs, of Shea Langelierrrrrsss!

Nick Kurtz – 2-for-5, HR (16). There is something incredibly satisfying about The Big Amish in Vegas, maybe it’s the juxtaposition, but it’s most likely the Kurtzy bombs. That one traveled 471 feet all the way to the Sphere and back. I’m playing Kurtz in head to head league and unclear if I’m going to survive this week in Vegas. He’s hitting .320 with 5 home runs, 7 RBI and a steal in the past week. He was just the player of the month of May after hitting five total homers. He’s at six already this month and eight in the past two weeks! People laughed at me when I drafted him sixth overall but who’s laughing now!? No one! People seem scared and uneasy by my behavior to be honest. He’s not even done yet, there’s two games left in Vegas and Big Amish’s smorgasbord is just getting started!

Hogan Harris – 1.0 IP, 2 K, SV (6). You know something, brutha, Hogan, he’s the A’s closer. It’s absolute Hulkamania, brutha. He’s also their best lefty so he’s going to do that sometimes, too, but he should probably be owned before he goes wild on youuuuuuuu.

Cole Carrigg – 1-for-3, HR (2), 3 RBI. So much rookie nookie this week to gush over. Who do I BUY!? His second homer in as many days and he’s now got more jacks than fellow BUY Braden Montgomery so it seems we can end this who’s better debate once and for all? To be real, King Cole will be hard to judge since he’s only played baseball in anti-G environments so far but once he gets out of Vegas and Colorado we’ll be able to see what we got here!

Colt Emerson – 1-for-4, HR (5), 2 RBI. Colt heard I like rookies with p0rn star names who hit home runs and had to get in on the action. Action wink wink. It would be nice if he wasn’t batting ninth but with Big Dumper set to return I don’t see that happening any time soon.

Dominic Canzone – 2-for-4, HR (10), 3 RBI. Josh Naylor also homered (10). Another BUY! Besides having a name straight out of the Sopranos, Dom Canzone’s baseball savant page is redder than grandma’s Sunday gravy, and he’s hitting .409 in the past week with three spicy meatballs including this one. Fuggedaboutit! Someone’s upset Italy’s not in the World Cup!

James Wood – 2-for-4, HR (19). I would try to knock on Wood but would be left speechless. This is the only Wood Knock. He leads the league in runs, top five in OBP and his fWAR trails only Bobby Witt and Yordan Alvarez. I would literally die for this man.

Dylan Crews – 1-for-3, HR (3), hitting.189/.241/.324. I really hope the Nats are rewarded for their patience with this guy. I guess they’ve got nothing to lose but more games.

Bryce Miller – 8.0 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, 7 K, 3rd win, ERA at 1.54. He’s only been back a month and already looks like the staff Ace. And for the M’s that’s saying much! Gerrit Cole, Carlos Rodon, Zack Wheeler and Bryce Miller. Injured pitchers, cuh, it’s the way to go. Pro stratz. Just wait until I activate Bieber and Hunter Greene.

Spencer Strider – 3.0 IP, 6 hits, 7 ER, BB, 3 K, 3 HR. Left the game with shoulder and elbow soreness and set to get an MRI. Shoulder AND elbow in case you had any shred of hope left he’d be pitching in the next few weeks and not heading directly to the IL.

Bo Bichette – 2-for-3, 2 HR (8), 6 RBI. Juan Soto also homered (15). One of these was a grand salami and Bo’s third homer in two games. Is he back back? I feel like he did this last month, too. Boba Chette loved the Mandalorian and Grogu and thinks movies should be fun and cute and not all bogged down by things like “dialogue” and “plot.” Also, swole Jabba the Hutt third traps!? Yes, please!

Matt Olson – 1-for-5, HR (20). There were a total of 39 total home runs last night so I’m sorry this post is so long but you know Allahson was one of them. He’ll never get to 40, but maybe this year! Also, you know summer is officially here when I’m stressed out tracking all the Friday night home runs for the round up. Hot bat summer, baby! How can people not be romantic about baseball, Fat Jonah Hill?

Tatsuya Imai – 0.2 IP, 4 hits, 5 ER, BB, K, ERA at 6.43. He did start the first with a nine run lead and still couldn’t get the job done. He had three straight solid starts before this clunker. Imai opinion he’s not worth the risk.

Jac Caglianone – 0-for-5, 3 K. Yeesh that streak was short lived. The Royals scored 8 runs with 13 hits, but at least he didn’t get pinch hit for by Starling Marte like Vinnie Pasquatino!

Brice Matthews – 1-for-1, pinch HR (5). Christian Walker also homered (17). This was one wild game! The Stros put up a 9 piece on KC in the first and it took them eight innings but the Royals roared back to make it 9-8 in the ninth inning. Thankfully, Brice Matthews ended their hopes and their suffering.

Nolan McLean – 4.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, 4 BB, 6 K. Tough matchup and not at his best for sure, but New Yorkers are now even more insufferable and impossible to impress after OG Anunoby, Jalen Brunson and Taylor Swift gave them the greatest comeback in NBA Finals history.

Yordan Alvarez – 3-for-5, 2 HR (24), 6 RBI. Two home runs, dot, dot, dot…in the first inning! The second slam of which was of the grand variety. He leads all of baseball with 24 bombs and no other American Leaguer is really close. He’s also second in the AL in batting average with .321, second in OBP (.433), first in SLG (.656), first in fWAR and his first place 1.092 OPS is making other OPSs feel bad and inadequate. He’s not Big Amish or Big Wood, he doesn’t Schwarbomb or have a sub-1.50 ERA like Ohtani and his team is terrible but he looks like the MVP front runner to me. He’s slashing .444/.535/.806  with four homers and a 1.340 OPS in June and we’re not even halfway through the month. Simply put, he’s the best slugger in the game right now and we can always take solace in the fact that the Dodgers traded him for Josh Fields.

Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!