Commissioner Rob Manfred was recently seen at a yard sale looking at the stitching on a crocheted dress when he remarked, “The stitching seems kinda loose.” From there, he picked up his grandkids and they asked if they could watch Lilo & Stitch and Manfred wrinkled his nose and said, “Stitch is a genetic experiment who escaped from an alien planet, which is a loose contrivance. Wouldn’t you like to see something with tight stitches? Like 12 homers in one game?” Later in his evening, Manfred tossed and turned in his bed, asking Womanfred, “I can count with my back all 500 threads in this linen. We need tighter stitching!” So, with Manfred on a quest for the tightest stitching possible, we also have more dongs than the Houston 500. First, Matt Adams went 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with his 19th homer. Mean’s while, Ryan Zimmerman has a Chia pet growing on his foot. Next, Victor Robles (2-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 16th homer, hitting over .500 in the last week. This was only his third homer since the break, and hitting .260-ish in that time. Would’ve loved to see him get a legit shot at the two hole — hey now! — but he hasn’t truly earned it. Next next, Juan Soto (2-for-5) popped two tops of Sexy Dr. Pepper (27, 28) and he’s 20 years old. In 2020, he’ll be 21 and will be a 70-homer hitter by the time he’s 27. You can hold me to that, assuming you forget. Next next next, Brian Dozier (3-for-4, 4 RBIs) hit his 18th and 19th homers, and he doesn’t even start every game. Just your average 2019 part-time middle infidel who gets 25 homers. Next next next next, Anthony Rendon (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 27th homer and he’s three RBIs from 100. Feels like RBIs are down this year. Maybe because no one’s on base and everyone’s just hitting home runs. That reason feels galaxy brain-ish. Next next next next next, Adam Eaton (2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 10th. What’s Eaton eating? Tightly-wound baseballs. Just ask Womanfred, she’s sick of hearing it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Sean Doolittle – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.33, and ERA in the last month, like, a bazillion. Earlier in the week, Doolittle told a radio station that he’s pitching too often and wearing down. Later in the week, Doolittle said to the Nats’ manager, “Hey, did you hear what I said to that radio station?” Then Doolittle said, “Here, let me play back to you what I said to a radio station.” Then, after that, Doolittle said, “Stop covering your ears, I want you to hear this.” Finally, he went on the IL on Sunday. I’d stash Daniel Hudson, Hunter Strickland, then Fernando Rodney, in that order, but it could be any of them.
Mike Moustakas – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 29th and 30th homer. Moister-asskiss!
Ben Gamel – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Bad news is he doesn’t play every day. Good news is Gamelitis, the disorder that causes a player to get hurt right when they’re breaking out, is a recessive gene that only affected his brother, Mat.
Chase Anderson – 2 1/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 4.54. *seeing you started Anderson in one league, insert Moe from The Simpsons wearing a ‘No funeral’ sign*
CC Sabathia – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.01, as he was activated from the IL. He missed time with a chronic knee strain. That’s the worst kind of cannabis strain.
Oscar Mercado – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (10) and double legs (10, 11), hitting .285. And we’re going back in on Mercado! This is like when you get to the car and you realize all you bought was five bags of Doritos and no hard seltzer. Gots to go back in!
Mike Clevinger – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.11. 2020 storyline in 2019: Do you draft Clevinger or Bieber first?
Jon Lester – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.23. Lester fixed his yips with throwing to first, so I guess he’s now giving out free passes every night at the park, i.e. Gratis Night without the Yips.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .258. One of these years we’ll get a six-month hot streak from Conforto, because I do think he can be a top 20 bat in all of baseball if he can avoid those death valleys. Maybe he needs Mo’java.
Pete Alonso – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 40th homer, hitting .271. Albombso! Albombso set an NL-rookie home run record. Why do I think I won’t be able to get him for $12 next year in an NL-Only league?
