You know how you bought that prosthetic pierced nipple in college? Then, one day, you were at a strong-in-energy kegger and everyone was screaming for you to jump in the pool, but you knew there was a 99% chance your prosthetic pierced nipple would come off and everyone would know you’re a fraud? But you jumped in anyway, and your prosthetic pierced nipple floated away, but, to your surprise, everyone liked you still, without the prosthetic pierced nipple. Lucas Giolito is your tan-lined nipple without the prosthetic piercing. He may get hit around occasionally, he might not always get Ks, but, at the end of the day, Lucas Giolito (6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.42) is a great, bare-nippled pitcher.  His 11.3 K/9, 3.2 BB/9, 3.35 FIP tell me next year he’s going to be a sneaky top 15 starter in 2020, who is forgotten like a prosthetic pierced nipple. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Reynaldo Lopez – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.16. Don’t look now but ReyLo has an under-3 ERA in the 2nd half. Just trying to poke his head into our 2020 players to draft that bugger us. British definition of bugger.

Chris Bassitt – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Bassitt is mostly a MediaOAKer, but yesterday’s was an away game, and his next start is at home, but it’s not good. Tell em, T.I. “That’s no MediaOAKer.”

Matt Olson – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .257. That’s a good start, but we want more if Olson needs forgiveness for his last two weeks.

Derek Law – Got his 3rd save on Saturday as Ken Giles continues to work on a once-a-week schedule. Jays get, maybe, seven save opps the rest of the year and Giles is available for, maybe, three of them? I don’t know, homies, doesn’t sound very valuable. Giles has had more news reports of him not going on the IL than saves in the last two weeks.

Trent Thornton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.34. The Trent Thornton stream vs. the Yankees:  when you can’t juggle pins and you start juggling cleavers.

Masahiro Tanaka – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.64.  Tanaka’s ERA vs. the Red Sox:  4,000.00. Tanaka’s ERA against all other teams:  -2.10.

Andrew Heaney – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.89, as he was activated from the IL.  I love that Heaney took the mound this weekend, because I can yell, “Heaney hill,” and run around the house in women’s undergarments, but I don’t think there’s much here for this year, and wouldn’t even trust him with the Streamonator.

Kole Calhoun – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 26th homer, as he hit his 1st career homer in Fenway, and on Saturday Trout did the same. I won’t beat the same drum again about the schedules sucking, but Trout is not just now hitting a home run in Fenway because he doesn’t hit homers everywhere. Double negatives be ignored!

Andrew Cashner – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.83. If he was traded to the Astros, he’d be on his 24th inning of no-hit baseball. Cashner going to suck on the Sawx was one of the most predictable things to come out of that trade, so what if the Red Sox didn’t care? Seriously, what if they just made the move to make it seem like they were doing something, when, in reality, they were content with their 2018 World Series win and didn’t want to invest much in this club?

Christian Vazquez – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .281. For what its Werth, he’s been more valuable than Gary Sanchez this year.

Josh Bell – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers (28, 29). Josh Bell crawls out of a wardrobe box, spits out a moth ball, coughs then, “How’s things?”

Paul Goldschmidt – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (26) and legs (1), hitting .262. Au Shizz! Putting aside the batting average that has been on decline for over a year, Au Shizz’s steals have gone up and vanished. Him or Abreu in 2020? Okay, him, but barely.

Lane Thomas – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .364. When Lane Thomas is done knocking in runs, he’s outfitting plus-sized women. Hashtag blessed.

Jeff Samardzija – 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.55. I’ll never stop thinking about how I owned him last year. It’s appropriate that his last name looks like when a cartoon character curses.

Jake Arrieta – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.64. When I see Arrieta, I hear Alouette. That’s about as useful information as Arrieta is for fantasy.

Mike Soroka – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.32. “Hey, I wanna watch a RuPaul Drag Race marathon for five months.” That’s the Regression Fairies during every Soroka start and why they’re absent from the park.

Mark Melancon – 1/3 IP, 4 ER and might’ve had the quickest stint ever for a closer. Was named closer on Friday, and, on Saturday, he stood underneath a plane bathroom as it emptied. On Sunday, Luke Jackson (1 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits and the save) looked about as shaky as a stoner Shakespeare with the line readings in Henry The 1/8th. “Oreos, Oreos, wherefore art thou Oreos?”

Ender Inciarte – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (7), hitting .235. Ya know he’s doing all of this just for me and my 2020 rankings? Ya know this, right?

Ronald Acuna Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 33rd homer, hitting .298. Tildaddy embarrasses you by rapping Ice Cube’s Check Yo Self at your junior hockey tryouts.

Ian Happ – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .300, and that’s four homers in seven games. Hot schmotato alert; I picked him up and I’m only a little embarrassed to admit it.

