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Slight format change going forward with this column — I’m going to be leaving short term DL candidates near where they were ranked previously. It was become too hard to remember who and when players were coming back. (Yes, I do write the injury column — but I don’t write the healthy column.) This is what happened with Starling Marte — I don’t own any shares of Marte so I didn’t notice his return from DL so he was an unfortunate oversight the past few weeks in these rankings. If someone is looking like they’ll be out for a longer period of time — they might drop a bit more in the rankings or be removed entirely (as is the case with Jorge Soler and his broken foot.) Due to these new additions we’ve got a Top 110 hitters this week with guys like Josh Donaldson, Mookie Betts, Wil Myers, Yoenis Cespedes, Ronald Acuna and others making their surprise reemergence. Next week 10 of these hitters will probably work themselves off this list. Also, as a side effect to these new additions a lot of players will look like they’ve fallen really far in the rankings — again, this should normalize by next week. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

*life flashing before eyes right before death* Wow, that’s a lot times I picked up and dropped Chase Anderson.   Is it weird I can understand where Mike Tyson was coming from when he said he wanted to eat Lennox Lewis’ children?  Some of these players — Sonny Gray, Jon Gray, Chase Anderson — come to mind that make me want to eat someone’s children.  Not really (yes, really).  Why couldn’t Chase Anderson do this when he was on my team?!  *lines tacks up on desk, slams head down*  I’m okay!  *blood dripping from forehead like Abdullah the Butcher*  I can’t see!  *screaming at intern*  Getmeahandiwipesoicansee–Okay, I can see again.  I’m still seeing blood though.  Yesterday, Chase Anderson went 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.13.  The peripherals are still not there for Anderson — 6.1 K/9, 3.5 BB/9, 5.17 xFIP — so I won’t be going back in on him.  That doesn’t mean it won’t make me think about salt and peppering some kids if he pitches well again.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

On Saturday, Charlie Morton went 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit (!), 6 BBs (Oy), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.82 vs. the never-seen-nothing-that-was-too-terrible-to-swing-at Rangers, no less.  I can think of another word that rhymes with Chazz to call Morton.  It sounds a bit like the spa we operated back in 2010.  Don’t you remember Spazzball?  The retreat for prematurely balding men who had to check in with their moms once a day.  You don’t remember the Ballpark Water in the lobby that we floated hot dogs in?  It was poorly conceived, for sure.  Like this start by Morton, where he said, “I think over the course of the past couple weeks my delivery’s just kind of gotten a little out of whack and timing has gotten a little out of whack. And today was just really bad. It has to do with my front side. I’m just flying open.”  Well, at least he feels bad and seems to know the issue, right?  You don’t have a category for empathy in your league?  Can you check with your commish about adding it?  For unstints, if a player yawns after another player yawns, then they get an empathy point.  No?  Okay.  Hopefully, Morton can right the ship, but I can’t say I’m not concerned.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

From Fozzie Bear’s Big Book Of Side-Splitting Jokes (Please Laugh), “Why couldn’t you hear the guy who didn’t draft Michael Wacha?  He was Mike-less.  Wacha Wacha Wacha.”  “Did you see him pitch yesterday?  He was reWachable, knocking down Pirates like he was playing Wacha-Mole.  Wacha Wacha Wacha.”  “What do you get when you don’t listen to Grey’s preseason advice to draft Michael Wacha?  An unbearable fantasy baseball ‘pert giving I told you so’s.  Wacha Wacha Wacha.”  Yesterday, Michael Wacha took a no-hitter into the 8th inning, ending up with the line 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.41.  At one point in the 8th inning, he hit 97 MPH on the radar gun, which was the point when I licked my finger and touched the screen to listen for a sizzle.  Since I didn’t hear the sizzle, I tried the same with an electrical socket to make sure I was alive and not a ghost.  Turns out I’m alive, but with smoke coming out my ears.  Speaking of smoke coming out of one’s ears (taking that segue right off a cliff!), Blake Snell threw about as gemmy of a gem as you’re gonna find for someone gemming up the works — 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (0 walks), 12 Ks, ERA at 2.36.  Of course, Snell was yet another one of my preseason sleepers, but if only we had one more of my preseason sleepers that did well on Sunday to satisfy my Rule of Three craving.  Someone who was on no one’s radar for a reason I couldn’t quite understand.  Someone who hit three homers yesterday and has 13 homers on the year.  Wait, that did happen!  Eddie Rosario (3-for-5, 4 RBIs) went Bazooka Jack times three yesterday to seal one of the greatest days in the history of my life.  Sorry, wedding day, you’re moving down the list!  If you wanna bask in my glory:  here’s the Michael Wacha sleeper you ignored, the Blake Snell sleeper you missed and the Eddie Rosario sleeper you didn’t believe.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Times like this you wish Noah Syndergaard wasn’t complaining of a ligament strain and just had a bad lisp.   “Oh no! My finger is Thor, and it needs a Syndergaard.”  More like Noah Fingergaard!  Noah Syndergaard hit the DL with a finger ligament strain.  I’m fully aware that at least one person in every league ignored my advice to ignore Syndergaard and drafted him very early, so I will do something I’ve never done before, not gloat.  True story, my crazy aunt used to say I gloated all the time behind her back (I did) and I drove her into a mental asylum.  See, when I say my ‘crazy’ aunt, I’m being literal!  So, without gloating, let me just say when a pitcher proves himself to be injury prone, take his word for it.  His Synderwoord?  DeGrom’s already had a dislocated elbow, and my money’s on him getting injured at some point again soon too.  Same goes for Kershaw.  Not trying to be harsh, it’s just truth bombs.  If you own Syndergaard, hope he returns relatively soon, but this is the kind of injury that sidelines a pitcher for an entire season.  Sorry, another truth bomb.  Oh, and the Mets said Syndergaard can return in ten days.  What’s the opposite of a truth bomb?  That’s what that is.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hope everyone’s well rested and had a joyous Michael Bay Day.  If you couldn’t be American yesterday, I hope at least you got drunk and ate a bunch of hot dogs.  As they say in Mississippi, Amurica, “Spelling’s for sissies!”  In honor of Amurica’s half birthday, I hope you put a hot dog in your fly and went up to a female reporter, then let Roger Clemens watch you have sex with his wife.  Amurica would’ve wanted it that way!  Trevor Cahill did his part of keeping Amurica as true as the red, white and blue underwear you wash once a year and shut down those Rays, who we know want to have Devil in their name.  Cast out their demons, Trevamurica!  Yesterday, Cahill went 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (zero walks), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.25.  He’s never gonna give you a fire emoji of 98 MPH or even throw his fastball more than 45% of time.  He is throwing his slider twice as much as last year, cutting his curve’s usage, and after about 11 years in the league, it looks like its paying dividends.  His ground ball rate is over 60% and his walk rate is down to 1.8 with a 8.4 K/9.  What, you a rich man’s Dallas Keuchel?  I will call you, Dynasty’s Carrington.  I could see owning him in almost all mixed leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Guess what? All the top stories are about GROINS!!! But in all cereal-ness, we don’t get soggy in milk, and we take you through the plague of injuries throughout MLB. We discuss the DL stints of Clayton Kershaw, Johnny Cueto, Jacob deGrom, Miguel Cabrera, and Jake Lamb. The rest of the show is dedicated to a celebration of diversity. No, that’s not right, it’s actually just Grey and I talking Jake Faria’s renaissance, Domingoat German’s Sunday start, Walker Buehler’s long term value, and our thoughts on Mike Soroka’s first two MLB starts. There is even more Jelly in these donuts, Frank. So stay tuned! Finally, please make sure to support our sponsor by heading over to RotoWear.com and entering promo code “SAGNOF” for 20% off the highest quality t-shirts in the fantasy sports game. It’s the latest edition of the Razzball Fantasy Baseball Podcast:

