For Mother’s Day, all MLB players use pink bats. On Father’s Day, all bats should be painted to resemble penises. I try to convince MLB of this every year, and every year I’m met with awkward silence. Another Father’s Day, another year MLB didn’t take my suggestion for an, uh, equipment update. How about they use the pink bats again, but with hanging scrotum on the knobs? They could at least call all home runs on Father’s Day “dongs,” or if the player is over the age of 35, then they’re long balls. These are not big fixes I’m asking them to do. So, Edwin Encarnacion took his long balls (see?!) to the Yankees (unintentional pun, but still worthwhile). Turns out the Home Run Parrot on Edwin’s shoulder is a better agent than Kimbrel’s. “Polly want 15%.” This made me chuckle: reporters on Saturday suggesting the new potential Yankees’ lineup had Edwin Encarnacion penciled in as a question mark like he was some mystery-flavor Dum-Dum. It’s because Encarnacion doesn’t really make sense for the Yankees — is he the DH? (Voit? Judge? Stanton?) 1st base? (LeMahieu) — but they’ll find room for him since he was the AL leader in home runs. Clint Frazier was sent to the minors, as he awaits a trade; this will completely kill Gio Urshela’s value, and might hurt DJ LeMahieu’s, as well. With Giancarlo and Judge returning, Gardner’s about to become the 4th outfielder, Maybin’s gonna get DFA’d and Aaron Hicks better make sure he doesn’t slump or he’s going to be benched too. Of course, all of this becomes moot when Judge, Stanton and Edwin all get hurt this week. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Please see our player page for Mike Leake to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.
*blows dust off cover to the book, “Raimel Tapia, Fantasy Sleeper”* Just found this book on a shelf in this Colorado-area bookstore. “I think this is yours.” The bookstore owner holds up a copy of, “Josh Rutledge’s Fantasy Sleeper.” Haha, no, that’s not mine. “It says “Property of Grey Albright.” Can I just read from one of your other books in peace without paying for it? No wonder bookstores are all going out of business, you don’t leave your customers alone! Any hoo, as I was saying about Raimel Tapia, he was a 2015 Pick-to-Click, a 2016 Gotz-to-Getz-Him, a 2017 This-is-the-Year and a 2018 Absolute-Must-Own for a reason. He has 15-homer power and 25-steal speed who shouldn’t hurt you in average (think .270). The problem for so long has been the Rockies’ inability to kowtow to fantasy owners and play the sexy guys. Not unrelated, Garrett Hampson is due for everyday playing time in 2023. However, something interesting has happened recently — interesting is subjective but if you’re reading this I assume it applies — Ian Desmond has been getting benched regularly. Finally! If Tapia gets 5+ starts a week, he is a Pick-to-Click-Gotz-to-Getz-Him-This-is-the-Year-Absolute-Must-Own in all leagues. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
FML can mean many things, usually of the negative variety. Here at Razzball, though, we turn those frowns upside down and spew nothing but positivity, unless you submit rankings at you know where by you know whom. FML at Razzball is short for Fantasy Master Lothario, which is another name for the man, the myth, the legend, Grey Albright, our fearless leader. Too many acronyms and commas are making my head spin. Anyways, we are now branching out in the FML game: Frankie Montas Love.Please, blog, may I have some more?
For the Seattle Mariners, all is lost…
Well, well, well…..What in the ever-loving mother of the elder gods do we have here!!? Baseball is upon, guys/gals, and after taking a brief hiatus to give my absolute all to battling some forces that were severely limiting my effectiveness as a writer, I return to thee thirsty for battle, lusting for justice, soothsaying for savants, and fully equipped to do battle with any who shall oppose me in this art form of writing about the game we know and love; Fantasy Baseball. I have missed this so much, truly, I have. Sadly, you are not here to read about me and newfound love of life and everyone in it, but to discover sort of a basic understanding of what the Seattle Mariners are up to…..I will try to put it into words, which may prove difficult, being that I’m not allowed to drop F-bombs or post dick pics, but here’s a hint; IT’S ALL BAD!!!!! Like, it’s rotting badger carcass under your backseat bad, when whom you believe to be your dream girl blows up your bathroom after railing an eight-ball to the face bad, like, any Nicolas Cage movie from the last ten years bad, like, REALLY, REALLY, ASTRONOMICALLY PISS POOR!!!!!! Say one thing for the Seattle Mariners, say they are going absolutely going to be one one of the five worst teams in the sport this season.
