You Dansby Serious?!?

Cubs got three touchdowns yesterday and a safety off the Padres. Speaking of which, our fantasy football content is beginning to start rocking and/or rolling, or maybe that’s rumbling and tumbling. Look at Grey pretending to know anything about football! Stop me if you’ve heard this before Dansby Swanson–stopped. Sorry, that’s it! Don’t say anymore! I can’t take hearing anymore about this guy who did zero up until last Tuesday, when I said he was droppable. Yesterday, he went 3-for-5, 4 runs, 8 RBIs with his 14th, 15th and 16th homer. Gonna try something real quick…Ya know, I’m thinking Vlad Jr. is droppable in some leagues…Okay, now go off! Anything? Hmm, hold on, one more…Sorry, but Tatis and Machado are waiver wire fodder…Anything? Ugh! Dansby Swanson, what kind of nonsense is this? Did you start doing PEDs at approximately 4 PM ET last Tuesday? What an absolute ludicrous run. First 70 games, seven homers. Last 12 games, nine homers, but people truly tell me there’s no such thing as a hot and cold player. Swanson went from one of the worst hitters in baseball to an all-time stretch. He has 26 RBIs in 10 games. Only other players to do that are Joe D., Jimmie Foxx, Lou Gehrig and Mel Ott. Stop me if–Dansby Swanson! Stopped! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (19) and legs (21). Being on the verge of 20/20 on the 1st day of July, while hitting .287? I absolutely mea culpa as I genuflect in his direction. That’s just impressive. I kinda wonder who accomplished 20/20 earliest in the season, but I don’t have the strength to do a stat finder. Only guy I searched was Acuña’s 2023 40/70 season and he accomplished 20/20 on June 30th, so not much earlier than PCA.

Seiya Suzuki – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Seiya ball! Also, in this game, Michael Conforto (3-for-4, 4 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 6th and 7th homer, and Michael Busch (2-for-6, 2 runs) hit his 11th homer. If this is the wind blowing out and the new bouncy ball? Sign me up for Busch! Hey now! Give me Seiya! Bye-bye! Conforto–Okay, won’t go that far, but maybe he’s a hot schmotato.

Walker Buehler – 4 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 4.61. Buehler…[Ben Stein gives up nine runs]…Buehler?

Sung-Mun Song – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Sung-Mun Song is the first Neil Diamond song to hit a home run.

Will Vest – Placed on the IL with an elbow issue. Will Vest about to be Will 401K.

Kevin McGonigle – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. A’la a movie police chief, “McGonigle!”

Troy Melton – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.05. Starters in Yankee Stadium is the new “Starters in Arlington.”

Will Warren – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.73. Streamonator liked this start, and hates his next one, and I think that’s where we are with Warren until further notice.

Amed Rosario – 1-for-5 and his 9th homer. Tatis and Vlad Jr.’s struggles have been long-documented, and I want to drown in those documents when I see Amed Rosario has nine homers.

Reynaldo Lopez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.31. Admittedly, I’m a sucker for this guy, but I started picking him up in leagues prior to this game even being over. In the rotation, which he is, ReyLo can be a number three starter for a month or two.

Ozzie Albies – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. The lack of steals (one on the year) has brought down his overall fantasy value. Seems like nothing, but 25 homers this year with two steals is a lot different than 25 homers and 12 steals. Greedy on his bounce back. Yeah, so? What are you, his over-protective cousin, Guillermo? Leave me alone, Gill!

Michael McGreevy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.12. 2nd start in a row the Cards’ meh starters have delivered and now that I look at the Braves’ recent game log, wow, stream starters vs. the Braves.

Trea Turner – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. When I said to Sell Treat Urner, someone commented, who would buy him? Well, he heard that person. Not me!

Brandon Marsh – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer, and third homer in three games. Marsh is about to enter the top 20 on the Player Rater. The top 20 overall!

Alec Bohm – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .223. Bohm’s mother celebrated Alec reaching double digits in homers by staging his home for a sale he didn’t know about.

Zack Wheeler – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.36. The ball be bouncier than following the lyrics at karaoke.

