Royals called up insanely fast speedster,  Dairon Blanco (1-for-4). He’s so fast he just ran in your room, mussed your hair and ran back out without you even seeing him. His name translates to “Strike while the iron is white hot.” Roughly. I’m not a linguist. Dairon has 47 steals in 49 games in Triple-A, which is absolutely hilarious. Oh, and he’s 30 years old. Okay, so the Royals have one of those teleporters like in The Fly, and Rajai Davis was in it when a cheetah entered. They got zapped together and out walked Dairon. Idea Alert! Every MLB team should be required to have an 80-steal burner. Like they all have LOOGYs, they should all have Billy Hamilton clones. This isn’t an idea, this is a must-have. If your fantasy team’s steals are anemic, Dairon is your answer. Otherwise, I’d prolly wait to see the next guy to come out of the cheetah teleporter. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Salvador Perez – 2-for-5 and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Sal P. over/under for homers: 30. You taking over or way over? Way over? Then why wasn’t he ranked 1st as a catcher by more people besides me? People really thought Jerry Tomato would steal 20 bags again? Really?

Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.65. When Greinke debuted, his opponent, Elly De La Cruz was only 28 months old. And he was spraying 107 MPH t-balls and had the fastest, recorded crawl-speed time.

Jesus Luzardo – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.17. Staggering around with my hand on my heart, “Jesus, I’m ready! Take me to your kingdom! Not you, Luzardo! You freakin’ weanie!”

Ty France – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. How about that French fly?

Bryce Miller – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Had a great matchup and made nice with it. Streamonator loves his next one too, and I can see why.

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .218. If Eugenio only gets 20-24 homers and hits under .220 this season, then his spot on the Player Rater at around 300th overall right now likely won’t be changing much. Since his strikeouts are down, one might think that’s a good sign, but he actually looks like he’s fallen into that trap of hitting a lot of 360-foot outs.

Marcell Ozuna – Left the game with a wrist contusion. Nice to see him get hit for a change.

Charlie Morton – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Not to scream fire in the theater of Razzball without any confirmation, but, during the start, Morton was shaking his arm like his shoulder was bothering him. Maybe it was nothing.

Michael Harris II – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (4) and legs (6), hitting .205. As I mentioned a podcast or so ago, Megahertz seems like a solid Buy Low, and that’s coming from someone who wanted no part of him. I’m glad I didn’t draft him, but even I could tell you he’s not a barely-.200 hitter with next to no power or speed. He’s a 20/20/.240 hitter. That means he’s got some making up to do, especially to the people who drafted him.

Raisel Iglesias – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.02. I know no one cares about your boy Grey, the Fantasy Master Lothario, don’t abbreviate it, but I could’ve really used Morton’s win there. Church!

Spencer Torkelson – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Tork sounds like twerk, which makes sense because any time I find him on my teams I want to drop him like he’s not hot.

Andy Ibanez – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .202. Know that no one in their right mind is actually picking up Ibanez, but he had great at-bats every time up.

Matt Vierling – 2-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Hopefully he’s put his back soreness behind him. Uh…

J.T. Realmuto – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, as he hit for the cycle. The cycle is one of those things in baseball that is so cool, yet, means nothing. It’s super random and rare, but so is a guy hitting three triples in a game or four homers or five doubles or–okay, now I’m just doing some sorta baseball version of the 12 days of Christmas. Jerry Tomato was the top ranked catcher in the preseason by most everyone (not me). How’s that look now? Worth a top 25 overall pick? Yeah? Because of one night? Doesn’t seem it.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his 3rd homer in the past week. So, I guess hot schmotato, but, honestly, he should be retired. Why the Longo face? Because you were once a horse, no longer are, and you should be made into glue.

Miguel Castro – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.95, as he got his 7th save. Would’ve been nice if he pitched a clean ninth, but he got the save, and Chafin worked the 8th, so…twist of the arm, I guess Castro/Chafin and it’s 70/30 for the closer job, but have no faith in that.

Jon Gray – Will miss today’s start, due to a blister. Hopefully he’s back soon and it’s not Dire Straits.

Ezequiel Duran – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. So many Durans in the majors right now, Jhoan, Jarren, and Ezequiel. MLB’s Come Undone.

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer. Ah, finally started him as a hitter. So this is what it feels like! Very nice. I have to brace myself for him to throw a no-hitter in his next start, don’t I?

Daniel Murphy – Signed a minor league contract with the Angels. Love this signing for the Angels. Could really help them if they have a time machine and reach the playoffs in 2015.

James Paxton – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.09. He’s reminding me of his glory days. Pax for the memories!

Pete Fairbanks – Sounds like he’ll be back soon. If you have interest in Fairbanks.

Zach Eflin – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.28. All of a sudden they’re the 1927 A’s? Unbelievable. Anyone who gets hit around by the A’s should be immediately sent down. Sorry, we gotta take you out before the end of the 5th inning and you’ve been demoted.

Jose Siri – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Player Rater‘s top 20 is going to need to be a top 25 to fit all the valuable Rays.

James Kaprielian – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.89. Kaprielian isn’t good. No Kap.

Luke Voit – Signed with the Mets. How is Voit like a doorknob? Everyone gets a turn! Hey yo!

Logan Webb – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners (zero walks), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.15. Ah, to have all my starters be as reliable as Webb. The reliaWebble. (You just sounded like Elmer Fudd reading that.)

Paul DeJong – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. Colonel Mustard with the flip phone in the middle of a batty call!

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .286. Au Shizz!

Matthew Liberatore – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.14. He hasn’t been (adjective) but he should be (adjective) so where does that (verb) leave (pronoun)? I guess Streamonator, but I don’t (verb) him. That’s a Mat-Lib.

Ryan Helsley – Hit the IL with a forearm strain. Calling everyone in the phonebook with the last name, Darkness, just so I can say, “Hello, Darkness.” Listens for a few then says, “It’s pronounced Dar-ness? The K is silent? Damn, I can’t win.” Sighs, and hangs up. Where the Helsley did that come from? A forearm strain for a pitcher is basically, “What’s your next 14-16 months looking like because I have a doctor I think you might want to see. Oh, and when the doctor says, ‘Your elbow looks like it could help buy me a new Ferrari.’ Just ignore Dr. James Andrews. He always says stuff like that.” Welp, for now, grab Giovanny Gallegos and hold Helsley, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the last of Helsley for a whilesley.