 

BTW: Get your Prospect Jesus and Grey Albright Tout Wars Champ shirts here!

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“I want to recreate the Pequot War of 1636, but I don’t want to use ordinary weapons, instead I want to use diarrhea.”  “How would that work, Matt Moore?”  “I’m thinking whenever I see an Indian, I throw crap.  Then instead of Pocahontas, I can scream, ‘Poke-a-hot-ass,’ but rather than it be traditionally offensive, it can mean the stream of hot ass I’m throwing.”  “Feels a little performance arty.”  Instead of listening to his agent, Matt Moore (4 IP, 10 ER), went ahead with his revolutionary war.  Finally, Edwin Encarnacion (3-for-5, 6 RBIs, and his 7th, 8th and 9th homers) showed up.  “I told you not to put my name on a tag on my foot.”  That’s Edwin showing signs of life.  Might still be able to buy him low due to his sub-Mendoza batting average (.191), but I’d buy fast, because he could go on a 17+ homers in a month power spree.  Also, in this game, Jason Kipnis (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer) said, “JK still playing baseball, not JK as in just kidding, but my initials.  In case, ya know, you thought otherwise.”  I have little to no love for Kipnis, this was against one of the worst pitchers in baseball, and means little.  “I’m not a bad pitcher, I’m a terrible historical recreator!”  That’s Matt Moore.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Just wanna put it out there that Al Gore did a better job of inventing the internet than he did at global warming.  All these postponements is a real shitshow…snow.  The way we’re going there’s going to be back-to-back tripleheaders in August for some teams with the ceremonial first pitch thrown out by Joel Youngblood.  Here was me trying to field a full fantasy team the last few days:  I’m going to hold onto Matt Davidson through his postponed games, at least I have Freddie Freeman, and now the Braves are rained out, well, I have Miguel Andujar in a doubleheader, and…that’s been canceled, guess I can grab whomever is starting for the Royals vs. Ohtani and that game has been called.  Hmm, down to one game on Sunday — Rays vs. Phils.  C’mon, Kiermaier–And he’s out after one inning.  FMFBBL.  Any hoo!  Yesterday, Starling Marte went 5-for-5, 4 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .305.  If you’re facing him, urine trouble, if you’re a PEDs tester, that is.  By the way, I heard an interesting tidbit on a podcast the other day.  If you wipe a baby diaper filled with pee on your face, you will stay forever young.  Of course, the advice came from a prisoner serving 25 years to life in San Quentin, so there might be side effects.  Coming into this game, Marte was hitting .241, and he raised his average more than sixty points, which shows you how young the season is still.  Maybe the season wiped baby urine on itself.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Franchy Cordero went 1-for-4 with his first homer as he was called up and hit leadoff.  Franchy!  Franchy!  Franchy!  Holy almond tart, no Franchy pan for me!  I won’t pan Franchy’s tools, I won’t suffer any fools, I want Franchy, man, pardon my drools.  Franchy is the kind of player you watch and you’re like, “Can I own him in every league on the basis of his sprint speed?”  By the way, Franchy has crazy sprint speed yet wasn’t able to make it out there for the brawl — hand on chin emoji.  Franchy seems like the kind of guy that will be better in fantasy than in real life.  Think about the outfield version of Tim Anderson.  I grabbed him in a few leagues to see what happens.  Remember, Franchy Cordero marries the best of French and Ranch dressing which is, um, I dunno, do I look like a senior citizen or a sorority girl?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?