I been up, I been down. Take my word, my way around. I ain’t askin’ for much. I said, Lord, take me downtown. I’m just lookin’ for some Tauch. I been bad, I been good. Dallas, Texas, Hollywood. I ain’t askin’ for much, I said, Lord, take me downtown. I’m just lookin’ for some Tauch. Take me back way back home. Not by myself, not alone. I ain’t askin’ for much. I said, Lord, take me downtown. I’m just lookin’ for some Tauch. In the last month Mike Tauchman has been the most profitable bat in points leagues. During that span he has eight home runs and twenty-four runs batted in. That all equates to 103 fantasy points for you points league purists. Did I mention he’s batting over .400 as well. Not that we care about batting average in points leagues, but there is certainly a correlation between a higher average and more points. Tauchman’s 1.3 points per plate appearances is the stuff studs are made of. In the words on MC Hammer, can’t Tauch this!

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Ken Griffey Jr. and Don Mattingly. Do those names ring any bells? Well Paul Goldschmidt is now two home runs shy of joining them in the record for most consecutive games with a home run. On Saturday night he made it six for six. Just when everyone had just about given up on him, he comes busting out of the gates like a three-year-old Thoroughbred at the Kentucky Derby. I toyed with the idea of writing a post entitled Paul Goldshit about a month ago, but as a long time fan and someone that’s owned him in my keep forever league since 2012, I just couldn’t turn my back on him like that. In fact, I have been telling anyone that will listen that they should buy low. Real low. How low can he go? While his early 2018 was not quite as bad as he’s started this season, last year’s naysayers are wishing they owned him in the second half.

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I’m not even sure I can imagine how angry I would be if I lost a perfect game in the ninth inning. Over the years I have broken my fair share of tennis rackets, thrown golf clubs and smashed video game controllers. One might say I have a tiny bit of a temper when things don’t go my way. If I were an MLB pitcher I’d prefer to lose my perfect game bids in the first inning, getting it over with early. I’m no math genius or anything like that, but I’ve got to imagine that the odds of pitching a perfect game are about the same as finding a needle in Josh Hamilton’s haystack. Wait, that’s not how it goes. Those are the odds for getting a base hit. Last night Mike Leake took a perfect game into the ninth inning only to have Luis Rengifo leadoff with a single. I’m not even sure I’ve ever heard of this guy who’s 53rd career hit crushed Leake’s dreams. Leake also walked a guy in the ninth, but held on to finish off his complete game shutout, striking out six. A week after being no-hit by the Angels, this would have been quite the reversal of fortunes had they been able to pull of the perfercto. The last Mariners perfect game was pitched by King Felix. I remember that game vividly as I earned over a one hundred points from that performance which saved my week and was the reason I ended up in the playoffs. Long life the king.

Go ahead and tell me this wouldn’t drive you mad.

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When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning and I don’t think I’ll ever make it on time. By the time I grab my books and I give Razzball a look, I’m at the website just in time to see the news fly by. It’s alright ‘coz I’m saved by Josh Bell. Was Samuel “Screetch” Powers spotted in Pittsburgh last night? No he was not. Neither were any of the other cast of Saved By The Bell. However, Josh Bell was in attendance. Trailing by five runs going into the ninth, Bell’s three run homer helped the Pirates tied the game. You’d have to be living under a rock not to notice how well Josh has been this year. If it weren’t for Yelich and Bellinger, Bell would be the top choice for the National League MVP. Bell went two for four on the night, but the Pirates ended up falling short in extras. As for Mr. Belding and crew this year marks the 30th anniversary of the show. In related news A.C. Slater and Zack Morris are both blue belts in jiu-jitsu. Perhaps we can get rematch of their fight that took place at Bayside High.