Paul Skenes – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.62. I truly appreciate people twisting themselves into pretzels trying to explain how Skenes was still a good draft pick. Would prefer Cinnabon, but pretzels it is! Oh, and someone is thinking, “Wow, you forgive Wheeler but not Skenes, you’re handsome but dumb.” Yeah, Wheeler’s ADP was 200 overall and Skenes’s was 12!

Henry Davis – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in five games. Hendry!

Cedric Mullins – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Junior Caminero – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, 6th straight games with a home run. If it wasn’t for Dansby, Juco Loco would be the talko of the towno. We haven’t even dug up Dale Long to follow Caminero around we’ve been so distracted!

Shane McClanahan – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Pitch around Witt and throw 71-MPH eephusses. Sorry, was just me game planning how I could even get out the Royals.

Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.20. “Did someone say 4.20?!” That’s Cody Bellinger.

Noelvi Marte – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Before he got to 2nd base on his home run trot, Francona went to the home plate ump with a new lineup card, asking Marte to be removed from the game.

Andrew Abbott – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.88. His ERA has been vaguely okay. His WHIP? Awful! His Ks? Awful! His home park? Awful!

Shane Drohan – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.12. This is considered a “bad” start for Brewers starters.

Aaron Ashby – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.16 and his 11th win. Oh eff off.

Mickey Moniak – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Sorta similar to Albies. Wish Moniak was stealing more (1 steal). The difference between Moniak’s 25-homer pace with two steals and 10 steals is dramatic. Yes, I’m trying to speak it into existence. It’s The Secret.

Hunter Goodman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, and hit .250 in June with 13 homers. Cal Raleigh was drafted in the top 20 in some leagues.

Kyle Karros – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer, and hitting .258. Karros vs. Clemens, this Home Run Derby, it’s about the Nepos!

Brent Rooker – Will have season-ending knee surgery. If this happened in April, I would’ve broke down in tears, but now I’m hardened over like a callous that Lodolo can’t grow on his blisters. I haven’t really had Rooker all year, so what’s three more months without him.

Shea Langeliers – 2-for-5 and his 20th homer, hitting .265. Thank you, Mr. Bangeliers, may I have another?

Jonah Heim – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Hit ’em with the Heim!

Will Smith – Dodgers announced Will, uh, will be out through the All-Star Break. Yeah, no kidding. Dodgers are on a cycle of seven stars play at a time. Once Smith returns, Yamamoto, Freeman or Pages will be out for three weeks.

Matt Chapman – Hit the IL with an ab strain. That’s why I *pinkie to mouth* abstrain from doing sit-ups.

Trevor McDonald – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.42. Just dropped him in an NL-Only league for Dennis Santana. Don’t ask. A’la Richie from The Bear, “Don’t ask!” Forget it, I have to be like a shark and keep moving forward and McDonald had a farm and a 5.31 ERA in the minors in 142 1/3 IP last year.

Victor Bericoto – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and third homer in the week. From a shark to…”…Bericoto!” sung like Barracuda.

Heliot Ramos – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, and 2nd time this week I’m saying something like he’s rosterable in all mixed leagues. And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Zac Gallen – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.36. I don’t know how it happened, but Gallen become one of, if not the, worst pitchers in baseball. Patrick Corbin is out-pitching him. By a lot!

Josh Bell – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Josh Bell’s videographer, “Should I send your home run clips to the Marlins? They have been winning, maybe they’re buying.” In a turtleneck, Josh Bell stares off into the mid-distance and finally says, “Send to every team.”

Luke Keaschall – 1-for-2, 3 runs and his 3rd homer. Honestly, forgot he existed. People were convinced Keaschall would be a star. Also, they thought that of Royce Lewis, Alex Kirilloff, Matt Wallner, Swayer Gipson–Hey, how we feeling about Walker Jenkins?

Kody Clemens – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, third homer in the week. If I were the Twins, I’d be selling Clemens too. There’s a chance Jeffers returns to a lineup where he has to bat nine times in different disguises.

Taj Bradley – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Taj Ma-I-like-Ks. Watched a lot of this start, and some of those hits weren’t scorchers, but just-out-of-the-reachers. (Sorry, there was a sale on hyphens.) Bradley’s underlying numbers say he should be rostered in most shallow leagues, but the command makes it very likely he could have blowups like Otto in Airplane!.

