Nats Ironically Address Their Maddening, Do Little Bullpen

Matt Grace picked up his 2nd save in as many games on Saturday for the Nationals, and Ben Zobrist’s wife started to work on a song titled, “Saving Grace,” and requested Ben’s trade to Washington.  Then, first thing on Sunday, the Nats traded for Ryan Madson and Sean Doolittle, and Saving Grace became a B-side for “Halleberrylujah, A Catwoman Licks Herself (Rated PG).”  When asked if the trade makes his team better, the Nats’ GM said, “That’s right,” and, “I’m Mike Rizzo.”  Picture this:  Dusty and Rizzo looking at a book called, “Baseball Strategy.”  Rizzo looks at Dusty, and Dusty says, “I got the baseball part,” and Rizzo nods his head.  Finally, Rizzo chimes in, “I don’t know the 2nd word and I don’t think it’s worth investigating.”  Dusty agrees, and that’s the Nationals.  So, who will close between Madson and Doolittle?  Your guess = my guess.  I’d want to say Madson, but it could be either, both or neither as they trade for David Robertson or someone else.  By the time the calendar turns to August, the Nationals might have five closers from teams not in the pennant chase.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Tanner Roark – 6 IP, 0 ER (3 unearned), 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.98.  Staked to a huge early lead, Mr. Roark cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a stay at the W, waving to tourists arriving at Fantasy Baseball Island.

Daniel Murphy – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homers, hitting .348.  ‘Member the people who didn’t believe in Murphy?  Bunch of jackasses!  Like a Pre-All-Star Break Grey.

Anthony Rendon – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, and his third homer in two games.  Rendon said he wasn’t angry when he finished third in the Final Vote for the All-Star Game.  Apparently, he hits well when he’s denying his anger.

Homer Bailey – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 10.13.  Bailey has a better chance of hypnotizing the entire league into thinking a high ERA is better than a low ERA than actually having a low ERA.

Michael Pineda – Seeking a second opinion on his torn UCL.  If he asks a doctor for the 2nd opinion, this will likely lead to Tommy John surgery.  If Pineda asks a major league hitter for the 2nd opinion, this could lead to Pineda pitching through it.

CC Sabathia – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.54.  To put five walks to three strikeouts in terms you understand, “This party is a sausage fest, easy five guys to every three women.”  “That ratio doesn’t sound bad.”  “Yes, but the three women are lesbians.”  I.e., it’s not Si Si Sabathia.

David Price – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.39.  Damn, someone is rounding into form like a mid-21st century Sandoval.  That sounds like a negative, but a mid-21st century Sandoval was one of the most roundly formed specimens.  Not a pointy angle to be found.

Stephen Piscotty – Hit the DL with a groin strain.  Piscotty doesn’t—Oh, who cares?!  Where’s Harrison Bader?  Call him up, you godforsaken Cardinals organization!  Why do the Cards call up young pitching prospects so readily, but they drag their heels on hitting prospects?  Fo’reallies.

Magneuris Sierra – 4-for-4, 1 run and his 2nd steal.  But what about Bader?!  Sierra’s okay for steals, but will likely platoon, call him SAGNOFeuris.

Lance Lynn – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.40.  I think Kendrick said it best when he said, “I’m downin’ this D’USSÉ with my boo bae tastes like Kool-Aid for the analysts.”  According to Genius.com, that means cognac tastes the same as a 99-cent pack of Kool-Aid.  Just as Lynn, with his 3.40 ERA, tastes like an ace.

Brett Cecil – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his 5th blown save, though his first one after the manager gave him a vote of confidence as his new closer.  Yo, Matheny, your vote of confidence is polluted!  If I were speculating here, I’d grab Trevor Rosenthal and Cecil, in that order.  Oh seems, well, Oh-ver.

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.54.  A) 3.54 would be leading some fantasy leagues this year with how bad pitching is, so he should be owned.  B)  In 28 1/3 IP, he has a 1.59 ERA and 0.92 WHIP with 32 Ks on my team  C) There’s no C.  D) Didn’t you just say CC wasn’t ownable with a 3.54 ERA?  E) Yo, D, eat a D.

Aaron Altherr – Headed to the DL and Cesar Hernandez will be activated to replace him.  Or as they say of Cesar’s return in Latin America, carpe diem.

Nick Williams – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in the last four games.  I wanna say schmotato, but he needs to get out of the eight hole.  He should too, since the middle of the Phils’ order is Nava damn thing.

Jimmy Nelson – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.27.  Swear to Giancarlo, I looked up the ERA league leaders to see if Nelson was in the top five.  He’s not, he’s eighth.

Johnny Cueto – Hit the 10-day DL with blisters, and goodbye.  I didn’t love putting him in the top 100 for the 2nd half, but he had an opening matchup vs. the Padres and he couldn’t be this bad and…goodbye.  I dropped him on Saturday, and I only wish I moved on from him about three months sooner.

Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.18, as he was activated from the DL.  Let’s hope he leaves the dirt bikes to teenagers who look like they’ve never showered and child actors with nothing to do.  Frankie Muniz — dirt bikes; Bumgarner — no dirt bikes.  Clear?

Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.86.  Samard&*$#@! it was the Padres!  *lifts bowling ball, drops bowling ball on foot*  I still only feel the pain from Samard&*$#@!  The cleanup hitter was catcher, Hector Sanchez, who is hitting .191, and you let him hit a three-run homer off you?!  Samard&*$#@!

Brandon Belt – Scratched yesterday with a sprained wrist.  He hurt his wrist on a check swing.  Not to be confused with a Czech Swing, which is dance that involves high kicks and cheekbones.

Trevor Cahill – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.14.  Want a good laugh?  Look at Cahill’s road/away splits.  Hodgepadre by any other name would not make my toots smell as sweet, or as the French say ‘toot sweet.’

Avisail Garcia – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homers, hitting .313.  The White Sox said Avisail is off the trade market, and Avisail said, “Aw, c’mon!  Please!”

Kyle Seager – 2-for-5 and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  If Seager’s going to get to his usual 27 homers, and there’s nothing that says he won’t, he has a ton of homers still left in his bat.

Danny Valencia – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .271.  Has done nothing of recent — Malfrenquencia? — but this could be the start of something.

Alex Cobb – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.59.  *looking at league average for ERAs, looking at Cobb’s ERA*  So, Cobb is basically an ace this year too.  “But Sabathia wasn’t with a 3.54 ERA?!”  Please, leave me alone, Inner Monologue.

Logan Morrison – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  I wonder if Gary Sanchez knows Morrison is competing against him in a 2nd half Home Run Derby.

Chris Archer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 3.91 vs. Parker Bridwell – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.18.  This matchup of Archer vs. Bridwell sounds like it was penned by George R. R. Martin, but, if that were the case, it would never end.

Danny Espinosa – Designated for assignment.  His assignment is to try to board a plane with his beard.

Trevor Bauer – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.59.  It’s a bad week to quit sniffing glue, but I must’ve been sniffing glue to start Bauer.  Hmm, I’ve painted myself into a logic corner.

Sean Manaea – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.68.  Feels like this guy is going to go this route next year:  in March, people will be like, “Do you think Manaea can break out?”  And I’ll be like, “He broke out already last year.”

Cole Hamels – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.05 vs. Danny Duffy – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.51.  This was a matchup of two guys who are owned by the guy who’s winning your league with a bunch of schmohawks, which keeps making you scratch your head, saying, “But these pitchers aren’t that good.”

Alex Claudio – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.59, and his 3rd save on Saturday.  Who’s the closer in Texas?  Everyone, “Jose Leclerc.”  Who has the most saves in Texas in the last two weeks?  “Oh, yeah, Claudio, but he’s not the closer.”  A’la Jay Z in The Story of O.J., “Okay.”

Mike Napoli – 2-for-4 and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer this weekend.  Hot schmotato alert!

Kevin Gausman – *uck Showalter says demoting Gausman is a possibility.  Since Gausman has a 6.39 ERA, the Orioles would be setting a dangerous precedent by demoting someone due to a poor ERA.  They’d have to demote their entire starting staff.

Wade Miley – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, and Gausman is the one performing badly.  Hahahahahaha.  Oh, Jesus Christ Ramirez.

Zach Britton – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.93.  Could resume closer duties any day now.  While Britton’s waiting to regain the role, he’s keeping a stiff upper lip.

Jake Arrieta – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.17.  On one hand, the start was in Camden, so that could be tough.  On the other hand, three walks and three Ks really isn’t that great.  On a third hand that is actually Hamburger Helper, this is Arrieta and you’re making excuses for him to have a 4.17 ERA.

Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.20.  Speaking of 420, Quintana’s NL-Only FAAB price just got real high.  Could a trade to a team in the pennant race change Quintana’s mindset and performance?  P to the erhaps.  I also think there’s just as much a chance he goes out and has his usual 3.50-ish ERA.  My gut tells me people are overestimating his new value.  Though, I did just eat Mexican.

Kris Bryant – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .277.  This was his 2nd straight game with three hits, and suddenly all Cubs fans are now like, “We’re gonna repeat!”  Cubs fans do more 180’s than fidget spinners.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer.  HR to the Rizzo!

Willson Contreras – 4-for-5, 1 run, hitting .278.  Now seven for his last ten, and a home run on Friday.  Find someone who looks at you like major league hitters look at Orioles pitchers.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs as he was activated from the DL.  Soon, the Rockies will also get back David Dahl, and, at that point, they’ll have to decide if they want to play without a catcher and instead four outfielders.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs, and his 18th homer, hitting .305.  It’s extremely susceptible to weather, but if you want to check out the Shroud of Turin I purchased on eBay, I left it by the window sill–NOOOOOOO!!!  Torenado!!!

