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What do we say to the devil? Not today, devil. But they say, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know.” And devil’s in the details. So, for the last five months, Giancarlo Stanton (1-for-3) was the devil I didn’t know any details about, but yesterday we said, “Today, devil,” so where does that leave us? In hell still, as the Yankees said they will baby Stanton, sending him out for only a few at-bats. Yo, are you Arthriticarlo Stanton? Should’ve never held him all year, but his thighs are so beautiful and well-lotioned in bed! Sorry, was reading a well-tailored-to-me fortune cookie. I suppose if Stanton’s out there, you can add him, and play him, but a few at-bats here and there doesn’t exactly instill confidence. Hopefully, by the time 2020 rolls around, Giancarlo will be less Arthriticarlo and more the Giancarlo I’ve pasted to my pillow. And that’s not Elmer’s Glue. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
CC Sabathia – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.99. He made his last regular season home start of his career. It was an emotional moment for CC. He told reporters after the game, “I’m not sure which team I’ll get on my Hall of Fame plaque, but I’m pretty sure the Yankees can outbid the Indians.” Touching stuff.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. So nice to see Judge rise to the challenge, and I’m hearsay’ing it!
Luis Rengifo – Out with a broken hamate bone. Matt Olson said, “Rub it on me!”
Sam Hilliard – 2-for-4 and two homers (3, 4). Gotta give Bud Black props for taking pressure off his rookie hitters, because no one could ever feel pressure when they’re only going to play once a week, whether they hit or not.
Jairo Diaz – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.50, and the ugly blown save, as he entered the game in the 8th for some mysterious reason. It was totally important for him to face the 6th and 7th man in the Mets’ lineup? A guy who was 1-for-the-series and the hitless Amed Rosario? That was who he had to face? Bud Black is giving me an ulcer.
Noah Syndergaard – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.22. Well, he can’t throw to Rene Rivera either. Next up, grab a catcher’s mitt, Jed Lowrie!
Pete Alonso – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 49th homer. Albombso!
Jeff McNeil – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 22nd homer. Serious question: In 2020, do you want McNeil or DJ LeMahieu? I don’t think it’s close, and it’s not the guy from the team in New York. Dot dot dot. Who plays 2nd base. Dot dot dot. For a team that spends money. Dot dot dot. Not on ponzi schemes.
Magneuris Sierra – 2-for-5 and his 3rd steal, leading off, and he has only 32 ABs. Far from a sexy name — you’re thinking of Magnum P.I. — but if you need steals, you could do worse.
Starlin Castro – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer. He’s the 13,187th player to hit 20 homers this season. Or as Snoop would say, “Thirteen thousand and a 1-8-7 on a juiced ball.”
Austin Dean – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and back-to-back solid games. That’s a small sample — which is what she said derisively! — but there’s not much time left and I could see a quick schmotato.
Mike Leake – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.38. Streamonator loved this start, but is lukewarm about his next one, or, is that, *pinkie to mouth* Leake-warm?
Christian Walker – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 26th homer, hitting .259. In the D-Backs’ lineup, it goes Christian Walker, then Lamb like some kind of incel shepherd. “I don’t have sex prior to marriage, which is why…” Body rocks the air, “I f*ck what ya herd.”
Joey Gallo – Rangers aren’t expecting Gallo back this year. Don’t worry, balls will be juiced next year like they’re at the Spearmint Rhino.
Yuli Gurriel – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. That gives the Astros three 30-homer guys for the 1st time since Jeff Bagwell, Richard Hidalgo and Moises Alou. As Moises might say, I’m going to pee myself.
Jose Altuve – 1-for-4 and his 29th homer. Altuve picked it up in the 2nd half, it helps that his 2nd half is only two feet off the ground for ease of picking it up.
Gerrit Cole – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.61. He’s only the 18th pitcher since 1900 to reach 300 strikeouts. “Would’ve looked a lot better as 300 ground outs to 2nd base.” That’s Ray Searage. Ya know, Cole wasn’t cheap this year, but he was a relative bargain compared to where he’s gonna go next year. Welcome to the top 15 overall in most people’s rankings. (Top 10? Won’t be me, can’t even think straight about it.)
Dylan Bundy – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.89. Streamonator‘s liked Bundy in some home matchups here and there (this was one), but, tee bee aitch, I think you might be slightly loose in the coconut if you’re starting him.
Jonathan Villar – 3-for-6, 3 runs and a slam (23) and legs (36), and 2nd homer in as many games. Half of me (the Lily Tomlin half) thinks I could write another Villar sleeper post this year like I did last and it would be fairly accurate. People don’t want in on the O’s and I get it.
