What do we say to the devil? Not today, devil. But they say, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know.” And devil’s in the details. So, for the last five months, Giancarlo Stanton (1-for-3) was the devil I didn’t know any details about, but yesterday we said, “Today, devil,” so where does that leave us? In hell still, as the Yankees said they will baby Stanton, sending him out for only a few at-bats. Yo, are you Arthriticarlo Stanton? Should’ve never held him all year, but his thighs are so beautiful and well-lotioned in bed! Sorry, was reading a well-tailored-to-me fortune cookie. I suppose if Stanton’s out there, you can add him, and play him, but a few at-bats here and there doesn’t exactly instill confidence. Hopefully, by the time 2020 rolls around, Giancarlo will be less Arthriticarlo and more the Giancarlo I’ve pasted to my pillow. And that’s not Elmer’s Glue. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Happy Labor Day, everyone! Today, we celebrate all of those mothers who are in labor giving birth to us, so put your legs up, grunt real hard and scream at a loved one that they are a “bastard” or a “weasel-d*cked moron who isn’t even the real father.” You’ve earned this day, male or female, though I’m not sure how men earned a Labor Day. Do I have this celebration right? Any hoo! People acting like Justin Verlander‘s 3rd no-hitter was stamping his ticket to Cooperstown are hilarious. He was a lock for the Hall of Fame when he posed nude in the mirror with Kate Upton. Yesterday’s butter: 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 walk, 14 Ks, ERA at 2.56 is just another example of the legacy of one of the greatest pitchers ever. Everyone should stop to watch a Verlander game. That’s a ‘stop to smell the roses’ request because you deserve something as glorious as seeing Verlander throw a baseball. This is a request for you to live your life, not like you’re in labor with your feet in stirrups, but like your feet are on the ground and you’re reaching for the stars. Okay, now I’m just misquoting Casey Kasem. For 2020 and beyond, Verlander is an ace until he shows he no longer is, and I’m thankful for every one of his pitches that I’ve never owned on a fantasy team (eff me). Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Commissioner Rob Manfred was recently seen at a yard sale looking at the stitching on a crocheted dress when he remarked, “The stitching seems kinda loose.” From there, he picked up his grandkids and they asked if they could watch Lilo & Stitch and Manfred wrinkled his nose and said, “Stitch is a genetic experiment who escaped from an alien planet, which is a loose contrivance. Wouldn’t you like to see something with tight stitches? Like 12 homers in one game?” Later in his evening, Manfred tossed and turned in his bed, asking Womanfred, “I can count with my back all 500 threads in this linen. We need tighter stitching!” So, with Manfred on a quest for the tightest stitching possible, we also have more dongs than the Houston 500. First, Matt Adams went 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with his 19th homer. Mean’s while, Ryan Zimmerman has a Chia pet growing on his foot. Next, Victor Robles (2-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 16th homer, hitting over .500 in the last week. This was only his third homer since the break, and hitting .260-ish in that time. Would’ve loved to see him get a legit shot at the two hole — hey now! — but he hasn’t truly earned it. Next next, Juan Soto (2-for-5) popped two tops of Sexy Dr. Pepper (27, 28) and he’s 20 years old. In 2020, he’ll be 21 and will be a 70-homer hitter by the time he’s 27. You can hold me to that, assuming you forget. Next next next, Brian Dozier (3-for-4, 4 RBIs) hit his 18th and 19th homers, and he doesn’t even start every game. Just your average 2019 part-time middle infidel who gets 25 homers. Next next next next, Anthony Rendon (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 27th homer and he’s three RBIs from 100. Feels like RBIs are down this year. Maybe because no one’s on base and everyone’s just hitting home runs. That reason feels galaxy brain-ish. Next next next next next, Adam Eaton (2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 10th. What’s Eaton eating? Tightly-wound baseballs. Just ask Womanfred, she’s sick of hearing it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Can you imagine Marcus Stroman’s reaction?
“You’ve been traded.”
“Awesome! I’m going to a contender!”
“You might want to sit down.”