Before I get started, did anyone read the Minnesota Twins preview? I was starting to blast the dude on Twitter for buying fake followers, only to realize he’s a professional wrestler!?!?!?! WHAT!?!?!?! Is this real? Can someone confirm? If so, it is with great honor that I accept this cohabitation of mannishness, and look forward to continuing the greatness of Razzball, thee premier site for fantasy baseball. Aaaaahkay, now let’s set it off in this MF.
I am Tehol Beddict and this is your Seattle Mariners team preview. TAKE HEED!
Check out our other team previews here!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Gary Sanchez went 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .184. As I’ve mentioned, I’m busy on the backend of the site doing year-end recaps for every position, and, yes, even the catchers, which will be released after the season ends. With that said, did good ol’ Gary have the worst season ever for a consensus number one at a position? Was it consensual? “Why ya gotta put the word sensual in consensual?” every man in 2018. By the by, was there a grabby hands discount coupon at GropeOn that I missed? Sanchez’s year makes Cervelli look like a first ballot Hall of Famer. And, if there’s ever a wing for concussions, I hope Cervelli’s CTE is one day in there. Sanchez might be the first person to ever achieve exactly half of his preseason projections. Even his batting average is about half of what was expected. For 2019, I could see him recovering, but I won’t be the one to draft him to find out. In other words, I’ll be bringing out major hedges with Sanchez, while drafting Austin Hedges. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Everyone is so sad at the Shohei Ohtani news that he needs Tommy John surgery. People being sad at this has me gobsmacked. He had elbow problems when he signed with the Angels, then a Grade 1 sprain of his UCL became a partial tear in June. He threw a whopping 25 IP the previous year. Were people really ostrich’ing their heads into the sand to the point where they didn’t see the writing on the wall? Of course, he needs Tommy John surgery. How is this awful news? It was awful news for Angels fans when we first heard of the elbow issues. It’s not awful news now. It’s actually great news because he has a chance to be healthy again in 2020, instead of becoming Garrett Richards, Tyler Skaggs, Matt Shoemaker and every other pitcher the Angels shoved towards PRP injections rather than getting them healthy. Did people really think pitching a guy was the answer to a torn UCL? Seriously, people thought this? Sad news that people are surprised by the least surprising thing since finding out taco diarrhea burns. This would be like a memo coming out of Nike headquarters that says something like, “This Kaepernick thing is great for business, who cares about the politics?” You mean a company is trying to sell products? Get out of here! You want seriously sad news? Ohtani and the Angels haven’t decided he will have Tommy John surgery yet. That’s sad! Maybe they’ll just let him be a hitter as he was yesterday (4-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and a double slam (17, 18) and legs (7) and mouth-to-mouth’d a baby chick back to life). A torn UCL hasn’t looked that good since LiAngelo Ball tried to get paid twice from selling one ripped jersey in China. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, the Mets exploded for 16 runs. Leading the way was Todd Frazier going 3-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs with a slam (12) and legs (7). Actually, Frazier, Jose Bautista (1-for-3, 1 RBI), Jose Reyes (2-for-5, 2 runs) and Austin Jackson (2-for-4, 2 runs) are all starting to click! Wait, that’s their bones and it’s from arthritis. Shoot, my b. The true star, however, Brandon Nimmo (5-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) rose from the depths of the deep, dark water. That’s not a Finding Nemo allusion. He plays in Flushing and we know what water is associated with that. Nimms — Can we call him that? Sure, right? — is hitting near .350 in the last week, and homered a few games ago (precise!). For most part, it’s been dank Nimms but he’s no longer unDeRWaTEr aND HitTinG WeLL. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Zack Greinke went 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal, hitting .300–Oops, sorry! The only pitcher whose hitting stats matter are Shohei Ohtani, because he can’t pitch anymore. That tracks logically. Has any site that made Ohtani a hitter and pitcher clarified why? Because there was public pressure to make him both? Because he was going to do both? Doesn’t every pitcher do both? Ohtani’s not going to throw more than 50 IP this year, which is, what, a quarter of a full season for a starter? That’s doing both? I know, I’m just being a hater, but it does feel like there was a double standard given to Ohtani without him actually doing anything, and he had 25 IP thrown dating back to 2016. Any hoo! Greinke! Yes, he was awesome again — 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.41. His peripherals are also one of the few pitchers who is doing well that could do better — 9.4 K/9, 1.7 BB/9, 3.35 xFIP. His velocity is down two miles per hour and I’d be lying if I said I was going after him hard, unless, of course, he’s eligible as a hitter. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Mets started Jerry “Mathers As The” Blevins yesterday (as a starter; not because the Mets are ‘bullpenning’ but because they are bullsh*tting), taking advantage of the Mets waving the white (person sitcom star) flag was everyone on the Dodgers. First up, Enrique Hernandez (3-for-6, 3 runs, hitting .232) as he hit his 11th and 12th homer in Metco. Or as Jesse Jackson would say, “Kike homered in Jaime town.” By the by, players who Hernandez has more homers than (this is gonna make you cry): Jose Abreu, Bregman, Dozier, Ozuna, Matt Chapman and Smoak, to name but a few. I’ve been rocking Enrique — sounds Enrisqué! — for the whole year in an NL-Only league, but he doesn’t play every day (unlike all those schmohawks he’s besting on power). Next up, Cody Bellinger (2-for-5, hitting .239) as he hit his 14th and 15th homer. I get the sense that people think Cody’s absolutely bombing out his sophomore year. Not close. He’s not repeating his great rookie year (yet), but he is top 75-ish on the Player Rater and could easily be top 30 on the year with one extended hot streak. Lastly, Max Muncy (2-for-5) hit his 15th homer, or as I like to call him, This Year’s Chris Taylor. Muncy is having a legitimate breakout, or the Dodgers are slowly poisoning Taylor to make Muncy look great for a case of Muncyhausen By Proxy. I think it’s the former, but a teamster smoking may not be the only one leaning on the latter. To buy Muncy’s breakout, you have to buy a near-30% HR/FB, but he is top 35 for exit velocity, top 10-ish for hard contact percentage, and 2nd for Barrels. What does all this mean? The breakout looks real and beautiful. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You’ve got to be realistic about these things: Stephen Strasburg isn’t the man we all dreamt he’d become. Absolutely, he’s become a very valuable pitcher and member of the invariably underachieving Washington Nationals, but alas, we expected career eliteness, Nicolas Cage in the 90’s level Eliteness. (Capital E for Emphasis.) Instead, we were given 2000’s Cage; Yes, Lord of War and Kick Ass were solid, but the rank stench of Bangkok Dangerous and Ghost Rider shall endure throughout the eternity of human existence. [Jay’s Note: But his hair sure achieved a lot in those two.]
We all recall Strasburg’s seven inning, 14 K performance in what was the most hyped debut in MLB history. Anything less than a first-ballot hall of fame career would be a massive disappointment after the mound mastery we saw displayed June 8th, of 2010. A little while later, as we all know, the dreaded Tommy John surgery was required and he just never became the man I desired him to be. Of course neither did I, but that’s a conversation for my therapist and I to have, but I suppose a botched penile enlargement surgery and Tommy John surgery have similar consequences (Jay, please look that up). [Jay’s Note: Risky Google of the day…] Every season, I would predict Strasburg to have his breakout season, and joining or surpassing the Clayton Kershaw’s and Justin Verlander’s of the world, only to be shamed by my colleagues, family and friends alike. It just never happened. The guy has TWO complete games in his CAREER. TWO COMPLETE GAMES!!!!!?!?!? How is that even possible?. I want to know how many times baby nuts has gone more than seven innings in his career since his debut. It’s one of the more insane stats I could ever imagine, and that’s without me even having a clue what the number is. I just know it’s extremely, mind numbingly low. So I suppose that is having a clue, but I’m not a detective, I’m Beddict the Elder and want JUSTICE!!!!! I could go on, but I’ll spare you the pain and self-loathing Strasburg has bestowed upon me over the last decade.
Last night, the former golden boy was taken to the woodshed and bent over a barrel and shown all 50 states by a lineup that features Pablo Sandoval, as he went a whopping two innings, and gave up three, before leaving with shoulder tightness. Here’s what I else I’ve found interesting around the MLB along with your Two Start Pitchers for the coming week!
Take Heed!Please, blog, may I have some more?