Tatsuya Imai – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.14. Starting Imai is like the scene in The Deer Hunter when they’re playing Russian roulette.

Corey Seager – Hit the IL with a bad back. He sounds like someone who’s about to get a $300 million, ten-year deal from the Rockies.

MacKenzie Gore – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.31. I talk a lot about regrets, but I will say one of my biggest blessings is staying away from this schmohawk in every league. He goes into Cleveland to face one of the worst lineups currently in baseball and gets Gore’d.

Joey Cantillo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Whatever was ailing Gavin Williams last year (terrible command), well, I think Gavin sneezed on Cantillo.

David Fry – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. A Fry fly!

Austin Hedges – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Not sure if you saw but the other day Hedges got into a screaming match with Josh Naylor, saying to him no one likes him, which is just such a funny dig if you’re 12 years old. It’s also incredibly hilarious since Hedges is on a team with Bo Naylor, his brother. I am cackling. Then, I guess the childproof cap was open on Josh Naylor’s transgressions so Stone Garrett said, and this is insane and hilarious:

Okay, I still like Josh Naylor. I’m sorry!

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— Razzball (@razzball.bsky.social) June 29, 2026 at 8:00 PM

Dean Kremer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.18. I saw his ERA and I looked at the guys who I have on my teams, then back at Kremer, then back at my pitchers, then I forgot what I was doing and went for lunch. Streamonator kinda liked this start, and that seems fine for Kremer.

Leody Taveras – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (10), hitting .248. Couldn’t help but see hitting behind Leody was Jackson Holliday (0-for-2, 1 run), who is hitting .196. He was supposed to be the best prospect in decades!

Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-2 and his 3rd homer. They should have a Home Run Derby where it’s the biggest muscle-bound guy like O’Neill vs. Nasim Nunez, who is listed as “127 pounds soaking wet.”

Ryan Helsley – Was unavailable, and seen grabbing at his elbow. Ah, cool, cool. [Tommen falling out the window] I’d lean Yennier Cano, but it could be Rico Garcia or even Tyler Wells or Andrew Kittredge.

Noah Schultz – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.86, as he was activated from the IL. Seems still not right, but [looking at his season-long stats] he hasn’t been right all year. Or maybe that is right and we’re wrong. Whoa.

Sam Antonacci – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. He hit .318 in June with three homers and three steals. Anyone wanna guess where that landed him on the 30-day Player Rater? Same as Carson Benge. It was 50th overall. Not sure what I was building towards here. The big reveal is he was solid? Wow! Is it wow? Who cares? Let’s move on.

James Wood – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. He has a 50% HardHit%. Wood, indeed.

Andres Chaparro – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and a home run. He’s the Nats’ replacement for LuisGarcia Jr. vs. lefties. You know, LuGaJu, one of the top hitters of June. So, what do you think Chaparro has done this year? Give it a guess! He hits third and replaces one of the top hitters! Yesterday was his 1st home run of the season and he’s hitting .170.

Nasim Nunez – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. His homer would’ve been a home run in 30 of 30 other parks if he had Tyler O’Neill’s muscles.

Payton Tolle – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.39. This was actually a tough matchup. Do not underestimate the Nats’ lineup. Even when they sit LuGaJu and CJ Abrams.

Freddy Peralta – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.81. I said to avoid him this year. This was no great feat by me. Anyone with half a brain told you to avoid him this year, so that brings me to my question: Mets’ GM David Stearns has how much of a brain? 45%? 30%? 1%? Number not presented in the choices?

Carson Benge – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .259, as he hits leadoff. Fun fact! Benge is a dog’s name.

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .216, and his 2nd homer in three games. Mets’ owner Steve Cohen confirmed rumors that Lindor and Soto hated each other last year. Rather than reconciling their differences, they just got all Mets fans to hate them this year.

Sean Keys – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st major league homer. Only three behind Vlad Jr.! And Myles Straw (1-for-1, 3 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer. One off the Vlad Jr. pace!

George Springer – Hit the paternity list. You follow these players for so long, and you know when they’re “old” for baseball players, then they go on paternity list and you’re like, “That old fart is having a baby? Oh, wait, he’s only 36 years old.”