— Razzball (@Razzball) July 28, 2019
Oh, Marcus Stroman. You poor, poor soul. Can we take bets on how hard the Mets tried to include Mickey Callaway in the deal? It is so Mets to suddenly think of themselves as contenders. Blue Jays to Pirates, “Thank you for making the Mets believe again.” We’ll see how much Stroman enjoys throwing ground ball pitches with that defense behind him. Amed Rosario plays balls two feet to his left into a diving try. Honestly, I wouldn’t be shocked if this move leads to the Mets trading away Wheeler and Syndergaard, as they change their rotation vs. thinking Stroman is some catalyst. He has a 7.2 K/9, 2.5 BB/9 and 3.52 FIP, so he’s not bad. A bit yawnstipating, but in the NL out of the AL East makes me a buyer of Stroman vs. ignoring him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jordan Hicks sounds headed for Tommy John surgery with a torn UCL. This sucks; don’t get me wrong, but it’s amazing all the people shocked by this news just because the Cardinals said on Sunday it wasn’t serious. I wish I could be that uncynical. I wish I could see the birds chirping and not a bird nagging another bird to take out the trash, or see the flowers and not think, “I wonder who’s buried under there,” but alas…So, with Jordan Hicks out for the next 14-18 months, who will close? Carlos Martinez has the makings of a two-inning closer, I guess, but, man or five women, it seems super dumb to continue Carlos Martinez down the closer route. Don’t they want him to start again at some point? John Gant’s been great until he defecated the sheet out of my fantasy bed on Sunday. He might still get some looks. Then there’s wild cards, Andrew Miller (if he were great like years past; he’s no brainer) and Tyler Webb, who is only in discussion because he got one save look the game where Hicks was hurt. I’d go C-Mart and Gant at 55% vs. 42% chance and everyone else at 3%. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Seeing Zac Gallen called up and I’m reminded of me doing karaoke. Picture, if you will, the song Tequila playing and me just holding a mic, dancing. Now imagine I’m surrounded by multiple Mickey Rourkes feeding strawberries to multiple Kim Basingers, because this scene is filled with eroticism like you’ve never witnessed before. It’s taboo filled with self-sacrifice, transgression is in the air while being dominated by a song with only one word. I’m alive for the first time! Now, watch Gallen get trounced by the sissy AF Cardinals. Okay, I’ve been telling you to pick up Gallen for about a month. On our Prospectonator, he’s the 4th best rookie pitcher, which translates to him possibly being the rookie pitcher of the year. Think Chris Paddack. Fo’realsies. Prospect Mike just gave you his Zac Gallen fantasy, and I’d just go there and read that to find out what kind of pitcher he is, because that’s what I did. He had lefties hitting .127 off him? I mean, are you kidding? Seriously, is this a joke? Do you want me to faint while I am entertaining a room full of drunk people with Tequila? Do you?! I didn’t think so. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Going forward in order to lighten up this depressing article, I’ll be adding gifs that correspond to each player and their injury! That’s gif with the hardest G in the world. That G needs to start deep in your throat and then explode with force. Pause. Sorry for being so GGGGraphic!Please, blog, may I have some more?
We gonna talk about Lil’ Wayne’s favorite baseball player, “Franmil mil mil mil mil…mil mil, a mil.” Much to chagrin of the former Padres’ outfielder and Missy Elliott’s favorite player, “Matt Sczrczrczr,” or as she would say, “nac uoy eveileb eh saw reve a gniht Sczrczrczr my skizzard.” Franmil Reyes looks like a cross between Kyle Blanks and a vending machine that dispenses steaks. “Damn, I thought this was the crappy hot chocolate vending machine and now I just got charged $54 for a T-bone.” That’s someone getting a vending machine steak. Yesterday, Franmil Reyes did what he’s been known/capable of — blasting two, loud $54 vending machine T-bones into orbit, ending the night 3-for-4 with his 7th and 8th homer. He’s now on pace for 40 homers. Greek chorus, “Who isn’t?!” Okay, GC, but Franmil can get to 40 homers, unlike, say, Tommy La Stella. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
There’s nothing quite like the mid-season grind and we’re in the thick of it at this point. Something I’m looking forward to this week is all of the players returning from the IL. While that doesn’t necessarily impact our streamers, it is something to keep an eye on when constructing lineups. In terms of streamers, we need to keep track of the weather. There is rain forecasted all over the country in the midst of spring and it could definitely alter some of these starts. With that in mind, let’s get started with some two-start streamers.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jordan Lyles was exceptional Friday night capturing his second win of the year going six strong innings allowing just four hits, a walk and striking out six. He now leads the league with a 0.53 ERA. Mazel tov, Jordan, and happy Pesach! Well, someone clearly did not observe the High Sabbath last night. He had better things to do, busy mowing down the San Francisco hitters. So is the Bucs pitching coach Ray Searage is a miracle worker or a Three Eyed Raven or some kind of warg magic man?? The Pirates pitching staff now boasts a league best 2.54 ERA. But back to Jordan. Lyles has now struck out 16 over his past two starts and holds some real pretty ratios like that league leading 0.53 ERA and a 0.88 WHIP with an 19/5 K/BB. Yes, more please. Put that on your seder plate. After the all star break last year, Lyles started relying more on a combination of his curve ball and 4-seam fastball and benefited from this greatly posting a 3.00 ERA with hitters batting just .213 against him. His curve ball, in particular, can be pretty nasty when its on and when he’s mixing in the 4-seamer effectively Jordan has looked like a dominant pitcher. Seems like he’s brought this strategy with him to Pittsburgh and things with Searage have clicked. He had his outing shortened Friday after taking a line drive off the hand but the injury does not appear to be serious and he is expected to make his next start Wednesday versus Arizona. Lyles is available in over 75% of fantasy leagues and worth your streaming consideration at the very least. He’s starting to look like a steal for Pittsburgh, and he seems like a real mensch you may not want to Pass over!
Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:Please, blog, may I have some more?