Aristides Aquino – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and three homers on Saturday (5, 6, 7). He calls himself The Punisher, but I’m thinking of another superhero, Catwoman, because every time he hits, I’m screaming Halleberrylujah! He wants to be known as The Punisher; I’m cool with it, goodness snows; I love puns. But The Punisher seems so Reds hot that I need a dip in the ocean, because I’m having a seazure with each long ball. Send me a palming influence by conchtrast, dolphinitely. The Punisher makes me daisy, floral intents and purposes. Wait, our omsbudsman is saying cut out the puns. Whittle be okay; it’s just an old knives tale. I’ve told you to pick him up every day for the last week, and grabbed him myself last weekend:

Kenta Maeda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.12. I streamed him on Saturday, and dropped him on Sunday. That sounds like the beginning of female empowerment song. Speaking of which, Cougs and I saw Mary J. Blige on Saturday. As she sang I’m Going Down, all I could hear was myself at drafts saying I’m Going Dahl. I think I’m damaged.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.45. Legit cannot wait until he’s randomly IL’d again on Wednesday and he’s stuck in my weekly lineup like he was stuck on my bench for yesterday’s start.

Justin Turner – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homer. Tee bee aitch, Turner’s having a better season than I thought and often give him credit for.

Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 38th homer, hitting .317. He’s having a better season than anyone minus Yelich, and CY can’t get on the field because he has a back 40 years older than his baby face.

Will Smith – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .313. 2020’s #1 catcher? Won’t be ranked as it, but could easily be it. “It” is a strong word, said my English Comp teacher, sarcastically.

Adrian Houser – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.00.  Fun fact!  Another name for a sink is a Adrain Houser. In fairness, Houser does have a 94+ MPH fastball, 9.7 K/9 in just under 70 IP and a decent xFIP, but he has a homer problem which isn’t great in Miller. I’m not going in in (stutterer!) shallower leagues, but I would either look at his matchups or cyclops him in deeper leagues.

Jordan Lyles – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.71, and three straight solid games off the Pirates.  Paging Ray Searage, paging Ray Searage.

Mike Minor – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.90. When the Rangers are shopping Minor at this offseason’s Winter Meetings, they should act it out like Christopher Walken playing Russian roulette in The Deer Hunter.

Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-5, 1 run and three homers on Saturday (15, 16, 17), hitting .355. As of this writing, Yordan was just outside the top 10 on the 30-day Player Rater, and just outside the top 20 for next year.

Jonathan Villar – 3-for-4, 1 run and 2 steals (25, 26), hitting .271. He took one wonk-ass route to fantasy value, but if he gets to a 17/35 season, he’s going to easily be worth the draft price.

Rio Ruiz – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. The Rio runs through the schmotato patch! What, it’s a fertile land.

Edwin Diaz – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.60. Apparently, Mickey Callaway wants his career buried next to Edwin’s effectiveness. Not sure why they’d ever go to Diaz again. He is singlehandedly ruining the greatest comeback story in sports, the Mets. Michael Lewis starts writing about how Mr. Met is making love to Mrs. Met and birthing the Mets nine months later, then they ruin it with Edwin Diaz. They need to go to Seth Lugo.

Juan Soto – Sprained his ankle as he was rounding third base. I need us to form a prayer circle in the shape of a sexy soda can and bow our heads sensually.

Aaron Civale – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.00. Here’s what I said previously on him, “Civale looks like a 6.5 K/9, 2 BB/9, 4.25 ERA pitcher, which is whatever outside of AL-Only leagues. On the other hand (were we using hands?), Civale doesn’t throw with much velocity, which is my new ‘he throws with a lot of velocity,’ so I’m just gonna be a subtle cyclops.” And that’s me quoting me! I’ve now officially moved from cyclops to I’m picking him up in deeper leagues.

Greg Allen – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer.  Preseason sleeper alert!

Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.29. Not to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but he averaged 94.1 MPH from 2016-18 on his four-seamer, but is down to 92.1 in his last three starts. Insert squiggly-lipped emoji. “My name’s Mehphy.”  Sorry, squiggly-lipped emoji. “Mehphy!”

Taylor Rogers – 1/3 IP, 4 ER as he gave up the game-winning grand slam to Carlos Santana (25th homer), ERA up to 2.68. Yo, Baldelli, you can go to other pitchers occasionally. Hayzeus eff Christmas, he’s overworking Rogers.

German Marquez – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.75. Now he goes home for his next start.  So I can’t see how awful his next start turns out, please tie me in my basement…*dons Pulp Fiction gimp outfit, grunts when you shy away*

Josh Naylor – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Padres are hilarious how much they never want to play Wil Myers.

Ryan Yarbrough – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.56, as Cash pulled him one-out from a complete game shutout. Hilarious effin’ Cash. Not to make this super basic, but start any pitcher vs. the Mariners.

Eric Sogard – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, and has a ten-game hitting streak, which is why I’m questioning why I’m so stupid to drop him in one league.  Any hoo! Hot schmotato alert!

Jakob Junis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.80. I’m sure the Streamonator liked this start because it was against the Tigers. You just have to avoid Goodrum, which sounds like an episode of Bar Rescue.

Mike Montgomery – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 6.02. Even broken clocks are right twice a day, unless you go back and forth over the International Date Line.

Hunter Dozier – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 21st and 22nd homer, and four homers in four games, hitting .285. I want to draft him for 2020 already.

Whit Merrifield – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .306. Fourteen homers? Do you even launch angle, bro?

Jorge Soler – 3-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 34th and 35th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. “Yeah, maybe we went too far.” That’s Our Commissioner Manfred cleaning juice off a baseball with a Shamwow.