Seeing Zac Gallen called up and I’m reminded of me doing karaoke. Picture, if you will, the song Tequila playing and me just holding a mic, dancing. Now imagine I’m surrounded by multiple Mickey Rourkes feeding strawberries to multiple Kim Basingers, because this scene is filled with eroticism like you’ve never witnessed before. It’s taboo filled with self-sacrifice, transgression is in the air while being dominated by a song with only one word. I’m alive for the first time! Now, watch Gallen get trounced by the sissy AF Cardinals. Okay, I’ve been telling you to pick up Gallen for about a month. On our Prospectonator, he’s the 4th best rookie pitcher, which translates to him possibly being the rookie pitcher of the year. Think Chris Paddack. Fo’realsies. Prospect Mike just gave you his Zac Gallen fantasy, and I’d just go there and read that to find out what kind of pitcher he is, because that’s what I did. He had lefties hitting .127 off him? I mean, are you kidding? Seriously, is this a joke? Do you want me to faint while I am entertaining a room full of drunk people with Tequila? Do you?! I didn’t think so. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Pablo Lopez – Hit the IL with shoulder issues, so he’s a drop in almost all leagues and this means Gallen has a long leash and I’m still talking about Gallen AHHH!!! By the by, this is the first time Marlins have had two ledes in two days on Razzball since Jeff Conine was a hot schmotato and Dontrelle Willis was flaunting his flat-billed pitchypus.
Daniel Poncedeleon – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.20. Ele oh n Ed Ecnop Leinad because everything’s backwards. Poncedeleon is rejuvenated from a fountain of lies! A 1.20 ERA? Are you serious? He has a 4.8 BB/9, so that’s gonna change, but the Ks are up (9.6) and he’s not as bad as he’s been in the past. I’m cyclops’ing, but this was vs. the MIA Marlins, so I’m not overly optimistic.
Jose Altuve – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m sorry for changing the brochures Karen brought in to ‘Planet Fatness.'”
Michael Brantley – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 1st home run since May 11th. You on May 10th, “Brantley can hit 30 homers!” You now, “Well, he’s still hitting for a decent average.”
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, and 3rd homer in five games. When Puig lets one fly!
Tyler Mahle – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.17. T. Mahle giving the Astros indigestion. Guess that makes them the–DON’T SAY IT GOD DAMN IT–Gasstros. YOU JUST HAD TO. Sorry, Al Caps. Streamonator hates Mahle’s next start, but I’m a bit more interested. His peripherals are kinda purdy.
Chris Taylor – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer, hitting .235. Might be surprising to hear that Taylor has seven homers and this was his first good game all year, but I gotta surprise ya.
Cody Bellinger – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .359. If he hits 50 homers and .350 this year, he’s going to lose the MVP award to Yelich. Maybe even to Travis Shaw. What? If he gets hot, I mean.
Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. I saw Yastrzemski in the box score and for a second I thought I was a time traveler. Then I saw the 18th century pantaloons I was wearing and knew for sure!
Rich Hill – I need you to sit down. C’mon, this is shocking news and you have to brace yourself. Rich Hill is injured. I know! Crazy! Julio Urias is starting today, but it was going to be a one-off thing. Now that Hill’s hurt, Urias might stay in the rotation. He’s worth a grab in deeper mixed leagues.
Scott Kingery – 2-for-8, 1 RBI and his 9th homer. Everything else aside, Kingery hit third on both sides of the doubleheader. Think what you want of the Phils, but that lineup is stacked, even without McCutchen, and Kingery’s hitting third? *low whistle indicating impressed*
Zach Eflin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at…Any guesses? Would you be surprised to learn it’s 3.82? You should, because it’s actually 2.83. Unless I’m dyslexic. By the by, how screwed up is it that dyslexic is one of the hardest words to spell? They couldn’t have called it BOB?
Patrick Corbin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.90. After his last few starts, it took gonads of steel for me to start him vs. Philly. I was repaid with a solid start, but now I can’t get through a security checkpoint.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.62. Mad Mask started the game with a broken nose and black eye. He looked like when you’re invited to a Halloween party late in the evening and you try to throw something together, but you’re not fully committed to the raccoon costume.
Brian Dozier – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, hitting .235. In last 30 days, Brian Dozier is hitting .275 with six homers. Truth be told, when I started “in last 30 days,” I did think he was going to have more exciting stats.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. These were Gerardo’s first hits in the last ten games. Even longer if you’re counting top 40 hits.
Victor Robles – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, hitting .236. “Listen, we can all sit here and memorialize Robles or we can slide him into the freezer and go get some beers–Hold on! Robles just moved! He’s alive!”
Steven Matz – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.28. Point: Only a few mistakes did him in. Counterpoint: His name may as well be Steven Matztakes because he’s always making them.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. When did I say he’d get injured by? Right after 17 homers? It’s gonna be tight, but I’m feeling good about it.
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer.
— Razzball (@Razzball) June 20, 2019
Josh Phegley – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .267. The All-Star Game should have a separate All-Star Game for all the guys who should suck but who are demolishing the juiced baseball. I’d say Tommy La Stella could be team captain, but he’s currently beating Altuve for the AL starting 2nd base job.
Domingo Santana – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .279. Been cold for a while, but, and I don’t want to sound like Domingo Stan-tana here, on the year he’s been fine, and he’s one hot streak away from 18 HRs and .285 before the All-Star Break. In the preseason, you would’ve taken that from him all day, and twice on Domingo.