Mike Foltynewicz – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at–Wait, I’ll let you guess. Go ahead, because you’re the one that wants to own him. Guess his ERA. I’ll give you a hint, it’s over six. Faultywheeeeeewitz!
Ender Inciarte – IL with strained hamstring. He’s droppable in most leagues, since he will likely be out a while. Braves brought Adam Duvall back from the minors a day after they optioned him down. Adam Duvall, The Wart That Grows in Georgia. You’d think they’d be able to file him away being so close to Emory.
Rafael Ortega – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. He hit a grand slam off Dustin May (that hurt) after Ortega was moved to center for the benched-for-not-hustling Acuña, which hurt in other ways. Acuña was chastised because he didn’t run out a deep drive off the fence, which appeared to be a home run. Max Fried, who had doubled the at-bat prior, was standing on 2nd watching it too, but Snitker pulls his most dynamic player in the middle of a pennant race for a life lesson. Only wish Adam Duvall, who entered the game, cost the Braves the game. We’ll see if Acuña has any more blowback. Hopefully, Snitker’s satisfied.
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 42nd homer. Thought MLB retired that number. Don’t make me woke all over the place.
Tommy Edman – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (5) and legs (8), and hitting near-.315 in the last week while hitting leadoff. More like Leadman! No? Okay. He has been hot schmotato’ing with very little power or speed.
Joey Votto – Hit the IL with a sore back due to being old. He hopes to be less old in ten days. Interesting strategy, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off.
Alex Wood – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.92. Hey, you gave Wood a chance. Nope, not talking about when you were experimenting in college. I mean, Alex. Don’t think it’s working for you, and I’d likely lose him in most mixed leagues.
Dinelson Lamet – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.95. Might have to let up a little on the brakes. Dinelson is waxing off the whack on the road in tough ballparks. He goes home for his next start and the Streamonator loves it. It’s against the Sawx, but I’m not too concerned about them in Petco.
Joey Lucchesi – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.20. But the Phils have Charlie Manuel jibbering-jabbering in their ear! Still don’t trust Joey Lucchesi of the Lasagna Crime Family in away games, but this was encouraging.
Luis Urias – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. But we wrote him off after his 1st 100 major league at-bats. I don’t care that he’s only 22. Once you’re written off, that’s it. Sorry. *two seconds later* Okay, maybe we’ll give him another chance.
Scott Oberg – Hit the IL and his year is done with blood clots in his arm. Eek, that doesn’t sound good. Neither does the Rockies’ bullpen. This was one of those cases where I heard the news, went to my waiver wire, saw who I guessed would replace him (Wade Davis), and left him there. Oberg was decent since he took over and had 2 saves and a 9.00 ERA in three weeks. It’s not worth the ulcer to grab Wade Davis (0 IP, 3 ER, 6.81 ERA, and the blown save yesterday), and I’d guess Carlos Estevez (oh…kay), Bryan Shaw (terrible) or Jake McGee (blech) could see saves too.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 29th and 30th homer. My patent for a bigger spoon just for ice cream just went through. This is my million dollar invention! Just going to rest my patent on this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!
Ryne Stanek – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save, ERA at 3.88. Think this was the 1st post-Romo save opportunity for the Marlins, and it went about as well as you’d think from someone whose name is one letter from stank.
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-5 and a slam (20) and legs (9). The Seoul Train is remarkably consistent year after year, and always underappreciated by yours truly, too.
Kyle Seager – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and 6th homer in ten games. His schmotato is scalding ghostriding a lightning of fire emojis.
Yusei Kikuchi – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.19. Do you ever read Yusei’s name and start singing Lisa Loeb? “Yusei…I only hear what I want to, and Yusei I talk all the time so…Why don’t Yusei?” Well, if you didn’t before, I hope you do now. Yesterday, Yusei was touching 94.7 MPH on his fastball, which is up two miles from previous starts, so that’s good. His peripherals are still garbage your pet raccoon brings home — 6.9 K/9, 2.9 B/9, 5.71 FIP. At this point in the year, I’m just looking at him for possible sleeper-tude in 2020.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. HR to the Izzo!
