*blows dust off cover to the book, “Raimel Tapia, Fantasy Sleeper”* Just found this book on a shelf in this Colorado-area bookstore. “I think this is yours.” The bookstore owner holds up a copy of, “Josh Rutledge’s Fantasy Sleeper.” Haha, no, that’s not mine. “It says “Property of Grey Albright.” Can I just read from one of your other books in peace without paying for it? No wonder bookstores are all going out of business, you don’t leave your customers alone! Any hoo, as I was saying about Raimel Tapia, he was a 2015 Pick-to-Click, a 2016 Gotz-to-Getz-Him, a 2017 This-is-the-Year and a 2018 Absolute-Must-Own for a reason. He has 15-homer power and 25-steal speed who shouldn’t hurt you in average (think .270). The problem for so long has been the Rockies’ inability to kowtow to fantasy owners and play the sexy guys. Not unrelated, Garrett Hampson is due for everyday playing time in 2023. However, something interesting has happened recently — interesting is subjective but if you’re reading this I assume it applies — Ian Desmond has been getting benched regularly. Finally! If Tapia gets 5+ starts a week, he is a Pick-to-Click-Gotz-to-Getz-Him-This-is-the-Year-Absolute-Must-Own in all leagues. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Christian Vazquez – He has 4 homers and is hitting .222. Man, that doesn’t sound good, right? Wrong! Tell ’em, Dark Helmet: You fell for the oldest trick in the book, mon. Vazquez is a top 7 catcher on our Player Rater.
Christian Walker – *looks in mirror, adjusts collar, throws up hands and runs out to thousands of cheering people in a mega-church* IT’S BUY CHRISTIAN TIME!!! Vazquez? Buy! Walker? Buy! Yelich? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Arroyo? Heaven help you if your league is that deep.
Hunter Dozier – When someone said you should grab some No-Doz, they didn’t mean no Dozier, they were commenting on your slow reaction time.
Ryan McMahon – I will say this for 1st basemen. There’s not a ton of top ones, but there’s a ton of bottom ones. Sounds like a recipe for disaster in a gay bar.
Rowdy Tellez – No, I’m not just here for the Rowdy Tellez Pit when he smashes a coconut on Superfly Justin Smoak’s head, but that would be cool.
Eric Thames – You can’t be excited for Thames without being a little anxious about Aguilar. They go hand and hand likes p’s and poops. I am officially concerned on Aguilar and I’m backing him up with Thames everywhere. Just in case. Or for our Spanish speakers, just Nicasio.
Hernan Perez – Jokes and giggles and my entire brand aside, if Perez is getting playing time, he could be a very valuable, sneaky pickup with a little pop and speed.
Renato Nunez – Not sure where his power is coming from, said no one because he hit 32 homers in his last full year of the minors.
Michael Chavis – I’ll admit to be a little less excited about Chavis than maybe some, but if he’s playing 2nd (or anywhere), he could be as valuable as, say, Devers. I said could, I didn’t say he definitely will.
Cole Tucker – Already gave you my Cole Tucker fantasy. It was dictated to Siri from a Speak N Spell to make my life easier.
Carter Kieboom – Just gave you my Carter Kieboom fantasy. Like, literally, just just.
Luis Rengifo – Just gave you my Luis Rengifo fantasy too. Yo, Grey working overtime or something?
Gregory Polanco – Already gave you my Gregory Polanco fantasy. It was written while belatedly celebrating Talk Like A Pirate Day.
Dwight Smith Jr. – I have Iffitis with DSJ (and Yandy, Giants starters, Montas, Soroka and a lot of players, tee bee aitch). Iffitis is an affliction where I tell you to pick him up in the written text of the post, then you ask if you should grab him in the comments, and I’m not nearly as confident.
Josh Reddick – Likely just a hot schmotato but what’s hotter than a Reddick? Branding a bull on their balls? “My mountain oy….sters!” That’s a Yiddish bull.
Luke Weaver – Loved Weaver going into last year, but he underperformed in every way. Maybe it was just an off-year, **it happens. I know it would be weird for the Diamondbacks to get a good side of a trade, or any side, I guess, but Weaver’s peripherals (10.3 K/9, 2 BB/9, 3.14 xFIP) are exceptional.
Mike Leake – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to My Pillow Headquarters to see if it can get a pillow with a face printed on it to keep it company. Streamonator so lonely!
Erik Swanson – I like Swanson, but this is also a Streamonator call. “Okay, but if it’s My Pillow, then what I want My Pillow to have is a face.”
Ty Buttrey – Could’ve also mentioned Hansel Robles here and I just did by process of unelimination. (Grey’s got new words.)
Hector Neris – Gabe Kapler loves Hector Neris. Why? Ask Gabe Kapler! If you can get Kapler to sit still for a second, he’s like a hummingbird, that guy.
Ryan Brasier – This is the Red Sox. You’re not picking up their closer? Seriously?
Blake Parker – Don’t understand the hesitation here. Parker was solid last year; he is the Twins closer; what am I missing? Don’t answer, just shake your head in frustration that Parker’s only owned in 22% of leagues.
Shawn Kelley – I just spent 20 minutes in my bedroom, sweating and screaming, “Vlad, the Mini Impaler!” until Cougs walked in and asked if I was okay. Of course, I’m okay, Vladimir Guerrero Jr. is coming up and I’m crazy. Someone who doesn’t elicit that reaction in me is Shawn Kelley, but he might get some looks if Leclerc is Lebroke.
SELL
Daniel Murphy – There’s some Daniel Murphy truthers out there, a Murther, if you will. I am not one of them. You can find some Murthers who think Murphy is a top 40 bat. I do not. You can usually spot these Murthers because they think they know better than you. If they say things like, “I’ll take steady production of Murphy over your sexy Pete Alonso,” then they might be a Murther. Another characteristic of a Murther is they’re unrealistically down on upside. I’m not saying trade Murphy for two concert tickets to see a Beethoven symphony performed by a St. Bernard (though, that might be cool), but I’d go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and find a deal sending away Murphy.