Anthony Santander – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Fun fact! My mom calls Santana — “Santander.” The mangled-pronunciation apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Randal Grichuk – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 30th homer, and his 4th homer in three games and 5th homer in five games. You can try to find a hotter schmotato, but, after a few moments, you’ll just wonder why you’re bothering and pick up Grichuk anyway.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (32) and legs (14). Have made fun of the Phils’ deal to get Harper a lot this year, but you can’t put a price on coming in only three games out of the final Wild Card. You can’t mostly because it’s an amorphous thing that doesn’t have a price tag.
Zach Eflin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.00. All starts now are about what team is the pitcher facing next and Eflin’s going to Wash, so it’s nice he respects cleanliness but no thank you.
Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .265. Did you see his grandfather, Carl, throw out the 1st pitch to Mike? Was something really special, and all I could think was I was glad it wasn’t Barry Zito and his grandfather.
Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.64. How bad is the Red Sox rotation? Samardzija would’ve been their ace.
David Price – Shut down for the year. From baseball. Fortnite is still on the table.
Rafael Devers – 1-for-3 and his 30th homer. Can’t fight the Devers!
Aaron Civale – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at–Guess. Go ahead. I’ll count it if you get within 0.25 of his ERA. You’ll never do it. I have faith in you. I’d leave my dog with you for an over-the-internet friend and pooch sleepover, but I still don’t think you can guess his ERA. I’ll give you a hint, it’s 1.82. Okay, bad hint.
Spencer Turnbull – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.66. Random Prediction Alert! You will pick up Turnbull next year when he strings together three good starts, then you will comment, “Grey, handsome sayer of soothes, what do you think of Turnbull?” And I’ll say maybe he’s breaking out, then he won’t break out. Or maybe that was this year.
Dinelson Lamet – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 3.84. Damn, Cousin Sweatpants, let out my drawstring, it’s getting tight in here! Can I draft Lamet as my number two starter in every 2020 league already? Please, just let me draft him now and I’ll fill out the rest of my team in March. On a related note regarding this year, we might want to discount how bad the Brewers are without Yelich, even at home.
Keston Hiura – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .303. Hiura got his groove back and I Taye Diggs it! Sorry if that caused you to throw your computer out the window. It’s a fair response.
Cody Bellinger – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 45th homer. Prolly the clear-cut NL MVP, but some time when you diddling around the internet, check out his 2nd half numbers. Let’s just say, he had a better 1st half. By a lot.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-5 and his 48th homer. Gonna be hilarious in 20 years when they talk about how 2019 was the year of the home run and Jorge Soler and Eugenio Suarez are gonna lead their leagues.
Willson Contreras – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer. I could’ve guessed Schwarber would hit another homer, which is why you shouldn’t guess.
Tom Murphy – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 18th homer. This was all the Mariners needed to down the Pirates. The Mariners vs. the Pirates *breathes in deeply* late-September baseball brought to you by who gives a f*ck.
Kyle Lewis – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer in eight games. Guys and five girls, Aristides Aquino who? Kyle Lewis has the Maas Appeal now and he’s not letting it go for one single second. Ya know, I wasn’t a huge Lewis fan — more into Martin; God, that guy can croon — but Podcaster Ralph was selling me on Lewis on yesterday’s podcast, and I trust Ralph. I mean, I handily beat him this year in our RCL, but still.
Homer Bailey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.55 vs. Danny Duffy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.30. Homer vs. The Duff Man but it left Moes-desi surprisingly empty. Not much of a peep from Mark Nelson Muntz Can-HA-HA until late in the game, while Sheldon Mill-Neuse was prank-calling with Bart about Semien.
Blake Treinen – Out for the season with a stress reaction on his back. Maybe his back drafted him in the 5th round this year and it was a delayed stress reaction. Be interesting to see if Treinen is even considered for the closer role next year. My guess is nope.
Max Scherzer – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.81. Not saying it should matter but there’s no chance Scherzer’s 2nd half plays any meaningful role in his 2020 ADP, right? He’ll just be drafted as a top three starter in every league like, “En bee dee, his 2nd half was bleh, but don’t care.”
Trea Turner – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and gets on base every game and doesn’t steal one gee-dee bag! What in the holy eff is going on with Treat Urner?! My teams need steals. Run, you motherfudger, run!
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.83. The Cardinals be doing some voodoo on the mound. Do the Cardinals even know every other pitcher in the league has a 5 ERA? Do they know what’s going on in the league? Do they practice black magic?! I got questions, y’all!
Tommy Edman – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .286. Who is this Tommy Edman? Well, I’m glad you asked. See, former Cardinals’ 2nd baseman Tommy Herr had a kid with a man named Jim, and Jim and Tommy fought over whose last name they were were going to give the kid. Neither would back down, but Jim was a slightly better player, so they decided to alter his name slightly, finally deciding to go with Tommy Edman. At that point, the die was cast and the legend was written. The Jim in question was Jim Edmonds.