Nicholas Castellanos – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer on the Cubs and who knows how many altogether why don’t box scores aggregate across leagues? This drives me nuts! There’s interleague! Carry stats over!
Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 6.08, as he was activated from the IL. And did not miss one beat! Looking as good as he looked when he didn’t look good.
Starling Marte – 3-for-4 and a slam (21) and legs (22), hitting .292. Impressive season by Marte as it appears he hasn’t fallen off the age cliff yet. He is looking over it, watching Lorenzo Cain plummet down the side.
Logan Webb – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks in his 1st career start. Nearly wrote his name as Logan Allen. Silly me. Logan Allen is the pitcher who sounds like a furniture store; Logan Webb is a 1998 startup. If you click Webb’s name, you see his projections. For a rookie, they’re not that bad. He’s had a roller coaster of a pro ball career so far. Not sofa, that’s Allen again. Webb had Tommy John surgery a few years ago, then broke out a bit last year with a 97 MPH hoo-ha, but came back this year and was busted with PEDs. Finally, he returned and flashed 95 MPH giddy up and a change that drops off the table, which helped produce a great ground ball rate. Great park, solid stuff and I’m intrigued. Prolly just deeper mixed leagues at this point, but can cyclops for shallower.
Wilmer Flores – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer in the last five games, hitting near-.550 in the last week. He’s the hottest schmotato in the schmotato land. Pick him up, or he’ll cry.
Chris Sale – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. Oh…*walks across Europe*…kay. Guess he’s done for the year. The Red Sox conversation with Sale went like this: “We’re not making the playoffs.” “Ya think?” “Are you asking or are you being facetious?” “Does it matter?” “Probably not. Rest yourself for next year.” “Ya mean you don’t want to say I’m the new closer?” “Okay, that was funny.” “I think I need to see Dr. James Andrews.” “To sell the charade of the elbow injury?” “Um, yeah, that’s the ticket.”
Eduardo Rodriguez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Okay, let’s see it again against a Major League team.
Nathan Eovaldi – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.69. Okay, let’s see it again against a minor league team.
Rafael Devers – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .332. Can’t fight the Devers!
Sam Travis – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, and 4th homer in the last nine games, hitting near-.400 in the last week. You know who’s extremely happy about Travis’s hot hitting? The Sons of Sam Travis.
Renato Nunez – 1-for4-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 27th homer. Basically, doing what you wanted from Khris Davis, but how devalued are homers this year, you ask while curling a strand of hair around your index finger. Nunez is around a top 150 player. Solid for his price, but also pretty whatever for shallower leagues.
Eloy Jimenez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .243, and 4th homer in nine games. Or as Bill Walton would say, “Eloy is a combination of all the metals melted into the perfect bottomless vape pen.”
Griffin Canning – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.58. Streamonator loved this start yesterday; I, how’sever, don’t love Canning. Not about being a fresh produce guy necessarily, I just don’t trust Canning.
Matt Thaiss – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. He had one hit in the last week, so maybe this is the start of something, but he has not been Hott Thaiss.
Matt Boyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.24. So clearly a fantastic pitcher when he limits homers (none yesterday). Keep Snafu Boyd at bay, and he could join Turnbull as guys I’m heavily cyclops’ing for 2020.
Tommy Pham – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and his 2nd home run since he appeared to be done for the year with a broken hand. On Opening Day next year, the Rays should make it a rite of passage to run Pham’s hand over with the bullpen cart.
Ryan Yarbrough – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.34. Since June 14th, Yarbrough’s ERA is 1.43. *gets my black book, picks up telephone, dials seven digits, waits, finally…* “Yo, this is Grey baby! Are you down with it?” Wish I grabbed Yarbrough in every league I was in, but I have him in one and he’s making me a dog in heat, and a freak without warning.