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Coming into last night the Baltimore Orioles were the fourth lowest scoring team in the league with 321 runs scored. They are still the fourth lowest scoring team today, but they did manage to score a season high 13 runs against Mike Clevinger and the Clevinger Indians. I mean Cleveland Indians. To be fair to Clevinger he was only responsible for seven of those runs over one and two thirds innings. Not exactly what his owners were hoping to see in his return from the IL. Am I the only one that thinks he looks like 2017 deGrom? And which one of them played Mitch in Dazed and Confused? But enough about that. After raking in Triple A and being called up to Baltimore back on June 3, Sisco has done very little. On Friday night he exploded with a homer, a double, a single, three runs and five RBIs! For my points readers, he had 18 points before this game in which he totaled 15 more nearly doubling his season total. While it was a great performance, Trey Mancini is the only Baltimore bat I’d consider owning. I say no thanks to Villar, in case you were wondering, but I do have a points league perspective. So I guess if you need saves he’s cool. You cool, man?

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While sweet sixteens are traditionally celebrated by girls, it’s 2019 and so many lines have been blurred that we are living in a very “anything goes” society. Setting a new personal high, Walker Buehler struck out 16 Colorado Rockies while throwing a three-hit complete game gem. What I like most: Well I guess what I like most is the sixteen punch outs, but what I really like is the zero walks. Sixteen strikeouts and no walks is so sexy. How sexy? 2007 Grady Sizemore sexy. Walker did give up two solo home runs, but those were to two of the best hitters in baseball. Charlie Blackmon has been unbelievable lately and Nolan Arenado is Nolan Arenado. He did strike both of them out (Arenado twice) over the course of the game, but when you strikeout 16, that’s bound to happen. To put Buehler’s performance in terms my usual nine readers might better understand, he scored just under 50 fantasy points depending on if you league gives points for complete games. That’s the kind of points jolt that feels like a gut punch to your opponent when he checks his/her matchup and sees he’s playing Buehler.

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In his short stint with the Brewers, Keston Hiura had thirty points and a 0.447 PPPA over 17 games and 69 plate appearances. Somewhere out there Bill and Ted just rejoiced. In case you were wondering Travis Shaw has 36 points in 180 plate appearances. Mind blown. So sorry Keston, but clearly the head office in Milwaukee might be putting back a few too many Miller Lites. Since being sent down to San Antonio Hiura has gone 11 for 34 with 4 home runs, 11 RBIs and a stolen base. Factoring in seven strikeouts he’d be good for about 40 fantasy points. In case you were wondering what Travis Shaw has been up to since his return, he’s managed ten points thanks to four hits in 21 at bats. Like I said, it’s a head scratcher.

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As I was looking to figure out what to do with my teams and see if there were any trades/waiver moves that would strengthen my rosters I thought it was the right time to put together some positional rankings. Understanding a player’s value relative to another goes a long way in simplifying the process. The rankings that follow are a combination of year-to-date performance and rest of season expectations. The blend is about 70/30 YTD (in most cases). I live in the here and now and put a much heavier weight on what someone’s doing right now than I do on what they did last year or the year before that. Don’t get me wrong, it counts, but that’s where the thirty percent comes in.

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Two years ago Heath Capps, a fellow fantasy sports writer, invited me to join a daily fantasy baseball league he was running. Every Friday about twenty of us self proclaimed wannabe fantasy experts would compete against each other in MLB DFS using FanDuel’s Friends Mode. Each week the results were combined with the previous weeks’ contests as Heath maintained an overall leaderboard. The league was named DFS Wars and it was as much an experiment as it was competition. Nonetheless I was a big fan of the format and enjoyed participating.

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I really hope the O’Reilly Auto parts jingle is stuck in your head for the rest of the day like it’s been for me since I thought of the title. Damn you Austin Riley. Damn you shitty commercial. Talk about picking up right where he left off in AAA. Austin Riley has sprinted out of the gates in the race for National League Rookie of the Year. He’s got a lot of ground to make up if he’s going to catch Chris Paddack, but he’s certainly giving it the ole Major League try. In 38 plate appearances he has exactly 38 points. For those of you that don’t have a calculator nearby, that’s one point every time he steps into the batters box. And for those of you that are wondering if that’s good, well it’s better than good. As Tony the Tiger often said, it’s grrrrrreat! It’s only been 38 plate appearances, but if it’s any consolation, through 144 plate appearances in Gwinnett he tallied 156 points (1.08 PPPA). If he can come anywhere near close to keeping this up, he’s going to make Atlanta fans and fantasy owners extremely happy. Keep an eye in your rear view mirror Chris Paddack.

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