Daniel Vogelbach – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .256. The Jelly Donut of Swat is Dunkin’ on opponents this year. In one league where I have JDS, I haven’t even considered dropping him all year (and I’m in 1st, so don’t be smart).
Marco Gonzales – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.38 vs. Brad Keller – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.45. This matchup was also an early 20th century matchup that left everyone feeling awkward when someone suggested a pool game and it went like this, “Marco….” “Keller!” “You’re supposed to say, ‘Polo.'” “No, I’m saying my name and I have no idea where you are.”
Mike Trout – 3-for-6, 7 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homer, hitting .299. Yeah, but how many sacrifice bunts does he have?!
Andrew Heaney – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.68. A start like that usually means he’s hurt, so hopefully he’s not. Unless this start makes you want to drop him, then you likely don’t care. If you can hold, Streamonator loves his next start, and, if he’s healthy, I could see a bounce back.
Justin Upton – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Upton the boogie!
Rowdy Tellez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. Member that Hall of Fame son guy who was supposed to play for the Jays? Whatever happened with him? No, not Lourdes Gurriel Jr. His dad, Yuli, isn’t a Hall of Famer. Think his name was Vlad.
Lucas Giolito – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.74. Okay, no one doesn’t not get hit never. Quadruple negatives makes it so! Just because Giolito was hit doesn’t mean the wheels have come off or that he’s become Zack Wheeler. Rest your mouse hand under your turkey neck and show some patience.
James McCann – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .330. If you were in a two-catcher league and drafted only McCanns, no one is laughing now that your last name is Widette.
Adbert Alzolay – Will be called up to follow Tyler Chatwood today, presumably to work as a Middler. In Triple-A, his numbers were 12.9 K/9, 1.7 BB/9, 3.49 xFIP, and 4.5 seconds from home to phone to pick him up. Kyle Hendricks has a shoulder impingement and I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Cubs go super slow bringing him back, think August/September. Until then, Alzolay can rack up 60 IP, 80 Ks and carve a statue of butter out of a giant hunk of butter. This has been a paid Adbertisement for Alzolay. “I approve this message.” I hope so, Alzolay, you paid for it.
Willson Contreras – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .293. Unlike the 1st base position, the catcher position has made a nice bounce back this year. All the better to sucker some schmohawks into drafting them next year.
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homers. Only two more to catch David Dull! Lowercase yay!
Roberto Perez – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. His ADP of, like, 760 bajillion doesn’t seem too bad anymore.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Asdrubal has settled into this 25-homer, .240 hitter that you’d think you’d have a lot of interest in, but, when everyone’s hitting 25 homers and .240, except Robinson Cano, the shine is kinda matte.
Kyle Gibson – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.18. He is so massively bleh that bleh just filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against Gibson for being more bleh than bleh.
Max Kepler – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I told you he was great (two years too early)!
Willians Astudillo – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer. This is neither here nor there, which is something you can’t usually say about Astudillo, but I hate calling players by their nickname that they want. You can’t choose your nickname. That’s a matter of fact. It’s why I veer away from using Thor whenever possible and La Tortuga is La Torstupid. Get off my lawn!
Eduardo Rodriguez – 7 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.71. Before game, “Okay, Ed-Rod, go out and be really bad or really good so I know what to do with you.” After game, “What the eff is 7 IP, 4 ER?!”
Brandon Dixon – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Since my Buy on him last week, Bra-Dix has been a fappening you need to get in on. Has three homers in the last week and…well, three homers!
Trevor Williams – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.12 as he was activated from the IL. As my Jewish grandmother would’ve said on an airline she didn’t like, TW-vey. I loved Williams last year — ask anyone! — don’t like him this year.
Starling Marte – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Fun fact! A little birdie that wandered into a supermarket in Boston was given the name Starling Market.
Yandy Diaz – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. It’s almost like lifting dozens of heavy dumbbells isn’t good for a guy’s stretching.
CC Sabathia – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.14. CC notched his 250th win. Not in this season, that would be a record. Though, there was some seasons where Walter Johnson did win, like, 100 games.
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .266. I kinda want him to hit 50 homers just so people draft him in the top 5 overall next year. Not only will it happen, but there will be lots of people ranking him there. Bet! Not literally because I don’t have money.
Gleyber Torres – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .283. Recently, it has come to my attention, through a text message from Cougs, that Yacht Rock has returned to XM radio for the summer. I am as thrilled about that as I am not thrilled about Gleyber.
DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal, hitting .315. Ever since people stopped reading newspapers, and specifically the USA Today sports section, I know no one has any idea who leads the league in random categories, but LeMahieu has the 2nd best AVG in the AL. Did not see that coming with him leaving Coors.
Chris Paddack – Will return for Saturday’s game. Damn it! You couldn’t wait until Monday, so I could get you back in my weekly lineup? That is some short shrift from the Sheriff!
Matt Strahm – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.85. Ugh, all our pets heads are falling off. Hard to recommend you hold Strahm after his last two starts, especially with this one in Petco.
Eric Hosmer – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .288. Catches me off guard still when I see someone’s stats who seem to be using a pre-2019 baseball. I’m farting in David Dull’s general direction.
Ryan Braun – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .266. Sir, this is an RB’s.
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .273. Imagine drafting Posey before Grandal. Not hard to imagine when you remember some ‘perts put Posey before him.
Zach Davies – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.06. Davies is still not as bad as N-O-L-A Nola, no no no no Nola.
Christian Yelich – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 27th homer, hitting .345. Haven’t been able to find the splits yet, but I think Yelich has the most meteoric rise post-sex tape since Kim Kardashian.