DJ LeMahieu – 4-for-6, 3 runs and his 5th steal.  He’s hitting .315, which is 6th in the NL, so it feels silly to say this, but I bet you could buy low on LeMahieu.

Mark Reynolds – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .287.  The memo going around the Rockies’ clubhouse reads, “If you don’t get at least four hits in a game, you could be benched.  Or if you ever say anything bad about Todd Helton.”

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .337.  Parra definitely received the memo.

Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .320.  Chazz Noir likely didn’t need to read the memo, but he did spray some of his cologne on it, so others would think of him when they read it.

Yoenis Cespedes – Expected back Monday from a sore hip.  When a guy has hundred legs, there’s bound to be a lot of problems with his lower half.

Steven Matz – 1 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.58.  This start was so bad the Blind Boys Of Alabama winced, and they sung “Way Down In The Hole,” so they know depressing, and THEY’RE BLIND!

Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Which Cabrera has been more valuable this year:  Asdrubal or Miggy?  Okay, but you had to think about it, and, on our Player Rater, they’re closer than they should ever be.

Lucas Duda – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .243.  Usually when he hits one home run, he follows it up with another soon after.  I understand ‘soon after’ is super subjective here.

Jose Urena – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.93.  The Regression Fairies usually have dotted their eyes by this point in the season.  That’s the Urban Dictionary ‘dotting of the eyes’ I’m referring to, by the by.

Adrian Gonzalez – Took 40 swings off a tee on Friday.  Since he should be retired, it’s good to see him practicing his golf game.

Alex Wood – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.56, moving his record to 11-0.  Okay, serious question, he starts seven more times, gets seven more wins, ends the season 18-0 with a sub-2 ERA, and can he not win the Cy Young?  Is there a way he does not win it?

Rich Hill – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.55.  It’s not exactly like he can’t go deeper in games, but, when you throw 94 pitches through five innings, you have no chance of that.

Justin Turner – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .374.  He doesn’t quite qualify for the batting title yet, but he will get there if he can avoid injuries, i.e., You can’t catch him, he’s the Gingerbeard Man!

Cody Bellinger – 0-for-3 but hit for the cycle on Saturday.

This Cody Bellinger shizz is crazy. When I hit for the cycle at 22 it was a single tequila, a double vodka, a triple Jager and a four bagger

— Razzball (@Razzball) July 16, 2017

Francisco Liriano – 2 IP, 5 ER, but left the game with neck soreness.  That’ll happen watching each pitch you throw get knocked back the other way.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .233.  Hard to imagine you can find anyone else that gives power and absolutely nothing else.  Wait, that’s exactly what you can find.  My b.

Justin Smoak – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .290.  The most remarkable part of Smoak’s season:  none of his peripherals are saying he should regress.

Michael Fulmer – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.06.  His Ks aren’t great, his xFIP is over 4 and his BABIP shows luck.  Basically, he’s having a year that is giving the Fangraphs Database the middle finger.

J.D. Martinez – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and a slam (16) and legs (2).  I heard a rumor that Just Dong might get traded to the Rockies, and I fainted with a handkerchief to my forehead.  Toxicology reports showed a high level of dong.

Zack Godley – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.09.  That’s fairly terrestrial.

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.33.  I streamed him without the blessing of the Stream-o-Nator, but I’d go back to SON’s outlook for his next start.

Matt Adams – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer, hitting .291.  That was his 2nd home run in the past four games, one from before the break.  Adams does have admittedly more impressive before and after’s of late.

Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 2.99.   I get it, this start was vs. the Astros and they’re, how do I say this, good.  Also, Ervin’s peripherals are saying there’s a bit more than Magic happening here.  But…again with some stank…BUT Ervin is available in my 12-team mixed league.  Okay, that’s slightly insane.

Bartolo Colon – After being cut by the Braves, he will make his Twins’ debut on Tuesday.  I think someone in the Twins’ front office confused “looks ready for the Twins” with “looks ready to give birth to twins.”

Byron Buxton – Hit the DL with a strained groin.  Perfect for this jerk-off.

Mike Fiers – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.75.  Another guy I streamed due to the Stream-o-Nator, and would throw back to the waiver wire.  Shorty, let me tell you about my only vice.  It has to do with not a lot of starters who I’m loving and they ain’t nothing nice.

Dallas Keuchel – Will begin a rehab assignment today.  In my ‘pert RCL league, Malamoney offered me a trade of Keuchel for Sam Dyson, and I nearly drove my car off a cliff on the PCH into a ravine of cacti and hippies to accept the trade, but he traded Keuchel away in a different deal prior to me accepting.  Stupid Cougs and her All-Star break road trips!